The Things We Knew (30 page)

“You never got her letter about the house?”

“What letter?” Ryan shook his head. “I just knew I needed to come home. I prayed a lot about it, and felt like God was telling me to get back here as quickly as possible.”

Gray let out a whistle. “Well, okay.” He hadn't gone into detail earlier, more concerned with telling Ryan about Pops and the stuff about Mom and Coop's dad, so he filled him in on their financial affairs and where they were with the house situation. “Lynnie seems set on the idea of doing the guesthouse thing, but after today—seeing Mom's room like that—who knows what Lynnie's dealing with. It might be better if we sell.”

“Sell.” Ryan looked around, his face masked with sorrow. Gray knew what he was seeing. Years of memories, love, and laughter
flowed through every part of this place. He'd fought the feeling for a while, but it grew stronger each day.

“It's hard to imagine not having Wyldewood, Gray.”

“I know. But if Lynnie—Well, I'm not sure what she's going to be able to handle.”

“We have to talk to her, see what this is all about, right?”

Gray nodded. “I know. But I'm not looking forward to it.”

Ryan crossed one leg over the other, his eyes filled with fresh concern. “So what's going on with you? I know what I've heard and read, but I'd like to hear it from you.”

Ryan listened while Gray talked. He teared up when Gray succumbed to a mysterious prodding at his heart and told him about Tess. Eventually his brother released a deep sigh and came to sit beside him on the bench. Put an arm around Gray's shoulders and squeezed. “You're going to be okay.”

Gray swiped a hand across his eyes and gave a shaky laugh. “Don't be so sure, preacher man. Some days I think I'm this close to losing it.”

“You're stronger than that, Gray. Even if you don't think you are. I saw it in your eyes when you talked about them, about Victoria and Tess. You can do this. Do it for them.”

“What if they don't want me?”

Ryan laughed and mussed Gray's hair. “Then I guess the rest of us are stuck with you.”

Gray pushed him off but couldn't stop a smile. “Thanks, Ry. Hey, I haven't told anyone yet, about Tess, okay?”

“No problem. Whenever you're ready. I'll be praying for you, bro.”

Gray met his brother's eyes and allowed the weight of his words to wedge into that empty spot in his soul. “I've been doing a bit of that myself lately.” He wound his thumbs around each other. “Not sure God can take a first-class loser like me, but Lynnie says He'll listen to anyone.”

Ryan's chuckle filled the porch and made Gray feel better. “Lynnie's right. Keep talking to Him, Gray. Hey, I need to go check on Isaiah.” He reached for the cell phone on the bench and handed it to Gray. “Why don't you do what you came out here to do?”

G
ray sat alone in silence for a while, finally gave up the fight, and hit the keys. Pressed Send and waited. A moment later his phone beeped. Tori's picture lit up the screen and he checked the message.

Thought I told you not to call.

He grinned and tapped out a reply.
You never said anything about texting.

Gray kept his eyes on the screen as minutes ticked by. Nothing. Great. He'd screwed up again. Then her ringtone blared from his cell and made him jump. “Walking on Sunshine.” Gray smiled, put the phone to his ear, and tried not to sound desperate. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” She sounded cheerful, but wary. His heart flipped just the same. “You all right?”

He'd missed her voice. Missed her. His eyes began to water and he swiped at his cheeks. “No, not really.”

“Talk to me.” Her reticent sigh made him wonder what he was doing, but slowly the words tumbled out. She let him talk without interrupting.

“So that's where things are at,” he finished. “We've got to talk to Lynnie about everything. I just don't know what to say. I feel sick over the whole thing. But I, um . . .” Gray swore and stared at his feet. “I'm not going to do anything stupid, Tor. I'll be okay.”

It was a promise. Somehow he would make it through this night. If that meant getting Ryan and David to tie him to a chair and sit on him, so be it.

“Of course you will.” She actually seemed convinced. “But call Doug. He's your sponsor. He'll be there for you. I know you believe you can do this on your own, but—”

“I don't. Not anymore. I think I need all the help I can get.”

“Okay. Well, good.” She got quiet. “I believe in you, Gray.”

“Yeah.” She always had. He rubbed the stubble on his chin and tried to picture her face. “I don't know if you've talked to Neil recently but—”

“He called.” Tori cleared her throat. “It's good, huh? You'll be back in the game in no time.”

“Maybe, yeah.” He'd been giving some serious thought as to what he wanted his life to look like from this point on and the revelations were startling.

“Guess this means you'll be going back on tour soon?”

“I'm not planning on it.” A breeze floated up from the water but didn't really soothe him. His heart was in too much turmoil.

“You're not?” Did she sound hopeful or was that wishful thinking?

“No.” He'd made up his mind a few days ago. “I don't want to go back to that life. Things are going to look a little different this time around. No tours right now. I'll be doing some studio time, though. Maybe in New York.”

