The Suicide Diary (8 page)

By one am I was home as usual that night, but for the first time I didn't push the insecure thoughts to the back of my mind. Laid in bed, unable to sleep, I considered that Chris would eventually get bored of me if he hadn't already. I wasn't sure how long his interest with me would last and it only made me want him more.

Most of the time I spent time with Chris was at those parties, in crowded rooms, and with his friends. On the few occasions he invited me to his flat, it was to celebrate something that had gone well in his job. I enjoyed those times more than any other - we would make dinner together and talk and laugh and he would be so gentle with me. Especially after the cigarette incident, he seemed to be all the more sweet and affectionate toward me.

Last night had been one of those nights and we had had a pleasant evening just the two of us. I made dinner and he laid the table and it felt like a properly grown up, couple-like thing to do. Afterwards we watched one of his DVDs in bed, with me curled against his side. His eyelids blinked heavily before he closed them and I lay beside him watching his chest rise and fall. I made sure to set my alarm on my phone for my curfew and set it on vibrate - I had to be home on time but more importantly I didn't want to wake him. I knew it was wrong to care more about making him angry by waking him, than about angering my Mother because I fell asleep and worried her.

As much as I'd have loved to wander around his flat a little, I didn't dare move from his side in case he woke and caught me snooping. So I contented myself daydreaming about us together. I moved a wisp of hair from his eyes and gently touched his cheek. I laid my hand on his chest and felt the faint taps of his heartbeat.

Sometimes we would sit together on his bed with me in his lap with his guitar in mine and his arms around me. He would hold my fingertips against the guitar strings and strum whatever verse came to mind. When he was in a good mood, it would be a quiet melody and I wasn't sure if it was the soft notes or being so close to him that sent shivers down my spine. I could feel his chest against my back, his fingers pressed against mine and his scent would fill my lungs.

We would sit and talk together, and he would tell me again about the promotion he was already angling for that would make him the youngest assistant manager in the company. It was easy for me to be attentive and doting when it was just the two of us, but in a group at a club or party I was becoming more and more nervous of doing something wrong and upsetting him.

How could she not see what that manipulative bastard was doing to her? Alex knew guys who used girls and discarded them at their pleasure. However, Chris was just blatantly cruel; tormenting her mentally and physically and yet Nina still believed he cared for her. Alex was well aware that some people can hold a kind of power over others who are vulnerable to it and yet he wouldn't have imagined the Nina he had met standing for it.  Over the years she became a stronger person in spite of, or perhaps, he suddenly realised because of this.

We were at a party in a familiar house, I recognised the furnishings and yet I had no recollection of ever meeting the owner. It could have been any one of the people that stood chatting around me in the living room. That was always the way, I just turned up on Chris's arm, tried to enjoy the evening without giving him any reason to get upset and left in time to get home for my curfew.

When we had been there a few hours, I felt a pressing need to visit the little girl’s room. Chris was mid conversation with someone discussing a project from work and I didn't like to disturb him. I rushed up the stairs to the bathroom after telling him where I was going and unfastened my jeans as quickly as I could. I hurriedly splashed the scolding water over my soapy hands and dried them roughly. I'd be back at his side in mere minutes and hopefully he would still be smiling.

At first, all I could feel was a warm sensation on my head, I ran my fingers over my hair and gasped as I recognised the dark liquid that they found there. It was this gasp of breath that then awoke me to the pain. I felt it almost everywhere, my face was stinging, my stomach and legs ached and I felt dazed. Suddenly I heard a muffled noise behind me and I struggled to turn in time to see a familiar face moving towards me.

"Baby...baby" a gentle voice soothed.

Of course, that was Chris, my boyfriend, I must have fallen again. I was lying awkwardly on an unfamiliar carpet. I'd been in the bathroom but the moments after that were just out of reach in my memory. For some reason there was no light on in the room, but I could make out the shadows of furniture outlined by the dim yellow glow of a street light shining through the window.

"Baby, you...you fell, I tried to catch you", he stammered as he roughly pulled me up from the floor and onto the bed nearby. Every movement was agony and I bit my tongue to hide the pain, not wanting to distress him anymore. He looked so alarmed, staring at me urgently as if he could make the pain go away by sheer will alone. I looked down at the marks on the tops of my arms and let out a long, slow breath to calm myself.

Another accident, I was so clumsy. I tried to adjust myself into a more comfortable position and winced in pain. A quilt cover shifted under my hands but I noticed it was already pretty dishevelled. I hoped whoever had made use of the bed had already left, I really didn't want an audience right now.

"You know I’m sorry, don't you? I didn't want you to get hurt, I would never...." he trailed off.

His eyes found mine and his voice became pleading. "I love you too much, I just wish you wouldn't show off so much and you know I can't stand it when you flirt like that, it just gets me so mad." said Chris.

Flirting? When, with who? I tried to run through the events of the evening, but it was disjointed and blurry. I remembered sitting with a group of Chris's friends earlier, one of them had a guitar and they were singing some already forgotten tune. I should have known he wouldn't like that. I had purposely sat between two girls but a few guys had come and joined the group once the singing started. I was just caught up in the moment but he knew I only had eyes for him.

I tried to turn my body towards him to reflect this but I found myself wincing in pain. He didn't seem to notice, but took my movement towards him as a sign that things were okay between us again. He leaned in to me until we were laid on the bed and he swept my hair out of my face. He was kissing me, slowly at first and then more intensely, all over my face and down my neck. Suddenly his body moved over mine and I couldn't stop the cry that left my lips.

"Chris stop, please, you're hurting me." I pleaded.

