The Trouble with Emily Dickinson (15 page)

Christine shuddered as if the thought of
another woman making a pass at her would make her severely ill. She
stood up and grabbed Kendal by the arms.

“Promise me you’ll be there tonight.”

“What?”

“Promise me you’ll come to the party
tonight.”

“I already told you I’d be there. Why do I
have to promise?”

“Because I’m asking you to. As my roommate,
teammate and confidante.” Christine held out her pinky. It was the
way the members of the cheerleading squad sealed all of their most
sacred promises and secrets.

“Fine,” Kendal said, linking her pinky with
Christine’s. “I promise.” She sneaked a look at the clock on her
dresser. “Can I go now? I’m going to be late.”

Christine reluctantly stepped aside. “Go
ahead,” she said. “But don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

CHAPTER 21

JJ sat down in a chair in the school lounge.
Then she stood up. After a minute, she sat down again. Then she
checked her cell phone, just in case Kendal had tried to call or
send her a text. But she hadn’t. She crossed her legs, then slumped
back in the chair and spread her legs wide. After realizing how
ridiculous she looked, she stood up again and leaned strategically
against the chair.

It probably didn’t matter one way or another
to Kendal whether JJ was sitting or standing when she walked
through the doors. But for some reason JJ thought that if she gave
a good impression right from the start, then the rest of the
evening would go just as smoothly. But considering the way her day
had unfolded so far, it couldn’t get much worse.

JJ’s palms had been sweaty all day. She
continued to wipe them on her shorts and jumped every time someone
entered the lounge.

It had been quite the dilemma whether to use
gel in her hair or wear a baseball cap. In the end, she’d decided
that by not wearing a hat she would be showing off her softer side.
And that was the side she thought Kendal enjoyed the most.

JJ shoved her hands deep into the pockets of
her cargo shorts and studied her fresh white pair of Adidas
sneakers for scuffs. The baby blue polo shirt she’d chosen to wear
was tucked in just so, and she’d even ironed it before putting it
on.

JJ noticed a black mark near the heel of her
shoe, leaned over and tried to rub it out. She bent down as far as
she could without falling over, licked her thumb and ran it over
the mark. At that moment, the doors swung open and in walked
Kendal.

“There’s something you don’t see every day,”
she said, pointing at JJ’s backside.

JJ’s head snapped up. She quickly stood up
straight, and wiped her hand on the back of her shorts. “I
was—uh—there was something on my shoe,” she said, silently cursing
herself for sounding so stupid.

“Right,” Kendal smiled. “That’s exactly what
I thought you were doing.”

“Wow. You look amazing,” JJ blurted out. Once
the words left her lips, she realized what she’d said. “I mean—you
look nice and everything, you know?”

“You clean up pretty good, as well,” Kendal
said, admiring JJ’s outfit. “I like you without a hat better, I
think.” She had the sudden urge to reach out and touch JJ’s hair,
but resisted.

JJ adjusted her shirt and picked up her
backpack. “You ready?”

“Do you take that thing everywhere?” Kendal
asked, pointing at the backpack.

“What? This?” JJ held the backpack in front
of her. “I keep some of my favorite books in here. And I like to
carry my journal with me, too. I never know when I’ll be hit with
something inspiring.”

“Ever hear of a purse?” Kendal held up her
small white bag sprinkled with red polka dots.

“Can you imagine me carrying one of those?”
JJ took Kendal’s purse and swung it over her shoulder. Then she
batted her eyes at Kendal, who started laughing.

“You’re right,” Kendal said. “You look
ridiculous.” She snatched the purse back from JJ’s hands.

They walked side by side across the quad to
the edge of the campus. Several students crossed their path, some
staring at them in wonderment. It wasn’t often that a cheerleader
and a member of the girl’s basketball team were seen walking
anywhere together at Sampson Academy, let alone appearing to enjoy
one another’s company.

The looks didn’t bother JJ. She’d grown
accustomed to the glares and stares she and Queenie often garnered
whenever they were out in public together. They didn’t seem to
bother Kendal much, either, and JJ assumed that Kendal had grown
used to people looking at her simply because she was beautiful.

