The Undomestic Goddess (28 page)

I can see impressed glances being exchanged across the table. An elderly woman at the end
turns to Trish, looking bewildered.

Are all your help lawyers? Not all, says Trish airily, taking a deep gulp of champagne. But you
know, having had

a Cambridge-educated housekeeper... I could never go back.

Where do you get them from? a red-haired woman asks avidly. Is there a special agency?

Its called Oxbridge Housekeepers, says Guy, placing a mushroom tart in front of her. Very
choosy. Only those with first-class honors can apply.

Goodness! The red-haired woman gazes up, agog.

I, on the other hand, went to Harvard, he continues. So Im with Harvard Help. Our motto
is: Because thats what an Ivy League education is for. Isnt that right, Samantha?

Shut up , I mutter. Just serve the food. At last all the ladies are served and we retreat to the
empty kitchen. Very funny, I say, plonking the tray down with a crash. Youre so witty.

Well, for Gods sake, Samantha. Do you expect me to take all this seriously ? Jesus. He takes off the apron and throws it down on the table. Serving food to a bunch
of airheads. Letting them patronize you.

I have a job to do, I say tightly, opening the oven to check on the salmon. So if youre
not going to help me

This is not the job you should be doing! he suddenly explodes. Samantha, this is a fucking travesty . You have more brains than anyone in that room, and youre serving them? Youre curtsying to them? Youre cleaning their bathrooms ?

He sounds so passionate, I turn round. All traces of teasing have gone from his face.

Samantha, youre one of the most brilliant people I know. His voice is jerky with anger.
You have the best legal mind any of us has ever seen. I cannot let you throw away your
life on this... deluded crap.

Its not deluded crap! I reply, incensed. Just because Im not using my degree, just because
Im not in some office, Im wasting my life? Guy, Im happy . Im enjoying life in a way Ive never done before. I like cooking. I like running a house. I like picking

strawberries from the garden Youre living in fantasyland! he shouts. This is all a
novelty! Its fun because youve

never done it before! But itll wear off! Cant you see that? I feel a pricking of uncertainty inside. Ill ignore it. No. I give my asparagus
sauce a determined stir. I love this life.

Will you still love it when youve been cleaning bath rooms for ten years? Get real. He
comes over to the cooker and I turn away. So you needed a holiday. You needed a break.
Fine. But now you need to come back to real life.

This is real life for me, I shoot back. Its more real than my life used to be.

Guy shakes his head. Charlotte and I went toTuscany last year and learned watercolor
painting. I loved it. The olive oil... the sunsetsthe whole bit. He meets my eyes intently
for a moment, then leans forward. It doesnt mean Im going to become a fucking Tuscan
watercolor painter.

Its different! I wrench my gaze away from his. Guy, Im not going back to that workload. Im
not going back to that pressure. I worked seven days a week, for seven bloody years

Exactly. Exactly! And just as you get the reward...you bail out ? He clutches his head. Samantha, Im not sure you understand the position youre in. Youve
been offered full equity partnership. You can basically demand any income you like. Youre
in control!

What? I look at him, puzzled. What do you mean?

Guy raises his eyes upward, as though summoning the help of the Lawyer Gods.

Do you realize, he says carefully, the storm youve created? Do you realize how bad this
all looks for Carter Spink? This is the worst week of press since the Storesons scandal in
the eighties.

I didnt plan any of it, I say, defensive. I didnt ask the media to turn up on the doorstep

I know. But they did. And Carter Spinks reputation has plummeted. The human- resources
department are beside themselves. After all their touchy-feely well-being programs, all their graduate
recruitment workshops... you tell the world youd rather clean loos. He gives a sudden
snort of laughter. Talk about bad PR.

Well, its true, I say, lifting my chin. I would.

Dont be so perverse! Guy bangs the table in exasperation. You have Carter Spink over a
barrel! They want the world to see you walking back into that office. Theyll pay you
whatever you want! Youd be crazy not to take up their offer!

