The Throwaway Year (15 page)

“
Wait-”

“
And
a questionable future. You even said that he expected the Feds to still come after him. Plus he’s a heroin addict-”

“Ex-”

“Sweetheart, there is no such thing as an ‘ex’ when it comes to heroin addiction. You are always an addict that is just one needle prick away from falling back into it. You do realize that the need
never
goes away. It’s something that he will always have to fight.”

Hayden
became irritated again that Dani wasn’t willing to listen… and then she realized that both of them were guilty of not listening. Didn’t she recently chide herself for shutting out her friends? She and Dani were her friends for a reason. So Hayden shut her mouth and she listened quietly and actively, despite how badly she wanted to jump up and defend Brian and her feelings for him.

“Hayden, we always go back to what we know.
Now I know MyKell wasn’t a druggy, but he was a
user
. All I’m saying is that Sean has a lot going for him and at the very least; you could just stop by after you leave work. You wouldn’t have to stay long. Just meet him with an open mind, and if you still feel as if you aren’t interested, then no harm, no foul.  So if there’s no attraction, then oh well.”

Hayden took a moment to digest her f
riend’s words and then she stared into Dani’s eyes.  “Okay, I’ll come to the barbecue after work.”

Dani smiled.

“Because you’re right, we don’t hang out the way we used to and I miss that too. I’ll even meet Sean because he’s a friend of yours and you want me to meet him. But some of what you said to me was wrong Dani. When you tell me what I am, what I should see when I look in the mirror, and what I should feel, it means that I was right in not discussing my feelings with you.”

Dani gave her a surprised look.

“It means that you have no concept of how deeply I have grown to hate the person that I see in the mirror, and how much I hate being in my own skin. If that’s all it would take to fix what’s broken in me, then I wouldn’t spend every waking moment of my life fighting to be something else. So I don’t need
you
to tell me who
I
am. I need to be the one to tell
myself
this. With those affirmations that you think are so stupid, I have been learning to feel good about me again.

“
And I was able to share those affirmations with a person who is learning to feel good about himself too. Whether we win, or whether we lose, we’re both more than our past mistakes. So as much as I appreciate how much you care about me, it’s not as much as I’m learning to care about myself.”

Dani was quiet
for a while. “You’ve come a long way Hayden. I’m sorry and I’ll stop trying to make you into what I want to be.”

After a moment
Hayden nodded and then she gave her friend a stern look.  “
And
you will need to stop with the criticizing of a man that you’ve never even met. Now it doesn’t hurt me to go to the barbecue and meet Sean—but mostly because there’s a big steak involved. But I warn you that I’m pretty sure about my feelings for Brian.”  Then a smile cancelled out Hayden’s scowl. “He’s the man I think I want to be with.”

Dani smiled too.
“To be in love. I remember that feeling.”

“You get rid of Dante and you might discover it again.”
Dani gave her a surprised look, but Hayden just raised her hand innocently. “I’m just saying.”

“Wow…
I’m such a hypocrite, aren’t I?”

             
“We don’t generally see our mistakes as well as we see others’. Just keep being proud of you because that has been my goal since the beginning; to be proud of me.”

~***~

When the alarm clock went off Saturday morning, Hayden seriously thought about not going to the gym. However, she knew that the first time she made an excuse would just be the first step in causing all of her discipline to unravel. So she staggered out of bed, made an egg white omelet for breakfast, and then went into auto-pilot through her workout and preparations for her four hour shift.

It felt strange to drive in
to Fox Vinyl’s parking lot at 8:00 A.M. and on a Saturday. She figured that she could work until noon and then go shopping for something to wear that actually fit. Then she would hit the barbecue, meet Dani’s friend, and leave shortly after.

She walked to the office holding her new key
, but the door was already unlocked and Brian, Abdullah and a few others were already present. When Brian looked up and saw her, he grinned and came over to greet her.

“You’
re a sight for sore eyes.” He looked tired, but even near exhaustion he couldn’t hide the look of pleasure on his face.

“Oh?
And why is that?”

“Because no one from the credit card company showed up today.
I have to go there and take over and I don’t want to leave this place in the hands of,” he leaned in to whisper, “Abdullah.”

“What?
You want me to be in charge? Where’s your Dad?”

“He’ll be here at noon.
Hayden, he really needed the rest. He’s only been going home long enough to clean up and then he’s been sleeping in his office. But don’t worry, he trusts you. All you’d have to do is make sure that no one goofs around and that everything is running smoothly.”

She nodded in disappointment.
“Of course I’ll do it… but I thought I was going to get to look at you all day.”  She loved gazing at Brian, especially when she looked up and saw that he was already watching her. It made the day special and caused her to feel just like a teenager with a first crush.

Brian looked around quickly and then gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
  “I know honey. Me too. But I’ll get to see you tomorrow—and more importantly, I get a home cooked meal.”

“No.
I
get a home cooked meal. You get to cook it. Did you go to the grocery store yet?”

“Not yet, I’ll be doing that after work tonight.
Look, I better get going. Text you later?”

“You better.”
She smiled.

Four hours moved quickly with everyone taking advantage of the opportunity to make rapid calls and rapid sales.
If not for the barbecue, Hayden would’ve stayed longer, but as soon as Mr. Fox arrived, she sent him a quick hello, which was also a goodbye email, and left.  Then Hayden quickly headed for a department store that she had always found too expensive for her budget.  However, this time she browsed for several outfits that she liked without even checking the price tags. As an afterthought, she also selected sexy underwear; things that she had always liked from afar but would not have been able to squeeze her body into.

