The Underground City (10 page)

Tallis
frowned at me, which, I guessed, meant no. “Ye moost be certain o’ yer aim, fer ’tis verra likely that if ye miss yer first strike, yer enemy will take advantage,” he continued.

“Which
means, your enemy will knock you the fuck out!” Bill added before he started punching the air like he was a boxer. “I’m gonna knock you out,” he sang, not sounding a bit like LL Cool J. “Bill said knock you out!”

“Thanks,
Bill,” I grumbled as I scanned the forest of dead trees on either side of us. I wanted to make sure that none of the enormous spiders that attacked us the last time were scheduling another visit.

“Seriously,
Lils, what is up with Tido and his Jesus shoes?” Bill asked as he indicated Tallis’s brown leather homemade sandals. I was spared the need to answer when Tallis interrupted.

“We
have arrived.” He stopped walking and ran his hands over his sword, which was still in its scabbard, looped around his chest. Then he patted his sporran with both hands before dropping his attention to my sword, which was also looped around my chest, in the scabbard Tallis lent me.

“Um,
where’s here?” Bill asked with a glance around himself, probably taking note that the forest was exactly the same on both sides as it was a few feet away. Nothing but the hollowed remains of what once appeared to be a thriving forest. As to how the Dark Wood became the Dark Wood, I wasn’t sure. But Dante also referred to it, so I imagined it always looked this way, even back in the fourteenth century.

“The
entry ta the short coot,” Tallis answered in an annoyed tone. Without another word, he turned around and walked a few paces forward, his strides long and purposeful, as if he were counting his steps. Dropping down on his haunches, he dug up two palms full of dirt, rising as the soft earth sifted through his fingers. Then he reached beneath his kilt, unintentionally giving me a glimpse of his muscular upper thigh, as he retrieved a blade. He dropped down to his knees and held his right arm out. With no hesitation, he sliced his forearm and blood gushed out, dripping from his arm and sinking into the ground below.

Bill
frowned at the sight warily. “Conan should prolly look into gettin’ some counselin’,” he remarked as he pointed to Tallis. Meantime, Tallis was too busy with his ministrations to notice we were talking about him, or maybe he just didn’t care. “Methinks he might be a cutter.”

I
didn’t respond as I watched Tallis lean forward and push a huge mound of earth into the same spot where his blood had just fallen. As soon as he did, the earth suddenly started falling into some sort of vortex, as if there were a hole right beneath it.

“Lass,”
Tallis barked as I stepped forward. He gripped my arm and pulled me next to him. I noticed there was a passageway beneath the dirt. It looked like a huge pipe and was maybe four feet tall by three feet wide. The metal gleamed in what little light the moon provided. Tallis faced Bill. “Angel, ye will go first.”

“Like
shit I’ll go first,” Bill snapped back, his hands on his hips. He took a quick look down the tunnel before glaring at Tallis again. “I’m not into gettin’ inta no tight places unless a woman’s involved, namsay?”

“Bill!”
I started.

“Hush,
nips,” he interrupted, while glaring at Tallis. “An’ I’m also claustrophobic.”

“Ye
will havta declaustrophobe yerself ’cause we are goin’ in,” Tallis answered, his lips tight. “An’ ta do so, ye will havta go oan yer belly.”

“What?”
Bill erupted, shaking his head and throwing his hands in the air as he glanced over at me. “Shrek has lost his mother-freakin’ mind, yo! There is no flippin’ way I’m gettin’ into that shit tunnel and crawlin’ through with rats an’ whatever the hell else in my face.” He shook his head again, this time more decidedly. “Homey definitely don’t play that.”

“Bill,
you can’t be killed,” I reminded him, my lips pursing as my temper started to flare. I was already beyond stressed out and Bill’s cowardice was the furthest thing from my mind. “So man up and deal with it because there’s no alternative.”

He
opened his mouth like he was about to say something else, but wisely clapped his lips together and glanced down the tunnel again before looking back up at Tallis. “How long are we gonna hafta crawl through that?”

Tallis
shrugged, wearing the same grin he had been throughout the entirety of Bill’s fit. Tallis seemed to enjoy seeing the angel in uncomfortable situations. Usually, the two of them could tolerate one another, but there were moments when their irritation with the other manifested. “Long enooff.”

