The Undead Day Nineteen (29 page)

‘I gave her a biscuit last night,’ Clarence says in explanation as the horse shows she’s pissed off at the lack of biscuits in his hand by snorting in his face and moving off.

‘Roy, Charlie will use your sword,’ Dave says.

‘Pardon?’ Roy says, his head tilting back as though he didn’t hear properly.

‘I said Charlie will use your sword.’

‘Does Charlie know how to use a sword?’ Roy asks, his tone clearly irritated.

‘Charlie?’ I call out before Dave can upset him even more.

‘You stab with it don’t you?’ Blowers asks.

‘There is more to it than that,’ Roy says tightly.

‘What like?’ Blowers asks.

‘Yes thank you,’ I say firmly, ‘Charlie, you need a hand weapon. How did you find the axe yesterday?’

‘It was fine, Mr Howie but I think I will be unable to carry both the rifle and an axe.’

‘Sling the rifle and carry the axe,’ I say, ‘Cookey, Blowers…give her one of your axes for now. Roy, can you show Charlie how to use the sword later.’

‘What to stab people with it?’ Blowers mutters.

‘Mate, that’s enough.’

‘Yes, Mr Howie,’ he says smartly.

‘Have mine,’ Cookey is there in a flash, holding his up for Charlie to take.

‘Thank you but what will you use?’

‘I’ll use Blowers’s axe.’

‘Blowers? What will he use?’

‘He’ll be busy bumming someone…’

‘Alex!’

‘Sorry, Paula.’

‘I bloody told you to stop those jokes. We’ve got a bus full of people right there.’

‘I have caused an awful fuss,’ Charlie says with a wince, ‘I am sorry.’

‘It’s an awful fuss,’ Cookey says sagely, ‘a terribly awful fuss.’

‘You sound like Reggie,’ Nick says with a grin.

‘Gosh? Do I really?’

‘Ha! That’s Reggie,’ Nick laughs.

‘Indeed,’ Cookey says, trying to push a pair of glasses up his nose then adjusting an invisible tie knot, ‘I do like to ponder maps and such like.’

Clarence snorts and turns away and Paula has to clench her jaw to hide the smile twitching at her lips.

‘Enough,’ I say, smiling at the grinning lad happy as anything with an audience, ‘Cookey, do you want to take over from Marcy?’

‘Fuck yeah,’ he blurts, ‘shit…seriously?’

‘Yeah go on but don’t fuck about.’

‘I always fuck about, Mr Howie,’ he says earnestly.

‘You can’t knock honesty,’ Clarence says.

‘Okay but rein it in, we’re moving fast so…’

‘I know someone who can rein me in,’ he says with a slow turn of his head up to Charlie, ‘you got reins eh?’

‘Fuck’s sake!’ Paula tries to shout over her own laugh, ‘we’re moving…Charlie, you go ahead, love. Keep an eye out but don’t get in a fight on your own.’

‘Come back and rein me in, Charlie,’ Cookey says, beaming as she trots off laughing, ‘ah I do make myself laugh I do…hey, has everyone seen my new sock dance?’

‘Cookey!’

‘Sorry, Paula…’ He says, immediately dropping his head to look sad, ‘just wanted to show you my new sock dance that’s all.’

She walks off to hide the laugh and waves a hand at me, ‘you tell him off.’

‘Aw but mum,’ Cookey huffs, ‘don’t tell Dad…’

I wait. Jenny waits. Phillip and Paul wait. Noise from inside. I can smell them. I can smell their faeces and body odour. Movement at the window. Jenny lifts her hand. Phillip lifts his hand. Paul lifts his hand. Paul does not have a penis. Phillip bit Paul’s penis off.

‘It’s Jenny, Phil and Paul…yes, they’re outside…hang on.’

