The Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby (7 page)

“Is that all you got out of it?” asked mama.

“Well,” said papa, “I used to wish I could go back for a time and buy a ticket for the Zeigfeld Follies, but after seeing the bathing suits at Henli, I've ceased to be homesick. The tailors who made them must have stolen enough material to buy outfits for the whole family. Most of them were as short as the love letters of a man with a sprained arm.”

Auntie said she liked regatta very much, but didn't see why they had people to row when there was a man at the back of the boat to pull it along with strings.

Not much doing today. Sat on floor during tiffin and heard mama ask papa if he would have a mango.

“Do I eat it?” asked papa, “I always thought the mango was a dance.”

“You probably also thought that the papaia was something to play on the ukelele,” said mama, with next-door girl expression.

Papa said that he might be ignorant, but at least he didn't tell lady from Japan that he hadn't gone to see the Diabutsu because he didn't like slumming. No answer from mama.

Still quiet today. Had pleasant time eating colored spots off bamboo dragon that family bought at Henli. Tried to make it teach wooden elephant how to switch tail, but wooden elephant wouldn't learn. Will take bamboo dragon to Hongkew Park this afternoon and try to throw scare into Jap baby.

Pleasant weather. Missed taking bamboo dragon to Hongkew Park, as papa played with it so much that he broke switch in tail. Hope he doesn't get interested in my bottle. Would like to keep a few things to myself if possible, as Auntie has taken beauty-pins and amah is using talcum powder for complexion.

Mama busy getting ready for bridge party. Was fixing flowers when papa came home to tiffin.

“I've always heard that flowers in China don't smell,” said mama, sniffing caterpillar on leaf.

“They're lucky,” said papa, “Sometimes I wish I couldn't.”

Papa remarked that it was open season for onions on the Whangpoo and that fragrance was strong enough to win all events if only allowed in Far
Eastern Olympic.

“The man who named the Garden Bridge must have had a bad cold,” said papa.

“Maybe he was thinking of a vegetable garden,” mama answered.

Papa said later that national air of China differed from that of other countries, as other countries expected people to stand up for national air, while that of China knocked people down.

Sat on floor during tiffin, and tried to make friends with wooden elephant again, which was unhappy because of bamboo dragon. Mama said she was busy trying to figure out what to give for bridge prize, as she didn't want to spend money and yet wanted to be sure not to give anything she had won at house of some lady present.

“I think I'll pick out a couple of guest towels without initials,” mama said.

“Guest towels were built on the assumption that guests have only half a hand and no face,” said papa. “I don't know why a person visiting is supposed to need a towel only one-sixth as big as he uses at home. I always take half a dozen and use them in relays.”

Mama said that size of guest towel didn't matter
much, as stranger in bathroom always used family towels anyway and merely crumpled up guest towel for form. Manicure amah came just then and mama said she was very glad, as she needed new supply of gossip to entertain company.

Had pleasant ride to Hongkew Park. Saw Jap baby and made face. Jap baby tried to turn up nose at me but couldn't as didn't have enough nose. Had interesting time watching bigger baby take walk in lake with goldfish, while amahs were busy telling about missees' new dresses. Nice day.

Came back from ride and found family excited because papa missed light trousers from last year. Mama said we might have key made for wardrobe, but Auntie remarked that would be like locking barn door after stone had stopped gathering moss. Wonder if papa ever saw amah dressed up to visit family.

Papa asked mama at tiffin if she had had good time at bridge party, and mama said yes, that she heard three new scandals about ladies' who went to Carlton
with people not husband.

“There was some good bridge, too,” said mama.

“Not as good as I play,” said papa. “Last time I was in a game I made a grand slam by my playing.”

“That was a pianola hand,” mama answered. “It played itself.”

Papa said he didn't get credit for anything except refreshments bought at club, and even there they wouldn't give him beyond the first of the month.

Hongkew Park getting ready for something called Olympics. Wonder if they will enter any Jap babies. Would like to take part in wooden elephant-throwing contest.

Saturday and not much doing. Family went last night to hear lecture on something called relativity. Auntie said she had idea perfectly, only couldn't explain it. Mama remarked that main idea was that everything is sometimes shorter than others, and papa said he was exception to law, as family kept him short all the time.

“When I saw the three balls at the front of the stage I thought the relative was going to be an uncle,” papa said.

Mama said she didn't believe so much ether was floating around, as it has an awful smell and everything would seem like hospital.

“Dr. Einstein must have gotten the idea that there is no absolute time by trying to set his watch according to the clocks along Nanking Road,” papa said.

Auntie remarked that lecture was just too cute for words but next time she was going to movies.

Pleasant weather. Mama asked papa to go to church in morning and papa said that last time he went, mama took so long to get ready that they missed all the singing and just hit the collection.

“Nobody stylish goes to church on time in Shanghai, and a lot of people just leave cards,” said mama. “You needn't worry about the collection either, as all you have to do is sign a chit.”

“Yes, but I hate to think of all those chits waiting for me in Heaven and being chased by shroffs with wings,” papa answered.

Mama said that if papa really expected to see chits in the Beyond he ought to write them on asbestos. No answer from papa, except prayer about razor.

Spent morning in basement while amah pressed clothes with iron having smokestack in top and told cook's wife about zoo in ancestry. Trouble because cook's wife said amah went to place called Great World with cook. Cook very busy in pantry taking ice out of refrigerator to sell to step-uncle running sherbet stand.

Rainy day. Papa came back from Hongkew Park and said that baseball game would have been great success if players were only allowed to use sampans. Fat lady called later with other lady just from America who is translating Chinese poems into English.

