The Tenth Song (37 page)

Finally, they reached the summit. The road suddenly widened, spreading out in the moonlight like the sea.

Kayla and Abigail hugged each other, then reached out to Ariella and Daniel.

Seth dropped to his knees, his whole body shaking.

He felt Daniel’s hand on his shoulder. “Are you all right, Seth?”

“Yes, thank you,” he said stiffly, jumping up and brushing Daniel aside.

“Really, Seth?” Kayla asked him, the back of her hand brushing his cheek.

“I did it for you, Kayla. All of it. I hope you know that. I want to see what it is you see.”

“Yes.” She nodded, wondering if he was telling the truth yet stricken with guilt anyway for all she had put him through. She had at one time thought she loved this man; that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. What was it she had seen in him? she asked herself, searching to find it again.

The first light of the breaking dawn began to spread through the darkness.
The horizon was black, then deep violet, crimson, and finally gold. They bathed in the light, like people diving into water after a drought. They held their palms upward, closing their eyes and turning their faces toward the rising sun. What had been frightening, even life-threatening, just moments before became benign, then joyful.

It was still cool, and the breaking day illuminated the still, magical vistas of ancient mountaintops, the green-black outcroppings of tenacious desert flora. In the distance, they could see the faint outline of caves embedded in the mountainsides like pencil drawings.

They picked up the pace, singing intermittently, but gradually they were overcome by weariness, dragging themselves forward. The sun rose quickly, the heat supercharged and unbearable as it beat down on their heads. It was like some gigantic hair dryer set at the maximum temperature blowing against them, Abigail thought, feeling her knees buckling.

“Mom, are you all right?” Kayla grabbed her.

Daniel quickly took her other arm. “Come, sit down here in the shade. Have some water.”

“Rav Natan says we are only a few hours away. He says we will rest now,” Ben Tzion told them. “We will reach the cave before nightfall.”

“Imagine. We are only hours away!” Ariella rejoiced. “Ben Tzion! Let’s make some coffee!”

He reached into his bag and brought out a little portable gas burner and a small pot. Soon they were resting beneath the shade of the tents, drinking the thick, sweet brew, chewing on granola cookies, pita-bread sandwiches, and apples that volunteers brought back from the supplies sent ahead.

Abigail leaned back against a large rock, exhausted, her body aching everywhere. Adam’s silent disapproval, his sense of betrayal, had pulled at her, weighing her down, she realized, making every step forward a statement of rebellion, and thus an ordeal. Still, she had no regrets. This journey had been her choice. She was anxious for it to continue, excited by her place in it and filled with curiosity and hope about what she would find at its end. But she had to admit: It had taken a toll on her.

Why did it have to be this way? She argued with Adam silently, filled with
anger and a touch of bitterness. Why did she need to stop growing to feel loved? To remain his obedient good child? Was she still that same young girl who had tossed her food money into a young man’s hands to win his approval and forestall his contempt? When was it going to end, this feeling of having to prove herself again and again to earn her husband’s love?

And it didn’t just end with Adam, she realized, startled. Every move she had ever made was calculated to win someone’s approval: her friends’ and neighbors’, her children’s, the rabbi’s, her parents’. God’s. When was it going to end? When would she be able to see herself as a finished product, something whole and beautiful, fashioned in her own image, not someone else’s?

She looked at her daughter, a flood of sudden understanding filling her heart, like the light now filled this wild uninhabited place. They had forced Kayla into the only life they’d ever known, the same life they had been forced into by their own parents. Buying that plane ticket out of it was the first real act Kayla had chosen freely to please herself. It was a real sign of growth. Why couldn’t Adam understand that?

She saw Seth curled up in the shade of one of the tents, his hand flung over his eyes, fast asleep. Nearby, Kayla sat talking intimately to Daniel, looking tired, but exhilarated.