“Go!”
I ordered Bill as I pointed to the tunnel. He muttered something unintelligible before getting down on his hands and knees and crawling into the tunnel. “Smells like shit!” he complained, his voice echoing.

Tallis
chuckled and looked at me. “Ye will go next, lass, an’ Ah will be jist behind ye. That way, ye are protected on either end.”

I
just nodded and took a deep breath, looking down at the pipe and hoping I wasn’t claustrophobic. I got onto my hands and knees and started forward, preferring the soft dirt to the hard cold metal of the tunnel. As soon as I stuck my head inside the tunnel, the smell of rotten feces nearly gagged me. My eyes watered as I plugged my nose and suddenly felt nauseous.

“Breathe
through yer mouth, lass,” Tallis ordered. I nodded and opened my mouth, inching farther inside the pipe. As soon as my eyes adjusted to the pitch darkness, a bright light momentarily blinded me. “What is that?” I yelled out, putting my hand up to shield my eyes.

“That’s
my halo,” Bill answered from where he was crawling ahead of me. He was maybe a mere two feet in front. “I just turned the shit up so I can see where the frick I’m goin’.”

Removing
my hand from my eyes, I allowed them to adjust to Bill’s brightly lit halo, which became a white glow that encapsulated his entire body. I continued forward, now able to see Tallis’s hands just behind my legs. He was already in the tunnel, which basically meant his face was at the same level as my butt. Somehow, that information created a flurry of anxious bubbles in my stomach and I shook my head, hoping the bizarre feelings would go away.

“Good
thinking on the halo light, Bill,” I said, directing my attention to anything besides being on all fours with Tallis only a few inches behind me.

“You’re
tellin’ me, hot cheeks,” Bill responded. He seemed to be taking his sweet time as he baby crawled through the pipe, moving forward, inch by inch. “You should be damn happy you’ve got me with you, that’s all I’m sayin’.”

“I
am happy you’re with me, but you really need to crawl faster, Bill, otherwise we’ll never get through this thing,” I replied. I felt cold wetness under my hands and knees and realized we were now crawling through water. Flashing on what the water might possibly contain, I decided I didn’t want to know. Instead, I kept reminding myself to breathe through my mouth while hoping whatever organisms survived in this tunnel weren’t airborne.

“Easy
for you to say!” Bill called back. “You’re not up front, blazin’ the goddamned fart-reduction trail!”

“What
is a fart-reduction trail?” I asked, not because I really wanted to know, but I figured it would help me get through the foul tunnel more easily if I focused on Bill’s inane language. I was still having a hard time trying not to smell the noxious sewage fumes in the tunnel.

“It’s
what happens in the process of repeatedly farting in a super confined space, which then infuses the space with the pure essence of fart,” Bill answered.

“But
this isn’t farts,” I argued.

“Thanks
for pointin’ that out, Sweetcheeks,” Bill grumbled. “Whatever it is, it’s cold and wet and freakin’ rank.” Then he screamed in such a high pitch, I briefly thought a little girl had just joined our crew.

“What?”
I demanded, right as my head rammed into Bill’s ass.

“There’s
bones in here, yo!” Bill yelled as he suddenly sped up, maybe because I’d just prodded him in the butt with my head. Anyway, he passed over the “bone” and I was right behind him. The “bone” wasn’t a bone at all, and looked more like the head of a fish, with rows of incredibly sharp teeth. Its jaw was a yellowish color.

“What
is that?” I asked Tallis, as I glanced back and saw he was now basically right on top of me. I could actually feel the heat of his breath through my yoga pants. And, yes, it did strike me as incredibly odd that I was traipsing through shitty water, my face basically in Bill’s butt, while trying to avoid dead piranha heads and, yet, I had to remind myself not to get turned on! There was something seriously wrong with me…

“’Tis
a Flain demon’s skull,” Tallis replied indifferently. “Keep a move oan!” he yelled out, presumably addressing Bill. His voice was extra loud as it bounced off the tunnel walls. “We still have a long ways ta goo, jist ta reach the aqueduct.”

