The Surrogate (38 page)

~~~~~~~~

Nikolas spent a broken night, but his terrors were eased quickly enough by a touch on the hand or a whispered word. The congestion was the thing troubling him, and when mistress Gerde returned the following day, she insisted he had to use the inhalations and pungent creams to clear it. He was permitted to get out of bed and walk around, but he had little strength, his fever returning and his cough becoming tiring.

The wisewife dropped in again on her way back from Hamer, and despite appearances, avowed herself satisfied that Nikolas was growing no worse. “But it’ll be a little while before he’s mended. A week or more. We must avoid his lungs becoming putrid. I spoke to the healers in the town. They told me to continue as we are.”

“
Mistress, I have to teach tomorrow. There’ll only be Severin here.”

“
Hmmm.” She frowned as she thought. “Then I’ll send my daughter along in the afternoon for a few hours. That’s as much as I can do—we’re busy at the farm, and the lad isn’t in danger.”

Jaime thanked her, and hoped Nikolas’ fever and terrors would soon ease so that he didn’t need a night attendant. They all needed their rest.

Seve took over as much of the night watch as he could, which made Jaime feel terribly guilty, but he couldn’t teach when he was exhausted. He promised to get home as quickly as possible.

“
After you speak to Jaap Ekinze,” Seve said, snatching a quick breakfast with him before Jaime had to leave. Nikolas was asleep, and for once, entirely peaceful. But it had been a long night for both of them, and Seve looked drawn and tired.

“
I’ll speak to him but not encourage him to visit. Not yet. And I’ll see if I can swap some of my lessons. I haven’t asked before, so I think they’ll allow it. I’m sorry you have this burden, Seve love.”

Seve shrugged. “It could just as easily have been you or me taken ill. It’s tiresome, but it’s not forever.”

Jaime bent over and kissed him. “Still, I’m grateful. I’ll be home as soon as I can. I’ll hitch a lift.” He preferred to walk, but he could save half an hour if he was lucky, and that would give Seve a chance to get some rest.

Unfortunately, it was one of his longer teaching days, and it was four before he could call a halt and rush out of the building. He still had the house of Ekinze to visit, and more liniment to collect from the herbalist’s. Annoyingly, the order wasn’t ready, even though he’d requested it in the morning before he’d gone to the academy. He was forced to wait a good twenty minutes, and he was impatient and cross as he walked out of the shop.

He almost immediately barrelled into someone, and so annoyed was he, that he was ready to curse them soundly, until he realised he had collided with a blowsy young woman. Someone whose face he knew.

“
Oh! You’re Niko’s friend,” she exclaimed, recognising him at the same time.

Misha? Masha, that was it. “Yes, that’s right,” he cautiously admitted. The last time he’d seen her had been when he’d collected the parcel of drugs from the inn.

“
How is he?”

“
He’s well,” he lied. “Please excuse me, I have to....”

“
Oh. It’s just me and Syere were worried. We haven’t seen him in a couple of days. His room’s not been used either, we checked.”

Jaime blinked. “I beg your pardon. Nikolas hasn’t been to Hamer in weeks. He’s staying at my house.”

She frowned, clearly puzzled at his words. “He was here three days ago. He’s been staying with us every night for the last three weeks. Paid coin for it too, since he’s not doing any work. Comes in just before we close for the night, leaves at dawn. Syere did wonder what he’s been up to—we thought it was to avoid that grumpy father of his.”

Jaime stared at her. “You must be mistaken. You mean Nikolas Ekinze, yes?”

“
Niko the locksmith? Blond, green-eyed, kisses like....”

“
Yes, that’s him,” he said hastily. “My apologies, but I’ve got to...got to get home.”

“
Of course. If you see Nikolas, you tell him Masha misses him.” She leered and he flushed. “Tell him his first night back’s on the house. He’ll know what it means.”

“
I’m sure,” Jaime said stiffly, then stalked off. He deliberately didn’t go in the direction of the locksmith’s shop. He didn’t think he could speak to anyone just now.

He was lucky with a lift, and was walking up the front path to the house within half an hour of the ill-starred encounter with the friendly Masha. Gerde’s fourteen-year-old daughter was sitting with Nikolas—he bid her leave, with his thanks. Seve, he learned, was lying down, trying to sleep. Good, because he wanted a quiet word with their slippery friend about all this.

Nikolas was very pale, and his breathing was still clogged. “How was your day?” he asked in a throaty voice as Jaime sat down.

“
As usual. I met someone afterward though, as I collected the liniment. A young lady called Masha.” He didn’t miss the furtive look in Nikolas’ eyes. “Have you really been walking four miles there and back every night? Sleeping at the inn?” The sudden colour in Nikolas’ cheeks owed nothing to his cold. He nodded, and looked down at his lap, hiding his eyes. “Why? Is the bed not comfortable? Is there something we’re not providing?”

“
No.”

“
Then why? This is why you’re sick, isn’t it? You walked all that way in the bloody rain and this is the result! How stupid can you be, Nikolas?”

His friend clenched his hands, held them against his chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“
You should be, putting us to this trouble! Making yourself so ill, how does that benefit anyone?”

“
I’m sorry. I’m sorry....” Nikolas squeezed his eyes shut, and held his hands tighter against himself.

“
Jai, stop.” A hand descended on his shoulder. Jaime looked up—Seve, with a solemn expression. “I’ll deal with this.”

“
Seve, do you know what...?”

“
Yes. I said—I’ll deal with this. Please leave the room.
Now
.” And then his lover actually stood guard until he did so.

Why was he suddenly the villain? He stood staring at the closed door, his hands clenching and unclenching in his angry confusion, waiting for Seve to return and apologise, but the door remained stubbornly closed. Finally Jaime turned and stalked out to the garden. At least Seve’s plants weren’t going to judge him.

