The Unorthodox Arrival of Pumpkin Allan (23 page)

On Monday, Lois was on a mission to get done some of the things that she had been meaning to do for ages. The weekend had ended up being full on, with her parent’s visit on Saturday and Adam’s barbecue lasting until well into the evening on Sunday. Visiting Bert and Betty was first on the list, followed by tackling the flowerbeds in the front garden, ordering a new nameplate for the cottage and then she was going to sit down and start reading the book that Debbie had given her. She decided she would tidy up the breakfast things later.

Lois felt very embarrassed that she hadn’t been to see Bert and Betty sooner. She knocked tentatively on the back door, which was ajar.

She pushed the door open slightly more and called, “Cooee, Bert, Betty, it’s Lois!”

“Is that Lois?” came Betty’s tiny voice from her chair in the corner of the kitchen.

“It is Betty, yes. How are you?” Lois walked across the kitchen reaching for Betty’s hands, which she was holding out.

“Oh Lois, I’m so glad you’ve come.” Betty was shaking. Her voice was wavering as she spoke. “It’s Bert. I’m so worried about ‘im!” Betty reached for a hankie that she had poked up the sleeve of a somewhat grubby cardigan, and wiped her eyes. After that she had trouble getting her words out. Lois knelt down and waited until she’d regained her ability to speak.

“I don’t know wha’s the matter with ‘im Lois, I’m sure I don’t. ‘E keeps talking nonsense! Say’s there’s li’l people livin’ in the ‘ouse. That ‘e don’t know what to do about ‘em, says they won’t go away.”

Lois was completely taken aback; she’d only popped in for a quick chat! “Gosh Betty, no wonder you’re worried! How long has he been like this?”

“Ooh, a couple o’ days I think. ‘E’s not been ‘elping me, you see, Lois. My, I do struggle to get on without ‘is ’elp. ’E’s not made any food. ’E ’asn’t eaten. I’ve ’ad what I managed to find in the fridge an’ the cupboard, a piece of cheese and some stale crackers.” Lois’s mind was starting to wander as Betty spoke. What was she going to do to sort this out? Who to tell first? “……Burn the ‘ouse down!” said Betty, snapping Lois’s chain of thought back to the here and now.

“Pardon Betty, I didn’t catch that.”

“‘E said ‘e’s going to burn the ‘ouse down, it’s the only thing that’ll get rid of ‘em.”

“Get rid of them?”

“The li’l people. ‘E says it’s the only thing to do.”

“Bloody hell,” said Lois in astonishment. “Where is he now?”

“I think ‘e’s upstairs dear. Oh Lois, what should we do?”

“What’s your doctors phone number Betty?”

Betty directed Lois to where the address book was kept. Lois found the number and having established that Bert and Betty didn’t have a phone, put it in her mobile, then went to find Bert.

She climbed the stairs slowly and cautiously, not really knowing what to expect at the top. Had Bert transformed from sweet old man into a raving nutcase since she’d last seen him? She reached the landing and called quietly, “Bert, it’s Lois, I’ve come to see how you are.” Lois’s heart was racing as she knocked on the bedroom door. She could see Bert’s reflection in the cracked dressing table mirror as she walked slowly into the room. He saw her reflection and smiled.

“Whose tha’?”

“It’s me, Lois. Just come to see how you are Bert.”

“Bloody awful! Tha’s ‘ow I am. Been invaded aint we! Pol’erguists, loads of ‘em, livin’ in the walls.” As Bert spoke, Lois saw his eyes flick across the room. Picking up a walking stick from the bed and shaking it at the wardrobe, he growled, “Go on, get out of it yer li’l bastard! There, see ‘im run Lois? You’ve got to keep on top of ‘em, see. So long as I’m ‘ere to chase ‘em away, it’s okay. But when I go downstairs, well, they all come in. There were ‘undreds of ‘em earlier. I said to Betty, I said, the best thing is to burn ‘em out, then they’ll not come back. I’ve not got time to sit up ‘ere all day, I’ve got Betty to look after yer know!” Lois noticed a box of matches on the bed. ”Watch out!” Bert shook his stick again, this time, in Lois’s direction. “Cor, you was lucky then. That one nearly ‘ad yer!”