The woman who speaks from inside is called Penelope. Jenny, Phillip and Paul know Penelope. Penelope lives with Toby. Toby wants to have sexual intercourse with Jenny. Jenny has a memory of Toby saying he wants to have sexual intercourse with her. Toby said he knows where to find cannabis and will show Jenny if she has sexual intercourse with him. Jenny did not want this to happen and told Toby she did not want this to happen. Toby said he wants to have sexual intercourse with Jenny’s mouth. Jenny said no but I have the memory that Jenny was considering this as she knows Phillip likes to smoke cannabis and Phillip may have sexual intercourse with her if she brings him cannabis.

‘Alright, Jen?’

It is Toby. He opens the door and speaks before he looks.

‘Oh FUCK!’

Jenny, Phillip and Paul push the door. They have a greater combined body weight than Toby. Toby runs. Jenny, Phillip and Paul run too. Toby is slow. Jenny bites his shoulder. Toby turns round to punch Jenny. Toby is screaming. Paul bites Toby on the arm. Phillip bites Toby’s penis off.

I have a host body. Toby screams. He feels pain in his stomach. I replicate. Penelope runs out of the back door into the garden. Toby falls down. Jenny, Phillip and Paul run after Penelope. Toby dies. I live. Toby lives. I have the host body.

The garden is enclosed. There is a gate. The gate is locked. They key for the lock is in Toby’s pocket. Penelope screams. She has a garden hoe. She hits Jenny on the head. Paul bites her arm. I enter through the bloodstream from saliva given into the wound. I have a host body. Penelope hits Jenny on the head. Phillip bites Penelope’s ear off. Penelope hits Jenny on the head. Phillip bites Penelope’s nose off. Penelope hits Jenny. Phillip bites Penelope on her kneecap. Penelope falls down and hits Jenny again. I replicate. She feels pain in her stomach. Jenny stops getting hit. Phillip tries to bite Penelope on her vagina. Penelope dies. I live. Penelope lives. I have the host body.

I wait. Toby waits. Jenny, Phillip, Paul and Penelope all wait. Penelope does not have a nose and one ear is bitten off and one kneecap is bitten off. Paul and Toby do not have penises. Jenny has many cuts to her head.

‘Who is it?’

The man who speaks inside is called Terrence. He does not like to be called Terry. Jenny, Paul, Phillip, Penelope and Toby all have memories of Terence being grumpy.

‘I said who is it?’

I must answer. I must vocalise.

‘It is Toby.’

‘What do you want? Sod off.’

‘I am Toby.’

‘You deaf? Sod off.’

‘It is Penelope.’

‘So what? Both of you sod off.’

The door is wood. It is thin. The host bodies have a greater combined body weight and this I use to break through the door.

‘I SAID SOD OFF.’

Terrence is shouting. He is wearing a dressing gown and has white hair. He is holding a knife. He stabs Toby.

‘NOW SOD OFF…’

Toby bites Terrence on the hand. Terrence shouts. Paul bites Terrence on the arm.

‘SOD OFF BITING ME YOU BLOODY SODS…’

I have a host body. I enter through the wounds from saliva into the bloodstream. I replicate. Toby stops biting. Paul stops biting. Phillip does not stop biting. Jenny did not bite. Penelope did not bite. Phillip bites Terrence’s finger off.

‘Give me my finger back you sod.’

Terrence tries to open Phillip’s mouth to get his finger. Phillip swallows the finger. Terrence pokes Phillip in the eye with his thumb. Phillip bites Terrence’s thumb off. Terrence feels pain. He falls to the floor. His dressing gown is open. Phillip bites Terrence’s penis off. Terrence dies. I live. Terrence lives. Phillip spits the penis out. I have the host body.

Terrence waits. I wait. Penelope, Toby, Jenny, Paul and Phillip wait. We are closer to the greater population density section of this area now.

‘Who is it?’

The door does not open. The man speaking is called Lee. I have memories of Lee.

‘It is Terence. I am Terence.’

‘Terence? It don’t sound like you…’

‘Sod. I am Terence. Sod.’

‘You crazy old bastard, what do you want?’

