The Tao of Hockey (Vancouver Vice #1) (13 page)

“
D
oes
anyone eat healthier than you?” Josie asked, eyeing my grilled chicken with three salads, as she dug a fork into her paella. She ate pretty healthy too, but she had a sweet tooth.

We were at a restaurant way out by U.B.C. that a teammate had recommended. It was far away, but driving was a pleasure tonight.

“Eating clean is a way of life. You might like me better once the season starts though. I have to increase my calories, or I’ll lose too much weight.”

She looked down at my chest. “I like your body the way it is now.”

“Wow. Was that a compliment? Either you’re mellowing, or you’re finally falling for me.” It made me happy that Josie was more relaxed these days. Her toughness was how she kept people away, but I had broken those barriers down.

“I have a great fondness for that tongue.” She watched my mouth as she said that.

“Just my tongue?”

“Hmm, maybe other parts too....”

“My brain? You like me for my brain, right?”

She laughed. “I have to admit, you’re a lot smarter than I thought a hockey player would be. Prejudice, I guess.”

“I’ve done a lot of reading. Mainly non-fiction. I like to read about psychology and philosophy.” No need to mention that I did a lot of this reading when I was trying to sort out my own mental issues on the ice. Right now, everything was on straight.

“What did you learn from all this research?”

“One of my favourite theories is about flow. You’ll like this—it’s being one hundred percent in the moment. To consistently achieve maximum performance, you need to practice your skills, study game film, learn physics and physiology, memorize your opponents’ tendencies, and a million other details. Then you forget all of it and just play. You become so absorbed in the actual playing that you’re not conscious of the calculations or facts, your body and mind are fused in performance. You lose track of everything else because you’re completely in the now.”

Josie nodded. “I like that idea. Sometimes, when I’m on the set, I feel like everything I’ve done before has perfectly prepared me for what I’m about to do. That’s a golden moment.”

We smiled at each other. The server interrupted to offer us dessert and coffee. After Josie had a Pavlova and a green tea, we got the bill. As usual, she insisted on paying for her share.

I scowled at her. “I don’t know why you have to do that all the time. I wanted to celebrate and take you out. I’ve got a decent contract now.”

“I like to be independent.”

“I know you do, I get it. So can’t we move past that? We’re going out now, so you need to relax sometimes.”

She stared at me, her lips in a straight line. Fuck, had I overstepped some line in her head? We saw each other a few times a week. I talked to her nearly every day. Maybe we never had that official relationship discussion, but we were going out. Weren’t we?

Then she smiled, and I felt a rush of relief. “You can take me out to McDonald’s sometime,” she said.

“Okay. But I don’t usually eat there.”

“Me either. But it would be worth it to see Mr. Perfect breaking his dietary vows.”

I goosed her as we walked away from the table, and she jumped.

“You think I’m perfect,” I whispered in her ear. “You’re crazy about me.”

We were holding hands as we walked out to the car. “Look at the sky,” I told her, pointing. It was darker here in the suburbs, and you could see more stars. I liked looking up at the sky and thinking that people you loved—no matter how far away—could see the same stars.

Josie looked up. Her neck was stretched out, and I bent closer and kissed it. Her short hair revealed this deep hollow on the back of her neck that I liked to kiss. I licked behind her ear, and she shivered.

“C’mere, you.” I turned her around and squeezed her in my arms. She raised her face up for a kiss, and I obliged. I pressed my lips firmly against hers and opened up her mouth. Our shared breath was warm and intimate. Maybe because of our pre-dinner 69 session, our kisses felt gentler. It wasn’t foreplay, but affection.

Her brown eyes were even more unreadable in the darkness, but her body wasn’t. Her body was relaxed and yielding against mine. Everything was so good tonight, so right.

“I used to wish on a star every night when I was a kid,” I said. I kept my arms wrapped around her warm body.

“For what?”

“To make the NHL, of course.”

Josie watched my face. “Do you still?”

“To be honest, it’s kind of automatic now. I guess I’ll keep wishing until I make it, or….” I didn’t finish that sentence, but making the NHL was never a given. Now I was one step closer, but I knew better how hard it really was.

She didn’t say anything, but I knew she was listening. That was another of the things I liked about Josie—her silences.

“It’s about fulfilling expectations. I went in the first round, and everyone always thought I would make it.”

“The first round?”

