The Unsettled Dust (36 page)

Thus it was full night when somehow they reached the spot where the track seemed simply to end – with no good reason supplied, as Stephen had always thought. Elizabeth would have been seriously upset if somehow she had seen at such a spot the familiar car in which she had taken so many
unforgettable
outings, even when a virtual invalid. She might have concluded that at long last she had reached the final bourne.

The moon, still in its third quarter, managed to glimmer, like a fragrance, through the mist; but there could be no visible stars. Stephen switched on his flash, an item of official supply.

‘We don’t need it,’ said Nell. ‘Please not.’

Nell was uncaring of cold, of storm, of fog, of fatigue. Her inner strength was superb, and Stephen loved it. But her indifference to such darkness as this reminded Stephen of her father, that wonderful entity, whom it was so unlucky ever to mention, probably even to think of. None the less, Stephen turned back the switch. He had noticed before that he was doing everything she said.

As best he could, he helped her to unload the car, and followed her along the narrow paths through the damp
heather
. Naturally, he could not see a trace of the house, and he suddenly realised that, though they struggled in silence, he could not even hear the gently heaving spring. They were making a pile at the spot where the house must be; and Nell never put a foot wrong in finding the pile a second, third, and even fourth time. Much of the trip was steep, and Stephen was quite winded once more by his fourth climb in almost no moonlight at all, only the faint smell of moonlight; but when, that time, he followed Nell over the tangled brow, the mist fell away for a moment, as mist on mountains intermittently does, and at last Stephen could see the house quite clearly.

He looked at Nell standing there, pale and mysterious as the moonlight began to fade once more.

‘Have you still got my letter?’

She put her hand on her breast pocket.

‘Of course I have.’

They re-entered the house, for which no key was ever deemed necessary. It might be just as well, for none was available.

Stephen realised at once that what they were doing was moving into the house pretty finally; not, as he had so recently proposed, preparing to move out of it in a short time. It was clear that once Nell truly and finally entered one’s life, one had simply to accept the consequences. Stephen could
perceive
well enough that Nell was at every point moved by forces in comparison with which he was moved by inauthentic fads.

*

Acquiescence was the only possibility. The admixture in Nell of ignorance and wisdom, sometimes even surface
sophistication
, was continuously fascinating. In any case, she had left familiar surroundings and completely changed her way of life for him. He must do the same for her without end; and he wished it.

The moonlight was now insufficient to show the state of the walls or the curiously assorted furnishings or the few personal traps he had omitted to bear to London. Stephen had worn gloves to drive and had not removed them to lug. He wore them still.

None the less, when he said, ‘Shall we have a light now?’ he spoke with some reluctance.

‘Now,’ said Nell. ‘We’re at home now.’

He fired up some of the rough cressets he had managed to lay hands on when he had borrowed the sottish Jarrold’s Land Rover.

Nell threw herself against him. She kissed him again and again.

As she did so, Stephen resolved to look at nothing more. To look was not necessarily to see. He even thought he
apprehended
a new vein of truth in what Nell had said on that second day, still only a very short time ago, about her father.

Nell went upstairs and changed into the dress he had bought her. She had done it without a hint, and he took for granted that she had done it entirely to give pleasure. In aspect, she was no longer a part of nature, merging into it, an oread. Not surprisingly, the dress did not fit very well, but on Nell it looked like a peplos. She was a sybil. Stephen was scarcely surprised. There was no need for him to see anything other than Nell’s white and black robe, intuitively selected, prophetically insisted upon; quite divine, as ordinary normal girls used to say.

When he dashed off his gloves in order to caress her, he regarded only her eyes and her raiment; but later there was eating to be done, and it is difficult, in very primitive lighting, to eat without at moments noticing one’s hands. These
particular
hands seemed at such moments to be decorated with horrid subfuse smears, quite new. Under the circumstances, they might well have come from inside Stephen’s driving gloves; warm perhaps, but, like most modern products, of no precise or very wholesome origin. If ineradicable, the marks were appalling; not to be examined for a single second.

