The Symbolon (12 page)

“Please! Alex, there
must
be another solution! You said something about a dissolution. What about that?”

Alex slumped back into the chair and gulped down another glass of champagne. “Val, do you know how long we have been looking for Jonah? If Kristiana wants to hide, she can be
gone forever.”

“Let’s go back to the council!”

Alex shook his head. “The decision was to address it at the next council meeting.”

“Next year?” she said with a trace of hope.

“No.”

“When Alex? When is the next council meeting?”

He couldn’t look at her. “When is it, Alex?”

“Five hundred years from now.”

She felt the despair building and she went back and curled up onto his lap. He held her tightly as she sobbed. Then he carried her to the bedroom and they curled together, while Valeria wept in his arms and hung on with all that was in her.

Finally
, she spoke softly, hope creeping into her heart, “If Kristiana can disappear, so can we.”

“No,
my love.” He shook his head sadly as he stroked her face. “It isn’t just us; The Law of Nevia affects the entire family. Every member of our family will be put to death if we disappear. That’s why they left tonight.”

“I can never see them again?”

“It will be…as if we never existed in your life,” he whispered, tormented. “Val, we cannot, under any circumstances, contact each other. No letter or notes. No phone calls. And no one in the family can reach out to you.” He fought the pain. “Val, you need to know this. If I ever see you at a council meeting, I cannot speak to you. I cannot acknowledge you. But that is the only place I will ever be permitted to run into you. Do you understand?” She sobbed harder.

Suddenly
, desperation took hold, and he kissed her with everything that was in him as he looked into her face, so lost. In a desperate plea, he whispered, “Make love to me tonight.”

They hastily
pulled at the silk and cotton that kept them apart as their mouths and hands hungrily ripped at buttons and zippers and hooks and frantically wrapped around each other as the layers came off, still desperately desiring flesh upon flesh. Until, at once, a loud cry escaped her throat and her body succumbed to her grief. Alex held her tightly, unable to speak.

Finally he choked, “I love you, Val. I always will.
No matter what…
no matter what!
”

They held each other until the first hint of daylight creased the sky. Valeria’s sobs had worn down to trembling torments in his arms. She repeatedly traced the mark on his hand, while clinging tightly to him, until she briefly dozed.

When she awoke, moments later, she felt a sudden panic that he had left. Her cry rang out and he came to her, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. She sobbed for a few moments in his arms and then he forced himself to release her and stand.

His face was ashen
as he said, “I have to go.” He swallowed, taking in the vision of her. “You can stay here at the estate as long as you want; forever if you wish.” He swallowed again. “Or you can go back to the cottage…I built it for you.”

She couldn’t have this conversation
. “The…the cottage?” Her voice was rough and foreign. “Are we…we’re,” she cringed, “we’re
dividing things?
” With her voice flat, she said, “I guess…we have to.” She began to weep. “But I couldn’t be there…without you.”

Numbness gave her a moment
of reprieve. “But,” she cleared her throat, still locked in this surreal world, “Alex…is it okay…can I go there to…to get my things?” She wasn’t certain she could even bear it. But she couldn’t stand the thought of never going there again either. She knew that, someday, she would have wished for that opportunity to be where they lived happily together for such a short, but glorious time.

“Take your time. Do what you need.”

She heard her voice come out in a whisper,
“Please don’t give up.”

He stood there, fighting back the sobs
, and finally said, “There…there is no hope.” Then he turned and started to walk out. He stopped himself in the doorway, his fists tightened as he battled the demons he needed to battle and clasping the entryway for a moment. He turned to her and said, “There’s something I have to tell you.”

His voice was breathless…his jaw clenched, as the sobs broke. “I don’t…” He drew a deep breath
. “Val, I don’t want you to be lonely…. I know you will be…for a while. And…” He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering strength. “I’m so angry with Paolo, I could…” He nodded, realizing that what he was about to say was true.
“I could kill him.”
He fought back the sobs. “But…I won’t.

