The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant (7 page)

6.

“Albert!” I hissed quickly as he scurried up to a standing position, and Neil began touring through our little makeshift captive camp. “Albert, there’s still time. Don’t let him do this!”

Unfortunately, I was wasting my . . . well, okay, I don’t have real breath, so let’s say “words.” Albert was back in full submission mode. He all but scampered over to Neil, making the report that we were all here and thoroughly subjugated. The other players confirmed this, bewailing their fates at having put their trust in Lord Drake instead of the clear superiority of Emperor Nikolai. The only exceptions to this were Lord Drake himself, Maria, and me. Lord Drake and Maria out of some sense of fictional, generic vampire pride, and me because I knew kissing ass was going to be a pointless gesture.  Otherwise, I would have puckered up with the best of them.

Neil held up a hand, and everyone fell silent. “My poor, misguided subjects, your Emperor has had time to cool his head and give thought to what you’ve done. While I am hurt that you would try to tear me from my throne, I am also complimented that a faction as powerful as your own would consider me a threat. Therefore, I am going to give you all a second chance.”

There was a murmur of happiness that ran through the crowd. It seems some of my fellow captives had been sincerely concerned he would kill off their characters. The irony was palpable.

“Now, my dear assistant Albert will help you all to form a circle around me. I am doing this so that I might hold a binding ceremony. I will be letting you all live, but your powers will be sealed until the next new moon. By then I hope we can be on better terms than we are now, and you will use your gifts to aid my kingdom instead of work against it,” Neil said as he opened his book and began flipping through it.

Albert was off like a flash, starting at the front and arranging us in a chained circle around Neil. It took relatively little time, since Albert was less helping more and just picking up and moving. There were some confused faces as the scrawny kid picked up large men like they weighed nothing, but after all, it was a night of magic and characters, so they let it slide.

Once again, I was last. As soon as Albert plucked me up, though, he whispered in my ear. “Listen, don’t worry, okay? Nothing bad will happen to you. Neil is out to steal life forces, and we dead guys don’t have that. Just sit through the ceremony, and you’ll be fine.”

“And everyone else?” I whispered out the side of my mouth.

“You’ll be fine,” Albert repeated a moment later, quickening his step and setting me down, thus finishing the circle of chained vampires.

It was a fairly wide circle, with plenty of room between each of us. I suppose Neil had wanted some room to work. I wondered how he would keep us in place once he started his spell if anyone decided to move about. My question was answered quickly as I saw Albert moving from person to person, wrapping their chains on each side around a tent stake, and then driving it into the earth. It took a few moments, even with his strength, but when he finished everyone but me would have found it impossible to put up even a half-hearted struggle.

The chains and stakes weren’t any sort of problem for me, though. No, I was even easier to stop. All Neil needed was three simple words, and I’d be exposed and powerless. I probably couldn’t even run away before he’d snap off his magical phrase and pin my ass down. Which meant my only options were to sit through the ceremony like Albert said, or wait until Neil was distracted and try to rush him. The thought of trying to fight someone, even a small geek like Neil, made my stomach turn a bit. At least I knew I couldn’t throw up thanks to Krystal.

For a moment, I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. No sooner had I thought of Krystal than I saw her walking into the clearing. A moment later I noticed Charlie Brown ghost guy, and finally the man in the werewolf mask. Now I was really confused.

“Well, my good players, I think it is time for me to break character and let you know what is really going on,” Neil said. “I’m afraid I lied earlier. None of you will be leaving this circle alive.”

“We are already the proud and powerful dead!” Lord Drake shouted from his spot in the circle. I could see Maria nodding her head violently in agreement, and the rest of the vampire characters joined in with some show of support.

“You are NOT!” Neil thundered from the center of his circle. “You are sad people living a sad life playing a sad game to escape the misery of reality. The only person in this forest with any real power is myself. Behold, I’ve expanded my spell library and learned to take over the minds of the living.” Neil held his hands and indicated to the three people behind him. “These three each came to me as individuals with thoughts and dreams. Tonight I turned them into nothing more than puppets for my enjoyment.”

I really wasn’t comfortable with the way his eyes lingered on Krystal when he said “enjoyment.” I tried taking some deep breaths out of habit to calm my stomach. It was looking more and more like our only chance of getting out of here would be if I could rush him fast enough. Behind my back, I gently snapped through a few links of chain.

“I am a god among men, and you are nothing but painted-up children playing pretend,” Neil continued, sneering as he talked, no longer able to hide his sense of superiority. The players were beginning to get a little antsy. He had broken character a long time ago, yet he still seemed intent on doing them harm. A few even tested their bonds, realizing for the first time just how helpless they had really become.