She thought about Brian
too, imagining him looking at her in them and her face grew flushed. Tomorrow she could kiss him again. Would she… have sex with him if things headed in that direction?  She wanted to think ahead because she already knew that things would most definitely head in that direction if she had anything to do with it.

When Hayden arrived at Dani and Dante’s apartment later in the evening, she was dressed in a long, slimming, spaghetti strap sundress.
She had taken a length of colorful cloth and tied it around her head which held back her naturally spiraling hair. It had grown in length and could now be stretched down to touch her shoulders before it sprang back to halo her head. She had placed a bit of makeup on for no other reason then when she looked in the mirror, she actually liked what she saw, and knew she could like it even more with some lip-gloss and eye shadow.

When Dani answered
her door, her mouth actually dropped.

“Hayden, you look…
terrific!” Her friend grabbed her arm and led her inside. “Girl, Sean is going to love you!”

Out on the patio
, Dante was standing with an extremely handsome man, and both were drinking beers. Dante did a double take and nearly dropped his.

“Hayden?”

“Hey Dante.”

“Wow, you lost a lot of weight!”
Dani smacked his arm until his mouth clamped shut. Dante was attractive, built like a wrestler with light skin and eyes. He was also a little immature but despite their numerous problems, Dani thought he was too cute to let go. It was a mentality she understood well because it was exactly how she used to feel about MyKell.

The man standing next to Dante was on a whole different level
though. He could have modeled men’s underwear with his tall, toned body. When Dani said that he was dark, she hadn’t lied. Sean was Morris Chestnut dark and he towered over her at well over 6’3” or maybe 6’4” – at the least.  To say that he was handsome was an understatement. Dani had not exaggerated.

Sean’s brow lifted and he took her hand and shook it slightly.
  “Hi Hayden. I’ve heard a great deal about you. I’m Sean. Sean Crosley.”

“I’ve heard a great deal about you too.”
She smiled. Strangely, she felt very relaxed and at ease. Back in the day, meeting a guy on a blind date was stressful and hellacious, and if he was good-looking, she was sure to make a total fool out of herself.  Yet the conversation was easy, perhaps because although Sean was attractive, she wasn’t attracted to him. He was nice, attentive, smart and very good-looking, but her mind was on someone else.

Hayden was having a nice time and the steaks were perfect.
Yet she couldn’t stop her mind from drifting. She wished that she could find a polite way to make a get-away and then she felt guilty about her anti-social attitude. It was at that moment that her cell phone vibrated and announced that a text message had been received – right in the middle of a funny story that Sean was telling.

She quickly apologized and then moved away to read the message.
It was from Brian announcing that he was at the grocery store and was unsure about what kind of oatmeal to buy.  Her heartbeat began to race and a smile spread across her face.

“Why in the world do we need oatmeal for meatloaf and smothered cabbage?”
he texted.

“We need it to hold the meatloaf together and to keep it moist.
Don’t forget eggs.”

“Got that.
Would you like something to drink; diet cola? Wine?”

“Wine would be nice.
It’s not really on my diet… but one glass of Moscato won’t hurt.”

“Moscato it is.
So I see they have all kinds of oatmeal here.”

“Do
not
get the instant kind. It has sugar in it.”

“Lol!
Okay honey, I do know that much.”

She smiled and then remembered that she was supposed to be trying to get to know a man that didn’t interest her half as much as the one she was texting.

“I’m sorry, I have to go.  Hanging out with friends.”

“Okay, have fun beautiful.
See you tomorrow.”

“Can’t wait.”

She quickly returned to the party, wiping the smile of pleasure from her face.  A short time later, Dani whisked her away to help her with some manufactured task in the kitchen. Her friend was beaming.

“I really think Sean likes you!
Isn’t he terrific?”

Hayden nodded.
“He’s nice.” She grabbed a dish of chocolate mousse. “Grab something so it doesn’t look so obvious that we’re in here comparing notes.”

Dani gave her a look of disbelief.
“Oh come on… you like him right?”

Hayden shrugged again before walking out the room.
“Not as much as you do.”

“Hayden!” Dani whispered loudly but
Hayden didn’t stop walking until she was back out on the patio.  She didn’t stay much longer after that, apologizing for being exhausted after a long week and today’s additional hours at work. She was truly tired but mostly tired of faking interest in a man that Dani obviously had a crush on.

“Maybe we’ll see each other again?” Sean asked while taking her hand.
For a moment she thought he was going to kiss it. She gave him a smile.

“Nice meeting you
Sean.” No promises, no lies.

~***~

Hayden heard the alarm clock and her heart sank.
I can’t get up. I can’t go to the park today. I can’t.

“
’I am perfectly imperfect…’” Hayden muttered tiredly. “’I strive for better while loving all that I am today.’” She forced her eyes to open. “’In loving myself today, I am better equipped to improve myself tomorrow. Now get your ass up Hayden!’”

Hayden sat up and dragged herself to the edge of the bed where she sat for another minute until she was awake enough to stumble into the bathroom.
  She was at the park right at 8:00 A.M. just as she would have been if Todd and Kevin were coming along.

“Hi Miss Hayden!”
She turned quickly to the familiar voice and smiled genuinely when she saw Kevin getting out of a car.