“Val, he
will
work his way back into your life. Paolo knows how to do that. And, well, the thing is...” His jaw quivered. He wondered how he could possibly say it. But he had to. “Paolo
did love you.
He could…be there for you, again.”

Her stomach heaved and she ran for the bathroom as waves of nausea overtook her, but nothing came up. She sat by the toilet and sobbed, “
Don’t tell me that!”
she screamed. “Don’t tell me he loved me! He couldn’t love me and do this.” Her body shook violently and then she crumbled to the floor with a loud sob as dry heaves convulsed her body.

He pulled her into his arms waiting until the heaving stopped, and carried her back to the bed. “Val,” Alex whispered through his sobs, “I know you can’t hear this now. But it’s the only chance I’ll have…and
, Paolo did love you. I think…I think he was a good husband to you. And I think you loved him.” Alex shook his head. “When you died, he grieved deeply. Paolo and I mourned together. So you don’t need to hate him. Live your life. Find a way to be happy. We both need to do that.”

Alex kissed her forehead and then her
mouth, memorizing it. Then he whispered hoarsely, through his sobs, “Be happy, my love.”

And he left.

Valeria closed her eyes, knowing that her life would never be full or happy again. She had to block out the thought…pretend it wasn’t happening. She grabbed his shirt that was lying on the bed next to her and pulled it on over her undergarments pretending that she would wake and he would be there. Because she certainly could never just let him walk away from her…
she could never do that
. Concentrate, she thought…make him here with you. This is a nightmare and you’ll wake up and he’ll be here and it’ll be your wedding day and…
How could she let him leave?

Then she heard the front door close…
Oh, God! It was real!
Her heart dropped into her gut, realizing she might never see him again. She ran down the stairs after him, terrified that she was too late.

He walked quickly, not trusting himself. Alex made a gesture to the driver before he reached the water taxi and the engine revved. He stepped onboard and stood facing out to sea—he couldn’t look back
.

She ran down the steps and the short hallway, racing out the door, just as the boat pulled away. With sheer desperation
, she dashed down the walkway that was to have been her aisle, wearing only his shirt, not caring who saw her. She ran toward him as the boat began to pull around the corner and out of her view. Then the boat hesitated and she saw him signal for it to continue.

Tossing 500 euros at the driver, he said, through his agony, “No matter what I say
, don’t go back.”

He couldn’t look
back, it was far more than he could bear. Tears covered his face as he wondered how he had searched for her for an eternity…
and now was just leaving her.

As the boat edged the corner, she felt the sound that sprang from her gut in an agonized scream,
“Alex!”
She sprinted toward the dock and then collapsed on the lawn…unable to bear to see him turn the corner.

He heard the cry and he knew he shouldn’t go back…knew he couldn’t. Don’t look…don’t…he told himself. He would only have to leave again…how could he leave her
again
? The boat had rounded the corner and the house was now out of sight. He had done the unthinkable—the unbearable—he had left her…alone again in the world. Don’t look, he told himself. Don’t go back…

Within heartbeats, he gave the only instructions that he could and the boat pulled back toward the house. It was still five feet from the dock of
his island home, the driver smiling happily with the thousands of euros that now laid on the dash, when Alex leapt onto the dock.

The steps to her were but a few sprints and then she was in his arms. He held her tightly, kissing her face, her forehead, her hair, her mouth. They held on
to each other, as agonized sobs moved through both of them, both knowing it was truly for the last time.

H
e removed his dark gray jacket and lovingly wrapped it around her. He shook his head in agony, and they looked into each other’s eyes. There were no words…no words… He stood and walked back to the boat.

She knew it was better if she didn’t look. She knew that the last memory she would have of her beautiful life with him
would be of him leaving. Unable to stop herself, this time she watched.

As the boat was about to go out from view, he turned to her. Even from the distance
, she could see the haunted look in his eyes. And then he was gone.

