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Authors: Doug Dorst

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“That's not healthy for us,” Mrs. Crenshaw says.
“We've done a lot for you,” Mr. Crenshaw says.
“We've known you a long time.”
“Well, we
thought
we knew you.”
“Relationships are important, Jo,” Wayne says. “You don't just go around burning bridges.”
“Exactly, Wayne,” Mr. Crenshaw says. He drains his glass, spits an ice cube into the bushes. “We've said our piece,” he says. “I'm sorry it has to end this way. I'm guessing now that you two have things to talk about. Which we'd prefer you did elsewhere.” He pulls out his checkbook, clicks his pen, and fills out a check while humming tunelessly to himself. He thumps a period after his signature, then tears the check out and slides it across the table to Jo. “Happy trails,” he says.
Mrs. Crenshaw watches Jo closely as she gathers up her belongings, then stands in the foyer and holds the front door open for her. Wayne is in the driveway, leaning on the Comet and smoking a cigarette.
Can you please walk out there with me?
she wants to ask.
I can't trust him right now.
But the front door closes behind her, and she knows that the Crenshaws will be just as happy without her, a Happy Couple with a house and a dog and a pool and numbered personalities and a daughter who'll soon be able to write any prescription they want.
Wayne flicks his butt into the grass and stares at her. Jo, her face burning, specks of light dancing in her field of vision, says, “Are you trying to scare me? If you are, can we get it over with?”
“Don't be silly,” he says. “I love you.” He pats his chest, his legs, as if to say,
Look, no weapons.
Shane prances up to them and drops a tennis ball at Wayne's feet. Wayne winds up and kicks it into a dense patch of pachysandra. The dog runs after it and paws gently through the green, unconcerned as ever.
“I'm hitting the road next week,” she tells him. “You know, driving. Hauling tomatoes.” The lie comes easily. She tries not to look surprised that he buys it.
“I want you to do some thinking while you're out there,” he says, nodding slowly. “While you're out there alone.”
She looks into Wayne's eyes, which are almost all pupil, only a razor-thin ring of blue wreathing the black, and she knows she is staring into the eyes of a dead man. If he's not dead yet, he will be soon. “I don't need to think,” she says. “I've made up my mind.” She climbs into the driver's seat of the Fiesta.
“You'll be back,” he says through the open window, leaning close to her.
A drop of sweat falls from his naked head, and suddenly she feels sorry for him. “Please don't get your hopes up,” she says. “I couldn't live with that.” She turns the key and the engine coughs to life.
“I'll be here,” Wayne says, smiling, rocking back on his heels.
Only then does Jo notice she has parked right behind Wayne's car, too close, the bumpers almost kissing. She leans her head on the steering wheel. “You have to move your car,” she says without looking up. “I can't back out.”
 
 
Three days later, Jo gets the Fiesta back from the shop and drives out to San Gregorio Beach for the afternoon, where she sits alone watching people and dogs and gulls and fishing boats. When the fog settles in, she drives the twisting roads back toward Spencer's apartment. Before dinner, they share beers and Percodans on the cramped cement deck overlooking the complex's pool. They don't talk much.
The salmon ends up a little burned and the mashed potatoes are out of a box, but that's all right—Jo doubts she'll be able to taste much, since the pills have made her mouth numb. Spencer opens a window and tries to wave the smoke out of the apartment, then drops himself into the other chair at the table. He brushes bits of food off the stolen JavaPlenty apron he's wearing. “So what happens now?” he asks her.
“The Fiesta's fixed,” she says. “It's time to get on the road.”
“Why Belize?”
“It sounds like a happy place. Like
feliz
. Happy.”
“Can you really get all the way down there? There are roads?”
“I'm pretty sure.”
He adjusts his glasses and studies her face, and for the first time in a long, long time, she can't tell what he's seeing in her. The smoke alarm goes off, but Spencer waves a dish-towel under it and it falls silent again. “Do you want company?” he asks.
“I don't think so, no,” she says. She stares at the dinner he has cooked for them. “Thanks, though. Really.”
“If you need money—”
“I'm good, Spencer. Really. I've got what I need.”