“Tonight, however, your pitiful lives will have meaning,” Neil said as he began flipping through his book once more. “Tonight your souls, your life essence, will be used as a catalyst to fuel my own power. As your life flows into me, it will gain the purpose it lacked all these years with all of you. It is a beautiful trade, don’t you agree? You trade you lives, and in exchange you gain the fulfillment of having helped this city’s next ruler rise to his position.”

The players were panicking now; you’d have had to be an idiot not to see how drunk on his own magic Neil had become. Some were flexing violently against their chains. Others seemed to be crying and giving in to whatever this mad child had planned for them. I just kept my eyes trained on Neil and worked my way through the chains, bit by bit. I probably wouldn’t have a chance until he began reading his spell.

“But enough chatter. I’m anxious to begin my life as a super being, and I’m sure you are all anxious to help. Minions!” Neil called. The three behind him stood at attention. “You will surround me now. Should anyone break free somehow, your job will be to restrain them until I am able to finish my spell. Let nothing disturb your exalted master!”

The three followed his orders instantly, forming a tight triangle around him so that no angle of entry would go unseen. They stared out at us, revolving slowly to keep fresh eyes on each prisoner as they turned. No one would get bored; no one would let something slip. Credit where it was due. I had to admit Neil had not fallen into the villain trope of overconfidence, even if he had monologued his evil plan.

“Well, this just sucks,” I muttered, still breaking through the chains but with less enthusiasm. I had enough trouble getting my mind around the idea of trying to charge Neil head on. I didn’t know how I was going to get through an innocent puppet without hurting them, especially if that puppet happened to be my date. I watched her as she moved: smooth, definite, without hesitation. In that moment, I could clearly see how she was an agent that dealt with supernatural beings. The girl had some physical training, which only served to make my job harder.

“Ah, here it is,” Neil said, stopping his turning and lighting up his face with a terrifying smile. “Goodbye, mortality.
Oncidentum, rapishadum
, GHAAAA!”

For the record, that last line wasn’t part of the spell. The moment he had begun chanting, I had snapped through the remainder of my chains and sprung to my feet as fast as my vampire abilities would allow. As it turned out, though, even a hopped up vampire takes longer to stand than it takes for a trained agent to withdraw and utilize a taser. Into his crotch. And hold it there.

“Three things, shithead,” Krystal said as she released the taser, and Neil fell to the ground. “First off, you are under arrest for use of necromancy magic without a license. Secondly, never monologue. It gives away your intentions and gives everyone else time to prepare. Lastly, magic is fantastic, but it’s no match for my wand of brain shocking.” With that she knelt down and gave him one last blast to the chest. Neil was out, and I mean “out” as in “drooling and twitching out.” The other two puppets, unfortunately, seemed to be still carrying out orders. They rushed at Krystal, attacking the woman who had broken their master’s commandment.

She whipped around quickly, tripping the werewolf with her leg and slamming it with her taser as it tried to get up. The werewolf dropped like a hammer, and Krystal quickly turned expecting the ghost to be attacking her other side. What she found instead, though, was me holding the ghost by its hips horizontally over my head.

“I thought you might need a hand,” I said in what I hoped was a lighthearted manner.

“My hero,” Krystal replied with a grin. She ambled over, pulled off the ghost’s sheet and put the taser into the arm of the young woman who had been beneath it. The struggling over my head ceased, and I gently set down the girl, rolling up her costume and putting it under her head as a pillow.

This all sounds like a peaceful ballet of coordinated movements, but it was amid the screaming, shock, and crying of the other vampire prisoners. All of this was topped off by a wail from Albert, and he rushed forward and cradled Neil’s head.

“You killed him! You killed my friend!” Albert moaned.

“Did not,” Krystal said, ignoring the calls of the prisoners surrounding her and walking back over to the unconscious mage and the grieving zombie. “Anyone who can use magic has a slight resistance to all forms of energy. That includes electricity. It just required three bursts to take him down like it would a normal person. He’s fine, or at least he will be once he wakes up.”

“But, he’s under arrest,” Albert said, worry thick in his voice. “Won’t he be killed once he gets charged with what he tried to do tonight?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Krystal said. “Ceremonies aren’t illegal. I’m only charging him with magic usage without a license. You have to be trained and certified to do magic out in the open like this.”

“Oh,” Albert said, relief washing over his face.

