The Trials of the Honorable F. Darcy (24 page)

Darcy closed his eyes and tried to imagine he was holding Elizabeth. For a moment, it worked. He kissed her as he would kiss Elizabeth: deep, probing kisses that tried to draw her soul from her being, catching her lip between his teeth, pushing his tongue into her mouth. He held her face in his hands but it was too narrow. He put a hand on the back of her head but the hair was too sleek. He touched her breast but it felt too large to his palm. He breathed in deeply but he did not smell pears and sunshine, he smelled cloves and incense. Her mouth didn’t taste right and she was not supple and soft against his chest. She was too long, too slender, and too
...
too not Elizabeth.

Darcy opened his eyes, pulling back. Caroline’s face was flushed and she was looking at him in barely checked wonder. He had never kissed her like that before, never. She was trembling, she wanted to draw him in again. She dipped her head toward him but he turned his face aside.

“No,” he said harshly. He took her by the arms and gently slid her off his lap and onto the couch. He was shaking and felt disgusted with himself. He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes tightly.

“You wanted me, I felt it,” she said shakily. “Why are you refusing me?”

He made no answer. She looked at him closely for a moment. She took in his facial expression and his posture; he was ashamed, embarrassed. She recalled his kiss, the passion that she’d never felt from him before, the turbulent waters bubbling to the surface. With a shock, she realized that he had been imagining
-
or trying to
-
that she was someone else!

“Who is she?” she asked, swallowing hard.

“She’s no one,” he replied.
He doesn’t deny it
, she thought.

“What stopped you?” she asked bluntly.

“It’s all wrong, everything is wrong,” he said quietly without thinking. “I could find her in a dark room full of a hundred women. I know every inch of her, every sound of her,
and every
smell of her.”

Caroline thought for a moment. She was hurt from the rejection but was able to recognize that it was just a blow to her ego; she wasn’t in
love
with Darcy. She was heavily in
like
with him but he’d never led her to believe they would be anything more than friends and she’d certainly never limited herself to him. The shock was that she had never known him to fall hard for
anyone
; that it wasn’t her, after all of her efforts, hurt her pride. But nothing more.

She wracked her brain to figure out who it could be. After a moment, she settled on Elizabeth
Bennet
. He had worked with her, she was Jane’s sister, meaning he probably saw a bit of her through Charley, and they’d had that weird interaction at Jane’s dinner.

“Do you love her?” Caroline asked. She was shocked when he looked at her through watery eyes and laughed.

“For fuck’s sake, Caroline, are you
blind
? Look at me! I’m a
wreck
!” He put his head back in his hands and closed his eyes again. Caroline paused before her next question.

“Does she love you?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered. He cleared his throat and continued on in a normal tone. “Fuck knows she wants nothing to do with me! She won’t talk to me, she won’t answer my calls
...”
he trailed off, feeling his self-control slipping away. Caroline watched his jaw clench and unclench as he tried to keep his emotions in check. He took a deep shaky breath and stood up. He paced for a moment, composing himself.

Caroline remained on the couch, looking at him in sympathetic contemplation. She had no idea why Elizabeth
Bennet
would reject him; he was desirable in every way and aside from a tendency to brood, really had no bad qualities that she could think of. She knew he’d never before had trouble attracting
-
and keeping
-
any woman that he was interested in.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize,” she said. “I’m very sorry for you. It must be difficult. I mean, you’ve never been rejected before.”

“Yes, thank you for reminding me in painful detail that this is my first rejection,” he said. She laughed at him.

“The problem with rejection is that it makes one desperate,” she said. He looked up to the ceiling.

“Rejected
and
desperate. Caroline, if you’re going to rub salt in my wound, could you hurry up? It’s getting late.” She laughed again. He was her friend, after all; she would help him if she could.

“Maybe you need to take a different approach,” she said thoughtfully. He looked over his shoulder at her.

“What are you suggesting?” he asked suspiciously.

She shrugged and smiled at him. “All’s fair in love and war, Darcy.”

***

Jane had to admit that she welcomed Caroline’s assistance in planning the wedding. Without Elizabeth at hand, Jane felt overwhelmed. She had been surprised to learn that she liked Caroline, different as she was from anyone else she knew. Her growing affection for Caroline was however tinged by guilt, for wherever Caroline went, Darcy now followed. Jane was not sure whether it was by Darcy’s choice or Caroline’s force but there it was; he attended every lunch, barbecue, house-hunting trip, and dinner with her. At first, Jane thought it just a matter of friendship; she was, after all, the sister of his best friend. But it soon became apparent that Caroline at least expected more. She flirted with him, held his hand, kissed his cheek, and shared intimate conversations with him.

Jane watched them closely. She saw that Darcy did not have the same easy manner with Caroline that he had had with Elizabeth and that gave her some comfort. He did not kiss
her
, he did not hold
her
hand, and he did not hug
her
. He did not have the same expression of being smitten on his face that he had when he looked at Elizabeth. But she did not know if he went home with her. He seemed solemn, sometimes grim, and he was beginning to look terrible. He had lost weight; he had circles under his eyes at times. His hair had grown out a bit, as if he could not be bothered to have it cut.