 
 
Long after midnight, under the galaxy of glow-in-the-dark decals on Spencer's bedroom ceiling, she realizes she does want company. Just not his. Or Wayne's, or anyone else's she knows. She turns onto her side and watches him sleep, snoring lightly, with his good ear on the pillow. She'll be able to leave without waking him.
 
 
It's three a.m. and the sprinklers are still on. Their steady beating washes away the clink of the flowerpot as Jo removes the key from under it. The side door opens noiselessly. Inside, she punches a keypad (the code, in phone letters, spells out SHANE) and a winking red light turns cool green. In one hand she has a stick of beef jerky, in the other, a small piece of duct tape to stop the jingle of his tags. She walks toe-to-heel toward the laundry room, her rubber soles quiet on the hardwood. The dog is in his bed, curled up like a fawn. “Hey, baby,” she whispers, petting him softly. “Hey, baby. Hey, Shane.”
The rest of the plan? They'll drive. As fast as they can. Like two astronauts trying to reach escape velocity.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I owe thanks to a great many people and institutions for their support over the years, especially my teachers and workshop comrades at Stanford and Iowa; the National Endowment for the Arts; St. Edward's University; the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts; Jay Mandel, Jake Sugarman, Lauren Heller Whitney, and Alicia Gordon at WME; and Sean McDonald, Emily Bell, Matthew Venzon, Liz Hohenadel, and Leslie Schwartz at Riverhead. A thousand
gracias
to the editors who saw fit to give good homes to these stories, especially Eli Horowitz, Dave Eggers, Howard Junker, Charles Baxter, Don Lee, Bill U'Ren, Michael Koch, Ed Schwarzschild, Kaui Hemmings, Stephen Elliott, and Dave Daley
.
I'd also like to thank Ben Yalom, Mark Poirier, and Ann Williams for their assistance as first readers; Bill Fagelson and Jennie Burger; Gail Quist; Paul Neimann; Robin O'Keefe; Tom Bailey; Tor Gronborg; Jeff Mengoli; Elizabeth Falkner of Citizen Cake in San Francisco; and Alejandro Escovedo for writing the beautiful song that inspired “La Fiesta de San Humberto el Menor.” Special thanks to Bob Patterson and Tom Parker, who were willing to risk their academic respectability by standing in for Quilcock's Norwegian nemeses, and to the late botanists who kindly, if unwittingly, lent their images for use in “Splitters”; Charles Wright, Peter MacOwan, Lucien Underwood, Christen C. Raunkiaer, Nicolaj Monteverde, John Medley Wood, James Britten, Eduard Fischer, Frederick Vernon Coville, Matilda Moldenhauer Brooks, Harry Bolus, E. H. Wilson, Ada Hayden, Aaron Aaronsohn, and Nikolai Vavilov.
Above all, I'd like to thank my wife, Debra, who has always thought that my being a writer is a good thing, and who has given me ten years of love, encouragement, and inspiration.
1
Professor of botany at Mulholland University and director of Kingslee Memorial Herbarium, Ventura, Calif.
2
Hart, to his (few) friends.
3
I am not convinced that my father ever took him seriously enough to return his intense dislike.
4
Not surprisingly, my mother sought to keep her collegial relationship with Quilcock a closely guarded secret. For one thing, she was married to my father—a towering, imperial presence—but she was also a woman in a male-dominated field and could not afford to be seen as having anything less than a complete commitment to the academic orthodoxy and social pecking order of the day. It was a time, she lamented more than once, when even the most brilliant scientific work would be ignored if it was known that a woman had done it.
5
If you were a student of his, you surely will remember the difficulty of facing him in such moments!
6
The dispute as to where his collection would be kept was one of Quilcock's last and greatest battles. See profile of Fitzgilbert,
infra
.
7
The Complete Field Journals of Aeneas Scottwell-Scott
, edited by P. St. J. Kingslee (Boston: Stamen Publishing, 1924), p. 141.
8
These include his magnum opus, the three-volume
Scottwell-Scott Manual: Higher Plants of the American Southwest
(1901). A review of both men's field notes proves that Quilcock's contributions were significant, although Scottwell-Scott did not highlight this fact in the publication itself.