“Not LA?”

“Nope. Think I'll stay closer to home.”

“I see.” Her pause was a bit too long for his liking. “Well, that's good, I guess, if that's what you want.”

“Yeah.” His heart jumped as he heard a little voice in the background asking Tori who she was talking to.

“Just a friend, hon. His name is Gray.”

That wasn't the answer he was hoping for, but what did he
expect? He clenched his jaw and watched the dogs race across the lawn after a sea gull. The sun was a ball of fire, slowly inching down toward the inky blue line of the horizon. “Can I talk to her?”

“Excuse me?”

He imagined the look on Tori's face. Horror, disgust, maybe contempt—all of which he deserved. Gray sniffed and rubbed his eyes. “I asked if I could talk to her. I'd like to talk to my daughter.”

“Gray.” Tori rarely cried, but he thought he heard her voice catch just a bit. She stayed quiet a long time. “Are you sure?”

Gray made up his mind and inhaled. “Yes.”

For a while he thought she might have hung up. Then the phone crackled.

“Hello?” A shy, sweet little voice came down the line and captured his heart without even trying.

“Hi, Tess.” Gray smiled through his tears. “How are you?”

“Good.” Her breathy voice rendered him motionless. “Know what? Mommy's making spisgetties. Is my favorite.”

“Yeah? That's what I'm having too.” Gray registered the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around this child he barely knew. His child. Before he could assimilate to what was happening, the world as he knew it changed.

“An I . . . an I have lettuce! With the pink sauce. Do you gots to have lettuce too?”

“I don't know. Maybe.” He grinned and shook his head, wishing he could see her face. “You don't like salad?”

“Sometimes I likes it. But
no
carrots. I'm 'lerrgic.”

Gray began to laugh, warm hearty laughter that flooded through him, shoved off reality, and convinced him there were indeed better times ahead. “Me too, how 'bout that?”

“You're funny.” Her giggle made him realize how much he'd already missed.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” He floundered for words, wondering what appropriate conversation with a three-year-old looked like.

“I likes your voice,” Tess whispered. “Do you wanna come over to my house? I gots swings. An a BIG slide! Wanna come?”

“I would, Tess.” He bit down on his lip. “I'd like that a lot.”

“When? Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” More laughter slipped out of him. “Probably not tomorrow. Soon. I'll ask your mom, okay?”

“Okay. Mommy says I gotta go. So, bye.”

“Oh, okay. Bye, Tess.”

“Gray?” Tori was back, sounding a little unsure. “Are you still there?”

“Yes.” He leaned against the back of the bench and reveled in the moment. “Thank you.”

“She's a bit of a chatterbox. Kind of like someone I know.” Tori's sudden laughter charged through him, bringing new energy, warmth, and hope.

“Yeah? You think I talk too much, Tor?” Clouds moved in from the west, turning the sky dark and threatening.

“Sometimes.” She hesitated. “Gray, you sound so . . . I don't know. Different. Are you really doing all right, I mean outside of what happened today?”

“Sure.” He knew she wasn't buying it, but it was the best he could do. “How's it going there? Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

Her sigh was long and a little sad. “No, thanks. It's going okay. I got a job at a plant nursery during the day, close by the house. I like it, it's fun. And I haven't killed anything yet. My mom looks after Tess. And I . . . well, don't laugh, but I signed up for some night classes.”

“That's awesome. What are you taking?”

“Oh, just first year stuff right now. Some English and math. I think I might want to be a lawyer.”

“Seriously?” Gray wasn't surprised. She'd make a good one. “Well, you can't have too many of those in one family.”

“In whose family?”

Talk about a Freudian slip. He niggled his bottom lip and willed his brain to come up with something smart to cover up that remark, but suddenly all he could think was that he'd finally figured out what he wanted.

He just didn't know how to tell her.

“I don't know. Forget it. So, you . . . seeing anyone?” It had been a few weeks, after all, and with the way he'd been acting, it wouldn't surprise him.

“What kind of stupid question is that?”

“Well, I—”

“First of all, when would I have time? Second, why would I be remotely interested in starting a relationship with anyone when I'm just getting to know my daughter, and third—Why are you laughing?”

“Sorry.” Gray tried to control his mirth. “I'm just really glad to hear that. I mean, that you aren't seeing anyone.”

“You are?” The question confirmed what a jerk he'd been.

“Tor?”

“What do you want, Gray?”

Time stilled. If she'd asked him yesterday, even a few hours ago, he'd have a different answer. But over the course of the afternoon, and through the last few minutes of his life, things had come into focus. The only thing he wasn't sure of was what her response would be.

“A second chance.” He'd always liked to live a little dangerously.

That was exactly what he wanted.

He wanted to be with her. And Tess.

Wanted it more than anything.

“Are you still there, Victoria?”

