The Three (16 page)

Dr Lund chips in. ‘This is happening all over. Right now. And we know that these birth pains signal the opening of the first four seals. We also know from both Revelation and Zechariah that the four harbingers are then sent throughout the world. White to the west, red to the east, black to the north and the pale horse to the south. Now that the seals have been opened, punishment will be exacted upon Asia, America, Europe and Africa.’

I’m struggling to follow this logic, but I manage to pick up on the last bit. ‘And Australia? Antarctica?’

Flexible chuckles again and shakes his head at my denseness. ‘They aren’t part of the global moral decline, son. But they’ll get their turn. The world’s governments and the UN will all gather together to make the many-horned beast.’

Now that I haven’t been taken by the seat of my pants and booted out, I’m feeling slightly more confident. I point out that the NTSB is indicating that the causes of the crashes are down to fully explainable events–pilot error, a possible bird strike, mechanical failure–and not supernatural interference (somehow I manage to phrase this without sounding like I’m talking about aliens or the devil).

Pastor Len opens his mouth to comment but Dr Lund jumps in. ‘I’ll answer this, Len. You think God wouldn’t have the power to make these events look like accidents? He wants to test our faith, root out the believer from the heathen. We have heeded his call. But we’re in the business of saving souls, son, and when the fourth horseman is found, even the most reluctant will be called to his fold.’

I feel my mouth lolling open. ‘The fourth horseman?’

‘That’s correct, son.’

‘But there were no survivors of the crash in Africa.’

Pastor Len and Dr Lund exchange glances, and Dr Lund gives the tiniest nod.

‘We believe there is,’ Pastor Len says.

I stutter that according to the NTSB and the agencies in Africa, there is no chance that anyone on the Dalu Air flight could have survived.

Dr Lund smiles humourlessly. ‘That’s what they said about the other three incidents, and look what the Lord chose to show us.’ He pauses. Then he asks the question I know has been coming. ‘Have you been saved, son?’

Flexible Sandy’s peculiar button eyes bore into mine and I’m suddenly back at school, standing in front of the headmaster. I’m overwhelmed with the desire to lie and claim that yes, I am one of them, among the saved. But it passes and I tell them the truth. ‘I’m Jewish.’

Dr Lund nods in approval. Flexible Sandy’s grin doesn’t falter. ‘We need the Jews,’ Dr Lund says. ‘You’re an important part of the coming events.’

I know what he’s talking about. After the Rapture and the Antichrist’s rule, Jesus will return to vanquish the infidels and power-drive the Antichrist off his throne. This battle is pipped to take place in Israel, and Dr Lund, like many prophecy believers, is vociferously pro-Israel. He believes, as it says in the Bible, that Israel belongs to the Jews and the Jews alone, and he is adamant that land swapping and peace accords with Palestine should be forcefully opposed. It’s rumoured that during President ‘Billy-Bob’ Blake’s tenure in the White House, Dr Lund was a regular visitor. I really want to question him about the elephant in the room–why someone who truly believes the end of the world is imminent would bother to meddle in politics–but Dr Lund stands up before I can think how to phrase it.

‘Go well, son,’ he says. ‘Get hold of my publicist, she’ll help you out.’ With another round of handshakes, I’m dismissed. (A few days later I do as he suggests, but receive only a curt ‘Dr Lund is unavailable’ response, and a flat silence to my other stabs at communication with Flexible Sandy.)

As I leave the conference, my fly-fisherman’s Bible and my
Gone
books tucked under my arm, I pass a phalanx of huge bodyguards surrounding a man in an even more expensively cut suit than Dr Lund’s. I recognise him immediately. It’s Mitch Reynard, former governor of Texas, who announced his intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination just a couple of weeks ago.

I hadn’t seen Lenny for a while, not since he told me about Pamela May Donald’s message. Then he called me up, asked me to meet him at one of our motels. Lucky for him I had a cancellation. One of my regulars, ex-marine–a sweet fella–was feeling blue and wanted to postpone.

Anyhow, that day, Lenny burst into the room, snatched the drink I poured for him and started pacing up and down. Told me he’d just got back from a conference in Houston. He looked just like a little kid who’d been to Disneyland for the first time. He must have talked non-stop for half-an-hour at least. He was saying how he’d been hanging out with Dr Lund, who’d invited him to appear on his Sunday show. Said he’d even had dinner with Flexible Sandy–the fella who wrote those books I never got around to reading. Went on about how the room where he’d given his talk had been packed to the rafters with the faithful.

‘And guess who else was there, Lo?’ he asked while he pulled off his tie. I didn’t know what to say, wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d said Jesus himself, way he was talking about those guys with all that awe in his voice. ‘Mitch Reynard,’ he said. ‘Mitch Reynard! Dr Lund has given him his backing.’