Lois wasn’t at all sure how to respond, she wanted Bert to go downstairs, away from the matches. “Oh yes Bert, I saw that one! I tell you what, why don’t you go down and look after Betty for a while? I’ll keep watch up here.”

“Would you love? But do you think you can manage ‘em?”

“I think so, I’ll give you a shout if not.”

“All right, if you’re sure.” Bert got up, passed the walking stick to Lois and made his way slowly downstairs to Betty. Once he was out of earshot, Lois dialled the surgery number and asked to speak to Bert’s doctor. She felt the situation was serious, but didn’t know whether she should call an ambulance or not.

A familiar voice on the other end of the phone said, “Hello, who am I speaking to?”

“Lois Shenfield. I’m a neighbour of Bert and Betty Gibbons,”

“Lois, hi, it’s Richard speaking, what’s going on?”

Lois, felt greatly relieved to be speaking to Richard, it made the whole situation a great deal easier to explain. She proceeded to tell him about Bert’s bizarre behaviour, including his threats to burn down the house, the fact that Betty had been being neglected and that she was very worried about leaving them.

“Lucky you called in on them Lois! Now, if you can stay with them for a while, I’ll organise an ambulance. We’ll get them into the community hospital for a few days, I’m pretty sure there are a couple of beds available, that should do it.”

“But Bert’s gone quite mad Richard! It’ll take longer than a few days to sort him out surely?”

“Well maybe, but the likelihood is he’s got an infection, chest or urine most likely. A few days of antibiotics’ll probably put him right.”

“Oh. Well that would be great. Okay, so I’ll stay here. How long do you think it’ll take?”

“No more than an hour, with luck, otherwise I’ll call you.”

When, a remarkably short time later, Lois saw the ambulance pull up outside, she went downstairs to find Bert and Betty sitting, holding hands over rancid cups of tea. Bert got up immediately and said that he must go and take over the watch. “Don’t worry Bert,” said Lois, “I’ll go back up in a minute.” Lois had spent her time upstairs carefully planning what to say to Bert, to encourage him to accept the hospital admission. “Bert, I hope you don’t mind, but I rang Doctor Richard to tell him about the little people.” To Lois’s relief, Bert nodded with interest. “He said there’s a special chemical that can be used to fumigate the house. Apparently it works very well on little people.” Bert gave a hint of a smile. “He suggested a short stay in the community hospital for you both, probably no more than a few days, while the house is fumigated. Bert seemed surprisingly happy with this explanation and when the ambulance crew arrived at the back door, was quite happy to potter off with them. Betty called Lois over, “Thank you Lois, you are a dear. What does the doctor think’s wrong, why’s ‘e gone la-la?”

“He thinks the likelihood is that Bert’s got an infection and with a few days on antibiotics, hopefully he’ll be back to his old self. Now shall I pack a few things for you both?”

“Tha’d be grand pet. And the cat Lois, can you take the back door key and feed ‘im for us while we’re gone?”

“Of course.”

Lois went up and found a very old, dusty suitcase on the top of the wardrobe, into which she packed a few essentials for Bert and Betty. She didn’t like rummaging through their draws, worried about invading their privacy, but also, everything seemed so grimy, she quite expected a mouse to run up her arm! The place really did need a good scrubbing. The carpets were almost black and the most enormous cobwebs hung from the ceiling. And dust, Lois had never seen anything like it, there must have been half an inch on some surfaces. Just as she was about to leave the bedroom Lois heard a scratching noise from above her head. Glis glis in the loft, a sound that would no doubt be enough to encourage Bert’s hallucinations along a treat!

Lois took the case down to the ambulance and waved Bert and Betty off. She breathed a huge sigh of relief and walked back to lock up the house. As she made her way home Lois was surprised to see a car drawing up outside Honeysuckle. As she got closer she could see a vaguely familiar face. “Oh shit, it’s the bloody midwife!” she mumbled under her breath. “Monday, eleven o’clock. I really must start writing things down, my memory is shot to pieces!” The house was a mess, she hadn’t read the book….but then Lois realised, she did have a good excuse, she’d been saving her elderly neighbours from the jaws of death! It took Lois a few seconds to remember Hattie’s name, but it came to her just as she reached the car and Hattie got out. They greeted each other and Lois led the way into the cottage, which it has to be said, was really not looking its best.