“Yes.” Her trembling voice barely reached above a whisper.

“Are you crying?”

“Maybe.”

“Gonna stop anytime soon?”

She sniffed and gave a long sigh. “You are
such
an idiot.”

“Yep. I think I've finally clued in to that, but thanks for the reminder.” Jasper wandered up and laid his big head on Gray's knee. Gray scratched the dog behind his ears. “You have no idea how much I miss you.”

“I might have some idea. You're not starving to death, are you? Or eating junk that you shouldn't be?”

“Who me?” He wouldn't tell her about all the burgers and fries he'd been scarfing down lately. “Spinach shakes every day.”

“Liar.”

He laughed. “Okay. No shakes. But I've been going to all my meetings, and Nick is making sure I stay on the straight and narrow. Can't get anything past him.”

“Good to hear. Well. It's dinnertime. I should probably go. Do you want to call me—us—again?”

“Are you sure?” He pulled air into his lungs and prayed harder than he'd ever done in his life.

“As long as you are.”

His smile felt good. “I am. I'm one hundred percent sure.” Gray knew the road to recovery would still be long, but he was even more determined now. He'd kick this. For her. For them. “Can I ask you something?”

“You will anyway.”

Her sudden laughter pulled him from the dark shadows he'd been hiding behind and made him chuckle. “Well, I don't have to.”

“Oh, go on, now you've got my curiosity piqued.”

His voice retreated. Gray cleared his throat a couple of times and wrestled with the right words. Nerves pelted the pit of his stomach.

“I don't have all night, Mr. Carlisle.”

Dang, she was sexy when she got annoyed. “Okay, don't have a cow. Well, the thing is, I was thinking that I . . . well . . . um . . .”

“Puke it up, Gray.”

“I was wondering if I could come see you. See Tess.” He blurted out the words and wondered if she'd be able to decipher them.

Another long silence threatened to break him.

“Can I think about it?”

Air rushed from his lungs and disappointment dampened hope. “Sure.” A light rain began to fall and the wind picked up, throwing drops against his cheeks.

“I mean, she's just getting used to having me around and I . . . I need to figure out what to tell her, and whether you . . . Did you just say sure?”

“I think so?”

“You're not going to argue with me or threaten to take me to court if I don't let you see her?”

“Why would I do that?”

She gave a short laugh. “Because a few months ago that's exactly what you would have done.”

The truth galled him, but he faced it and nodded. “You're right. I'm sorry.”

“I know you are.”

“I'm sorry for all of it.” Gray leaned forward and drew in a deep breath.

They said confession was good for the soul. He'd beg to differ.

It was raking his heart across hot coals.

“I'm sorry for walking out on you when you told me about Tess. Sorry for shutting you out. For not seeing her. I know how much I hurt you. I'm not going to pretend none of that happened. But I really want to start over with you. Would you maybe . . . just consider it?” Please, God, a miracle right about now would be real sweet.

She made a sound he couldn't decipher. Gray closed his eyes and waited for her to hang up. “Tor?”

“I'm thinking.”

Relief washed over him like an unexpected wave and almost sent him to his knees. “I want to be there for you, for Tess. I want to be her father.” He smiled even though his eyes burned and his throat hurt. “Please believe that.”

“You can't change your mind, Gray.” Her voice was low and full. “If I let you into her life, you can't walk away again. Do you understand what you're asking me?”

“Yes. I do.” He tapped a foot and willed his body to stop trembling. “I've had a lot of time to think, Tor. I know what I want.”

She let out her breath in a muffled cry. “Gray. I want to trust you, but it's hard, you know?”

“I know.” And he hated himself for it. “We could maybe start with dinner. Lunch. Go to a park or something? I mean, you know, if you decide you want to see me. And if you'll let me see Tess. Because I'd really like to see her. And you.” Nothing like a little groveling to get the point across. Gray smacked his palm to his forehead.

“Okay, I get it, Gray. I'll let you know.” He heard Tess calling her in the background. “It was good to talk. I'm glad you called.”

“Actually, you called me.”

She laughed. “I'm hanging up now. Tell everyone I said hi.” She paused, sniffed again. “Gray?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember when we met and you said I'd live to regret the day I walked in and took over your life?”

Guilt punched his gut and Gray made a fist against the pain. “Yeah, I remember.” Like it was yesterday.

“You were wrong. I have no regrets.”

He sucked in air and sat in a downpour of gratitude.

Disbelief, amazement, and love flooded his heart. This was unlike anything he'd ever felt in all the time they'd been together. This was real, here, now.

His.

He'd spent years chasing down all the wrong things when the most wonderful thing in the world had been right there beside him the whole time.

And he'd let her go.

He wasn't about to make the same mistake twice.

“I love you, Victoria Montgomery. Just so you know.”

She breathed into the phone a moment and then sighed. “I kind of figured you did.”