Im not interested in money, I retort. Ive got enough money

You dont understand! Samantha, if you come back, you can earn enough to retire after ten
years. Youll be set up for life! Then you can go and pick strawberries or sweep floors or whatever crap it is you want to do.

I open my mouth automatically to respondbut all of a sudden I cant quite track my
thoughts. Theyre jumping about all over the place in confusion.

You earned your partnership, says Guy, his tone quieter. You earned it, Samantha. Use it.

Guy doesnt say any more on the subject. Hes always known exactly when to close an
argument; he should have been a barrister. He helps me serve the salmon, then gives me a
hug and tells me to call him as soon as Ive had time to think. And then hes gone, and Im
left alone in the kitchen, my thoughts churning.

I was so sure of myself. But now...

His arguments keep playing out in my mind. They keep hitting true notes. Maybe I am
deluded. Maybe this is all a novelty. Maybe after a few years of a simpler life I wont be
content, Ill be frustrated and bitter. I have a sudden vision of myself mopping floors
with a nylon scarf round my head, assailing people: I used to be a corporate lawyer, you
know.

I have a brain. I have years ahead of me. And hes right. I worked for my partnership. I
earned it.

I bury my head in my hands, resting my elbows on the table, listening to the thump of my
own heart, beating like a question. What am I going to do? What am I going to do ?

Ive never felt so uncertain in my life. Ive always been so positive about what I wanted,
what my goals were, where I was headed. Now I feel like a pendulum, swinging from one side
to the other, back and forth until Im exhausted.

And yet all the time Im being gradually pushed toward one answer. The rational answer. The
answer that makes most sense.

I know what it is. Im just not ready to face up to it yet.

It takes me until six oclock. The lunch is over and Ive cleared the table. Trishs guests
have wandered round the garden and had cups of tea and melted away. As I walk out into the
soft, balmy evening, Nathaniel and Trish are standing by the pond, with a plastic tank by
Nathaniels feet.

His face lights up as he turns and sees meand something seems to wrench my stomach. Theres
no one else whose face lights up like that when they see me. Theres no one else who
manages to make me laugh and feel secure and teach me about worlds of which I knew nothing.

This is a kumonryu, Nathaniel is saying as he scoops something out of the tank in a big
green net. Want to have a look? As I get nearer I see an enormous patterned fish flapping
noisily in the net. He offers it to Trish and she hops back with a little shriek.

Get it away! Put it in the pond!

It cost you two hundred quid, says Nathaniel with a shrug. I thought you might want to say
hello.

Put them all in. Trish shudders. Ill come and see them when theyre swimming about.

She turns on her heel and heads back toward the house.

All right? Nathaniel looks up at me. How was the great charity lunch?

It was... fine.

Did you hear the news? He scoops another fish into the pond. Eamonns just got engaged! Hes
having a party this weekend at the pub.

Thats... thats great.

My mouth is dry. Come on. Just tell him.

You know, we should have a koi pond at the nursery, says Nathaniel, sloshing the rest of
the fish into the pond. Do you know the profit margin on these

Nathaniel, Im going back. I close my eyes, trying to ignore the stab of pain inside. Im
going back toLondon .

For a moment he doesnt move. Then very slowly he turns round, the net still in his hand,
his face expressionless.

Right, he says.

Im going back to my old job as a lawyer. My voice shakes a little. Guy from my old firm
came down today, and he convinced me He showed me. He made me realize I break off and
gesture helplessly.

Realize what? Nathaniel says. He hasnt smiled. He hasnt said, Good idea, thats just what I
was going to suggest.

Why cant he make this easy for me? I cant be a housekeeper all my life! I sound more defensive than Id like. Im a

trained lawyer! I have a brain!

I know you have a brain. Now he sounds defensive. Oh, God. Im not managing this well.

Ive earned partnership. Full equity partnership at Carter Spink. I gaze up at him, trying
to convey the significance of this. Its the most prestigious... lucrative... amazing... I
can make enough money in a few years to retire!