She was glad when Elizabeth called her, asking her to come to San Diego for a weekend. She needed a break from wedding planning and it sounded like Elizabeth needed a break from her hectic schedule. Maybe she could talk some sense into Elizabeth. When she arrived Saturday morning, she hugged Elizabeth tightly.

“Lizzy, I’ve missed you,” she said. Elizabeth squeezed her tightly and they spent the afternoon sipping margaritas by the pool and laughing while Jane caught Elizabeth up on all the local gossip. Jane showed Elizabeth photographs taken over the last several weeks of wedding preparations. There were photos of her parents
,
Mr.
Bennet
looking quite resigned and tired and Mrs.
Bennet
with her mouth open, as usual, Lydia
,
each one with a different man on her arm
,
and Jane and Bingley at various potential wedding venues.

Elizabeth laughed when she came across one of Bingley lying on the bed, sheets rumpled and a very satisfied grin on his face.

“Jane! Are you making porn?” Elizabeth laughed. Jane snatched the photos away from her, laughing and blushing.

“That was after he proposed,” she said and tucked the offending photo into her purse. “I forgot to edit the stack of photos.”

“Jane, please tell me you don’t have pictures of Bingley’s willy in there!” Elizabeth laughed.

“We call him ‘Bada Bing,’” Jane corrected. Elizabeth burst out laughing while Jane quickly rifled through the remaining photos and pulled out several of Darcy without showing them to Elizabeth. They ordered another round of margaritas from the cute pool boy.

Later, Elizabeth finally ventured to ask about Darcy.

“Have you seen Will?”

Jane looked down at her drink. “I have seen a lot of him lately, yes.” She did not meet Elizabeth’s eyes.

“How is he?”

“He’s OK, I guess.” Jane took a sip of her margarita and paused for a moment. Then she said, “Lizzy, I’m sorry, he’s seeing Charley’s sister.” Jane saw Elizabeth’s crestfallen expression. “I don’t think he has much feeling for her but she is very persistent.”

“Oh. Well, we’re not involved anymore, you know. I was just curious.”

“Lizzy, why don’t you just call him? I’m sure he would be happy to hear from you.”

“And say what? ‘Please dump your new girlfriend so that I can control you from San Diego’?”

“Of course not but how about ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘Come see me’? Lizzy, honestly, he looks terrible! I’ve never seen him look so poorly; he’s lost at least fifteen pounds!”

“Is he sick?!” Elizabeth exclaimed. She would fly up to see him immediately if he were.

Jane laughed.

“Lizzy, he’s
lovesick
. He misses you terribly.” Elizabeth remained silent. “Look, I’m not going to tell you what to do but right now you both look ridiculous. You’re both clearly in love, you haven’t got the conflict problem right now, you’re wasting time!”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Elizabeth said and dropped her eyes. They fell into silence and stared into the distance and eventually talked of other things.

When Elizabeth dropped Jane off at the airport Sunday morning, Jane hugged her briefly. “
Call him
,” she whispered.

***

The following Friday, Jane met with Caroline, Darcy, and Bingley at Bingley’s house for lunch before going house-hunting. Caroline and Bingley were in the living room, going over house brochures, when Darcy wandered into the kitchen for a drink.

“Will, would you hand me that bowl of fruit, please,” Jane smiled at him. He gave her the bowl silently and both sat down at the kitchen table.

“How have you been, Will? You seem quiet,” Jane said as she sliced an apple.

“I’m well, thank you,” he said idly. He turned his water glass absently, watching it make rings on the table.

“Have you heard from Lizzy at all?” she asked nonchalantly. His hands stilled on the glass. He looked up at her but she was intent on her apple.

He shook his head. “No,” he said quietly. He looked down at the table.

“Maybe you should give her a call,” she suggested in her calm, soothing voice.

“I
...
I can’t. The ball is in her court,” he said, studying the placemat intently.

“It’s very kind of Caroline to help us, don’t you think?” she said, changing the topic. She finished slicing the apple and picked up another piece of fruit.

“Yes, it’s good of her, she’s very busy.” He paused. “Have you heard from Elizabeth?” he asked softly, raising his eyes to look at her.

“Yes, I saw her this last weekend.” She glanced up at him. “I’ve told her all about how kind Caroline has been lately,” she added. He swallowed. He looked at the pear she was slicing and felt sick.

After running errands on Saturday afternoon, Elizabeth was greeted by the desk clerk who advised her that someone was waiting for her in the lobby. Curious, she looked around. The clerk pointed to a willowy blond woman. It took a moment for Elizabeth to recognize her as Georgiana Darcy. Georgiana stood and walked toward her.

“Miss
Bennet
, it’s good to see you again. I’m Georgiana Darcy, Will’s sister. You remember we met skiing in Tahoe?” Elizabeth nodded, perplexed. What was she doing here?

“I was hoping to have a word with you. Could I buy you some coffee?” Georgiana steered her effortlessly to the coffee shop and ordered two lattes.