“You
mean this ain’t the aqueduct?” Bill asked, his voice breaking.

“Nae,”
Tallis responded. “The aqueduct isnae fer another quarter mile.”

“Fuck!”
Bill squealed. “We gotta ’nother quarter mile in this shit water?” Then he shook his head. “What lives in here anyway?”

“Naethin’
in here is alive, save oos,” Tallis responded.

“But
who the hell knows how long that’s gonna last?” Bill grumbled.

I
took small comfort in the news that whatever was inside this sewer tunnel wasn’t alive. I was also somewhat pleased to find that the water we were crawling through wasn’t getting any deeper.
The little things are infinitely the most important,
I reminded myself, quoting Arthur Conan Doyle. Then it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn’t been quoting the advice of my self-help books lately. Usually, I lived my life by clinging to the wisdom and knowledge of people who had training in helping other people find their life’s path. For the last few days, I hadn’t really been bothered with inspirational quotes, which was beyond bizarre since my mind was usually cluttered with them.

“Are
we there yet?” Bill’s voice interrupted my brief epiphany. “How much longer, yoze? My freakin’ knees hurt like bitches, Conan!”

“We
are almost there,” Tallis answered, without irritation or anything else really. Tallis was a master in the art of speaking without any inflection.

“Dude,
you shoulda told us ta bring knee pads!” Bill persisted. Then he was struck silent and I looked beyond him and noticed our tunnel had simply ended. “Um,” Bill started.

“We
have reached the aqueduct,” Tallis announced.

SIX

“How
in the hells are we ’sposed ta get down, Bruno?” Bill demanded from Tallis as he faced me with his hands in the air like the question he just asked was a clue in Charades.

Pushing
past him, I glanced over the edge of the pipe, and noticed that not only did our tunnel end, but there was also a pretty precarious drop that appeared to plummet us right into what looked like a vast pool of sewage. The cesspool was the size of an Olympic pool and lay smack dab in the middle of a dome-shaped cavern. The walls of the cavern were completely constructed from red bricks, which were crumbling and faded with age. The only way I could make out any of the scenery was from the ten or so oil-burning sconces that hung on the circular walls. Atop each of the sconces was a two-foot flame, lending a jaundiced appearance to the cavern. From the center of the pool of sewage were four brick tunnels that led in different directions. At the base of each tunnel was a platform, probably used for docking boats at some point. Each one had that kind of look.

“We
joomp,” Tallis answered. Apparently, sewage didn’t bother him more than any other horrible thing did. Well, good for him! As for me, I could honestly say that I was far beyond grossed out at the prospect of submerging myself in poo water. I was also scared to death, and I think I
had
managed to make myself claustrophobic somewhere along the way.

“You
want us to jump into that pool of sewage?” I asked, my voice riddled with doubt.

“The
pool is naethin’ more than shit an’ piss,” Tallis responded.

“Okay
… so let me repeat myself,” I continued, shaking my head as I wondered if these trips to the Underground would ever become any easier. “You want us to jump directly into that cesspool?”

“Did
ye see a better way down, Besom?” Tallis asked, his eyebrows meeting in the middle of his forehead as he waited for my response. Looking back over the precipice, I realized that unless a twenty-foot ladder magically appeared, Tallis was absolutely right; there was no other way. If we wanted to continue forward, we had no choice but to jump.

“Is
it deep?” I asked with a sigh. The realization that I was about to be submerged in feces, urine, and God only knew what else could not have been more depressing. Any way I looked at it, I knew today would not be one of my best.

“Aye,
verra deep,” Tallis answered. “Ah have traversed these toonnels many times,” he added, as if to say I should just trust him at his word and be done with it.

“This
is screwed, yoze,” Bill said, shaking his head and glaring at me. “Why the hell didn’t you just take the offer ta go to Shade? At least you wouldn’t hafta crawl around in demon shit an’ now be swimmin’ in it!”

“Because
Shade meant one hundred years of nothingness!” I yelled back at him. “At least this way, I still have my own life to lead and things I can look forward to!” He continued to frown as I shook my head. “Bill, why don’t you just materialize yourself down there? Then you wouldn’t have to jump at all!” I asked, with my jaw tight because I wasn’t in any mood to argue with him. “Then one of us won’t have to swim through it.” Bill had already demonstrated how he could materialize from one place to another when we were en route to the Underground City the first time around.