Nathaniel doesnt seem as impressed as he should. He just looks at me steadily. At what
cost?

What do you mean? I avoid his gaze.

I mean that when you turned up here, you were a nervous wreck. You were like some
freaked-out rabbit. White as a sheet. Stiff as a board. You looked like you hadnt ever
seen the sun, you looked like you hadnt ever enjoyed yourself-

Youre exaggerating.

Im not. Cant you see how much youve changed? Youre not edgy anymore. Youre not a bundle of nerves. He picks up
my arm and lets it fall down. That arm would have stayed there!

OK... so Ive relaxed a bit! I throw up my hands. I know Ive changed. Ive calmed down and
Ive learned to cook and iron and pull pintsand Ive had a wonderful time. But its like a
holiday. It cant last forever!

Why not? His persistence is unnerving me.

Because! I say, rattled. If I stay as a housekeeper Ill be unfulfilled!

Is that what your lawyer friend told you? Theres a hostile edge to his tone. That youll be
more fulfilled working twenty-four hours a day? That theyre only thinking of

your own good?

No! I mean, its obvious. I cant clean loos forever!

Nathaniel shakes his head in despair.

So after all this youre just going to go back, pick up the reins, and carry on as though
nothing happened?

Itll be different this time! Ill keep a balance. They really want me to come back, theyll
listen to what I want

Who are you kidding? Nathaniel grips my shoulders. Samantha, they dont give a shit about
you! Cant you see that? Itll be the same stress, the same lifestyle

I feel a sudden surge of anger toward him for not understanding; for not supporting me.

Well, at least I tried something new! My words pour out in a torrent. At least I went out and tried a different
life for a bit!

Whats that supposed to mean? His grasp loosens in shock.

It means, what have you ever tried, Nathaniel? I know I sound shrill and aggressive but I cant help myself. Youre
so narrow-minded! You live in the same village you grew up in, you run the family
business, youre buying a nursery down the road... youre practically still in the womb . So before you lecture me on the way to live my life, try living one of your own, OK?

I break off, panting, to see Nathaniel looking as though Ive slapped him.

I... didnt mean it, I mumble.

I take a few steps away, feeling near to tears. This isnt the way things were supposed to
go. Nathaniel was supposed to support me and give me a hug and tell me I was making the
right decision. Instead here we are, standing yards apart, not even looking at each other.

I thought about spreading my wings. Nathaniel suddenly speaks, his voice stiff. Theres a
nursery inCornwall Id die to own. Fantastic piece of land, fantastic business but I didnt
look at it. I preferred not to be six hours away from you. He shrugs. I guess youre right.
That was pretty narrow-minded of me.

I dont know how to reply. For a while theres silence, except for the cooing of pigeons
down at the end of the garden. It is the most spectacular evening, I suddenly realize.
Evening sun is slanting through the willow tree and the grass smells sweet underneath my
feet.

Nathaniel... I have to go back. My voice isnt quite steady. I dont have any choice. But we
can still be together. The two of us. We can still make it work. Well have holidays...
weekends... Ill come back for Eamonns party... You wont know Ive gone!

Hes silent for a moment, fiddling with the handle of the bucket. When at last he looks up,
his expression makes my heart hurt.

Yeah, he says in a quiet voice.I will.

The news makes the front page of the Daily Mail . I am a genuine celebrity. SAMANTHA CHOOSES LAW OVER LOOS. As I come into the kitchen the
next morning, Trish is poring over it, with Eddie reading another copy.

Trishs interview has been printed! he announces. Look!

I always knew Samantha was a cut above the average housekeeper, says Trish Geiger,
thirty-seven reads out Trish proudly. We often discussed philosophy and ethics together over theHoover .

She looks up and her face changes. Samantha, are you all right? You look absolutely washed
out.

I didnt sleep that well, I admit, and flip on the kettle.

