The Suicide Project (Rebirth Book 1) (41 page)

There were three of them, and they all took turns with me before leaving me there on the bed, without a single thought to my wellbeing. I don’t know how much time passed before I was finally able to move, but when I sat up I was in
so
much pain. I looked down at my body and saw that there was a small puddle of blood beneath me on the comforter. I felt terrified…humiliated…abused. Dirty. I remembered crying hysterically as I dressed myself and started walking back to my own apartment. It was already dark outside, so I was lucky that nobody saw me.

When I entered my apartment, I felt worse. Out of all the times that my mom wasn’t home, at that moment she happened to be there. Fate was cruel to me that night. I felt so ashamed of what happened even though I was the one who had been victimized. I heard her voice in the kitchen along with one of her random guy friend’s, and I panicked. I ran straight to the bathroom before either one of them could see me, and I locked the door. Emotionally, I was in shock and didn’t see how I could possibly ever get over the trauma of what happened. Especially since I couldn’t talk to my mom about any of it. What good would it have done? She didn’t love me, and maybe she
never
had. I felt so alone. So hopeless. Numb.

Grabbing one of my mom’s brand new razors, I stomped on the plastic neck to separate the blades from the handle of the disposable razor, and I sat on the bathroom floor and slit my wrists. It hurt a lot, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to live anymore…not after what happened. I didn’t realize I was making so much noise until my mom started pounding on the bathroom door. But the door was thick, and I knew my mom wouldn’t be able to get inside. So I just sat there and watched as my blood drained away…all over the bathroom floor.”

Without seeing Kyrie’s face, I knew that she was crying as she relived the horror of her stolen innocence. I felt the force of my rage welling up inside me that she had been violated in such a brutal manner. It never should have happened. I wanted to hold her close, kiss her cheek, and comfort her. Let her know that she
did
matter. That she
was
loved. I wanted to reassure her that not only was she loved, but that she was precious.
Special.
She had a place where she belonged, a place where she never had to be alone again. A place where she could blossom, thrive, and be herself. A place where she never had to worry about her safety again, because I would always be here to protect her.

I felt my throat tighten with unshed tears as I struggled to fight my way out of the foggy layers of unconsciousness. I felt shame as I realized that the reason why Kyrie tended to stick to me like glue, was because she had been starving for affection. Starving for the love and caring that she had been denied growing up. She looked up to me, and basked in the attention that I showered her. As I lay there listening to the sounds of Kyrie’s broken sobbing, I vowed never to take her attachment to me for granted ever again. Her suffering was my suffering, and I cried for this beautiful child with the fragile, wounded soul who should have been cherished from the very beginning.

I felt the hot sting of tears begin to slide down my face, and heard the resounding gasps as tentative fingers reached out to brush away my teardrops.

“Teagan? Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you understand what I’m saying.” I could tell from the tone of her voice that Kyrie was afraid to hope.
Silly girl.
How could I lay here sleeping when it was so blatantly obvious how much Kyrie and Marisol needed me? I concentrated on squeezing the hands that both gripped mine and was rewarded with happy squeals of relief.

To my chagrin, they both burst into deep heaving sobs, their relief at my recovery too great for them to contain. I wanted to tell them not to worry about me and to stop crying, but the words got stuck in my throat. My mouth was too parched, and it took a lot of effort just to swallow. Hearing footsteps in the hallway, I focused on the voice that filled the room.
Nurse Jamie.
I took comfort in her gentle crooning as she spoke quietly to the girls.

“What’s the matter, sweethearts? Why are you crying? We told you to just give Teagan some time. She’s going to be okay. I know she looks like she’s dead, but she’s really not. She’s just resting.”
Gee thanks…

“We’re crying because we’re happy!” Marisol said. “She’s starting to wake up!”

I heard the sound of Jamie’s footsteps quickly approaching my bed as she murmured, “Is that right?” The cool touch of her fingertips as she brushed my bangs away from my forehead in a gentle sweeping motion, felt good to my heated skin. My eyes felt so heavy, and I struggled before finally commanding my eyes to obey.
Open. Open!
Through sheer force of will, I was able to succeed.