Once they were seated with their coffees, Elizabeth asked, “What can I do for you, Miss Darcy?”

“I am here to plead my brother’s case,” she smiled slightly. “He doesn’t know that I’m meeting you and I’d appreciate you not telling him. He can be very
...
headstrong.”

“Plead your brother’s case? I don’t understand.”

“You haven’t answered his letter,” Georgiana said succinctly.

“You know about his letter?” Elizabeth said, shocked. She was sure Darcy would never have shared that with anyone.

“I know about it but I have no idea of the contents. I only know that every day he hopes for an answer and there is none. Do you intend to answer him?”

“I appreciate your concern for your brother but I really think this is between him and me. It’s very personal for both of us,” Elizabeth said softly.

Georgiana paused and sipped her coffee, looking out the window onto the street. She turned back to Elizabeth.

“Miss
Bennet
, may I call you Elizabeth? Elizabeth, let me tell you about my brother. He has taken care of me since our mother died when I was five and he was sixteen. It cannot have been fun for him to have a clingy five-year old running after him and his friends at that age but he put up with it. He always stood up for me whenever any of his friends complained and if I couldn’t come along, he would stay behind. When my father died when I was eleven, he took over all the responsibilities of Pemberley. You’ve been there, you can see what it takes to run that place. He was twenty-two. He managed to run the estate and excel at his law firm for two years. When he was promoted and transferred to the California office, he could have left me behind at boarding school. But back then I was a very shy girl and I had been at boarding school all my life. He thought it would be good for me to get away from that sheltered lifestyle and brought me to California with him. He didn’t have to but he did.
”

“At first, I lived with a guardian because Will was very busy and working long hours. I also spent a lot of time with our cousins the
Fitzwilliam’s
. We knew them well, had spent many summers with them both in England and California. They looked after me well when I was with them but my guardian left me to my own devices for the most part.
”

“When I was fifteen, I became involved with an older man. Will had no idea. I got mixed up in drugs and wound up pregnant. I was using Will’s apartment because he was never there. Will discovered us one evening and beat the living hell out of this man. He was actually sent to the hospital; I thought Will was going to kill him.” Georgiana paused here, lost in her memory of that night. Elizabeth watched as shame and sadness crossed Georgiana’s face. Georgiana continued softly, “Will and I moved into his current place then and he sent me to rehab and got me an abortion. He never blamed me, not once. He was nothing but supportive. I know he blamed himself for not looking after me. The
Fitzwilliam’s
blamed themselves for not being so attentive to me. Nobody ever blamed me.
”

“Everybody wanted to press charges but I begged them not to. I said I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s reputation or get Will in trouble at his firm. I refused to testify and no charges were ever brought. I was angry with Will for taking him away from me. I didn’t realize then what kind of person that man was, I was so young. In my mind, I had been an equal participant and I didn’t think he should be punished. I gave Will a terrible time for about a year because I resented him so much. It wasn’t until several years later that I grasped the reality of what happened and what could have happened and how my brother had saved my life. By the time I had come around to my senses, it didn’t seem worth it to pursue charges; I just wanted to get on with our lives.
”

“Anyway, I know I’m getting off topic but I’m telling you this for a reason. My brother is an extremely compassionate, loyal person. He has never been anything but kind to me and to everyone I know. I have put him through worse trials than you and he has never wavered in his love for me. It is by his action that I am not a drug addict or worse. He loves me unconditionally and I love him more than I did my own father.

“Despite our wealth, his life has not exactly been easy. He has never had an opportunity to just be a young man, fall in love, and get married. He’s always been burdened with more responsibility than was his fair share.
”

“Elizabeth, he
deserves
to be happy. From what I understand, he was the happiest he’s ever been when he was with you in England.
You
make him happy. If you love him, you need to let him know. If you don’t love him, then you need to cut him loose so that he won’t keep hoping that you will come back to him. You need to give him an answer, one way or the other. Keeping him in suspense isn’t fair.”

Elizabeth digested this for a moment, sipping her coffee quietly. Then she said,
“It’s not that I don’t feel anything for him; I do. I feel
too
much for him. I needed a break from the intensity, to sort out whether what we felt for each other was fantasy or reality. There was also the whole professional conflict issue that we never sorted out.”

“You’ve had two months to make up your mind. You need to make a choice. You need not concern yourself about
his
feelings; he knows his own mind. His feelings are strongly and deeply felt.” Georgiana paused again, unsure whether she should reveal what she said next. “I have seen him cry exactly two times in my life; at my mother’s funeral and the last time he saw you.
You are breaking his heart.
Please, for
his
sake, make up your mind.”

Elizabeth looked up at Georgiana and saw her concern. She was right, Elizabeth was being unfair. Was she still really unsure? Wasn’t she just hiding now?

“I do love him. I just don’t know what to do from here,” Elizabeth said quietly. Georgiana nodded but said nothing. They stared at each other for a few moments, then Elizabeth said, “I will call him.”

“Thank you.” Georgiana nodded with satisfaction. They finished their coffee in silence, and then Georgiana left.