The door is upvc double glazed. It has a three bar locking mechanism but it is strong. The window is single glazed. The curtains on the inside are closed. Phillip goes through the window. The glass breaks. The curtains fall. The light comes into the room. There is screaming.

‘EVERYONE OUT.’

Lee shouts. He runs at Phillip. Phillip bites Lee on his face. I have a host body.

‘RUN…RUN…GET OUT…’

Lee shouts. Phillip bites him on the mouth. Lee does not shout. I replicate. He feels pain. I silence him. Phillip bites his right ear off. Lee falls down.

‘DAD? DAD!’

The son is called Jack. He is upstairs. Phillip goes upstairs. Phillip spits Lee’s penis out. Jack runs into a bedroom. There is screaming inside the bedroom.

Lee dies. I live. Lee Lives. I have the host body. Lee gets up and unlocks the door. Terrence, Penelope, Toby, Jenny and Paul come into the house and go up the stairs.

Inside the room is Jack. Jack is Lee’s son. Jack is eighteen. Lee thinks Jack wants to have sexual intercourse with everything. Lee catches Jack gratifying himself. Lee pretends he doesn’t see Jack gratifying himself. Inside the room is Fiona. This is Lee’s wife. Inside the room is Emma. Emma is a friend of Fiona who now lives with Lee, Jack and Fiona. They scream inside the room. I can smell the fear.

The door is thin wood. I go through the door. Lee bites Jack on his hand. I have a host body. Fiona hits Jenny on the head with a baseball bat. Toby bites Fiona on her neck. Fiona drops the bat. Emma has the bat. Emma hits Jenny on the head with the bat. Phillip bites Jack’s penis off. Fiona feels pain in her stomach. She punches Jenny in the face. Paul bites Fiona on her arm. Jack feels pain in his stomach. Emma hits Jenny on the head with the bat. Lee bites Emma on her leg. Emma screams and hits Jenny with the bat. Toby bites Emma on her other leg. I replicate in Fiona and Jack. They fall to the floor with pain. Emma hits Jenny on the head. Phillip bites Emma’s hand. Phillip bites Emma’s arm, shoulder, neck and bites her ear off. I have a host body. Jack dies. I live. Fiona dies. I live. Jack lives. Fiona lives. I have the host bodies. Emma falls down. Phillip bites her stomach. Emma feels pain in her stomach. Phillip keeps biting her stomach. I replicate. Phillip bites deeper into Emma’s stomach. Emma is silent. Phillip bites Emma’s intestines out from her stomach. Emma dies. Phillip bites Emma’s liver from her body. Emma is dead. Phillip bites Emma’s kidneys from her body. I cannot make Emma live now. I have Lee, Jack and Fiona but Jack, Terence, Lee, Toby and Paul do not have penises. Jenny does not have a jaw. Terence does not have a finger or thumb. Penelope does not have an ear or a nose.

Fiona waits. I wait. Jenny, Paul, Toby, Penelope, Terence, Lee and Jack wait. Phillip waits at the back.

In this house is Stuart. This is not Stuart’s house. Stuart was poor and lived in a flat. Stuart took this house when I gained freedom from the laboratory. Stuart took a Porsche and a Range Rover and brought them to this house. Everyone has memories of Stuart being an idiot.

Fiona waits. I wait. Jenny, Paul, Toby, Penelope, Terence, Lee, Jack and Stuart wait. Stuart does not have a penis. Both of his ears have been bitten off. Both of his thumbs have been bitten off. Phillip waits on the street.

Twenty One

‘DO NOT DRINK THE WATER. THE WATER IS INFECTED. DO NOT DRINK THE WATER. WE ARE NOT HERE TO HARM YOU. WE CAN TAKE YOU TO A SAFE PLACE. DO NOT DRINK THE WATER.

‘Hang on, Cookey.’

His voice stops immediately as I stare at the open door and what looks like fresh blood stains inside the hallway.
‘Fresh blood in the house. Eyes up.’

The tension ripples out. Rifles lifted ready to aim and I see Charlie stop the horse a few metres up the road watching ahead.