He
shook his head. “I’m not sure I can do it if we’re actually in the Underground. I think this place kinda sucks my powers up.” Then he turned to address Tallis. “Hey, Yeti, are we in Underground proper?” Tallis frowned at his nickname but simply nodded. Bill looked at me and shrugged. “Yeah, prolly ain’t gonna work.”

“Well,
it’s worth a try, right?” I pressed.

Bill
sighed with a quick glance over the cliff again. “Yeah, I guess so.” Then he looked back at Tallis. “Which tunnel we takin’?”

“The
one ta the right,” Tallis answered, without even a fleeting glimpse over the edge of our pipe. Apparently, he did know these sewer tunnels pretty well.

Bill
nodded as he then leaned over the edge of our tube and eyed the tunnel in question, probably in order to judge how far away it was. He pulled himself back into our tunnel again and closed his eyes. A second or so later, he squeezed them even tighter. Then he pursed his lips together and looked like he was suffering from constipation. When he reopened them, he said, “So the hell much for that.”

I
sighed with a smile of consolation. “Guess we’re all going swimming then.”

“Ye
will joomp an’ then swim ta the corridor off ta the right,” Tallis instructed Bill, clearly anxious to get a move on. “Ye
can
swim?”

Bill
rolled his eyes. “Dafuq, dude? ’Course I can swim.” Bill looked over the edge of the pipe again before answering Tallis. “You swear on that dead dude who’s possessin’ you that I’m not gonna get attacked by some enormous, freakin’ shit alligator? Or some monster that’s made outta demon turds?”

“Ah
swear,” Tallis replied calmly.

“You
can’t be killed, Bill,” I reminded him.

“Yeah,
but that ain’t to say that it wouldn’t seriously suck to be some demon’s chew toy!” Bill replied with another whine. “It’s been real, Lils,” he said as he scooched himself to the end of the pipe and closed his eyes while pinching his nose. He sort of plopped/rolled off the ledge of the tunnel, cannon-balling into the sewage below.

“Bill!”
I called out once his body was entirely submerged. “Bill, are you okay?”

When
he surfaced a second or so later, he looked like he was treading water as he cleared the muck from his eyes. He started spitting, and shaking his head as more and more droplets of sewage water dripped off his hair and slid down his face. “Dude! I think I just drank some!” he yelled as he continued to cough and spit. “I think I just freakin’ swallowed a gulp of demon shit an’ piss!”

Looking
back at Tallis, I half-smiled. “Looks like he’s okay.”

Tallis
smiled in return and leaned over the edge of the pipe, calling out, “Swim ta yer right!” Then, facing me again, he muttered: “Bludy stookie angel,” while shaking his head. A few moments later, he nodded at me. “’Tis yer turn, lass.” I nodded and crawled to the edge of the pipe as I took a deep breath. At the feel of Tallis’s hand on mine, I looked back at him. “Doona be afeared, Besom,” he said in a hushed tone. “Ah will make it mah mission ta keep ye safe.”

“Thank
you, Tallis,” I whispered, genuinely taking comfort in his words, although at the same time, they surprised me. In general, Tallis wasn’t exactly demonstrative about caring, or showing compassion of any sort, so moments like these really threw me for a loop.

I
didn’t say anything more as I sat back on my butt and let my legs dangle off the edge of the pipe. I had to readjust my sword in its scabbard which was strapped across my chest, so the tip wouldn’t scratch the pipe. Then I took another deep breath, reminding myself not to open my mouth, and pushed off the ledge. I was airborne for a few seconds, my mouth clamped shut tightly before the icy water engulfed me. I pawed through the water, kicking my legs at the same time to force myself upward. When my head cleared the water’s surface, I wiped the disgusting sediment from my eyes and spat out several times to ensure that nothing seeped into my mouth. Then I started swimming for the tunnel on the right, where Bill was standing and leaning down with his hand extended to me. The tunnel was a bit higher than the cesspool, by about three feet, so thankfully, there wasn’t any sewer water in it at all.