For Valeria, life stopped at that moment. She thought maybe she should have followed him. She thought maybe she should have forced Paolo’s hand. Then the outcome might have been different. She thought about drinking too much. She thought about throwing herself into the sea.

After he left
, she went down to the beach and laid in the sea with the cold tidal waters washing over her for hours in an attempt to numb the pain…until her ferocious shivers made her wonder what would happen if she died there. Then it occurred to her what it would do to him if he came back and found her like that. She couldn’t bear to do that to him. She pulled herself up, wet and shaking violently from the cold water, and walked back to the house and up to their honeymoon suite.

It would be a relief to stop the pain with alcohol or drugs
, but in the end, she just layed between the sheets where Alex had been with her. His clothes and all of his belongings were still just as he had left them. If she moved his things, her memory of the room would be of him gone…her world without him. She could still close her eyes and feel him moving through the room to her, and smell his wonderful scent. Maybe if she slept more, she would wake up to find he was here with her and it had all just been a nightmare. Oh, please God, make that be so!

There were a number of signs that life was going on outside of that bed. She was vaguely aware of the doorbell ringing several times. Valeria’s mouth was dry and she pulled Alex’s glass of flat champagne off the nightstand and drank it. She savored the feeling of being near him with that action.

There was a girl who was standing in the light from the window. It was late afternoon; Valeria could tell by the angle of the sun.

The young girl was speaking softly to her in another language encouraging her to drink a glass of green liquid that she held. Valeria turned her head, but the girl insisted. Deciding that she was thirsty, she drank the concoction. It tasted bitter, but it seemed to quench her thirst
. Then she wondered, momentarily, if she had been poisoned or drugged and the pain would stop. The girl was encouraging Valeria to get out of bed. She shook her head, but the girl insisted, so Valeria got up, her sheets and clothes still damp from earlier. Following the girl into the bathroom, Valeria discovered that the tub had been filled, though she hadn’t even heard it.

Normally
, she would have wanted privacy, but she didn’t care now. The girl helped her undress and Valeria stepped into the tub. The girl began washing Valeria’s hair. It felt good and it reminded her that she was alive…at least a part of her was. She was grateful for this girl and at least made an attempt to fight the constant sobs that wracked her body. She stepped out of the tub and the girl wrapped her in a warm robe.

Wandering through the house
, she felt its emptiness; there was the chair Lars had sat in reading a book on construction. There was the counter where she and Camille had prepared a salad; Ava would pick up the mushrooms as soon as Valeria sliced them into the bowl, and Camille would occasionally reach over to slap Ava’s hand and they had all laughed. Was that only yesterday? Tavish and Daphne had played chess at the table by the window. There was the spot, at the foot of the stairs, where Alex had stood with so much love and hope in his eyes, just one day before! This all haunted her now.

The girl seemed to be telling Valeria that she should go outside. Valeria took her purse and unzipped it to grab her sunglasses. She froze
. Alex had stuffed her purse with a large amount of cash, at least 50,000 euros. It made her heart leap to see something he had done and made the quivers and sobs return. She wondered whether she should leave the cash here or at the cottage. But thinking was not something she could do right now and thinking about leaving either of those places was just too much.

Pulling her sunglasses on
, she walked to the door and saw a white garment bag in the hallway. Something made Valeria turn to look at it, as she brushed her fingers over her mouth. She saw the tag from the shop in Venice where, just days before, she and Alex had purchased her wedding gown. Was today the day? She tried to think. Yes, it must have been today…her wedding day.

Slowly unzipping the bag, she saw the rich off-white silk
-crepe and remembered the feel of it…how he had looked at her in it. She closed her eyes for a few seconds and then pulled the dress out of the garment bag. What life would be like if she were wearing that dress today for him! She stepped outside and saw the changes. The arbor was gone and the tables and chairs had been put away. All the help had been notified…efficient Camille! But somehow, the dress had gotten by. Valeria guessed that the assistant must have insisted on delivering it, perhaps hoping for another large tip.

