The Vintage and the Gleaning (26 page)

I mean Brett has his faults, he's got plenty of faults, but it's not like I've ever done anything to support him, to try and make things better for him, or easier on him. I've just expected him to do the right thing by me and look after me, and it's true he's always let me down, but is that really his fault in the end? I mean, I expected more, but he didn't know that, he never knew that. I suppose I assume he sees things like I do, that he wants more, like I do, but maybe he doesn't and maybe he never did, maybe this is all he wanted, just being together with me. So perhaps he just doesn't understand, I mean why I'm always going on at him, why I'm so unhappy all the time, why I blame him for everything. Perhaps he just doesn't understand what he's done that's so wrong. What he's done to make me hate him so much.

But the sad thing is, I mean, even after I've had this time to think it all through, the sad thing is that I can't see anything changing. It all seems too late. The damage is already done and I can't fix it and Brett can't fix it. It's just how it is and there's nothing we can do about it. There's nothing anyone can do.

And those things he used to say in the early days, at the start. It was sweet and romantic and maybe he was only saying what he thought he was meant to say, but of course I didn't think of that at the time, I didn't know it's what everyone says when you're like that, starting out, in love, or think you're in love, and so I believed it, I believed it all and it made me feel so special and I used to ask him, why me? Why did he pick me, when there were all those other girls? What was so special about me?

And he used to say it was because of who I was, because I was me and because I was different from those other girls. And he told me he'd never met anyone like me before. And at the time it made me feel so special and so close to him and it was so nice, just me and Brett in bed together and him saying those things and I had never felt like that before, not ever. It all seemed so romantic at the time, like it should have, I suppose, how it's meant to be, whether it's real or not.

And the thing is, I think he did actually mean it, what he said. About why he chose me and that it was because of who I was and because I was different and that he'd never met anyone like me before. I think that was all true. But when I think about it now, I think that maybe it's not quite how it seems, how Brett meant it. Because the thing is, I actually was different from those other girls, those town girls, and Brett probably hadn't met anyone like me before, but it was because he never had a chance to. I mean, you know, my family, me, where I went to school, the way I was brought up. And because I had nice clothes and I looked after myself, my hair, my skin, watched my weight. Some of those girls were pretty, but they just didn't look after themselves. They lived off takeaway food and they drank and smoked, they didn't know how to put on make-up properly and they were sort of rough too, the way they spoke and acted. So in the end, I think it was all of that, all of those things, and I see it so clearly now. I mean I didn't at the time, not at all. I only saw my faults back then and that I was shy compared to the other girls, and less confident and less experienced. Like I said, I felt like I didn't know anything about life, not compared to them. But I think that for Brett it was all true what he said, because I really wasn't like anyone he'd met before. I just never thought of myself in that way. But for Brett, I think I can see why now.

So there was a time before and there was a time after that, and that summer was in the middle of it all and it was a happy time for me, and in the time after, when Brett and I were first married and living at his cousin's place in Melbourne, that time, it was more than a happy time, something more, the time we were in love, both of us, so much in love and past and future, none of it mattered, it was just then, that time, being together, that was all that mattered.

And Brett and I would lie in bed all day or we would go down to St Kilda beach and it was like we couldn't be apart, couldn't bear to be apart, not for a moment, always together, and everything we did we did together, and so we lay in bed and talked and made love and everything was new for me, it was a whole new world and a whole new life and I was only sixteen and had only known home and the boarding house and now suddenly that was all in the past, and it all felt so wonderful and unexpected, that this was my life now and I was married and a woman and free, free to do anything, and everything had changed and I couldn't believe that this was my life now, and I thought that this was how my life was always going to be.

So we'd go to the beach or we'd explore the city together, go into the shops and just look at things and I'd try on clothes and make-up and perfume and Brett enjoyed being with me, doing those things, and he'd tell me what he thought of the clothes and smell the perfumes on my arm and it was the same for him as it was for me, a whole new life, getting away from this town and being together and in love and free, because it was freedom for him too, it was the same. It was the same for both of us.

And we'd sit at cafés and drink coffee or wine, there was this cheap Italian wine we used to like that came in a bottle with gold wire around it, and we'd buy a bottle of wine and sit at a table outside the café and stay there all afternoon talking and I felt so grown up and sophisticated and Brett would smoke and make comments about the people walking past and make me laugh, and we'd talk all the time, we'd never stop talking and I can't even remember what we talked about, but we had so much to say back then.

Then at night, sharing the same bed, having Brett in bed next to me all night, every night, my husband. And it was only a single bed so we were always close and wrapped around each other and I felt we were so much together and I was so much in love and I had never thought or imagined anything like that time or what it was like to be in love and I couldn't believe that Brett was in love with me, that someone could want me and want me so much to be with me all the time and forever and I couldn't believe it was happening to me and I never thought it would end and there was this feeling I had, as though anything, everything was possible. Like everything was possible for me and for us, like anything could happen, like we could do anything we wanted and it would all keep on going, on and on. That it would all go on forever.

And I don't know what happened to that. But somewhere, somehow, it all went away, slowly, but not so slowly, because it didn't last long, that time, not long at all, and the feeling went, and the joy and the freedom and the newness of it all, and so it's all gone now, it all went a long time ago, and just a memory now. But there was a time, there was, and it just seemed to fade into nothing, but there was a time and, despite everything, I do have that and I wouldn't change it, if I had my time over, I wouldn't change it for the world. So at least I have that. I'll always have that.