“How was your day?” JJ asked, genuinely
interested.

“Uneventful,” Kendal responded blandly.
“Yours?”

“You don’t want to know.” JJ nonchalantly
kicked the curb as they stepped up onto the sidewalk.

“Now you’ve sparked my curiosity,” Kendal
said.

“Let’s just say that everything today that
could have gone wrong did go wrong. But suddenly I feel a lot
better.”

Kendal flashed JJ a knowing smile, and then
looked away, afraid her expression would reveal everything she’d
been feeling lately. The more she thought about it, the more
confused she’d became over how another girl could make her feel
this way. She recalled Christine’s comment about being hit on by a
woman, and laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“I was just thinking of something Christine
had said before I left.”

“What did she say? Make sure to carry a can
of mace?”

“Not quite.”

“She doesn’t like me very much, does
she?”

They were in front of the coffee shop now,
lingering on the sidewalk as the night wrapped itself around
them.

“Christine doesn’t know you. That’s all,”
said Kendal. “I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m glad you asked me to
come with you tonight.”

“Me, too,” JJ said, smiling. She reached for
the doorknob, but Kendal had grabbed it first. Their hands closed
on top of one another’s and remained clasped longer than they
needed to be.

“I was—I wanted to get the door for you,” JJ
struggled to explain.

Kendal laughed nervously, unsure of how to
respond. Her hand still burned from JJ’s touch, giving off a
sensation she hadn’t recalled ever feeling before. She walked into
the coffee shop in a haze, with JJ directly on her heels.

They sat in the corner near the window, at a
secluded table that offered a full view of the stage in the back of
the room.

“What time is the poetry slam?” Kendal
asked.

“I don’t know,” JJ said, hoping the stage
would remain empty as long as possible. The last thing she wanted
was a bunch of talented poets who lacked stage fright to impress
Kendal with their tapestry of words while JJ sat quietly at their
table.

A roving waitress appeared, and both JJ and
Kendal ordered hot chocolate before embarking on a spirited
conversation that carried on effortlessly over the next couple of
hours. They talked about anything and everything they could, and
neither of them held back.

“I have no athletic ability whatsoever,”
Kendal confessed. “Once, during a tryout for the 40-yard dash, I
tripped over my own two feet and knocked the runner in the lane
beside me off the track.”

JJ laughed. “You’re joking.”

“I’m quite serious actually. It was so
embarrassing. But forget about me, what about you? I can’t believe
you were in a beauty pageant.” Kendal shifted in her chair and
placed both hands face down on the coffee table in disbelief. “Did
you win?”

“I didn’t even come close. When it came to
the talent portion, I panicked and ran off stage.” JJ recalled the
day of the pageant, how she’d been dressed in a nice gown and felt
so out of place. “It was awkward to say the least. And when I show
them the pictures, people who know me as I am now don’t believe
that it’s me.”

“You have pictures?”

“Sure do. My mom had one framed and it’s
still sitting on the fireplace mantle at home. It’s like she’s
holding on to something I used to be.”

“Did you look that different?”

“Totally different. I wore make-up, and my
hair was long. It came down past my shoulders.”

“Wow. I have to see those pictures.”

“No, you don’t. I want you to know me as I am
now, the real me, not the younger me that was insecure and
confused.”

“Do your parents know about you?”

“You mean—do they know that I’m gay?” JJ
licked her lips. “I told them after my sophomore year at
Sampson.”

“Was that hard?”

“Incredibly,” said JJ honestly. “It was
probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life so far. It was
tough explaining that I was the same person inside that I had
always been.”

“Same? How?”

“Personality wise, I’m the same. But back
then I acted different, and tried to fit in. I was very
uncomfortable in my own skin.”

“I know what that’s like.”

“You?” JJ asked skeptically.

“What—you think I have it easy?” Kendal
straightened up, clearly offended. “I’m so sick of everyone
thinking that just because I have a pretty face that I must have it
easy in life.”