I’m not one for politics, but even I knew who this fella was. Caught him on a couple of the news segments Denisha likes to watch. Smooth guy, ex-preacher, looked a bit like Bill Clinton, always had the right answers, used to be a member of that Tea Party contingent. He was never out of the news when it turned out he was running for the Republican presidential nomination. Got a lot of criticism from the liberals for what he was saying about feminism and how gay marriage was an abomination.

Lenny started getting carried away, talking about how this could even be his ticket to getting into politics himself. ‘Anything is possible, Lo. Dr Lund says we must do everything in our power
to sway the vote, make sure the country gets back to a good moral footing.’

Talking about morals, far as I was aware, Lenny never saw anything hypocritical about paying for my services. Maybe he didn’t even see it as adultery. He didn’t talk about his wife often, but I got the impression they hadn’t been intimate for a while. Course, last couple of times I saw him, there wasn’t much adultery going on; he was too busy unloading on me.

Would I say that fame went to his head? Yeah, sure. After he set up the website and got involved with Dr Lund, he was like a kid with a new toy. He said he was in contact with people from all over the world. Fellas right down in Africa even. There was that Monty guy he said he emailed every day, and a marine who was doing his duty somewhere in Japan. Jake somebody. I can’t recall his surname even though he was all over the news later on. Lenny told me all about how that marine had been into the Japanese forest where that plane had crashed. ‘Where Pam breathed her last breath.’ He said that Dr Lund had tried to contact Bobby’s grandmother, wanted to invite Bobby onto his show as well, but wasn’t getting anywhere. I really felt for the poor woman. Both me and Denisha did. It couldn’t have been easy being the focus of all that attention when you were still in mourning.

Lenny went on and on about how he was getting requests to do interviews from all over–talk shows, radio shows, Internet blogs, the whole caboodle, and not just the religious ones either. ‘Aren’t you worried they’ll ridicule you, Lenny?’ I asked him. He let slip that Dr Lund’s PR team had warned him to be careful about talking to the non-Christian press, and I thought that was wise advice. What he was saying about the children being the horsemen, you could see how lots of folks would think that was just plain nonsense.

‘I’m spreading the truth, Lo,’ he said. ‘If they want to ignore it, that’s their business. When the Rapture comes, we’ll see who has the last laugh.’

We didn’t even do it that day. He just wanted to talk. As he left, he reminded me to catch Dr Lund’s
True Faith Togetherness
show that weekend.

I was curious to see how Lenny would come across, so come Sunday, I settled down to watch it. Denisha couldn’t figure out what the hell I was doing. I hadn’t told her that Lenny was one of my clients. I respect my regulars’ privacy, which I know sounds like a lie seeing as here’s me talking to you now! But I never asked to be outed, did I? I wasn’t the one who went to the reporters. Anyhow, first off, Dr Lund stood at this big gold pulpit, a huge choir behind him. That church of his, the size of a shopping mall, was bursting at the seams. He basically just repeated Lenny’s theories about Pamela May Donald’s message, stopping every five minutes so that the choir could sing a bit more and the congregation could chime in with their ‘Amen’s and ‘Praise Jesus’s. Then he went on about how the time was ripe for God’s judgement, what with all the immorality going on, the gays and the women’s libbers and the baby killers and the school boards who promote Evolution. Denisha kept clicking her tongue. Her church knows all about what she does for a living, and they have no problem with the gays, either. ‘It’s all the same to them, Lo,’ she said. ‘People is people, and rather be upfront about it than hide it. Jesus never judged nobody, did he? ’Cept those money-lenders.’ Most of those rich preachers and high-end pastors had skeletons in their closets, and every day there seemed to be a new scandal about one of them. But not Dr Lund. He was known to be squeaky clean. Denisha reckoned he had the right connections to keep his dirty doings out of the media; knew where the bodies were buried.

After his sermon, Dr Lund walked over to an area at the side of the stage, which was decorated like a living room, all expensive rugs and oil paintings and lampshades with gold tassels. On the couch waiting for him were Dr Lund’s wife, Sherry, Lenny and a skinny woman who looked like she needed feeding up. That was the first time I saw Pastor Len’s wife, Kendra. She couldn’t have looked more different to Sherry, who Denisha said had the look of Tammy Faye Bakker about her–all eyelashes and drag queen accessories. But Lenny came across okay. He was a bit agitated, kept fidgeting and his voice wobbled some, but he didn’t
embarrass himself. Dr Lund did most of the talking. Kendra didn’t say one word. And the look on her face… it was hard to read. I couldn’t tell if she was nervous, thought the whole thing was just dumb, or if she was bored out of her mind.

ERIK KAVANAUGH:
On the line with me today, I have Pastor Len Vorhees from Sannah County, Texas. Pastor Len–can I call you that, by the way?

PASTOR LEN VORHEES:
Yes, sir, that’s absolutely fine.

EK:
That’s a first, no one’s ever called me sir before. Gotta say, you’re politer than most of the guests I usually have on here. Pastor Len, you are trending on Twitter right now. Do you think it’s right for an evangelical Christian to use social media in this way?