“Give
me your hand, Babydoll,” Bill said as soon as I got close enough. I nodded as I reached for him, using the edge of the brick platform beside the tunnel to heave myself out of the water. As soon as I stood up, I looked back to find Tallis already swimming our way. As for the aqueduct: from my new vantage point, I could see it in its entirety. The cavern was completely comprised of bricks and the ceiling was maybe forty feet high. The walls became concave as they rose up to meet the ceiling. The pipe we’d just traveled through was located about halfway up the side of one of the brick walls.

“Do
you need help?” I asked Tallis once he reached us.

“Nae,”
he answered, gripping the sides of the brick platform and hoisting himself up. He shook himself off before checking his sword, which didn’t look any the worse for wear. It reflected the yellow light provided by the wall sconces that illuminated the entire cavern. That was when something occurred to me.

“Tallis,”
I began as he cleared the brown water from his eyes and shook his hair out, wiping the hideous sewer water from his face. I wasn’t sure why, but suddenly the scar that ran down one side of his face seemed more pronounced somehow. It almost appeared to be glowing. Maybe it was just a trick of the light.

“Aye?”

“If we are actually in the Underground now, why am I not having the same reaction that I did when we traveled to the Underground previously?” The first time I set foot in the Underground, I basically started dying.

“Ye
still carry mah blood in yer veins,” Tallis answered nonchalantly, walking past Bill and me and starting for the entryway to the brick tunnel. Luckily, this tunnel was a good ten feet high so we wouldn’t have to crawl again.

“Oh,”
I answered, as I wondered how long Tallis’s blood could survive in my body. Tallis didn’t seem to be in a very conversational mood, though, so I figured I’d file the question away for later. For now, we just had to get through the sewer tunnels.

“Shit!”
Bill yelled out as he palmed his shorts and reached inside his pocket, pulling out his phone which was dripping with sewer water. “My phone is soaking wet!” he said as I felt my heart skip a beat. Without Bill’s phone, we didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of locating the misplaced soul. That meant our entire trip down here would be for nothing. And who knew if we could even manage to make it back out of here alive? Well, who knew if
I’d
make it out of here alive, anyway?

“’Twill
work,” Tallis said, showing little interest in the phone or Bill’s complaint.

“Um,
not sure how well you did in science class, slick, but submergin’ electronics in shit water ain’t good for ’em.” Then he glanced over at me and frowned. “I bet the frickin’ thing’s broke.”

“It
isna broken,” Tallis responded calmly before he stopped walking and turned to face us. “The Oonderground has a verra strong electric force field surroundin’ it, which enables anythin’ electrical.”

“That’s
great an’ all, Einstein, but when you put a phone in water, the thing shorts out,” Bill insisted.

Tallis
frowned at Bill who was already scowling back at him. “If ye doona believe me, look at yer phone.”

Skeptically,
Bill flipped open the top of his phone, pressed a few buttons, and a huge smile lit up his face. “Shit, Tido’s right!” he announced, looking at me. “Frickin’ thing ain’t broke.” He studied the phone for a little while longer before nodding. “An’ looks like our soul in question ain’t too far away.” Then he addressed Tallis. “Thanks for the science lesson, yoze. Shit, maybe you will turn out to be my mantor after all.”

“Yer
what?” Tallis asked even as he faced forward again and started walking, with Bill and me right behind him.

“Like
mentor, only mantor,” Bill started, but Tallis shook his head as if to say he still didn’t get it. Bill sighed. “Like the man I aspire ta be. Like the ideal dude, ya know?”

“Aye,”
Tallis responded but then shook his head again. “I doona wanna be yer mantor.”

“Yeah,”
Bill answered. “Now that the moment’s passed, I’m startin’ ta think of you as the Yeti again,” he finished while looking over at me with a shrug. “It was good while it lasted, nips.”

“What
does Dante say about this level?” I interrupted, my mind wholly obsessed with what awaited us in the sewer system. Although Tallis and Bill could discuss such trivial things like whether or not to be a mantor, I couldn’t. As the only one of us who risked being killed, I guessed it only made sense that I would take our mission the most seriously.