The Virginity Mission (12 page)

“I'm so sorry.” My words are muffled into his shoulder. I have to say it before I lift my head. If I don't, I'll be too mortified to say anything later.

“For what?”

“Sobbing like a baby. I don't even know why I am.”

“Did I hurt you?” He sounds so worried.

Quickly I shake my head. “Not really. A bit. It was amazing. I've never felt like that. Like I exploded. Like I lost myself. Like the world ended.” I chuckle, feeling like a crazy woman. I don't quite understand how it happened but something inside me is different. “A bit melodramatic, sorry.”

“Don't be sorry. I like hearing you say that.”

I lift an eyebrow, even though I know he won't be able to see it. “I can tell.” His cock has hardened against my thigh. I don't remember him withdrawing.

He chuckles. “Need a rest or can you go again?”

I laugh, thinking he's joking, but he isn't. If I knew he was serious, I would have said no. I don't think I like the powerfully sweeping emotion that's left me shattered. I don't want to experience that again.

But he takes my laugh as a yes and he sweeps me into a different kind of sex. This time it's softer, gentler and it lasts an age. There's no concern about pain. Just two people enjoying each other's body. Two people riding each other's emotions. I shatter again, without tears, as he bucks into me. My cunt closes on his throbbing cock and milks him. It's the most amazing feeling, like we're meant to link together. We hold each other close until we catch our breath.

He didn't come before. The realisation would knock me down if I wasn't already lying. He held himself back, for me. My first time was all for me. This time he came. This time we came together. This time I really had sex.

“Wow. I can't believe I've wasted all this time. That was amazing. Thank you.” I lean forward and kiss him softly. We lay on our backs, side by side, fingers touching. My body is soaked in sweat and I need the cool night air to skim across me and drop my temperature. I figure Jason's the same. Surely our bond is so close we're feeling the same things.

“Mac, what's your real name?”

His question is out of the blue and I answer without giving it a thought. “Willow MacIntosh.”

“Why don't you use it?”

I sigh before stating simply. “I hate it.” I don't want a heavy discussion now. I want to bask in post-sex wonder.

“But willows are long, slender, supple and beautiful. I think it suits you.”

That surprises me. Is he saying I'm beautiful? “I'm a string bean, not a willow.”

He chuckles before answering. “I think you're a willow.” His hand strokes along my side. The reverent touch of his fingertips makes me feel beautiful.

I don't answer. I'm too busy thinking. Does he really think I'm slender and supple and beautiful? My body's drifting into darkness. Exhaustion taking over. I try to fight it but my eyes drift shut before I can question him. His lips skim across mine and he murmurs, “Good night…Willow.”

I grunt in a most undignified way. It's the only form of protest I can muster.

He whispers across the night. “I promise I'll only call you that in the dark.”

Having only a few hours sleep is not the best but being woken with Jason's delicious kisses is pure pleasure. Stretching beneath his hands, blinking in the pre-dawn light, I wish this was an every morning occurrence. Then reality slaps me in the face—this is the first morning I wake with Jason beside me, yet the last time it will happen. We're walking out of here today. The mangrove sojourn is at an end.
And here I go again, out of the moment. Stop it.

“Morning, Mac.”

“The morning came too soon.”
And I never want this to end.
While his hand skims down my body, I stretch and move from under the blanket. A whisper of cool pre-dawn air hits my skin, chilling me to goose bumps. I love waking beside him, naked.

In the half-light, Jason turns towards me, raking his darkening eyes over my exposed torso. He reaches to cup my breast and catches the nipple between his thumb and forefinger. He rolls it with exquisite slowness. “I could get used to this.”

“Mmmm…”
So could I.
I press into his caress, pushing into his hand, silently begging him to do the same to my other breast. It throbs while left unattended.

He catches my other nipple before snagging my lips into a deep, thorough morning kiss.

I don't want to leave. I don't want this to end. It's like a dream and I have no intention of ever waking up…but I have to. No dream lasts forever.

“You could trip getting out of the vehicle and do your ankle. Then you could spend the next few days with me instead of hiking away from me.” He's thinking like me.