I spent the night at Nathaniels. We cooked mushroom omelets together and watched the end
of an old war movie and had slow, tender sex. We didnt talk any more about my going. But
at three oclock, when I looked over at him, he was awake too, staring up at the ceiling.

You need energy! says Trish, perturbed. Its your big day! You need to look your best!

I will. I try to smile. I just need a cup of coffee.

Its going to be a huge day. The Carter Spink PR department swung into action as soon as I
made my decision and has turned my return into a full media event. Theres going to be a
big press conference at lunchtime in front of the Geigers house, where Ill say how
delighted I am to be going back to Carter Spink. Several of the partners are going to

shake my hand for the photographers and Ill give a few short interviews. And then were all
going back toLondon on the train.

So, says Eddie as I spoon coffee into the pot. All packed up?

Pretty much. And Mrs. Geiger... here. I hand Trish the blue uniform, which Ive been
carrying, folded, under my arm. Its clean and pressed. Ready for your next housekeeper.

As Trish takes the uniform she looks suddenly stricken. Of course, she says, her voice
jumpy. Thank you, Samantha. She clasps a napkin to her eyes.

There, there, says Eddie, patting her on the back. He looks rather moist around the eyes
himself. Oh, God, now I feel like crying myself.

Im really grateful for everything, I gulp. And Im sorry for leaving you in the lurch.

We know youve made the right decision. Its not that . Trish dabs her eyes.

Were very proud of you, chips in Eddie gruffly as the doorbell rings.

I head into the hall, and open the door. The entire PR team from Carter Spink is standing
on the doorstep, all in identical trouser suits.

Samantha. Hilary Grant, head of PR, runs her eyes over me. Ready?

By twelve oclock Im wearing a black suit, black tights, black high heels, and the crispest
white shirt Ive ever seen. Ive been professionally made up and my hair has been scraped
back into a bun.

Hilary brought the clothes and the hairdresser and makeup artist. Now were in the drawing
room while she preps me on what to say to the press. For the thousand millionth time.

Whats the most important thing to remember? shes demanding. Above anything?

Not to mention loos, I say wearily. I promise, I wont.

And if they ask about recipes? She wheels round from where shes been striding up and down.

I answer, Im a lawyer. My only recipe is the recipe for success. Somehow I manage to utter
the words straight-faced.

Id forgotten how seriously the PR department takes all of this. But I suppose its their
job. And I suppose this whole business has been a bit of a nightmare for them. Hilary has
been outwardly pleasant ever since she got herebut I get the feeling theres a little wax
doll of me on her desk, impaled by drawing pins.

We just want to make sure you dont say anything else... unfortunate . She gives me a slightly savage smile.

I wont! Ill stick to the script.

And then the News Today team will follow you back toLondon . She consults her Blackberry. Weve given them access
for the rest of the day. Youre OK about that?

Well... yes. I suppose.

I cannot believe how big this whole thing has become. A news discussion program actually
wants to do a fly-on-the-wall TV documentary section about my return to Carter Spink. Is
there nothing else happening in the world?

Dont look at the camera. Hilary is still briskly issuing instructions. You should be
good-humored and positive. You can talk about the career opportunities Carter Spink has
given you and how much youre looking forward to getting back. Dont mention your salary

Any chance of a coffee round here? Guys voice interrupts us and he comes in, wearing a
pair of expensive shades. He takes them off and grins at me. Maybe you could rustle up
some scones?

Ha ha, I say politely.

Hilary, theres some trouble outside. Guy turns to her. Some TV guy kicking up a fuss.

Damn. Hilary looks at me. Can I leave you for a moment, Samantha? Absolutely! I try not to
sound too eager. Ill be fine! As she leaves I breathe a sigh of relief. So. Guy raises his
eyebrows. How are you? Excited?

Of course! I smile.

Actually I feel a little surreal, wearing a black suit again, surrounded by Carter Spink
PR people. I havent seen Trish or Eddie for hours. Hilary Grant has totally commandeered
the house.

You made the right decision, you know, says Guy.