Valeria took the dress and
, rolling it up casually so that it didn’t drag on the ground, she carried it with her outside. She walked on the patio to the wine cooler that had been stocked days earlier for the celebrations and took out a bottle of champagne. She walked barefoot across the lawn, carrying the bottle toward the shore.

The young girl didn’t seem to want her to drink the champagne but Valeria didn’t care. She went to the Adirondack chairs near the water, where she had sat curled up on Alex’s lap the first night they were there. She could still imagine that he was there with her. She clung to her wedding dress while opening the champagne
. It spilled on her dress and her bathrobe. When the girl tried to take the dress, Valeria was surprised to hear a fearful sound come from her own throat. Then she sat back in the chair and soaked in the warmth of the sun. It would have been a perfect wedding day, she thought. Then she fell back asleep.

When she awoke
, everything felt very surreal. It felt like a nightmare that she couldn’t wake from. Valeria knew she needed to pack up and move out of this family house and then go to their home in Trento…
their home
. How could she move out of the only real home she had ever known? Where would she go?

She thought of Florence. But that seemed too close to Alex and her family…the family
, she reminded herself, since they were no longer
hers
. And she knew that if she was in Italy, she would not be strong enough…she would feel compelled to drive up to Trento sometimes. She decided that she would move back to her brownstone in New York. At least she liked it there, and it didn’t remind her as much of Alex. Weege had been taking care of most things, so it should still be in good shape. All of these decisions felt cold and final to Valeria, like a death…hers.

When Valeria awoke again, she felt movement around her. Opening her eyes, she realized that it was now early evening…she would have been dancing with Alex, perhaps their first dance. Then she saw an older woman of sixty with a crop of short white hair and eyes of deep oracle blue. She was kindly directing the girl to bring something. Valeria saw a tray on the table next to them with cheese, crackers
, and fruit.

“Hello
, dear,” she said in a friendly voice. “I’m Shinsu.” She looked to Valeria. “I know. It doesn’t sound Greek at all. Gosh I’ve gone most of my existence with people thinking I’m Chinese when they hear my name! Mother had very unusual likes and dislikes. But I guess it fits me. I’m a bit unusual…or, so I’m told.”

Shinsu went on, “So! What a mess! The one council meeting I miss in millenniums and they make a decision like that!” She turned her head in irritation and then shook her finger
. “I hold Jeremiah responsible! Sure, those boys get themselves into trouble. But come now—the Law of Nevia? For a nice girl like you? All they had to do was open their eyes to see that neither you nor Alex have a malicious bone in your body! You know that was the purpose of that law, for maliciousness!

“So, go ahead. Tell Su-su all about it.” She signaled that Valeria should begin.

Valeria didn’t answer. Her vision was blurry and she couldn’t imagine someone was really there talking to her. It must be another dream.

“I guess you’re not quite up to it yet,” she said calmly. Then she shook her head in irritation
. “What were they thinking leaving you alone here like this? As soon as I heard, I told Jeremiah that he may as well make use of her!” Shinsu eyed the young woman who was helping. “Thank goodness I found out when I did!” She shook her head again.

Valeria wasn’t ready to engage in any conversation, but she wanted to know
, “Alex?” Her voice felt awkward and strained. Just saying his name caused an enormous well of tears in her eyes.

Shinsu shook her head
. “Alex is a mess.” She looked at Valeria. “And you think you’re bad off!” She rolled her eyes.

Looking down at the stained silk in her lap, Valeria again remembered Alex’s face when she had tried on the dress and choked into soft sobs.

Shinsu leaned in matter-of-factly. “Yes. I heard about all of it. That must be the dress, huh? Pretty.” She shrugged and said gently, “Well, you can’t really marry someone when they are married to someone else.” She looked off and rolled her eyes. “Unless you are Jeremiah and then, by God, you will find a way!” she huffed. Shinsu picked up the tray and looked at it unhappily, eyeing the young woman who had arranged it. She reorganized it and pushed it toward Valeria. “Here, eat some.” Valeria didn’t guess that Shinsu would take “no” for an answer so she took a cracker. She played with it, breaking it into tiny pieces, as she had learned to do in the foster homes she grew up in, so that no one knew how little she ate.