How would I feel if they got married, settling down in this wild, unpredictable little homeland in the Middle East, so far from home? Abigail wondered, swallowing hard, close to tears. Her little girl. But it wasn’t about herself, or Adam. She loved Kayla enough to hope she would find her place, and not reach sixty before realizing how much of her precious time on earth had been frittered away chasing phantoms: other people’s dreams for her, other people’s ideals of safety and prosperity and happiness. She closed her eyes, weary with trying to figure everything out.

“Did you mean it?” Kayla asked Daniel.

“Mean what?”

“What you said back there when you took my hand. That you were ready to move forward.”

“You understood me perfectly, Kayla.” He took her hand in his, kissing it. “I will always love my first wife and my baby. They will always be a part of me, of my life.”

“Yes.” She nodded, her eyes soft with compassion.

“But something has opened up inside me. I’ve made the climb at the edge of the cliff. The road has widened. I can go forward. I must go forward.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I love you,” he whispered, winding one of her curls tenderly around his finger.

“How will we live? Will you go back to practicing medicine?”

“Will you finish your law degree?”

They looked at each other, startled into laughter.

“We have to do something in the world, no? Why not something we do well?”

“Everything you do, you do well, Kayla. Did you love the law? Was it what you wanted, expected?”

She hesitated. “At first, it was all about the terror of flunking out, the competitiveness of outranking others… But then, I began to see some things. I’ve been thinking about all my father’s been through. When you are targeted by evil, sometimes only the law can protect you from being eaten alive. Whatever else it may be about, fundamentally the law is about pursuing justice, as it says in the Bible. Of course, some people become lawyers to protect the wealthy, and to become wealthy themselves. But that is a choice. It doesn’t have to be that way. I was free to choose what kind of law I wanted to practice, what courses to take. I think I didn’t make the right choices for myself. That is also why I ran away. But it’s not too late for me to go back and correct that. What about you?”

“Medicine is not like law. There are no stays of execution. When you make a mistake, people die.”

“But how many more would die if there were no doctors? And is it always about saving lives? What about comforting the sick, and giving them hope, whatever the final outcome? What about applying skills and trying?”

He took both her shoulders in his hands and held them, looking deeply into
her eyes. “I just don’t think I can do it anymore, Kayla. I don’t think I have the courage or the arrogance to play God.”

“So, what’s next then?”

He shrugged, releasing her. “Live. As best I can. Doing whatever I can. My needs are simple and few. I can retrain. You know, being a surgeon isn’t all that different from being a plumber. The pipes get clogged, you unclog them.”

He smiled.

She didn’t.

Would it be possible? Kayla Samuels, married to a plumber, living in a little rented walk-up in unfashionable Brighton or a run-down two-bedroom in a working-class suburb of Jerusalem? She would run free legal-aid clinics, and he would fix drains. She would buy cotton dresses from discount stores, and they would go to free concerts in the park, or take long walks? She tried to look at the idea dispassionately but found she couldn’t. The old Kayla was sitting on her shoulders, horrified.

Seth opened his eyes slowly, taking a moment to focus. Where am I? he thought, his head aching almost as much as his feet. His throat was parched. From the corner of his eye, he saw Kayla. She was sitting next to Daniel. They were talking quietly and, it seemed to him, passionately. A sudden flash of hatred coursed through him for them both. The more he tried to fathom the connection between this unwashed failure and his lovely fiancée, the more unfathomable it became, and the greater his feeling of betrayal.

Had Daniel been extremely handsome or successful, he would have felt less betrayed and humiliated. But to be thrown aside for this scruffy loser with a hard-luck story? It made no sense. It was a random kick in the behind, an “anyone but you” choice. He found that unforgivable.

And then there was Mrs. Samuels! He sat up, searching for her among the resting hikers. She was supposed to be his ally! Yet she had incomprehensibly changed camps with no warning. He would never forgive her for that.

And, last but not least, what of Kayla? Did he really want her back? He was too confused to know at that moment what he would do given the opportunity, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t pursue his real goal: More than he wanted her to choose him, he realized, what he really wanted was the
status quoante
.
He wanted to be in a position to accept or reject. He wanted power and control over his fate.