9
Scottwell-Scott wore white—all white, always—and his clothing usually bore the stains of his earthy trade. “His only concession to sartorial splendor,” Quilcock wrote, “was the monogram he had stitched in blue onto every shirt he owned. Sadly, though not surprisingly, this monogram was a source of great amusement to his rivals and their callow students. In tribute, I have had many articles of clothing stitched with my own initials, also in blue.” Of course, this, too, produced snickers in the hallways at Mulholland; indeed, I recall my father delighting in the use of the epithet “hack” on the rare occasions H. A. Quilcock was mentioned in our home.
10
Consider, for example: Quilcock long assumed that he would be the obvious choice to serve as Scottwell-Scott's official biographer. Instead, the elder botanist chose my father, whom Quilcock had always seen as an interloper as well as a rival for Scottwell-Scott's approval and respect. Quilcock thought a grave injustice had been done to him, although he contrived a variety of rationalizations to place the blame for this upon my father and not upon their mentor. By this time, it should be noted, my father had already published his Willis Gray Patterson Prize-winning
Endemic Plants of the Sky-Islands of the San Umberto Archipelago
(1912), and Quilcock's own reputation was falling to tatters in the wake of the Cates incident (see profile of Slade Cates,
infra
) and my father's devastating review in
Stamen
of his rushed, poorly organized
Flora of Coahuila
(1913). Quilcock, for his part, insisted that his manuscript had been “butchered and bowdlerized” by an overzealous editor who surely had been paid off by one of his nemeses.
11
A bit of explanation
in re
taxonomical matters may be in order for lay readers. Taxonomists in any field generally fall into one of two categories: “splitters” and “lumpers.” In botanical scholarship, acrimonious debates rage over whether physical differences between two individual (though similar) plants are significant enough that the current definition of the species must be
split
(i.e., that the two plants should
not
be treated as identical in a taxonomical sense) or if these differences merely illustrate an acceptable amount of individual variation within a species whose current definition remains valid (i.e., that the two plants should be
lumped
together taxonomically). Scottwell-Scott and Quilcock generally preferred
not
to split species absent overwhelming evidence of difference, and they were suspicious of their colleagues who continually racked up publications defining “new” species and bestowing them with names of their own choosing. As you will see in the profiles, Quilcock detested “knee-jerk splitting”; he saw in this practice evidence of not just shoddy scholarship but arrogance, self-indulgence, even hubris. “To name an organism,” he wrote in a letter to my mother, “is to arrogate to oneself the power of a deity, to attempt to stamp the natural world indelibly with one's mark. Splitters are vile, irredeemable self-servers and pretenders to the divine. The thought of how greatly they outnumber the sensible people in our field often causes me great anxiety, which then produces grievous dysfunction of the bowels (specifically mine).” Letter to Anna Sophia Parker, October 22, 1927.
12
Note to prospective publishers: the full manuscript of Quilcock's profiles and my commentary will be made available upon my receipt of appropriate remuneration.
13
I had hoped that this compendium would be accepted for publication in
Stamen
, which has, for better or worse, been the journal of record for botanical scholarship for the last century. I thought it would be fitting, as the journal had never recognized Quilcock during his own lifetime. The only mention of him in its pages? The briefest of obituaries—two paragraphs that fairly dripped with the schadenfreude that plagues academia in general and botany in particular. My hopes for Quilcock's redemption in
Stamen
went for naught, though, as its editorial board appears to be populated with the ignorant, complacent descendants of the insufferable fools against whom Quilcock so justifiably railed.
14
Quilcock appears to have written this piece within days of his mentor's death on August 4, 1916.
15
One doubts he would have fared any better in the academic environment of the present, considering the institutional hostility to my Quilcock Project. If certain ultimata from certain deans are to be taken seriously, today's academic may not choose to pursue innovative scholarly writing if there is to be any cost to his “traditional publishing record,” “commitment to undergraduate instruction,” “grooming,” or “maintenance of regular office hours.”
BOOK: The Surf Guru
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