“Yeah, the NHL draft goes seven rounds. If you’re one of the top five picks—you’re a shoo-in. You’re going to play NHL hockey. Who knows for how long, but most guys will get a career. They’ll get every opportunity to make it. I went twenty-first, so I had a good shot, but no guarantees. Still, I had it all: size, skills, desire.”

“Until the car accident,” Josie said. That bluntness was another quality of hers, but one I wasn’t 100% sure I liked.

I sighed. “Yeah. Until I fucked up Gar’s life. He was drafted to be in the NHL too, same year as me.”

For some reason, sharing things with Josie didn’t make me feel as guilty. She wasn’t judgemental, and I felt that she understood me better. But thinking about Gar always made me sad.

I stayed silent, and Josie hugged me tightly. As I held her in my arms, I became conscious of a different sensation. Instead of worrying, I felt relaxed. All the nagging voices inside me were silent. In their place, I felt warmth and joy. I had searched so long for this feeling—contentment.

I was happy to be in this moment—right here, right now. Instead of always wishing for more, like the NHL, I was happy to be here with Josie and my new team. This realization bubbled up inside of me, and I felt my eyes tearing up.

“Butterfly,” Josie asked in a wondering voice. “Are you crying?”

“I’m so happy. I’ve never been this happy—like ever.”

Even when I got drafted, I was disappointed not to go higher. Everything was so easy in those days that I appreciated nothing I’d accomplished. But now I did. Now I knew how tough it was just to get to the second-best hockey league in the world.

And less than a week ago, I had screwed up, gotten drunk, and almost blown the whole thing. But Josie had been there for me. She saved me from myself. I wasn’t going to keep fucking up though. Maybe I was finally maturing, but I felt as happy as a kid.

Josie didn’t say anything. I kept on holding her. Maybe if I moved, the magic would disappear.

“Are you happy most of the time?” I wondered. She had said that thing about liking herself.

She nodded, her soft hair rubbing against my neck. “If something makes me unhappy, I change it.”

“But is that realistic? There are crappy things in life that you can’t avoid.”

She laughed. “I can. I am a huge believer in
carpe diem.
So, I get rid of the things I don’t like.”

I kissed her. Her lips opened up to me, yielding in a way her mind never did. We made out until a car door slammed nearby. Then we walked to the truck, my arm wrapped around her.

“Hey, that philosophy means you like me,” I pointed out.

“God, you’re needy,” she replied. But she was smiling.

Once we got inside the truck, I couldn’t help running my hands over the dashboard again. Maybe I had underestimated how guilty the interlock system had made me feel.

Josie smiled. “Yes. Your generic truck now looks like every other generic truck. Happy?”

“Yeah. I don’t have to start out every date explaining what the hell happened four years ago.”

Josie’s laugh was low and authentic. “I’m sure most girls don’t mind at all.”

“You know, I was totally stunned when you got out of the truck that first night.”

“Ya. That kind of thing never happens to Goldilocks.”

“I wonder if things would have turned out different if we had hooked up that first night?”

Her lips curled in that familiar way. “You spend too much time in the speculative past. We’re here now.”

The speculative past.
Even the way she talked was like poetry. From the moment I saw her, I liked her. And when she blew me off, I had to work so hard to even find her again. But it wasn’t like I had neglected my hockey, more like she gave me something else to think about. Something bigger. Hockey had been stressful for me for so long, but being with Josie had put everything in perspective.

And I was flying ever since the first night we had slept together. My game was so on point now. Being with Josie made me feel happy and confident. She was strong and smart. It felt like we were a partnership. Now I had made the team. Who knew what else I could do with her beside me?

What I felt for Josie was so different.

It was love. Real love that made anything I had felt before seem like dust. Of course, with Josie, I’d have to tell her at exactly the right time. Now that I’d be staying in Vancouver, she knew it was more than a temporary thing. And while I never knew exactly how she felt—I was sure that she cared about me too.

Josie slid across the seat towards me. “Did you forget how to start a truck without sucking on something? ’Cause maybe I could arrange a substitution.” She kissed me, then pushed my head down towards her chest. I sucked at her tit right through the thin fabric of her t-shirt and bra until she threw her head back and moaned. The noise of her desire filled the truck cab. I stopped and looked at the wet print of my mouth staining the grey fabric. Mine.