‘Dave, with me, Clarence on the door as we go in…Roy, hang back ready,
Charlie, we’re checking inside this house, stand by.’

‘Standing by.’

I go forward with Dave and Clarence. My rifle aiming into the hallway to see thick drips of blood trailing back across the black and white tiled floor and up the beige carpeted stairs. It’s fresh too. Still glistening and wet. Meredith rushes past me, her nose to the ground and her hackles raised.

‘Ready?’ I ask.

‘Go,’ Clarence says.

I rush forward with Dave and hold in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs as Dave goes off to check the ground floor rooms.

‘Clear,’ he comes back in less than a minute.

‘We’ll go up,’ I say and start ascending. Clarence moves into the hallway to keep line of sight on us and Roy outside. The stairs loop round to the left and I hold the rifle aimed high as I turn on the next flight and reach the top landing. The blood trail is thicker here and when I look back down the stairs I can see it is less all the way down. ‘Infected,’ I mutter to Dave.

He goes forward. Room to room with his pistol held ready. ‘Clear,’ he appears from the end room, ‘in here, Mr Howie.’

I move towards him as he steps back into the bathroom. The blood is everywhere. Sprayed on the walls, over the bath, the shower, the toilet and there’s a bloodied cricket bat dumped to one side too.

‘Shit,’ I say quietly but it’s obvious someone was in here drinking water. I take a step further into the room and feel my right boot tread on something soft that squelches and pops out to scoot across the floor. Meredith is there in an instant, grabbing whatever it was and running for the door. ‘What was that?’

‘I don’t know,’ Dave replies, ‘this blood is fresh.’

I look down at the puddles then at the glistening drops on the walls, the side of the bath and the shower glass, ‘you think?’

‘Yes.’

‘What makes you say that?’

‘It’s wet.’

Clarence shouts up the stairs, ‘you got anything?’

‘Yeah in the bathroom,’ I shout back.

He trudges up with his heavy feet thudding on the stairs and the landing creaking as he walks down to loom in the doorway with an appraising look, ‘still wet,’ he says, ‘fresh then.’

‘I said that,’ Dave says.

‘So did I,’ Clarence says.

‘Great minds think alike,’ I say before they start squabbling.

‘Good cricket bat,’ he says, looking down at the blood stained bat on the floor, ‘got teeth next to it too.’

‘You like cricket?’ I ask him, mildly surprised.

‘Love cricket’ he says with a big grin, ‘don’t you?’

‘Er,’ I say, blowing air out, ‘never really understood it to be honest.’

‘What? Hitting a ball with a bat?’

‘No all the terminology, like overs and…googly and all that stuff and the way they score it like England were twenty four for seven or whatever they say.’

‘Ah,’ he says with a deep nod and presses the button under his shirt,
‘Roy, we have a non-believer here.’

‘Who?’

‘The Boss.’

‘Ale or cricket?’

‘Cricket.’

‘Ah,’
Roy says deeply through the radio,
‘this is very serious.’

‘Very serious,’ Clarence says to me, ‘well, looks like they’re close then,’ he adds with a final look round.

‘Yep, bloody mess if you ask me.’

‘Very droll.’

We trudge down the stairs adding more bloodstained footprints to the ones already there and in that second I ponder the future and wonder if our bloody footprints will remain there for tens of years or maybe even longer. Days and nights that will pass as the seasons change and the years roll by outside of this house that will probably never be lived in again. The bricks will slowly crumble. The roof will fall in. The ivy and plants will go through the joists and break through the mortar in the brickwork and one day a cyborg mutant alien will stroll by and cast a casual look at the ruins and wonder who lived here.

‘What’s the dog got?’ Paula asks, bringing me out of my weighty thoughts as Meredith trots purposefully past her with her mouth clamped suspiciously closed.

‘Dunno, she got something from the bathroom,’ I say as I stroll back to the vehicles.

‘What was in the bathroom?’ She asks.

‘Lots of blood,’ I say, ‘and a cricket bat and some teeth.’