He hushed me quietly but I couldn't let him continue trying to kiss away the bruises.

It didn't feel right, not this time.

“No, stop, please” This time with more force in my voice.

I was shocked now at the tears choking out and spilling down the sides of my face. All of a sudden light spilled into the room from the hallway and I heard a familiar voice.

1. Anthony
   

   "Hey, I was in the bathroom and I heard a crash?" said the silhouette.

Anthony must have flicked the light on then as I jerked my head quickly and scrunched up my eyes against the strong light. When I opened them again, I registered the look on his face and then just as quickly I looked away. I wasn't sure if I was trying to hide the shame or just spare him the shock. But I may as well have spared myself the pain of moving. I obviously looked about as good as I felt.

"Chris, what the fuck have you done?!" said Anthony.

He moved quickly to my side and looked at me anxiously. Even out of the corner of my eye, I could see the horror on his face.

"I'm taking you home." he said.

It wasn't even a question and by the expression on his face it didn't look like I was getting the option. I heard Chris protesting but I didn't bother to listen to what was said between them until I felt myself being pulled up from the bed. Their voices became raised and heated. Chris wasn’t going to let me go. Normally I would have been delighted at this as I’d lived on edge all this time just waiting for the day he would leave me.

Anthony let me sit back on the end of the bed while he and Chris shouted at each other over my head. When I heard a thud like the sound of bones cracking together and I turned just in time to see Chris knocked to the floor and blood starting to pour from his nose. Anthony had hit his best friend in the face and it was only then that I realised what had happened to me.

It’s not always easy to tell the difference between a madman and a cruel one but I expect it rarely matters to the ones who end up bleeding. Until more recently I’d thought I deserved it, that my behaviour had brought on Chris’s actions. It took a long time for me to accept no matter how pathetic you feel, no one deserves to be treated like that. I’d even secretly like to think that if I could go back in time it would have been me instead of Anthony who threw that punch.

While Chris lay on the floor with his hand cupping his bloody nose, Anthony carefully wrapped his arm around my waist and lifted me against his chest. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes for a second. However, when I opened them again I was sat in the passenger seat of his car.

"It's okay, you're safe". Anthony spoke gently but his eyes were searching.

What made him say such a thing, why wouldn't I be safe? We were in his car, parked badly at the side of a road I didn’t recognise and I couldn't quite work out how I’d come to be there.

"I carried you out..." he paused and then looked up at me, while I continued staring out the windscreen.

"Did he....” Creases formed on his forehead and his breathing became fast and shallow. “Has he done this before? I mean it's not the first time I’ve seen you with bruises but you always had a reason and you are known for being a little…accident-prone.” He stumbled over the word as if he wasn’t so sure of that now.

“But tonight...he...I saw the look in his eyes. Nina, why would you stay with him?" He stared at me with genuine concern.

I felt sorry for Anthony; I would have hugged him if I didn't think it would hurt so much. The evening was coming back to me in flashes. I had gone to the party with Chris, nothing new there. He was drinking with his friends and chatting to a very beautiful girl I didn’t recognise while I sat with a few others. But when one of the girls started strumming on a guitar, more and more people began to join our little circle and soon people were singing along.

When I went to the bathroom some time later, Chris must have followed me, and when I came out I recalled he pushed me into one of the rooms. His face was so close to mine that his nose pressed against my cheek and his fingers gripped tightly into my arms. It wasn't the first time I'd pushed him to such anger; I always tried to be careful around him but he was sensitive and his mood swings were unpredictable. I knew this, but every now and then I would slip up and say or do something that would upset him.

Afterwards he was the sweetest, most attentive boyfriend a girl could wish for. He would kiss me and apologise over and over again, describing exactly what it was that I had done to set him off.

This time felt different and his anger only intensified. ‘
What was I doing, why was I embarrassing him, how dare I flirt with his friends
?’ His questions came out like one, long, bitter statement and I spluttered apologies but he wasn't listening, just gripping tighter and tighter until I could feel his nails digging into my flesh. As I tried to scramble from his grip, he suddenly let me go and sent me tumbling on to the bed.

Before I could react his fists were knocking every breath from me. Trying to get away, I fell onto the floor into a corner since he stood between myself and the door. I felt the pain instantly as his foot impacted with my ribs. My strength left me and I stayed on the floor just waiting for him to get it all out.

It wasn't the first time he had raised his hand to me but this was the angriest I'd ever seen him - this time he wasn't gentle afterwards, he was still angry, even in the dim light I could see it in his eyes.

"You stupid, little whore." he said.

He leaned down and pulled me roughly up to face him and sat us on the bed. His kisses weren't quite so soft, they were...eager and I knew suddenly what he wanted. But I couldn't bring myself to be with him, I wasn't sure I could even stand the pain of his hands on my bruised body again.

Those damn tears welled up in my eyes again as I tried to move away from him. He kept me held tightly on the bed, using his free hand to undo my jeans. His lips were on my neck again, kissing, biting me and I couldn't stop him.

“No” I whispered into the darkness and inside I screamed silently as his body moved over mine. And that was the moment light had spilled into the room and lit up behind Anthony's head like a halo.

Unable to quell the uneasy feeling in his stomach Alex threw the notebook down and ran to the bathroom where he leaned over the toilet and brought up sick. He wiped his mouth in frustration, angry at his own body for being so weak when he wanted to be strong. He had never felt so violent toward a person before, especially someone he had never met. Alex wanted to beat this guy; he imagined kicking and punching him as Chris had done to Nina. For a few minutes he sat on the cool floor savouring his thoughts. But that was all he could spare for the violent fantasies - he had to know what happened next.