“Let’s go to your place,” I said. “This truck isn’t big enough for everything I want to do to you.”

She growled in response, but slid back to her seat and clicked her seatbelt.

We drove on without talking. A light rain had begun to fall, and the wipers were the only rhythmic sound.

I pulled up at a four-way stop, waited, and then started into the intersection. There was an explosion of glass, metal, and sound. Then nothing.

I could smell something awful and familiar. What was it? Oh yeah, the gases that inflate airbags. That smell took me right back.

“
D
ude
! That was a party.”

Gary and I walked through the woods together. Some of the other kids were camping for the night, but we both had our summer jobs the next day.

He punched me in the arm. “Who the fuck was that smoke show?”

“I dunno. Kara something. She came up from Hope.” I had been making out with this brunette chick.

“Oh shit. Sunny’s gonna have your balls if she finds out.”

“I guess. But I didn’t fuck her or anything.” Sunny was scary. She had a sixth sense for any trouble I got into. She was hot and a great girlfriend, but she was sort of controlling.

“Where is she anyway?”

“Sunny? She went to Spokane with her mom.”

“Which mom?” Sunny’s moms had split, but they were still co-parenting.

“Jennifer.”

“It doesn’t seem fair. You get Sunny, and other chicks too.”

“No biggie. Once we get to the show, we’ll be fighting off pussy with a stick.”

“I know. I can’t wait.” Gary had a big stupid grin on his face. Why was he even complaining? He’d had his share of pucks in junior.

“Rookie camp was sick.”

Gary sighed. “Yeah, but only it showed me how far I’ve got to go. Not like you, Mr. First Round superstar. Sounded like you killed it.”

Yeah, I’d had a good camp, but all the Detroit coaches had been pretty low key. They kept harping on everything it took to make the big team—and exactly what I needed to work on. The Wings had a rep for keeping guys in the minors longer than most teams, but I didn’t mind. It was a great organization, and I was so proud when they selected me at the draft.

I scolded Gar. “Boo-freaking-hoo. We’re both making it. And then when Detroit plays in Jersey, you and I are going out on the town in New York City. We’ll be popping bottles.”

“You can’t drink in the States until you’re 21.”

“Jesus Christ, stop being such an old lady. This is going to happen. It’s our dream and we’re getting closer all the time.” But he was right—I had always imagined I would make the NHL before I was legal.

“Yeah. You’re right.” Gary quieted down as he imagined all this. When we roomed together on road trips, he always wanted me to talk about the stuff we’d do someday. When we were older and had money—when we had made it.

The trail finally led to the lot where I had parked the Mustang. Gary ran his hand over the metallic blue hood.

“Your old man is sure good to you,” he said.

“Yeah.” The new car was my high school graduation present. But it was tied in with a bunch of emotional stuff. My parents had told me they were splitting up right after the draft in June. The car was my dad’s way of making things up to me. Whatever. It still felt shitty, and I would rather have had my parents together than a car.

We got in and reversed out. It was warm out, so we rolled down the windows and cranked the music. Driving like this, when there wasn’t anybody else on the road, was sweet. We headed towards the bridge.

Something ran out on the road. Was it a deer? I swerved to miss it and when the car hit the soft shoulder, I couldn’t control it anymore. It was like the Mustang was flying and spinning. I saw the dark sky and then trees. There was an explosion of glass, metal, and sound.

Then nothing.

Maybe I lost consciousness for a moment. There was a terrible stench in the air. I opened my eyes, and the airbag was crushing my chest. There were tiny bits of glass everywhere, and all my slow-functioning brain noticed was that the glass sparkled like diamonds. The airbag began to deflate, and I could move around. I started flexing my hands and arms, then my feet and legs, and I stretched out my neck. I felt okay, and I almost started to laugh. How could the car flip over, land on its side and do no damage? Then I touched my face and my hand was wet with blood. But I wasn’t in pain.

“Gar? You okay?” My ears were ringing, and I couldn’t hear his answer anyway. I looked over and saw him strapped into his seat. He was moving a little from side to side. I reached over and touched his arm, and he turned towards me. His face was all twisted up and there were tears running down his cheeks. And he was one of the toughest guys I knew.

“Fuck. What’s wrong?” I undid my seatbelt and tried to get closer without falling on him.

“Hurts.”