I felt my lashes flutter on my cheekbones as my eyes opened in tiny increments. The bedside lamp seemed too bright, and I blinked rapidly in an effort to bring the room into focus. Finally, my focus landed on Kyrie, Marisol, and Jamie as they stood there beaming at me with happiness.

Jamie’s voice was shaky as she said, “Welcome back to the land of the living.”

Suddenly, the room was a hive of activity as Jamie instructed the girls to rush to the Mess Hall to have Amos prepare something for me that was both nourishing and easy to swallow. Marisol and Kyrie looked hesitant to leave me now that I had just woken up, but they both leaned down and pressed sound smooches to both of my cheeks before rushing out of the room to do Jamie’s bidding.

The moment they cleared the door, Sergeant Kami poked her head in the doorway and smiled with relief when she saw that my eyes were open. Now that I was awake, I felt the pain returning to both my ribs and my leg, and judging from the expression on my face, the two women were immediately aware of it. They informed me that I had suffered four fractured ribs, a punctured lung, and a broken leg.
Damn! No wonder it hurt to breathe.
Looking down at my leg, I saw the lower half of a bright pink cast poking out from the bottom of my blankets.

“Kyrie chose the color,” Sergeant Kami informed me, her lip twitching in amusement. Wiggling my toes, I saw that my nails had been painted a shiny cherry red, and I felt my own lips twitching in a grin.

“Compliments of Sam.” Jamie said.

I had so many questions I wanted to ask, but in my opinion, everything else could wait. What couldn’t wait was a shower. I didn’t even know if a shower was possible for me in my current condition, but I wanted to try. I felt positively grungy, and I knew that it was the only thing that would truly help me rouse fully. Staring at the women, I croaked, “Shower.” My voice sounded low and husky from misuse, but after drinking some liquids I knew I’d probably sound good as new.

Jamie picked up her stethoscope and proceeded to take my vital signs. Nodding her head in satisfaction, they wrapped my leg up in some type of a medical grade plastic wrap to protect it from getting wet. I felt my eyes get misty again when I saw the phrases and signatures scrawled all over my cast. Someone had even taken the time to draw a beautifully intricate picture of a rose in bloom on the side of my cast right above where my ankle was located. As my gaze drifted around the room, I saw the balloon bouquets floating in the corner by the window, and the multiple flower arrangements placed randomly along any available flat surface.
Where the heck did these even come from? We’re in the middle of the desert!
Catching my eye, Sergeant Kami explained, “Everybody was really worried about you. You’ve had many visitors.”

As they pulled me up to a sitting position on the side of my bed, I took a moment to catch my breath. I had to bite my lip in order to prevent a vulgar expletive from bursting forth. Jamie cast me a worried look as she said, “After your shower and after some food, we’ll give you some more pain medicine. You need it.” Nodding my head, I tried to convey my thanks with a single look. Once I was finally out of bed, they proceeded to assist me with my shower until I felt fresh and clean. My modesty flew out the window in the face of my desire for cleanliness. As they were helping me get dressed, I frowned as I saw the dark purple bruising on either side of my rib cage. Thundershanks had nailed me good. It even hurt to bend over when I tried to spit in the sink after brushing my teeth, but when I was finished, I felt like a million bucks again…even though I knew I didn’t look it.

With one arm around each of my helpers, I felt sweat start to appear along my forehead from the pain and effort it took me to get around. Pushing open the bathroom door, I finally hobbled back into my room and was met with a surprise when I saw Amos standing there with Kyrie, Marisol, and all of the other sergeants. It was kind of a tight fit in the room, and I felt my mouth drop open at the shock of seeing them all crammed inside. I was very happy to see Mercer amongst my visitors though. He stood beside Sergeant Ramsey, and his tail wagged exuberantly as he spotted his master. I grinned fondly at my puppy.

Seeing the perspiration and exhaustion on my face, Sergeant Ramsey quickly darted forward and bent to carefully scoop me in his arms, rushing to carry me back to my bed. “You scared us, kiddo,” he murmured quietly to me. “It’s damn good to see you awake.”

“It’s ten o’clock at night, Teagan otherwise we would’ve alerted the others that you’re awake.” My gaze landed on Sergeant Flynn as he spoke to me. “Since you’re still pretty weak, we’ll make sure you get fed, get more pain meds and more rest tonight. Everyone else can visit with you tomorrow after you’ve gotten more rest.”