I wish I could. I wish I could act that well and fake an injury but I can't. We'd be caught and he'd be demoted and I'd hate myself. He must see all that in my face.

“I'm serious,” he says.

I know he's serious. I've thought of the same thing myself but rejected it. “I have to see this trip through. As much as I'd love to stay with you, I have to finish it. Otherwise I'll always wonder if I could have made it. I'll never know.”

He nods. We're both part of bigger things—he the army, me this trip. We've been brought together by them and now they keep us apart.

We commiserate by sharing another long, mind blowing kiss. I writhe against him. Never will I have enough of my nipples scraping across his chest. My fingers sink into the lush muscle of his shoulders. His lips travel to my neck and my brain remembers why I can't stay.
Damn mind.
I tug my lips from his, slowly, regretfully.

“People will be up early today. I can't get caught.” One look at Jason's face and I know I have to leave or we'll both forget the consequences. I can't do that to him. I can't ruin his career.

I scramble into my clothes, trying to ignore him watching me with a slightly silly smile. I thought it would be uncomfortable with him watching me but I'm enjoying being his entertainment.

“At least it's easier wriggling into clothes than it was getting out of them.”

Jason smiles one of those stomach tumbling grins. “Would you like my help? I could distract you so you won't know what goes where.”

I laugh. As if I need that sort of distraction. I grab my stuff and make a hasty exit from the vehicle. Once I'm on solid ground, feet firmly planted, I lean inside and give Jason a long, hot kiss. If I'm out here, there's less chance I'll crawl back in, curl against him and have a long bout of morning sex.

He tries to pull me inside but he's grinning. He knows we can't and thankfully the earth keeps me grounded. Pulling away is difficult. His naked body, sleepy eyes, and pillow-marked cheek beg me to stay.

“I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. Guess I can't call you Chicken Shit when you make the tough calls.” He smiles but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. “I'll see you when you get back. We can take up where we've left off.” There's so much promise in his voice. Hope soars in me. I want to crawl back inside. I want to be wrapped around him. I want to make promises. I want to plan a future. I want him.

I leave, quickly, before I change my mind. I'm stiff, sore and aching in places I never thought would hurt, but it's a good ache, like after strenuous exercise.

I detour via the toilet block. If I run into anyone, I'll have an excuse for being up early. I don't have an excuse for these stupid tears. I've never cried so much. I don't cry leaving people. What's gotten into me? Jason stirs up everything inside me. It's like emotions are boiling and exploding through the surface. One second I'm elated, the next sobbing, the next excited, then planning, then sad, melancholy, happy, confused. I've never felt so much in such a small timeframe. Or is it not to do with Jason himself, but the loss of my intactness?

Racing into the toilet block and the shower stall, I try to wash the tears away but they're dripping without any thought of stopping. Under the shower I let them fall to get them completely out of my system. This only reminds me of the night in the spa. More big, fat tears drip down my face. I long for Jason to shower with me again, but he can't. Trust me to get involved with someone I shouldn't.

Bloody hell.
What's with all the blubbering? Hooking up with Jason was worth every second of the time. What we did was fantastic. I need to be proud of my achievements. I made an effort to speak to Jason when I thought all was lost and it paid off. I got what I wanted—losing my virginity. I learned what it was like to love a man. A small smile escapes.

I lost it. My cherry is gone.
Wooohooo!

I have to focus on that. It's no good feeling sorry for myself when I got what I wanted. I have to face the future, whatever it holds.

Luxuriating for a moment, I wash my hair and have my fill of the last hot shower for a while. I get out, rub myself dry and dress. I'm prepared to face the day, and the future, positively.

With my towel slung over my shoulders, toiletries bag under my arm and my lips tucked between my teeth to steel my nerve, I leave to go to my tent. Three steps from the toilet block and Sam is in front of me.

“Mac, you're up early.”

I gulp while trying hard to look normal and not embarrassed or caught out or any other give-away trait. “Last day of civilisation. Had to make the most of the shower.”

“It's a bit early for a shower.” Sam looks at his watch. I've no idea what time it is. I hope it's not some completely ridiculous hour.

“The sun's up. And what are you doing?” I point at his towel and toiletries.

“Yeah, but you've been and I'm just going. It's not like you to be up so early.”