“Where?” Why was I even asking? It wasn’t like I was a fucking doctor. I knew I wasn’t supposed to move him though, that was one of the first things you learn on the ice. I noticed that there was blood all over him; it had soaked right through his jeans.

Nobody was going to drive by and find us. I had to call for help. My phone had been in the console, so I started searching for it. I finally dug it out from the back. The glass was smashed, but it was still working. I tried to hit the emergency key, but my hand was shaking too much. I had to breathe in and concentrate. Finally, I succeeded and heard the voice of the operator. I told her where we were and that we needed an ambulance. She stayed on the line with me, but I wasn’t even listening to her voice. I kept talking to Gar, trying to keep him from passing out.

“It’s okay. They’re coming now—the ambulance. You’re going to be fine.”

The weird sound of his moaning was terrifying. I reached down and wiped off a thin line of blood off his forehead. “C’mon, bud. Don’t forget, we’re getting together and going out in New York City. The dream, right?” I cursed myself for saying something so stupid, but it was all I could think of.

I finally heard the sirens—faintly at first—across the water. They got louder as the ambulance drove across the bridge. It was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard.

“They’re almost here. Hang in there.”

After a fucking eternity, the paramedics got Gary strapped into the stretcher. They loaded him into the back of the ambulance and told me to get in as well.

Gary lay there with an oxygen mask on his face. I couldn’t hear his moaning any more. They had given him something for the pain, but he wasn’t unconscious and his eyes kept fluttering open.

I got up and patted his shoulder. “You’re gonna be okay, Gar.” I kept saying the same thing over and over, but it was all I could think of.

“Sit down,” the paramedic commanded. “You can help your friend more by strapping in so we can get going.” He had gone to my high school, but he was a few years older. His name was Buck or Brock or something.

“He’s going to be okay, right?” I sat, but stretched to squeeze Gary’s hand. I wasn’t sure if it was to make him feel better or me.

Brock shrugged. He kept talking to the hospital, but I didn’t understand what he was saying, it was all numbers and medical terms. Gary sighed and closed his eyes. His hand went limp and I let go of it.

I put the seatbelt on. I felt cold and wrapped my arms around myself. Once Brock got off the radio, he handed me a tissue and motioned towards my face. I realized I was crying. And from the dampness of the tissue, I had been crying for ages. A tear fell onto my jeans, but I couldn’t feel my own tears. In fact, I could hardly feel anything at all.

When I unclenched my hand, I noticed my palm was a criss-cross map of bloody lines. But I felt fine—it was all Gary’s blood. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had to be all right.

By the time we got to the hospital, both Gary’s parents and mine were already there. My mom grabbed me and hugged me tightly, even though I still had blood all over me.

“I’m sorry, Audrey. We’re going to have to examine Eric first.” The emergency nurse pulled us apart. It was Carol Ford, a neighbour of ours, and I wondered why she was being so harsh.

My dad was watching, his arms crossed and his face tense.

“Sorry, Dad. The car’s totalled.”

He nodded, and my mom answered for him. “That doesn’t matter, dear. As long as you’re okay.”

“I feel fine.” I could tell by the expression on her face that she didn’t believe me. Was I still crying?

The nurse guided me through a doorway. “Eric, let’s go in here.”

“We’ll be right here, son,” my dad said.

It didn’t take them long to clean up all the cuts on my face and arms. No stitches or anything. The doctor warned me that I was going to have some major bruising from the airbag. Then he and the nurse left, and two R.C.M.P. officers walked in.

I was still wiping tears away in this bizarre state of shock. I knew one of the officers. “Hey, Sergeant Burton.”

He nodded but didn’t smile. “Eric. This is Constable Schmidt.”

“Hi,” I said, but Constable Schmidt looked even more stern and didn’t respond. “Do you guys know how Gary is?”

Sgt. Burton shook his head. “We’re going to have to ask you a few questions about the accident.”

“Sure.”

He went through everything, step by step. How long we were at the party, our estimated speed on the highway, the deer, and how the accident happened.

“Eric, when there’s a serious accident like this—late and after a party—we have to find out if you were driving impaired.”

“I wasn’t. I felt fine.”

“Still, we have to test you.” He brought out a squarish black box with a protruding tube. “Take a deep breath, and blow in here.”

I did, and then he and Constable Schmidt looked at the reading. Sgt. Burton frowned at me.