He sat up, splashing water on his hands and face. He found his comb and ran it through his dusty hair. He saw Kayla raise her head, looking away from Daniel in his direction, alert to his every movement. He smiled to her, waving.

30

They gathered their things together, helping each other up, as the message went through the camp that it was time to continue. They moved slowly out of the shade, as one dips a toe into water to test its temperature. The sun had released its fierce, destructive power, leaving behind only a hint in the form of a brilliant white light that soon darkened.

The rapid transformation was mystical—even a bit frightening—to one unaccustomed to such intensity, Abigail thought. There was something strange and primordial about this place, its scents, its sound, like entering through a magic portal to a lost kingdom. Even time was altered, moving more slowly, the days and nights stretching on endlessly. She felt a shiver go up her spine. How would it have been to have died without ever having experienced this? To have lacked so much without even having realized it? If you didn’t know what you were missing, did that mean it didn’t matter? Or was it a tragedy?

The trek had taken its toll, she thought; the pains in her stomach were getting worse. All this tension, all the unaccustomed food, she thought, vowing to eat very little and to drink some of Ariella’s chamomile tea. Along with fears of her irritable bowel attacks, she had always been terrified of getting sick on a trip, far from medical care.

“I refuse to be afraid anymore,” she told herself. “It’s enough! Fifty years of
being afraid. And where has it gotten me? Did I save myself from humiliation? I was the pillar of the community until all this happened to me, something I had nothing to do with and couldn’t have prevented. So who cares if I make in my pants now?”

She smiled to herself.

“Mom, are you sure you’re all right? You don’t have to do this, you know. I’ll take you back to the camp. You can see a doctor. Don’t feel you need to prove anything.”

“Kayla, I’m fine. I’m wonderful,” she told her daughter, making herself believe it. “I feel like I could walk a million miles if I had to. Don’t let me hold you back.”

“The cave is only minutes away, just over the hill. But Rav Natan says we’re to stop and sleep until daybreak, because it’s too dark to enter at night and the artifacts are too fragile and precious to be surrounded by torches. Besides, I wanted a chance to talk to you.”

Abigail looked at her, surprised. “Sure. About what?”

“Mom, what’s gotten into you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why aren’t you trying to talk me into going back with Seth? I mean, that’s the reason you came here, isn’t it?”

Abigail said nothing.

“Mom?”

“Don’t put me on the spot, Kayla! Honestly, I don’t know what to say. I came here because your father sent me. Begged me. Put me on a plane. I did it for him, not for you.”

“So, you thought I was doing the right thing all along?”

“No. The truth is, I just didn’t care.”

Kayla inhaled, shocked. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“My darling, what it means is that I was finished mothering you, Kayla. There is just so much you can take from a child. You know we—your father and I—called you Her Majesty between ourselves.”

“I didn’t know that.” She found, surprisingly, that this hurt her deeply. “So, you didn’t care if I was throwing away my expensive education, my perfect Jewish, Harvard-educated fiancé?”

“No, I didn’t care.” She shrugged. “Maybe this will surprise you a little, darling, but I’ve been through something myself these last few months, Kayla dear. And before that, with your father’s cancer. I’ve learned about loss, and about limits. I always did what I thought was best for you. But I was ready to let go, to let you make the worst mistake of your life, if that’s what it turned out to be. I wasn’t coming out here to rescue you.”

“So, all those things you told me when you first came…”

“That’s what your father wanted me to say to you. That was my job. To get you to come back.”

“Then I’m confused. You did a very bad job!”

“I had pity on you. And your father will never forgive me for it. I betrayed him.”

“What do you mean?”

“He expected me to get you and myself on the next plane back. I told him it wasn’t going to happen. I guess that’s why he sent Seth. I guess he thought Seth would have more of an incentive. Does he?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Does he really want you back? And do you want him back? Is it love? Or is it just pride, power, jealousy, fear of poverty?”

“He says he wants me back.”

“Do you believe him?”

“Why shouldn’t I?”