‘Urgh really?’ She asks with a wince, ‘old or new?’

‘New, the blood is still wet.’

‘What’s Meredith got in her mouth?’ Blowers asks.

‘I don’t know, mate, she took it from the bathroom.’

‘You said the bathroom was covered in blood,’ Marcy says.

‘It is.’

‘So what did she take then?’ Paula asks me.

‘I don’t know,’ I say with a huff, ‘she picked it up and ran out.’

‘Howie, that’s disgusting,’ Marcy says with a tut, ‘she could have anything.’

‘Disgusting? She was ripping arms from people a couple of days ago.’

‘Blowers,’ Marcy calls, ‘get her to drop it.’

Blowers clicks his tongue for Meredith who turns to look at him then pulls her head back as he walks towards her, ‘come on…what you got?’ She twists away, not walking off but just turning her head left and right with her mouth still closed. ‘Meredith,’ he says in a low gentle telling off voice, ‘come on, drop…drop…’ She starts to grumble in protest with her tail wagging low and still twisting her head side to side. ‘Nick, give us a hand, mate.’

He runs over to gently hold her neck and bends down to look at her mouth, ‘drop… come on sweetie, drop it now...Meredith…’

‘She’s not giving it up is she,’ Marcy says walking towards them, ‘let me have a go.’ She gets closer and squats down in front of the dog who is looking distinctly unimpressed with the amount of attention at the contents of her mouth. ‘Let me see, it might be bad for you, come on open up,’ she gets a hand on Meredith’s nose and another on her lower jaw and starts easing them apart. Meredith swishes left and right and grumbles but she doesn’t growl and after a few seconds of minor resistance she finally gives in and opens her mouth.

‘Got it,’ Marcy says with a grimace at the soft thing covered in dog goo and blood in her hand, ‘here,’ she passes it back to Blowers and fusses Meredith’s head who tracks the transfer of the object with keen eyes.

‘What is it?’ Paula asks.

‘Dunno,’ Blowers says, holding it up. Several inches long and quite thick but covered in blood, ‘it’s floppy,’ he says holding it at one end and wiggling it side to side.

‘A thumb?’ Nick asks, peering closer.

‘Don’t think so,’ Blowers says peering hard, ‘it’s familiar but…’

‘Is it human?’ Cookey asks, leaning from the door of the Saxon.

‘Sausage?’ Roy asks.

‘Everything okay?’ Charlie asks, trotting closer with the horse, ‘I saw you coming out. What’s that?’

‘Dunno,’ Blowers says holding it up to waggle about, ‘Meredith had it in her mouth.’

Charlie squints and cocks her head over to one side before shooting a glance at Cookey and going bright red, ‘oh…’

‘What?’ Blowers asks, clocking the look to Cookey then staring at the thing in his grip.

‘I er,’ she coughs nervously, ‘I believe it hangs the other way.’

‘Eh?’ Blowers says, ‘hangs the other way?’

‘Er…sort of…well…I believe they er…well they rather dangle.’

‘Dangle?’ Blowers says.

‘Turn your hand over,’ Nick says, leaning closer.

Blowers turns his hand over. The thing dangles and the connection is made by everyone else at the same time as the blood drains from Blowers face, ‘it’s a dick,’ he shouts with a yelp and flings it at Nick who screams and shies away.

‘Don’t fucking throw it at me,’ Nick says, jumping back as it lands with a wet thud on the floor.

‘Argh, it was in my hand,’ Blowers yacks, shaking his hand violently, ‘I touched a dick…’

‘Oh you are joking,’ Cookey rushes forward to stare down at the bloodied member, ‘no way…no actual way…’

‘I’m gonna puke,’ Blowers gasps holding his hand away from his body.

‘No. Actual. Fucking. Way,’ Cookey mutters, mesmerised by the penis on the tarmac.

‘Oh my god, oh my god,’ Blowers heaves and yacks while trying to lean away from his own hand.

‘It’s just a penis,’ Paula says.