“Did you smoke any marijuana tonight?”

I shook my head. “What’s my reading?”

Nobody answered right away. Finally Constable Schmidt said, “It’s .052.”

“What’s the limit?”

“It’s .049.”

“So, that’s hardly over. I told you, I felt fine to drive.”

“Son, we’re testing you at least an hour after you got in the car. That means it was higher when you started driving. In addition, you’re still in the graduated driving program. Since you don’t have your full licence yet, the penalties will be stiffer.”

I put my head in my hands. This night was so fucked.

I
told
my parents what had happened with the police. My dad probably wanted to lecture me, but even he could see how exhausted I was. My eyes were aching, but the weird crying had finally stopped. I went home with my mom. Gary was in surgery, and the staff said to come back in the morning to visit him. They still wouldn’t tell us anything about how he was.

In the morning, my mom dropped me off at the hospital on her way to work. Sgt. Burton said my driver’s licence was suspended indefinitely. I finally found Gary’s room; his parents were still there. Gary was asleep.

“How is he?”

Gary’s mom turned and looked at me. She was a sweet lady, but now her face was drawn and unsmiling.

“Get out,” she hissed.

I backed out and then leaned against the wall outside his room. How stupid was I not to realize that I was the one to blame for Gary being injured? I didn’t think I was drunk, but legally I was. The fact that I wouldn’t ever hurt my best friend didn’t mean shit.

I sank down into a squat. I had done this to him. Whatever his injuries were—I still had no fucking clue how he was.

“Eric!”

I looked up, and Sunny was running towards me, her long blonde hair streaming behind her. She looked like an angel. I stood up, and she threw her arms around me.

“Are you okay? We came back as soon as I heard what happened.” I felt a rush of relief at seeing her beautiful face again—like things could get back to normal somehow.

“I’m okay. But Gary’s not.”

She looked me over and squeezed my arms as if she was making sure I was still in one piece. “Are you sure you’re okay? I heard your car flipped.”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Cuts and bruises, that’s it.”

Sunny’s mom caught up to us. She looked me over expertly as she was a nurse in this very hospital. “You’re a lucky boy.”

“I know. Jennifer, can you find out how Gary is? Nobody will tell me, and I’m going crazy not knowing.”

She glanced at Sunny first, then nodded. “Why don’t the two of you go down to the cafeteria—no, better yet, go to the coffee shop across the street. I’ll ask around and meet you there. Sunny, you haven’t eaten a thing today. Now that you can see that Eric is fine, have some breakfast.”

She nodded and took me by the hand. Once we got outside, I wrapped my arms around her. I bent down and leaned my forehead against hers. I closed my eyes. My body trembled slightly and she reached up and wrapped her arms around my neck.

“God, Eric—when I heard you were in a car accident, I was so scared. If anything happened to you….”

“Shine, it’s so good to have you here. I feel like I’m in some horrible nightmare and I can’t wake up.”

She tilted her mouth towards mine, and I kissed her. My mouth was hungry for hers. I wanted her so bad. It was like all the stress, fear, and worry of the past twelve hours was churned up into this desperate need to fuck and to feel alive. I ground my erection into her body.

Finally, she pushed me away. “Eric, stop. My mom will be back anytime.”

“Sorry. I need you real bad.”

“Um, yeah. I can tell. But it’s not the time or place.”

“It’s like you’re the only real thing in my life now.”

She smiled and led me across the street. The place was half-full, and as soon as we walked in, everyone went suddenly quiet. Before, people couldn’t stop coming up and congratulating me on the draft or rookie camp, but now they turned away. We sat at a back table. Sunny had a muffin and coffee, but she only picked at her food.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Not really.” I didn’t want to relive this thing. “But there’s one thing you should know. I’m going to get charged with a DUI.”

“Oh no, are you sure?”

“Yeah. Fuck.”

“What does that mean? Can you still drive?”

“I have no clue. I’ve been too worried about Gar to figure out all the shit I’m in.”

Her mother walked in, ordered a coffee and an identical bran muffin, and sat with us. She had a sip of coffee and frowned at me. “Eric, were you driving drunk last night?”

“Mom, stop it.” Sunny pulled on her mother’s arm. “Eric already told me about this. He’s been through enough without you starting in on him.”

“Really? Because if my daughter is getting driven around by someone with judgement that poor, I think this is my business.”