The Tome of Bill (Book 7): The Wicked Dead (37 page)

Turd had finally been flushed for good.

Way to go! We did it!

Dr. Death lifted a hand to our lips and licked the blood off the fingers – the act being far less pornographic than it probably sounded.

Okay, fight’s over. You can give me control again.

My gaze shifted and I caught sight of Sally picking herself up off the forest floor and dusting herself free of dirt and pine needles.

Yep, it sure will be great when you’re a part of my subconscious again.

“Holy shit, Bill, you did it,” Sally said, walking over and standing alongside me. She gave Turd’s corpse one last kick for good measure.

Yoo-hoo! You listening to me?

“And I have to admit,” she continued, giving me a cursory once-over, “you clean up pretty well when you want to.”

I did? Where was a fucking mirror when you needed one? I...

“I was never a part of you.”

What?

“What?” Sally asked. “I didn’t quite catch that.”

“You thought I was a piece of you. How pathetic. As if a being as magnificent as I could ever be a subset of you.”

“Bill, you okay? Something get knocked loose during the fight?” Sally chuckled, but it had an uneasy air to it. She no doubt sensed something was off ... probably because the stuff Dr. Death spouted sounded batshit crazy even to me, the guy he was conversing with.

“You know nothing of your kind,” he continued. “I was dragged into you when you were turned, but unlike most, I got lucky. You were different, special, a Freewill. A means to an end, a means to be ...
free
.”

He turned toward Sally. I was normally a good head taller than her diminutive frame, but now, I practically towered over her.

“Sadly, there’s not enough room in the old apartment for both of us. It’s time for you to get yours, but first...” He took a step toward Sally, who wisely backed up two, “...it’s your turn to get what’s coming to you, bitch.”

NO! Leave her alone. I swear to God I’ll...

“Time for baby boy to take a nap. Don’t worry. I’ll wake you when it’s all over.”

My vision once more turned to red, a bloody haze descending upon the world as he advanced upon Sally. Bodiless, formless, helpless, I fought against it to no avail. As the red tint deepened, blotting out all vision, closing in upon me, the last thing I saw was her eyes widening in fear.

I cried out silently without a voice to be heard and then knew no more.

“No. I’m not gonna let you. I’ll die first.”

My eyes flew open and I sat up, drawing in a huge gasp of air, feeling as if I’d been drowning.

I glanced up and saw swirls of green and dark blue. Everything was blurry as fuck, but from the color, it appeared that the sky had lightened. Apparently, dawn was approaching. Normally, that would be a point of concern, but then realization hit. I couldn’t be turned to dust inside my own head, or at least I didn’t think so.

Dr. Death had said something about getting rid of me. Back when Christy had been helping me to get in touch with my inner problem child, I’d threatened to blast him to bits with all sorts of sci-fi awesomeness and he’d seemed pretty goddamned afraid. Maybe all that bullshit about dying in your dreams was true in a fashion.

So, then maybe if I believed an imaginary sun could burn me to a crisp, then it would. If that happened, then Dr. Death would get the joy of owning my body forever. Except it wasn’t really my body. If it was, I’d be almost tempted to let him. Somehow, it had metamorphosed into something else ... something bigger, meaner, and built for a day at the beach.

Well, fuck that shit. No way was he getting off that easily. He might have the advantage, but that didn’t mean I needed to make it easy for him to snuff me out.

I sat up, marveling at how real the ground felt beneath me when a groan at my side caused me to nearly jump out of my skin.

Was the asshole already here and waiting to ... wait a second. Dr. Death didn’t have blonde hair, or at least I didn’t think he did. Squinting, I made out a petite form next to me, clothing in tatters, with a head of blonde hair with blue highlights.

“Sally?”

Fuck me. Was this his plan – to torture me with her image before letting me die?

“Yeah, Bill?” she asked with a barely stifled yawn.

“Get the fuck out of my head.”

“What are you talking about?” She sat up and I saw that her exposed flesh – and damn, there was quite a lot of it – was covered in bruises and bite marks.

“You can stop it now.”

“Okay, you’re weirding me the fuck out ... even more so than a few minutes ago.”

“I’m not a moron.” I stood up. “I’m ... where are my pants?”