PL:
I believe we should use any means possible to spread the good news, sir. And since I got the message out there, there are people flocking into Sannah County, eager to be saved. Why, at my church they’re practically spilling out the doors.
(He laughs)

EK:
So it’s like that scene in
Jaws
. You’re gonna need a bigger church?

PL:
(Pause)
I’m not quite sure what—

EK:
Now let’s get down to exactly what you’re saying. Some people might say that your belief that these children are the horsemen is–and I can find no other way to say this–absolutely batshit crazy.

PL:
(Laughing nervously)
Well now, sir, that kind of language isn’t—

EK:
Is it true that you came up with this theory after one of your
parishioners, Pamela May Donald, the sole American on board the Japanese plane that crashed into that forest, left a message on her phone?

PL:
Ah… yes, that’s correct, sir. Her message was addressed to me and her meaning was clear as day. ‘Pastor Len,’ she said. ‘Warn them about the boy.’ The only boy she could mean was the Japanese boy who was the sole survivor of that crash. The
sole
survivor. And then the airplanes’ insignias—

EK:
In the message she also mentions her dog. If you believe she was saying that the Japanese boy is some sort of end-of-days harbinger, surely this means you also believe we should all go around treating the family pooch like a deity now?

PL:
(Several seconds of dead air)
Well now, I wouldn’t go so far as to—

EK:
On your website, pamelaprophet.com–you should check it out folks, trust me–you say that there are facts that back up what you’re saying. Signs that the misery the horsemen are supposed to bring is already coming to pass. Let me give any listeners who may not have heard the details of your theory an example. You’re saying that the foot and mouth outbreak they’ve just been having in Europe was brought on by the appearance of the horsemen, am I right?

PL:
That’s correct, sir.

EK:
But surely there’s always stuff like this going on? The UK experienced exactly the same thing a few years ago.

PL:
That’s not the only sign though, sir. If you put them all together, you can clearly see that there is a pattern of—

EK:
And these signs, you’re saying they’re all pointing towards the fact that the end of the world is nigh when all the saved will
be raptured. Is it fair to say you evangelical guys are looking forward to this event?

PL:
I wouldn’t say that looking forward is the right way to phrase it, no, sir. It’s important to let your listeners know that by taking the Lord—

EK:
So these signs are like God’s way of saying, time’s up folks, get saved or burn in hell forever?

PL:
Uh… I’m not certain that—

EK:
Your beliefs have come under radical fire from religious leaders of, let’s say, more traditional persuasions. More than a few of them have said that what you’re saying, and I quote, is ‘utter fear-mongering nonsense’.

PL:
There will always be doubters, sir, but I would urge your listeners to—

EK:
You’ve got some heavy hitters behind you. I’m talking about Dr Theodore Lund of the End Times Movement. Is it true he used to go shooting with former President ‘Billy-Bob’ Blake?

PL:
Uh… you’ll have to ask him about that, sir.

EK:
I don’t need to ask him about his views on women’s rights, the Israeli peace accords, abortion and gay marriage. He’s radically opposed to them. Do you share his views?

PL:
(another long pause)
I believe we should look to the Bible for guidance on these matters, sir. In Leviticus it says that—

EK:
Doesn’t it also say in Leviticus that owning slaves is cool and that kids who backchat to their parents should be stoned? Why
do you guys take on board, say, the anti-gay stuff and not the other crap?

PL:
(dead air for several seconds)
Sir… I object to your tone. I came on the show to tell your listeners that time is—

EK:
Let’s move on. Your theory about The Three isn’t the only one doing the rounds. There are quite a few nutjobs who are adamant that those kids are possessed by aliens. Why are their views any crazier than what you believe?

PL:
I’m not sure what you—

EK:
The Three are just children, surely? Haven’t they been through enough? Wouldn’t the Christian thing to do be not to judge them?

PL:
(another long pause)
I don’t… I—

EK:
So let’s say they’re possessed, are the real children still inside their bodies? If so, must be getting crowded in there, am I right?

PL:
God… Jesus works in ways we can only—

EK:
Ah, the ‘God works in mysterious ways’ defence.

PL:
Uh… but you can’t… you can’t discount the signs that… How else did those children survive the crashes? It’s—

EK:
Is it true you believe there is a fourth child who has survived the crash in Africa? A fourth horseman? You’re saying this even though the NTSB is absolutely adamant that no one could have survived that tragedy?

PL:
(clears throat)
Uh… that crash site… there was much confusion down there. Africa is… Africa is a—

EK:
So how did these horsemen bring down the planes? On a practical level, it seems like a lot of effort to go to, doesn’t it?

PL:
Um… I can’t tell you that for sure, sir. But I will tell you this, when they release the crash reports, there will be signs of… of…

EK:
Supernatural interference? Like the alien people believe?

PL:
You’re twisting my words, sir. I didn’t mean that—

EK:
Thank you, Pastor Len Vorhees. We’ll be opening the lines for callers after this message.