When Nell took off her new dress, Stephen saw at once (how else but at once?) that her own small single mark had vanished. She was as totally honied as harvest home, and as luscious, and as rich.

Stephen resolved that in the morning, if there was one, he would throw away all the souvenirs of Elizabeth he had brought with him. They could be scattered on the moor as ashes in a memorial garden, but better far. The eyes that were watching from behind the marks on the walls and ceilings and utensils glinted back at him, one and all. The formless left hands were his to shake.

*

In the nature of things, love was
nonpareil
that night; and there was music too. Nell’s inner being, when one knew her, when one really knew her, was as matchless as her unsullied body. Goodness is the most powerful aphrodisiac there is, though few have the opportunity of learning. Stephen had learned long before from the example of Elizabeth, and now he was learning again.

Time finally lost all power.

The music became endlessly more intimate.

‘God!’ cried Stephen suddenly. ‘That’s Schumann!’ He had all but leapt in the air. Ridiculously.

‘Where?’ asked Nell. Stephen realised that he was virtually sitting on her. He dragged himself up and was standing on the floor.

‘That music. It’s Schumann.’

‘I hear no music.’

‘I don’t suppose you do.’

Stephen spoke drily and unkindly, as he too often did, but he knew that everything was dissolving.

For example, he could see on the dark wall the large portrait of Elizabeth by a pupil of Philip de Laszlo which had hung in their conjugal bedroom. The simulacrum was faint and ghostly, like the music, but he could see it clearly enough for present purposes, dimly self-illuminated.

He had taken that picture down with his own hands, years and years ago; and the reason had been, as he now instantly recalled, that the light paintwork had speedily become
blotched
and suffused. They had naturally supposed it to be something wrong with the pigments, and had spoken between themselves of vegetable dyes and the superiorities of Giotto and Mantegna. Stephen had hidden the festering canvas in the communal basement storeroom, and had
forgotten
about it immediately. Now he could see it perfectly well, not over the bed, but in front of it, as always.

‘Come back,’ said Nell. ‘Come back to me.’

The music, which once, beyond doubt, had been the music of love, was dying away. In its place, was a persistent
snuffling
sound, as if the house from outside, or the room from inside, were being cased by a wolf.

‘What’s that noise? That noise of an animal?’

‘Come back to me,’ said Nell. ‘Come back, Stephen.’
Perhaps
she was quite consciously dramatising a trifle.

He had gone to the window, but of course could see nothing save the misleading huge shapes of the flapping birds.

He went back to the bed and stretched out both his hands to Nell. He was very cold.

Though there was almost no light, Nell grasped his two hands and drew him down to her.

‘You see and hear so many things, Stephen,’ she said.

As she spoke, he had, for moments, a vision of a different kind.

Very lucidly, he saw Nell and himself living together, but, as it might be, in idealised form, vaguely, intensely. He knew that it was an ideal of which she was wonderfully capable, perhaps because she was still so young. All that was required of him was some kind of trust.

Held by her strong hands and arms, he leant over her and faltered.

‘But whatever animal is that?’ he demanded.

She released his hands and curled up like a child in distress. She had begun to sob.

‘Oh, Nell,’ he cried. He fell on her and tried to reach her. Her muscles were as iron, and he made no impression at all.

In any case, he could not stop attending to the snuffling, if that was the proper word for it. He thought it was louder now. The noise seemed quite to fill the small, low, dark, remote room; to leave no space for renewed love, however desperate the need, however urgent the case.

Suddenly, Stephen knew. A moment of insight had come to him, an instinctual happening.

He divined that outside or inside the little house was Nell’s father.

It was one reason why Nell was twisted in misery and terror. Her father had his own ways of getting to the truth of things. She had said so.