I know. I brush a fleck of lint off my skirt.

You look sensational. Youre going to blow them away. He perches on a sofa arm opposite me
and sighs. Jesus, I missed you, Samantha. It hasnt been the same.

Does he have any sense of irony? Or did they fix that at Harvard too?

So now youre my best friend again. I cant help a slight edge. Funny, that.

Guy blinks at me. Whats that supposed to mean?

Come on, Guy. I almost want to laugh. You didnt want to know me when I was in trouble. Now
suddenly were chums again?

Thats unfair, retorts Guy hotly. I did everything I could for you, Samantha. I fought for
you in that meeting. It was Arnold who refused to have you back. At the time we had no
idea why

You wouldnt let me in your house, though, would you? Friendship wouldnt quite extend that
far.

Guy looks genuinely thrown. He pushes his hair back with both hands.

I felt terrible about that, he says. It wasnt me. It wasCharlotte . I was furious with her

Of course you were.

I was!

Yeah, right, I say sarcastically. So I suppose you had a huge row about it and broke up.

Yes, says Guy. The wind is totally taken out of my sails. Yes? Weve split up. He shrugs.
Didnt you know?

No! I had no idea! Im... sorry. I really didnt I break off in confusion. It wasnt... it
wasnt really over me?

Guy doesnt answer. His brown eyes are becoming more intense.

Samantha, he says, not moving his gaze from mine. Ive always felt... He thrusts his hands
in his pockets. Ive always felt we somehow... missed our chance.

No. This cant be happening.

We missed our chance?

Nowhe says this?

Ive always really admired you. I always felt there was a spark between us. He hesitates. I
wondered whether you felt... the same.

This is unreal. How many millions of times have I imagined Guy saying these words to me?
But now that hes actually doing it... its too late. Its all wrong.

Samantha?

Suddenly I realize Im staring at him like a zombie.

Oh. Right. I try to pull myself together. Well... yes. Maybe I used to feel like that too.
I fiddle with my skirt. But the thing is... Ive met someone. Since Ive been here.

The gardener, says Guy without missing a beat. Yes! I look up in surprise. How did you
Some of the journalists were talking about it outside. Oh. Well, its true. His names
Nathaniel. I feel myself blush. Guy frowns. But thats just a holiday romance.

Its not a holiday romance! I say, taken aback. Its a relationship. Were serious about each other.

Is he moving toLondon ? Well... no. He hatesLondon . Guy looks incredulous for a moment,
then throws back his head and roars with laughter. Samantha, you really are living in
fantasyland.

Whats that supposed to mean? I say, incensed. Well make it work somehow. If we both want
it enough

Im not sure youve quite got the situation yet. Guy shakes his head. Samantha, youre leaving this place. Youre coming back toLondon , back to reality, back to work. Believe me, youre
never going to keep up some holiday fling.

It was not a holiday fling! I yell furiously, as the door opens. Hilary looks from Guy to me with
alert, suspicious eyes.

Everything all right? Fine, I say, turning away from Guy. Im fine. Good! She taps her
watch. Because its nearly time!

The entire world seems to have descended on the Geigers house. As I venture out the front
door with Hilary and two PR managers, there are what looks like hundreds of people in the
drive. A row of TV cameras is trained on me, photographers and journalists are in a crowd
behind, and Carter Spink PR assistants are milling around, keeping everyone in line and
handing out coffee from a refreshments stand that seems to have sprung up from nowhere. At
the gate I can see a group of regulars from the pub peering in curiously, and I shoot them
a mortified grin.

Itll be a few more minutes, says Hilary, listening to her mobile. Were just waiting for the Daily Telegraph .

I can see David Elldridge and Greg Parker standing by the cappuccino machine, both typing
on their Blackberries. The PR department wanted as many partners as possible, but none of
the others could make it. Frankly, they were lucky to get this many. As Im watching, to my
disbelief I see Melissa approaching them, dressed up smartly in a beige suit and
holding... is that a CV?