~~~~~~~~

Seve went back to the bed and sat on the chair beside it. Nikolas was still in pain, and trying to avoid Seve’s gaze.

“
Let me have them,” Seve said, putting his hand out.

“
Just leave me alone.”

“
Nikolas—let me ease the pain, and then talk. There’s no reasoning with you when you’re like this.”

He put his hand on Nikolas’ own and tugged gently, and perhaps because they had had weeks of working on this together, Nikolas allowed the liberty. The liniment was out of reach and Seve didn’t want to risk losing contact to fetch it—instead, he just used his fingers, his touch, and a by now habitual calm approach that always seemed to work wonders on Nikolas’ moods. This time, it was harder work. Nikolas was fighting him as much as the pain.

He ignored the sullen scowl, the lack of co-operation, and marvelled at his own patience, because he’d never been one to put up with nonsense before. But he’d heard Jaime’s words, and knew, as his lover did not, how deeply hurt Nikolas must feel. Jaime didn’t know what it was to be in love with him. Seve and Nikolas were united by their shared adoration of the same man. The irony was almost amusing.

He waited until the pain in Nikolas’ expression died a little, although it was still clear the man wished he could be alone. “Jaime would never have wanted you to make yourself sick just to not take the drugs,” he said quietly.

“
I
wasn’t
trying to make myself sick,” Nikolas said, expression sulky and resentful.

“
But why hide the nightmares? It’s not like we didn’t know you were having them.”

“
Ask Jaime why he hid his tears in the temple.”

Seve didn’t understand, but he didn’t want to bring Jaime back into the room to ask him just now. “Do you think we’d think less of you?”

“
He
already does. You lied to me. Both of you. You told me you needed me. That’s why I agreed to come out here. But you don’t need me.” With a hard tug, he pulled his hands free, then hid them under the blankets.

“
It was no lie, and you’ve proved the truth of it every day you’ve been here, Nikolas,” Seve said, fixing him firmly with his gaze. “The time you’ve been here is the happiest I’ve spent since we got free.”

“
That’s Jaime, not me.”

“
Jaime and I would probably be dead now if not for you.” Nikolas went very still, staring at him with wide, reddened eyes. “At least I would, because I was ready to cut my throat, it had got that bad. I admit, I didn’t really want you here. But now I bless the day Jaime decided you had to come here. If that’s lying to you, then I’m sorry. But I’m not lying when I say I don’t want you to leave. And neither of us want you to suffer to hide your weaknesses from us. Is it just your pride?”

“
I....” Nikolas coughed again, and seemed to choke. Seve helped him to some water, then Nikolas slumped back against the pillows. “I can’t escape that place. My dreams, the pain...your pity. My father’s pity, his worry. I used to be...my own man. No one pitied me. Now I’m what Minas made me.”

“
We’re all what Minas made us,” Seve said. “But we’re fighting it, with each other’s help. So why resist our help when you’ve helped us so much?”

“
You can’t help,” Nikolas said bleakly. “Only two things work—sex and the drugs. Jaime won’t let me have them, so I need privacy. Take that from me too and I’ll go mad.”

“
We won’t let that happen. I promise, Nikolas,” he said, reaching over and touching his shoulder. “If you need the drugs, or the privacy, you shall have them. Jaime or no Jaime.”

“
It’s his home.”

“
It’s
our
home. For now at least.” Nikolas gave a little shrug, then began to move. “What are you doing?”

“
Getting up,” he said impatiently. “I’m not a cripple, and I’m sick of the bed.” He stopped to cough, but pushed away Seve’s helping hands. “Leave me be. Go speak to Jaime. Make your peace with him.”

Seve shook his head at the man, but acknowledged that he needed to speak to his lover—but not just to make his peace with him.

He couldn’t find Jaime in the house, and at first, didn’t think of the garden, but when he finally did, he found him sitting on their bench, under an apple tree, burdened with their very first crop of ripening fruit. “He should have told us,” Jaime said as Seve walked towards him.

Seve sat down. “He did. He told you he needed the drugs and why. He wanted to give you what you wanted, because he loves you. But you don’t return that love, so you have no right to manipulate him based on that emotion.”

“
I
don’t
!” Jaime said, his eyes wide with hurt.

“
No, I know you don’t—not deliberately. He said...he hid his nightmares for the same reason you hid your tears in the temple.”

Jaime jerked, seemed about to speak, then his mouth tightened and he didn’t reply. A nerve had been struck, and Seve regretted that, but he was tired and had no patience for any of this.

“
I told him if he needs the drugs to sleep, then he’ll have them, and you won’t interfere. Tonight, I’ll sleep in his bed, since company seems to help, and I can’t sit up another night, I’m exhausted. And no,
you
can’t sit up, and you’re not sleeping in his bed. The man already struggles with his feelings. That’d be cruel.”

Jaime sagged. “Do you think I bear him any ill will at all, Seve?” he asked wearily. “I just want to help.”

Seve slid his arm around Jaime’s shoulder and pulled him close. “I know you do, runt,” he murmured, kissing Jaime’s dark, fine hair. “But he’s beleaguered and his feelings for you are a vulnerability. You can’t demand him to be stronger than he has the ability.”

“
Those drugs are bad for him. Gerde said so.”

Seve hadn’t been aware that Jaime had spoken to her about it. “Then we have to find something else. Jaime—I don’t want him to go home just yet. He’s made a difference. You were right. We need him here.”