Amos leaned over and placed a folding tray over my lap before setting a large bowl of vegetable beef soup in front of me. He had also brought me a large mug of chamomile tea. Reaching for it gratefully, I took a few hesitant sips before clearing my throat and attempting to speak.

“H-how many days?” My voice cracked in the middle of my question.

Sergeant Ramsey was the one to answer my question. “You’ve been heavily sedated with pain medicine, and have been unconscious for about eight days.”
Eight days!! Holy crap!
Seeing the panic in my eyes, he was quick to explain, “Keeping you medicated and unconscious was the only way we could make sure you got the healin’ rest you needed while keepin’ yer level of pain down. But we agreed that ya did need to wake soon cuz you’ve already lost a lot of weight. Ya can’t afford to lose anymore.” I did notice that I had lost weight and I didn’t like how bony I looked when I saw myself in the bathroom mirror. Now that I was awake, I could focus on getting healthy again.

Amos urged me to eat my soup, so I hungrily picked up my spoon and dug in. I was
so
hungry in fact, that I hardly cared about having an audience. Everybody seemed content to just stand there and watch me eat, so I let them. Even though the soup was hot, I couldn’t shovel it in fast enough. The broth felt good to my parched throat. Halfway through my bowl, I felt my eyelids begin to get heavy again and it became a struggle to stay awake. My eyes jerked open when I felt someone gently pry my spoon from my fingers. Before I knew how it happened, I was once again in a reclining position and had the blankets tucked beneath my chin to keep the chill away. The light scent of peaches reached my nose before I felt Kyrie press a noisy kiss to my forehead. I heard Marisol giggle as she followed suit. I felt the corners of my mouth twitching in an indulgent grin before I heard the sound of footsteps fading further down the hallway and out of earshot. Without another thought, I felt myself fall into a deep and trouble free sleep.

The feel of someone clutching my left hand brought me slowly back to the surface, although once again, my eyelids refused to obey my command to open on the first try. Floating in that plane of utter tranquility between dormancy and lucidity, I felt content to simply lay there feigning sleep as my body took its sweet time waking up. The softly spoken words I heard next felt like a sudden and painful shock to my fragile sensibilities when my mind tried to make sense of what I was hearing.

“Hi Teagan. It’s me. I’m really glad that you’re okay. You really scared me.” The quick exhalation of a breath was proof that the speaker was indeed relieved over my recovery.

Once again, my confused mind tried to understand why I was hearing the voice that I was hearing.
I know that voice. How could this be?

“There’s no doubt in my mind that when you wake up, you’re going to be extremely pissed at me. There are no words that I can say to express the depth of my regret for all the pain and heartache I know I caused you. I’m so very sorry, Teagan. I never meant to hurt you. I love you.”

Am I dreaming? Or is this conversation really real?
I felt my brow furrow with the emotional blow of betrayal as my lower lip started to quiver. I felt that my tears were just below the surface. How much heartache could one person take? Hadn’t I already suffered enough? Just when I was getting back on my feet with my new life…and just when I was starting to feel true happiness again, someone has to come along and sweep the rug out from under me. As much as I tried to block it, still the voice went on.

“I know it’s going to take a while for you to forgive me and I understand that. But I really hope you can try Teagan. Try for me. I know you’re awake. Please…open your eyes and look at me.”

How is this freakin’ possible??
I felt the agonized sob rising out of my chest as my eyes slowly opened, petrified to discover if this newest deception was real or not. The burning ache of grief overwhelmed me as I turned wounded eyes on my betrayer, breaking down completely in a torrent of tears. Deep, gasping wails burst forth and racked my entire body. The emotional pain that I had felt on the night I tried to commit suicide, came rushing back to swamp me all over again as if it were just yesterday. I jerked my hand out of the grip that held mine.

I was feeling a plethora of emotions in that moment, but the overriding emotion I felt was anger. Once my cries subsided enough for me to speak, I glared hard—my pain easily reflected in my eyes as I poured all my hurt and contempt into one sentence that summed up my feelings perfectly.