But now, what can I say about now, because I hardly ever think about now and about what's happened since, and there's no story, just days going by, everything so much the same that I can't remember one day from another, over all these years, every day the same but getting older and tired and falling apart, between me and Brett, and inside me too. Older and tired and fading and everything quieter and the feelings gone and like some part of me died inside and still dying, day by day, less and less of me, just the days and getting by, getting through it, going on and both of us unhappy but nothing we can do about it, nothing. So all gone, at the end of things and at the end of things for so long now, and I just wait, feeling nothing, not caring anymore, just waiting for it all to end.

So it hasn't been easy, none of it has been easy. I could never say that. And I don't try, not anymore, I've stopped trying, just let it happen, let it all happen as though I'm not even there. It all just happens to me and I feel like I'm watching my life, watching it pass but not living it anymore, never actually living it.

And it was Brett who was supposed to be the strong one and I thought he was, and at the start maybe, but only at the very start, and now it's like he's weaker than me and I know how it seems, but really he's so weak, he's only just hanging on and so it's me who's become the strong one and Brett just runs away from it all and I'm the one who knows and who suffers with the knowing. Because Brett doesn't want to know, but I do, I have to and so I'm the one who suffers. I suffer for the both of us.

And I know that there are plenty of people worse off, but I'm not them and they're not me and this is the only thing that's real to me, this is the only thing I know and certainly there are plenty worse off and there always will be, but this is my life and it's all I've got and it's all I know. So there are other people, yes, but I don't live their life and they don't live mine. So maybe I do feel sorry for myself, maybe I do feel hard done by, but I can't help it. How can I help it? And can you blame me? Can you blame me for that?

And I know I've dug my own grave. I know it's all my fault, that it's always been my fault, but how long are people going to keep taking it out on me? Because they make it so much harder, and it seems so unfair because it's all hard enough as it is without everyone watching you, talking behind your back, looking at you on the street, in the shops, and I know they're judging me, as if they know everything, everything about me and my life. But they don't know, they don't know a thing, not what it's been like for me, so why? Why do they make it worse? Why do they have to do that? And I know they say that I deserve this, that I deserve it all, that I brought it all on myself, but I know that, I know that already and I'm the one who has to live with it because it's there all the time, it's always there for me, and, yes, it is my fault, and, yes, I'm the one who made the mistake, that one mistake of my life, the mistake that changed everything. But even so, I never chose this, I never chose any of it. Not this.

And now it doesn't matter what I do or what happens to me anymore. I'm just getting older and I can't bear the thought of it, I can't bear the thought of getting middle-aged, old. And I'm nearly there. I'm very nearly there. I can see it already. And it's terrifying for me. When you're a woman, when you have nothing, no money, no children, nothing. And nothing ahead, nothing to look forward to, nothing changing, and I'm always there alone, waiting, and nobody notices and nobody cares, no matter what happens, or how much I want things to be different, or how much pain I go through, there's nobody out there, nobody who can help, there's only me.

But despite it all, I do have hope, there is still hope and there has to be, because it's only hope that can keep me going now, hope that something will change, that something has to change. And I don't know what it is, or what will happen, or when it will happen, but I can't live without that, even if it isn't real, even if I know, deep down, that nothing can change, that nothing will change, will ever change. But somewhere there is hope and maybe it's crazy but it's only as crazy as everything else, because it's there, it's always there and I can't help it. I believe it because I have to believe it. So there is still hope and there has to be. There always has to be hope.

So the holidays ended and I went back to school. And it was all uniforms and assemblies and girls and teachers and classes and the boarding house, but everything seemed different. And it was different because of me, because I was a different person, because I'd changed. Because that summer had changed me. It was all me.

And school and everything, the same routine as always, but I felt like I wasn't there, like I wasn't actually there at all, as though I was watching it from somewhere else, like I was looking at everything through glass, and I was on the outside, looking in. Nothing seemed real to me and it must have shown, because first it was my friends who turned against me, asking why I was acting so strangely and then starting to get nasty, teasing me, making fun of me, starting rumours about me, just like we used to do to the other girls, only it was me now. Suddenly I'd become like one of those other girls, and I was alone. And so I lost all my friends, and I had been friends with them for years, but I lost them so quickly, because of how I was now, because I had changed. But I didn't care, even though once upon a time, I mean, even a few months before, that would have been the worst thing in the world for me. But I really didn't care, it made no difference to me, not at all. They were just a bunch of stuck-up, horrible little schoolgirls and they didn't mean anything to me anymore.

And then it was the teachers, and at first they were kind, asking me whether I was all right, if anything was wrong, if something had happened to me over the summer. And I suppose something had happened, but how could I explain that to them, what had happened. I mean, I didn't even really know myself. But that's not the sort of thing they meant anyway. And then, later on, they started giving me a hard time, saying I had developed a bad attitude. They kept saying I had to change my attitude. I was even called into the headmistress's office and given a talking to, and she told me I had to change my attitude as well, but I didn't even know what that meant, I didn't understand what any of them were talking about. It was as though they were speaking a different language. Like that school was somewhere foreign, something I didn't understand. I just didn't understand anything anymore.

And so, yes, I didn't care about my friends turning on me and I didn't care about the teachers telling me off either, but I did feel alone, I felt so alone. Because even with all the people around me it was like I was trapped inside my own head, completely cut off from it all, and I got sad. And I mean really, terribly sad. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, and during the day too. I'd lock myself in the toilets and just cry. And I didn't know why I was feeling like that, or what was happening to me, or why. And there were days when I barely had the energy to get out of bed, to get dressed, to walk to class. It was like there was this huge weight on me.