“You learned Chinese pretty quickly,” said papa.

“Oh, I don't know any Chinese, said lady, swinging brown glass beads, “I just translate.”

“I'm familiar with that type of work, as I've done a little of it myself,” said papa. “Here is a fragment I translated from Li Po: ‘Oh laundryman, spreading wash in Hongkew, How the morning sun shines on sheets and pillow-cases! Are you thinking of Confucius as you stand in the sun-light, Or are you merely wondering if family will miss those silk pajamas?'”

Poetry lady said poem was very unusual, and papa
said it was not easy to write, as he had lots of trouble getting poetic license from Municipal Council. Papa then asked if he should recite another poem, but lady said she guessed she'd better be going.

Quiet day. Mama told papa he ought to improve mind by going to meeting of Shanghai Psychic Research Society.

“It's all about spirits,” said mama.

“Will they teach me how to make home-brew in case I go back to the States?” asked papa.

Mama said it was not that kind of spirits, but the kind you see through.

Papa answered that in that case he didn't want to go, as he could do research work enough sitting in lobby of Palace Hotel and watching summer girls come in door.

In Which the Baby Has a Brief Glimpse of the Far Eastern Olympics … Economical Phases of the Dinner Dance … The Battle of the Sukiaki House … The Mosquito Massage as an Indoor Sport.

Nice morning. Sat on floor upstairs and watched coolie put up netting to keep mosquitoes from getting away from bed. Papa came home from Hongkew Park and said he hadn't seen so many kimonos outdoors since big hotel burned down in America.

“Was the track meet any good?” asked mama.

“Yes,” answered papa, “but I know a ricsha coolie that could beat any of them. The only trouble is that they wouldn't let him enter his ricsha and he wouldn't know how to run without it.”

Mama said track-meet might be pretty good, but that she could see a better one by standing at corner of Nanking and Szechuen Roads and watching people cross street at noon-time.

Not much doing today. Went to Hongkew Park, but Sikh policeman said perambulator and its chauffeur would have to stay outside grounds. Heard noise inside like orphan asylum calling for bottle. Must have been chorus of Jap babies.

Nice day. Lady who is house-hunting called at tiffin and mama asked her if she had found any place.

“Yes,” said lady. “We have the choice of sharing an attic room with two poodles or renting apartment for summer, provided we take over furniture and husband.”

Mama told papa that family landlord had called and asked for two hundred taels a month, but papa said to tell him that he was no Rudyard Kipling and couldn't think up that many.

Rain. Auntie excited about man who had invited her to party at Carlton.

“His friends are very prominent,” said Auntie, trying yellow georgette against sunburn.

“So are his ears,” said papa, looking up from pink sheet.

Auntie didn't say anything then, but remarked later that the only trouble with dancing at Carlton was that nobody kept in step because they were all busy trying to see who everybody else was with.

Not much doing today. Boy busy putting mothballs in pockets of papa's winter suits and taking out change. Nothing left but coppers, as mama had been there first. Papa said at tiffin that moth-balls might keep moths away from clothes, but they also keep everybody else away after suits were resurrected in the fall. Also that for weeks afterwards, he found himself giving mothballs for fare in tram. Hope they don't put my wooden elephant in moth-balls, as may cut more teeth during summer.

Mama told papa that family had invitation to dinner dance for end of the week. Papa said dinner dance was great economy, as boy always put down soup or other course just before music began and then took it away during dance, before anybody had chance to damage it. Mama told him he shouldn't try to sit out, as every time he did it, it meant that lady had to sit out too, but papa replied that he was going to step on all
ladies' toes early in evening so that they would be glad to let him eat dinner.

Nice day. Went for ride to Hongkew Park and saw Jap baby in front of sukiyaki house kept by Jap papa. Pointed at Jap baby with chin like houseboy and then made face. Baby squalled and Jap papa came out of next-door shop where he was having shoes half-soled by carpenter. Wiped Jap baby's nose with Japanese poem on towel. Didn't see me, as amah had sighted another Chinese lady who didn't know story of foreign lady's new third husband and had put perambulator in high.

Weather still good. Mama asked Auntie if she had good time at cafe last night in new dress that tailor had copied from window on Nanking Road. Auntie said she would have had better time if seven other ladies had not also copied dress, but that anyway she had enjoyed seeing next door girl sit out dances and had also noticed five ladies dancing with their own husbands. Papa said maybe next door girl had something wrong with foot, but Auntie remarked that it was probably because she is pigeon-toed in features.

Weather pretty good. Mama told papa that, if he doesn't screen lower part of house pretty soon, she will have to eat dinner with feet in pillow-case.

“If you would only eat dinner with your head in a pillow-case, I'd have more quiet in which to enjoy food,” papa said.

Mama remarked that when he enjoyed food, nobody else had any quiet, didn't hear more as amah came in just then to give me bath with laundry soap.

Nice day. Auntie very excited. Said Bertie had almost proposed to her at Carlton, but was interrupted by having to go across room to see friend.

“He has a regular path worn around the Carlton from getting up to see friends when the Chinese boy brings in the arithmetic,” said papa.

Auntie said papa didn't seem to know that Bertie was valuable office man and that he is an expert on the touch system.

“I'll say he is,” said papa, “He touched me for ten dollars once and it's still absent.”

Mama said she loved romance and asked Auntie what Bertie had said.

“He told me that he would cling to me as long as a
ricsha coolie does to a straw hat.” said Auntie clasping hands and looking at fly on ceiling.