“Truth be told, you should be worried more about yourself than your friend,” Krystal said as she knelt down and picked up Neil’s book. “Zombies are only allowed to exist on work visas.”

“What does that mean?” Albert asked.

“Zombies need a job, or they lose focus and create havoc. Your buddy here is unlicensed, so he can’t offer you employment. It’s almost impossible for zombies to get work other than with the necromancer that created them, so we have to terminate them,” Krystal explained.

“And when you say ‘terminate’ . . . ” Albert let the sentence trail off.

“‘Return you to your place in natural world’ is the way the higher ups put it,” she said, finishing his thought.

“Oh, no,” Albert said, shaking slightly, despite the lack of any biological need to.

It was a heartbreaking night for the poor kid. He thought his only friend was dead, he discovered he needed a job he wouldn’t be able to get, and he found out he would likely wind up dead again. My empathy went out to the now not-as-upbeat zombie. He obviously had some self-worth issues, and he definitely needed to stand up for himself more, but it seemed like he really had a good heart. That was a set of circumstances I found all too easy to empathize with.

“Hold on, Krystal,” I said, butting into the conversation. “Exactly what kind of tax benefits come from employing Undead Americans?”

7.

“This movie is god-awful,” I said, taking a handful of popcorn and crunching down.

“Mmhmm. That’s why I picked it. I knew no one else would be here,” Krystal said, gesturing to the empty theatre.

“That couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that it’s three in the morning. Or that this theatre doesn’t even do late night showings.”

“Hey, I promised you a movie, so I called in a favor.”

“Uh huh. One day we need to have a talk about you and your job and your favors,” I said with a mustering of authority.

“Did you want to do that tonight?” Krystal said, her eyes growing serious. There was a hardness there that worried me a bit. I might be the more powerful between the two of us, but I didn’t really think I was the stronger.

“Well . . . no, not tonight. I think we’ve had enough of your job for this evening,” I said, as I verbally scampered away from that previous authoritative tone.

“Oh, like it was all bad. You got a new assistant and roommate out of the deal,” Krystal said, her eyes softening and her usual smile dancing into place.

“I couldn’t let the kid just be put back in the ground. Besides, I really did need the help. Still, I guess now I’ll have to buy blood and animal corpses to keep us both fed,” I said.

“Zombies don’t eat flesh, Freddy,” Krystal corrected. “They don’t eat anything, not for nutrition. That’s what makes them perfect servants. They don’t need to eat, drink, or sleep. All they do is work, and in the case of yours, file documents.”

“Wait,” I said. “The whole reason we went out there was reports of a late night lumbering figure and an increase in missing pets. If that wasn’t Albert, then who was it?”

“Neil,” she said as she turned her attention to the frankenbeast skulking on the screen. “I got a full confession out of him while you were getting Albert set up at your place. He was out at night practicing to try and bring Albert back. He would kill the pets, then try to revive them. The one time he succeeded he let the damn thing wander away, which means I get to spend tomorrow hunting for a freaking zombie rabbit.”

“That will be an annoyance. Won’t you have to wipe the memories or something of all the vampire characters that saw Neil lose it too?” I asked.

“Feh, I wish we had mind-wiping abilities. That would be sweet,” Krystal said. “No, we already had the cops that came and unchained them feed them a story. Neil was just some kid who went off his meds and was going to chop them up. Luckily, they had an undercover agent there in the form of me, and I was able to subdue him before he committed any real crimes.”

“What about when you said he was under arrest for magic without a license?”

“Playing to his delusion so he would come along more peacefully.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well, I guess that makes sense. You know, for all his faults, Neil really did seem to care about his friend, though. The whole reason he started this was to bring back his buddy.”

Krystal nodded. “He’s talented, and he got into it for the right reasons. He just went a little nutty. It happens to everyone without training. Part of the sentence will be enrolling him in courses with a master. In a few months, he’ll be able to control the megalomania and still use magic. Kid with his talent will probably be certified in a year or so.”

“Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that. If Neil is so good at magic, why didn’t his mind control spell work on you?”

“Pshh, no one tells me what to do,” she
said with a wink.

“That seemed like a dodge,” I said.

“Very good, fang boy.” Krystal lifted up the armrest that separated our two seats. “Now, do you want to chase this topic and keep talking,” she said as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and pulled herself onto my lap, “or do you want to make some use of this empty theatre?”

For the record, I knew this was another dodge. A more sophisticated one admittedly, but still, obviously, her changing the subject to avoid me asking more questions. I knew that quite clearly.

I just didn’t care. Relationships are built on trust anyway, right?