I shrug. There's not a lot to say. “Enjoy your shower.” I force a smile and walk away. All I can think of is,
please, please, please don't know the real reason I'm awake.
I couldn't live with myself if Jason was in trouble because of me.

We're all packed and ready to leave by eight am, the designated time. Jason is waiting with the vehicle to drop us at the start of our walk back to base camp, which is going to take six days. He and Fiona brought our supplies earlier, so we're ready to go. I want to tell him about Sam but I can't. I want to kiss him again but I can't. I want to stay with him but I can't.

I don't know if I can walk away either. It's awful to be so torn. I didn't expect sex to be this complicated. No wonder Mardi moans about men all the time. This stuff is confusing.

We pile in the vehicle, the same one I left a few hours ago. It contains no trace of our amazing night. Inhaling deeply, I catch the faintest hint of musky sex and grin. From Jason's glance and wink in the rear view mirror he knows what I'm thinking. But does he know the rest of my feelings? People talk about being broken hearted and I think I know what they're saying. I'm torn. Torn between what I have to do and what I want to do. If I stay, I'll put his career in real trouble. Sam must suspect something the way he looked this morning. I'm conscious of him looking between Jason and me trying to decide if there's something between us or not. If I stay, Sam will know why. If he tells anyone the ‘no fraternisation' rule has been broken, Jason will be penalised. I can't allow that to happen. With every bit of resolve in me, I have to get out of this vehicle, say a cheery goodbye to Jason and leave on this walk. It hurts. It hurts more than I imagined.

Jason must have perfected the art of driving while watching me in the rear view mirror. Every time I look he's watching me. Those big dark eyes have an intensity I wish I understood. Is he going to miss me? Did last night mean to him what it did to me? Will I see him again?

We pull up at our departure point at the base of a flipping huge hill. I have to do this, so I do it quickly. I think fleetingly of falling but I don't. I jump from the vehicle and shoulder my pack. Jason glances at my ankle and we smile at each other ruefully. It's a quick look but it's nice to know what he's thinking right now.

No one is keen to stand around, so once we pile out of the vehicle, packs are shouldered, goodbyes are said, hands are shaken and we're on our way. I bite my lips together as I nod my last goodbye to Jason. His face is a mask. No one will guess he's any different to before, but his eyes aren't sparkling, they're a flat brown. The crinkles beside his eyes and lips are deeper than usual. His lips have thinned. My heart warms thinking he might miss me, but maybe he's only worried I'll say something.

He accepts my handshake with a squeeze of his fingers and a tiny wink. It must be that he'll miss me. I hope so. I turn away quickly so he won't see my eyes mist up. I can't believe there's more tears in me. I make sure my head's averted from Sam's prying eyes. I don't want to go. I don't want to walk up the wretched hill. I don't want to leave Jason. My right foot steps out and my left follows. I think of nothing except the next step.

The hill is hard going. After ten days of climbing in and out of boats with the highest hill being a buttress root of a mangrove tree, this hill almost kills me. A thousand and one times I wish I stayed behind. I take out my frustration on the hill and it shows. At morning tea, Sam, Ed and Damien comment about how close behind them I am. At lunchtime, Sam says, “Anyone would think you were running away from something, Mac.” At the evening stop, Sam is even more suggestive with his comment. “I didn't realise you hated caravan parks so much, Mac, or is there more to this than we know?”

I laugh off each comment. The only thing I can think to use for an excuse is ‘fresh legs'. Sam must suspect something. I'm wary around him. I don't want to be directly questioned. I don't know if I can lie to his face but if it protects Jason, then I'll have to.

When we get ready to sleep, it's my luck that I end up on the edge, sleeping next to Sam. The only person I'm avoiding and I can't avoid him at all. I make no fuss, say not a word and we retire for the night. The old root jokes are back. In a way it's comforting to drop into routines. Torches go out and everyone settles for the night. There's not a lot of room under two flies for seven people, so we all spoon together, each in our sleeping sheets, with two sleeping bags draped across like blankets. It's the most effective sleeping arrangement with our light packing. Although our sleeping bags and tents came to the caravan park, we sent them back to base camp and stayed with the method we know works.