The girl brought Valeria and Shinsu something to drink and Valeria soon noticed the odd relationship between the two women. Shinsu said something directly to the girl in the Polynesian language that seemed to irritate the girl. The girl tried to argue and Shinsu shut down the argument in a very calm tone and then indicated that the girl could go.

“At least I have the title of senior wife.” Shinsu rolled her eyes. “That’s the least I should get after over a thousand years of marriage!” she huffed. “My one gift is that she’ll look like she’s a thousand years old in just a few decades.” She sighed and then said something else to the girl.

Valeria’s eyes narrowed in question and Shinsu seemed to understand the question.

“I know. Different rules for different immortals. Doesn’t seem right does it? Well, rules—schmools. Don’t let them fool you! The council does what they want to do! But don’t you worry. It’ll be straightened out at the next council meeting! I’ll make certain of that!” Shinsu saw that she had upset Valeria by her comment. “Oh, dear! I know 500 years seems like a long time, but it’s really not.” She sighed. “Trust me! It’ll be like a day or two when you are my age!”

Although Valeria wasn’t in the mood for company or talking, Shinsu was a link to Alex and the family and she couldn’t give it up. Shinsu got up and walked to Valeria. “Now
, come on, dear. Hand me that gorgeous dress,” she said and Valeria found herself handing the dress to Shinsu. “And that’s not doing you
any
good!” Shinsu said, indicating the champagne. Valeria handed her the bottle and then Shinsu walked into the house with the bottle and the dress and returned with a blanket.

“So
. here’s the thing, dear. We have these bodies that are immortal, right?” Shinsu said, as she tucked the blanket around Valeria. “But here’s the secret.” Her eyes sparkled. “It isn’t the body that is immortal!” Valeria looked at Shinsu in total confusion. Seeing this, Shinsu tried again. “Our bodies are like everybody else’s. It’s what
we
oracles
do with them that’s different.”

This was too deep of a conversation for Valeria but Shinsu continued. “We all have the same carbon engines!” she said. “It’s our spirit that makes us different.” Shinsu studied Valeria
. “I thought you should know that, dear. And here’s the thing—Alex needs you to be all right. He needs your endowment of life force. So you need to pull yourself together, girl!”

Valeria felt like she was emotionally trapped at
the bottom of a well, with no way to climb out. Shinsu went on, “When you are ready, you need to get things done. You need to move your body.” Shinsu lifted a finger toward Valeria. “And you will find solutions come to you, just like that!” Shinsu snapped her fingers. She brushed her fingers through Valeria’s hair. “You know, time is just an illusion of motion.” She shook her head. “I don’t know why I’m telling YOU that.”

Shinsu sighed
. “Girl, you can’t solve anything from where you are at right now!” She looked into Valeria’s eyes. “Be the solver! You can solve this whenever you decide! But it takes you forcing yourself into someplace other than grief…” She narrowed her eyes. “Or apathy. Get angry. That’s okay for now. Move the body some more. Look around. Get outside of that gorgeous head of yours! Just doing that will change your future!” Shinsu patted Valeria’s leg. “You are considerably stronger than you think you are! I promise!” She winked and her eyes sparkled with life.

A soft breeze moved by her and Valeria closed her eyes, drifting off into a dreamless slumber. When she awoke it was night and she felt the coolness of the air. No one was there, except the girl in the house. The woman, Shinsu
, must have been a dream or a hallucination. She noticed how brilliant the stars were from this part of the island. She could even see the Southern Cross. She had always wanted to see it. Valeria saw a brief picture of how this night might have been—the twinkling lights, the dance floor, her beautiful husband in her arms. Alex, her husband for eternity...in her bed, making love to her.