Lois felt quite flustered as she offered Hattie a seat and a coffee. Whilst waiting for the kettle to boil she was able to nip to the outside loo and do the specimen that she had also forgotten about.

When Hattie left an hour later, Lois was feeling very positive about the idea of a home delivery. She’d been instilled with confidence that she had the ability to successfully have a natural birth. “Being at home means you’ll be more relaxed and being relaxed means you are less likely to need any intervention. Of course your choices are limited and it is possible that you may have to be rushed to hospital in the advanced stages of labour,” Hattie said earnestly, “but that’s very unlikely.”

When Hattie had gone, Lois went on line and checked the distances to the hospitals. Three maternity units, all about half an hour away. Not ideal, but no doubt the John Radcliffe in Oxford could be reached quicker if one blatted down the motorway fast enough. And then there was the air ambulance… Lois was decided; a home birth was what appealed. That decision made she booked a birthing pool to be delivered to the house two weeks before her due date.

Lois felt so invigorated by her decision to aim for a home birth that, having ordered the pool; she went out for a run. This was something Lois had never done before and was more of a walk than a run. Jog ten steps, walk twenty. But, nonetheless, it was a step in the right direction. As she passed Chaz and Margaret’s house, she wondered how Margaret’s weight loss program was progressing and whether Sicily was still involved.

Lois made her way to Willow Farm and wandered around the stable yard to see if there was any sign of Sicily. The place was deserted. She decided to call in at the house. It was a hot day and her attempt at exercise, meagre though it was, had made her thirsty and she hadn’t had the sense or experience to take a bottle of water with her. And of course, having not seen Sicily for a while, she fancied having a catch-up. As she sauntered along the driveway that led from the yard to the house, she heard a loud rustling in the huge fir hedge, which surrounded the garden. Her brain was just starting to process the fact that she had forgotten all about the guard dog, when it flew around the far end of the hedge, hackles on end and teeth bared! Lois froze. Her heart was pounding in her chest. There was no time to run, there was no time to do anything….except, “SIT!” she shouted, in the most commanding voice she could muster. Lois was astonished, she’d expected to be lying on her back fighting the monster of a dog off within seconds, but instead it was suddenly lying down wagging its tail like a cuddly lap dog. Lois put her hand to her chest and took some deep breaths. She was just contemplating whether it would be safe to move, when a voice behind her made her jump.

“What did I tell you about coming to visit?” Lois spun round to see Sicily standing just behind her. “Lucky I was ‘ere, ‘e’d of ‘ad you!”

“Oh, I was thinking I’d made him sit.”

“No Lo, ‘fraid not, that was me gesticulating from behind you.”

Lois, overwhelmed by shock and relief, felt quite faint. Sicily saw that the colour had drained from her, grabbed her by the arm and guided her to the house.

Lois recovered quickly with the aid of tea and cake. She certainly would not come to Willow Farm again without contacting Sicily first. They spent a very pleasant half hour catching up on each other’s news. Much to Lois’s surprise, Sicily reckoned Maggie had lost twenty pounds since she had taken up her post of personal trainer. However, Lois did wonder whether Sicily was stretching the truth a little.

Lois walked home at a much more sedate pace, exhausted by her burst of exercise and the Alsatian incident. She stopped in at Bert and Betty’s to feed the cat, which was very pleased to see her. Made a fuss of it for five minutes or so, then made her way home and fell fast asleep on the sofa. She was woken within the hour by her mobile ringing. It was Tom. His brother’s wife had just given birth to a girl, Izzy. She was apparently born by emergency caesarian and weighed in at ten pounds.

“Ten pounds! Bloody hell!” squeaked Lois, “That’s huge! Did they realise it was going to be as big as that before Chloe went into labour?” Lois’s mind was conjuring up a very disturbing image of being at home, trying unsuccessfully to give birth to a giant of a baby. The thought made her feel quite sick.

“I’ve no idea. Anyway, shall we go and see them tonight if I can get home early?”

“Won’t she be resting?”

“Joe said it would be fine. He’s so excited. He Sounds like he’s desperate to show the baby off to someone.”

It was agreed that, provided Tom was home by five, they would drive around the M25 to St Albans and make a brief visit to congratulate Joe and Chloe and welcome Izzy to the family.