Stephen sat down on the bed and put his hand on her shoulder. Though he was shivering dreadfully, he had become almost calm. The process of illumination was
suggesting
to him the simple truth that, for Nell too, the past must be ever present. And for her it was, in common terms, the terms after which he himself was so continuously
half-aspiring
, a past most absurdly recent. How could he tell what experiences were hers, parallel to, but never meeting, his own?

It would be no good even making the obvious suggestion that they should dwell far away. She could never willingly leave the moor, even if it should prove the death of her; no more than he had been able all those years to leave the flat, the job, the life, all of which he had hated, and been kept alive in only by Elizabeth.

‘What’s the best thing to do, Nell?’ Stephen enquired of her. ‘Tell me and we’ll do it exactly. Tell me. I think I’m going to dress while you do so. And then perhaps you’d better dress too.’

After all, he began to think, there was little that Nell had ever said about her father or her sister which many girls might not have said when having in mind to break away. He would not have wanted a girl who had no independent judgement of her own family.

The processes of insight and illumination were serving him well, and the phantom portrait seemed to have dissipated completely. The snuffling and snorting continued. It was
menacing
and unfamiliar, but conceivably it was caused merely by a common or uncommon but essentially manageable
creature
of the moors. Stephen wished he had brought his revolver (another official issue), even though he had no experience in discharging it. He could not think how he had omitted it. Then he recollected the horrible furred-up flat, and shuddered anew, within his warm clothes.

For the first time it occurred to him that poor Elizabeth might be trying, from wherever she was, to warn him. Who could tell that Harriet had not made a miraculous recovery (she was, after all, in touch with many different faiths); and was not now ready once more to accept him for a spell into the life at the rectory?

Nell was being very silent.

Stephen went back to the bed.

‘Nell.’

He saw that she was not in the bed at all, but standing by the door.

‘Nell.’

‘Hush,’ she said. ‘We must hide.’

‘Where do we do that?’

‘I shall show you.’ He could see that she was back in her shirt and trousers; a part of the natural scene once more. Her white dress glinted on the boards of the floor.

To Stephen her proposal seemed anomalous. If it really was her father outside, he could penetrate everywhere, according to her own statement. If it was a lesser adversary, combat might be better than concealment.

Nell and Stephen went downstairs in the ever more noisy darkness, and Nell, seemingly without effort, lifted a stone slab in the kitchen floor. Stephen could not quite make out how she had done it. Even to find the right slab, under those conditions, was a feat.

‘All the houses have a place like this,’ Nell explained.

‘Why?’ enquired Stephen. Surely Nell’s father was an
exceptional
phenomenon? Certainly the supposed motion of him was akin to no other motion Stephen had ever heard.

‘To keep their treasure,’ said Nell.

‘You are my treasure,’ said Stephen.

‘You are mine,’ responded Nell.

There were even a few hewn steps, or so they felt to him. Duly it was more a coffer than a room, Stephen apprehended; but in no time Nell had the stone roof down on them, almost with a flick of the elbow, weighty though the roof must have been.

Now the darkness was total; something distinctly different from the merely conventional darkness above. All the same, Stephen of all people could not be unaware that the stone sides and stone floor and stone ceiling of the apartment were lined with moss and lichen. No doubt he had developed sixth and seventh senses in that arena, but the odour could well have sufficed of itself.

‘How do we breathe?’

‘There is a sort of pipe. That’s where the danger lies.’

‘You mean it might have become blocked up?’

‘No.’

He did not care next to suggest that it might now be blocked deliberately. He had already made too many tactless
suggestions
of that kind.

She saved him the trouble of suggesting anything. She spoke in the lowest possible voice.

‘He might come through.’

It was the first time she had admitted, even by implication, who it was: outside or inside – or both. Stephen fully realised that. It was difficult for him not to give way to the shakes once more, but he clung to the vague possibilities he had tried to sort out upstairs.

‘I should hardly think so,’ he said. ‘But how long do you suggest we wait?’