‘Fuck,’ Cookey says slowly and I notice he first looks at Charlie then down at the penis then over at Blowers, ‘seriously…this is the actual best day ever.’

‘Someone wash my hand,’ Blowers whimpers, ‘Nick…wash my hand.’

‘Fuck off,’ Nick says backing away fearfully.

‘Mr Howie,’ Blowers says mournfully, turning towards me with his blood stained hand.

‘Piss right off,’ I back away laughing.

‘Mo? Anti-bac my hand, mate…’

‘You’s fucking gross,’ Mo recoils in disgust.

‘I could die happy now,’ Cookey sighs.

‘Please,’ Blowers shouts, ‘I can still feel it…someone anti-bac me…cut my hand off…’

‘Really,’ Cookey nods sincerely and looks up at Charlie again, ‘it doesn’t get any better than this.’

‘Dave,’ Blowers says, turning towards him, ‘cut it off…cut my hand off.’

‘I am not cutting your hand off, Simon,’ Dave says so seriously it sets me of laughing harder.

‘Dave, it was a dick. I was holding a dick.’

‘I saw that.’

‘Cookey saw it,’ Blowers says desperately, ‘shoot me then.’

‘I am not shooting you, Simon.’

‘You don’t understand, I had a dick in my hand and Cookey saw it.’

‘Dave, you should shoot him,’ Nick says.

‘It’s just a cock,’ Blinky says, bending down to pick it up, ‘what’s all the fuss?’

‘Don’t touch it!’ Nick shouts, jumping back again.

‘What this?’ Blinky asks, holding it out towards him.

‘Argh you dirty fucking bitch…’

‘Who wants it? Cookey?’

‘Give it back to Blowers, he can keep it for later.’

‘Oh god it’s starting,’ Blowers says, ‘Dave, shoot Cookey.’

‘I am not shooting Alex.’

‘Ten million pounds to anyone who shoots Cookey…Clarence…wash my hand…’

‘Not a chance,’ Clarence says, chuckling like the rest of us at Blowers obvious misery.

‘You want it back?’ Blinky asks, walking towards him while flicking the floppy thing side to side.

‘Don’t you dare,’ Blowers stiffens and glares at her, straightening his back as he tries to stare her down.

‘But honestly,’ Cookey says again, his voice wistful, ‘I saw Charlie’s bum this morning and now this.’

‘Cookey!’ Charlie says in alarm.

‘You saw Charlie’s bum?’ Marcy asks in surprise, ‘when? How?’

‘That’s not important right now,’ Cookey says firmly, ‘what’s important is that Blowers was holding a penis in his hands.’

‘Hand. One hand. I held it in one hand and I didn’t know what it was.’

‘What’s important right now is that we all saw Blowers licking the dismembered willy.’

‘I fucking did not.’

‘On this day, in this place. I saw Blowers stroking and trying to lick a cut off willy and it was only when Blinky took it from him that he stopped,’ Cookey announces, ‘that’s what happened.’

‘It fucking didn’t,’ Blowers says.

‘Did in my head.’

‘Cookey, please…’ Blowers pleads, still holding his arm out.

‘Oh yes, in the darkest of days they shall tell this story of the day Simon Blowers found a willy on the...’

A blur of black and Meredith, who was flicking her head side to side watching the willy being dangled about by Blinky makes her move and launches up with a quick snap of jaws that snatches the penis from her hands.

‘Oi,’ Blinky shouts, lunging after her, ‘give me my cock back.’ Meredith runs, holding her head high as she glances back to see Blinky coming at her and she darts on, applying a burst of speed through our legs.

‘Stop her,’ Paula shouts, lunging and missing.

‘Meredith!’ Marcy gets in front of the dog who twists and goes round her legs.

‘Nick,’ Paula shouts, ‘get your dog under control.’

‘She ain’t my dog,’ Nick says.

‘Mo, grab her,’ I shout as he dives with tears of laughter streaming down his face and misses as she scoots past him.