“Around, I guess. You were kind of in a hurry so you just tore them off.”

Huh? Despite being in my own head, I was still too self-conscious to stand there and have a conversation with my dick flapping in the wind. I peeled off the remains of my jacket – torn to shreds as if something had burst the seams – and wrapped it around my midsection.

Wait. There was no need for this crap. “Oh, forget this.” I closed my eyes and concentrated.

“What are you doing?”

“Hold on,” I replied.

“You look like you need to take a shit or something and if that’s the case, I’m just going to get the fuck out of here. I mean, I’m into some kinky stuff, but I have to draw the line somewhere.”

“There.” I opened my eyes and looked down, certain I’d be dressed again ... except that I wasn’t. My clothes were in the same state of disrepair as when I’d last checked. “Why didn’t it work?”

“Why didn’t
what
work?”

“I willed my clothes back together.”

“Is that some new Freewill power I’ve never heard of? I didn’t realize you could create instant textiles. If I’d known that, I might not have spent two hundred bucks on this bra ... which is of course now ruined, thanks to you.”

Unable to help myself, I glanced again at her, but was unable to make out nearly enough details for my personal edification. “Fuck, why couldn’t I have at least made my glasses appear?”

“I think you dropped them over there.”

“What?”

“When you were changing. Over there, past Turd’s body. It’s right ... oh never mind. I’ll go find them myself.”

Sally’s out-of-focus form stood and adjusted her clothing as best she could. After that, she stalked off past a large brown shape.

Wait, why was Turd’s corpse in my imagination? I mean, I guess Dr. Death could have been messing with me, but if so, then why not just make Turd alive again and have him chase my half-naked ass from here all the way back to Canada?

Oh, maybe
that
was his ruse. Make me think Turd was dead and then, out of nowhere, zombie Turd would rise up, craving my flabby white flesh.

While Sally was busying herself beyond the range of my clear vision, I walked over to the mound of putrid fur. Turd was fucked up beyond repair. We’re talking broken arms, rent meat, a shank of vertebrae sticking out the side of his neck. Ugh! If anything, he smelled even worse in death than he had in life.

“Okay, you can cut the shit. I’m ready for the chase scene.”

“What are you babbling about?” Sally called from where she was still off supposedly searching for my glasses. I only hoped Dr. Death would be sporting and allow her to find them before Turd played like a spring-loaded cat and popped up to give chase.

“Let’s go, shitball.” I gave him a good solid kick with sneakers barely held together by a few strands of canvas. Ouch! Even dead, the fucker was solid as a rock.

Sally walked back over, her form gradually appearing from the blurred forest around me. “Did you get your head knocked loose during the fight? Or is this just some weird ritual you always do that I don’t remember?”

“Just trying to save us all a little time,” I replied.

“Yeah. Anyway, here you go.” She held out her hand and I was relieved to find my glasses in them. The earpiece was a little bent, but that was a quick fix. A second later, my vision was restored and ... whoa. Sally looked like one of the covers from those old men’s magazines – the ones where a muscular hero fought off cannibals and killer snakes while a damsel in distress – in shredded clothes – stared helplessly from the background.

I was forced to admit, as hot as my bedroom fantasy with her and Sheila was, this was potentially even better. “Damn, I have an awesome subconscious.”

Sally sighed, her eyes narrowing. “Okay, that’s enough. What the fuck are you talking about? And, I swear, if you ignore me one more time to talk to yourself, I’m going to fuck you up – and not in the fun way this time.”

“Like you don’t know.”

Her hand shot out and she grabbed my throat. She dragged me close, lifted me off the ground, and held me with my feet dangling. “Pretend I’m stupid.”

“Fair enough,” I gasped.

She let go, and I landed on my feet, giving a quick cough to catch my breath. Oh well, there were probably worse ways for her to get my attention. “Fine. You’re not real, none of this is.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. We’re all in Dr. Death’s head ... well, my head. The head we share.”

“You’re making zero sense.”

“When Dr. Death took over, when I changed, it turns out he lied. He didn’t give me control. He just let me watch. Then, when it was all over, he shoved me into the background of my own fucking mind as he was about to...” My eyes popped open wide. “Oh shit! I have to save Sally.”

“I’m right here.”