Hi! I hear her begin. Im a very good friend of Samantha Sweeting, and she recommended I
apply to Carter Spink.

I cant help smiling. The girl has some nerve.

Samantha. I look up to see Nathaniel coming across the gravel, his blue eyes tense. How
are you doing?

Im... fine. I feel his hand clasping mine and intertwine my fingers between his as tightly
as I can. You know. Its all a bit crazy.

Guys wrong. Its going to work. Its going to last. Of course it is.

I can feel his thumb rubbing mine, just like he did that first evening we had together.
Like some private language; like his skin is talking to mine.

Are you going to introduce me, Samantha? Guy comes sauntering over.

This is Guy, I say reluctantly. I work with him at Carter Spink. GuyNathaniel.

Delighted to meet you! Guy holds out his hand and Nathaniel is forced to let go of mine to
shake it. Thanks for looking after our Samantha so well.

Does he have to sound so patronizing ? And whats this our Samantha?

It was my pleasure. Nathaniel glowers back.

So... you look after the garden. Guy looks around the drive. Very nice. Well done!

I can see Nathaniels fist forming at his side.

Please dont punch him, I pray urgently. Dont punch him

To my relief I notice Iris coming through the gate, peering around at all the journalists
with interest.

Look! I say quickly to Nathaniel. Your mum.

I greet Iris with a wave. Shes wearing cropped cotton trousers and espadrilles, her plaits
wound round her head. As she reaches me she just looks for a few moments: at my bun, my
black suit, my high-heeled shoes.

Goodness, she says at last.

I know. I laugh awkwardly. A bit different.

So, Samantha. Her eyes rest softly on mine. You found your way.

Yes. I take a deep breath. Yes, I did. This is the right way for me, Iris. Im a lawyer. I
always was. Its a great opportunity. Id be... Id be crazy not to take it up.

Iris nods, her expression guarded.

Nathaniel told me all about it. Im sure youve made the right decision. She pauses. Well...
good-bye, chicken. And good luck. Well miss you.

As I lean forward to hug her I suddenly feel tears pricking my eyes. Iris... I dont know

how to thank you, I whisper. For everything you did.

You did it all yourself. She squeezes me tight. Im very proud of you.

And its not really good-bye. I wipe my eyes with a tissue, praying my makeup hasnt run.
Ill be back before you know it. Im going to visit as many weekends as I can...

Here, let me. She takes my tissue from me and dabs my eyes.

Thanks. I smile but Im still shaky. This makeup has got to last all day.

Samantha? Hilary calls me from the refreshment stand, where shes talking to David
Elldridge and Greg Parker. Can you come over here?

Ill be right there! I call back.

Samantha, before you go... Iris takes hold of both my hands, her face filled with concern.
Sweetie... Im sure youre doing whats best for you. But just remember, you only get your
youth once. She looks at my hand, smooth against hers. You only get these precious years
once.

Ill remember. I bite my lip. I promise. Good. She pats my hand. Off you go.

As I walk over to the refreshment stand, Nathaniels hand is tightly in mine. Were going to
have to say good-bye in a couple of hours.

No. I cant think about that. Hilary is looking a little stressed as I approach. Got your
statement? she says. Feeling prepared? All set. I take out the folded sheet of paper.
Hilary, this is Nathaniel.

Hilarys eyes run over him without interest. Hello, she says. Now, Samantha, lets just run
over the order again. You read your statement, then questions, then photos. Well start in
about three minutes. The team are just distributing press packs Suddenly she peers more
closely at me. What happened to your makeup ?

Um... I was just saying good-bye to someone, I say apologetically. Its not too bad, is it?

Well have to redo it. Her voice is jerky with annoyance. This really is all I need. She strides away, calling to one of her assistants.

Three more minutes. Three minutes before my old life begins again.

So... Ill be back for Eamonns party, I say, still clutching Nathaniels hand. Its only a
few days away. Ill catch the train down on Friday night, spend the weekend