“I didn’t mean to—”

“When I first came here,” Kendal continued,
“everyone assumed that I was this pretty girl with no brains. And
because I knew that everyone thought that, I became that. I played
the role. I played the pretty girl who wasn’t smart.” Kendal sat
back in her chair and stared at the ceiling. “I’m still playing the
same role now.”

“I’m sorry,” JJ offered. “I didn’t know.”

“You said you felt uncomfortable in your own
skin? Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in mine that I wish I could
be someone completely different for a day just to see how it would
feel. So what if I’m popular? So what if I was homecoming queen
last year? It means nothing to me. I admire you so much because you
know who you are and you know what you want out of life. I have no
idea who I am. And it’s sad that after three years I don’t feel
like I’ve changed at all. I’ll probably go off to college and fit
the same mold as I did in high school.”

“But you are changing,” JJ professed.
“There’s so much more to you. You’re so open and willing to put
yourself out there. People who are closed-minded are the ones who
don’t change. Look at Christine. I bet she’ll be the same person in
college as she is now.”

“Before I met you, I was just like her.”

“You aren’t anything like her. You’re not
only incredibly beautiful, you’re smart, you’re kind, you’re
open-minded and you’re a free spirit. There are so many things
about you that amaze me. Things you don’t give yourself enough
credit for.”

It was only after JJ saw the grateful
expression on Kendal’s face that she realized what she’d said.

“You think I’m smart?” Kendal asked, just to
be sure.

“I think you’re smarter than you realize,” JJ
told her. “Emily Dickinson would be impressed.”

“Speaking of Dickinson, you owe me a poem,”
Kendal said adamantly.

“How do you figure that?”

“I told you a secret.”

“Which was—”

“Which was about how I feel like I haven’t
changed at all. I’ve never told anyone that before, so that makes
it a secret.”

JJ wasn’t about to argue. She fished out her
journal from her backpack and slid it across the table to Kendal,
who flipped it open with the bright-eyed anticipation of a kid on
Christmas morning.

“What’s Mother May I about?” Kendal asked,
after skimming through the pages.

JJ rolled her eyes. Of all the poems in her
journal, Kendal had to choose that one.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.” JJ paused, and then decided
to just let everything spill out all at once. “That’s the poem that
I submitted in writing class that my teacher wants me to read out
loud because she likes it so much, only I don’t want to read it
because of my stage fright issue, and if I don’t read it, then
she’s going to lower my grade.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“What if I helped you?” Kendal asked.

“How?”

“You can practice with me. You can read your
poem out loud in front of me.”

“I have to do this by Monday. It’s Friday
night. How am I going to get over a lifetime of stage fright in
only two days?”

“We’ll start now,” Kendal motioned to the
journal and handed it back to JJ.

“Not here!” JJ panicked, looking around. The
coffee shop was packed with people getting ready to participate in
the poetry slam.

“Then let’s go someplace else.”

“Don’t you want to stay and watch the poetry
slam?”

“I’d rather help you instead,” said Kendal.
“You’ve really opened my eyes to poetry in such a way that I
actually enjoy it. I feel like I owe you or something.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

“Still—I’d like to help you if I can. That
is, if you’ll let me.”

JJ considered the offer. “Okay,” she agreed.
“But where can we go? I don’t want to go to back to my dorm or
yours. I need someplace private.”

“I know a place.” Kendal stood up and tugged
JJ, almost taking her by the hand. “Come on. You showed me your
favorite hangout. Now it’s time for me to show you mine.”

Just before they left the coffee shop, Kendal
glanced at her cell phone. She was supposed to text Christine, then
meet up with her at the soccer party. But here she was with JJ
instead. Without saying a word, Kendal slid her cell phone back
into her a purse. She smiled eagerly at JJ, “Come on. Let’s
go.”

* * *

Christine was busy making out with Jason in
the dark when Kyan walked right into the dorm room and flipped on
the light.

“I thought you said she was coming tonight,”
he said, sounding frustrated. “It’s after ten and she’s not here
yet.”

Christine peeled herself away from Jason, who
now glared at Kyan. “Seriously, dude?” he grumbled. “You’ve got
issues.”