“The real Sally, I mean. Dr. Death was about to...”

“Wait, hold on. So you mean that wasn’t you?”

“Huh?”

“During the fight?”

“No, it was him. Couldn’t you tell, the way he was acting like an asshole when you were trying to help?”

“Not really. I thought maybe you’d grown a set when you changed. I mean, hell, your other form was nothing like ... you are now. No offense.”

“None taken,” I replied offhandedly. “How bad was it?”

“Bad?”

“Yeah. I mean, I saw my muscles and all, those were kind of cool, but I can only imagine how horrible the rest was. Was I drooling pus? Please tell me no, because that’s just fucking gross.”

She looked like she was contemplating things, then shrugged. “Nope, nothing gross about you. You were ... ugh, I really shouldn’t say it.”

“Say what?”

“You were actually pretty hot.”

“Wait, hot?”

“See, I knew I shouldn’t have said it. Now it’s gonna go straight to your head.”

“Didn’t happen to get a picture, did you?”

“You see any place for me to hide a camera?”

I allowed myself another glance at her – her clothes barely clinging to all her fun lady parts. I really needed to find my pants because my makeshift kilt sure as shit wasn’t going to do much to conceal the mega-boner I was about to sport.

“Err, anyway,” I said, glancing away and trying to fill my head with thoughts of Turd, “after the battle, I saw him – me – advancing on you. He said you were gonna get what you deserved. Then everything went blank and I woke up here in my mind.”

“You definitely got hit in the head too hard.”

“Whatever. I need to wake up and rescue Sally before it’s too late.”

“Too late for what?”

“For me to stop him from killing you.”

“You didn’t kill me, genius. Hell, quite the opposite. I mean, you were a little forceful, sure, but I kinda like the rough stuff anyway...”

“Whoa there, Hoss. I’m not following.”

“You mean you don’t remember?”

“Like I said, Dr. Death shoved me into the back of my own mind, knocked me the fuck out. I...” I stopped and glanced down at her again, then remembered my own missing pants. “Oh God! Are you saying I
raped
you?”

“I wouldn’t put it that way. I mean, it surprised the fuck out of me at first, but it’s not like that’s the first time I’ve done it following the heat of battle. If anything, there’s something about a warm corpse nearby that really gets me going.”

I turned away, unable to believe I’d done something so reprehensible. I was no better than the others, just an animal – a monster like the rest of them.

“You okay, Bill?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“What for? No complaints here. I came.”

I spun back toward her, my jaw agape. The fuck? “Are you serious? How can you be so ... nonchalant about this?”

“Don’t let it go to your head. I was sorta in the moment.”

“Not that! I...” Goddamn, vampires were weird.

Wait a second. This didn’t add up. As bad as this was, I’d been certain the bastard had intended far worse for her. “I thought Dr. Death was going to kill you.”

“You
were
a little extra bitey, I’ll admit. Oh, and you did have me worried there for one little second.”

“How so?”

“After you ... finished, you bared your fangs, pinned me to the ground, and raised your fist. For a moment there, I thought you were
really
into the rough shit, but then all of a sudden your eyes rolled into the back of your head. You started mumbling some weird shit, rolled off me, and then out of nowhere you shrank back down to ... you. Let me tell you, that was trippy as all fuck to watch.”

“Mumbled what?”

“It was right before you started going off about being in your head. Something about not letting you do whatever, and wanting to die first. Just for the record, those aren’t words a girl wants to hear in the afterglow.”

Holy crap. He
was
going to kill her.

But then what stopped him?

After a moment, Sally’s eyes opened wide as she apparently began to catch on. “Wait, so you’re saying that wasn’t you?”

“No.”

“Then how did you reassert control?”

“Who knows? Maybe shooting his load affects him just like any other guy.”

Sally raised a dubious eyebrow. “Or maybe it was you. I know I don’t remember much, just bits and pieces, but I’m not stupid. I get the sense we’re friends. Not sure how that happened, but I’ve seen the things you’ve done, the limbs you’re willing to climb out on for others. Other vampires wouldn’t do that sort of thing.”

She was right, far more than she knew. Sally was a friend, maybe more. I still wasn’t certain. What I did know, though, is that I would have died for her if need be.