The Suicide Diary (37 page)

A few things had started to make sense since I’d met him. I’d thought long and hard about meeting with him again, it had just taken me a while to work up the courage to make a decision. If I was ever going to get an insight into whether I had any hope for the future I needed to know where I came from. Three days after my chat with Alex, I sat across from my Father for the second time in over seventeen years.

You just walked out the door and didn't come back. We didn't know why you left.” I said, I couldn't tell him how it made me feel because I didn't honestly know. All my feelings about my Father were locked up tightly in a box many years ago. But, I could voice some of Matthew's feelings and be angry on behalf of my little brother. “Joshua was six years old, he was a normal, happy kid. After you left, do you know he wet his bed almost every night for four months.” I said.

“No, your Mother never told me.” he replied.

“The only reason he stopped was because I dragged my mattress through to his room and slept next to him - I held his hand until he fell asleep. Sometimes when I thought he was out, I would let go his hand so I could go to sleep, then he would wake up screaming 'Daddy, Daddy'. You didn't just leave our Mother, you left your home and your children without a second thought." I said.

His eyes glistened with tears as he listened but I refused to soften towards him. He didn't speak straight away as if he was trying to find the right words or maybe just didn't have any but then he took a deep breath and spoke. "Nina I don't want to give you excuses but I do want to try to explain. I didn't just walk out on a sudden impulse, I had wanted to leave for months and I know that sounds terrible to want to leave your family but I was doing more harm than good by being there.” he said. “I had a drink problem and it caused arguments between your Mother and I and when I caused the accident in the kitchen it was the wake-up call I needed to tell me I wasn't capable of being a Father.” he said.

“You should have told us why you were leaving.” I said.

“You were so young and I didn’t have the words to explain. Maybe I was a coward, I don’t know…I just thought that if tried to explain, you kids would ask me not to go and I wouldn’t have the strength to leave.” he continued. “You may not have had both parents in your lives, yet you’ve all grown up to be good, kind, and caring adults and that is thanks to your Mother and your Grandmother. If I had the right to be, then I would be very proud of you.” he said.

My brow furrowed in protest to his compliments and I had to stop myself from shaking my head – there was nothing in me to be proud of. As if he read my mind, he spoke again.

"Nina, you are only the best parts of me and there is a lot of your Mother in you too although perhaps a little less obvious. You have her smile when you find occasion to show it, and I know you care about people more than you do yourself. You may not have Joshua’s open nature or Matt’s sterling motivation, but you have your own determination, you put the needs of your family and friends first and you are generous and witty and clever and as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.” he said.

“You talk as if you know me but I haven’t seen you for years.” I said.

“Your Mother and I kept up a stream of letters and then emails. She keeps me updated and sends me photos of you three - it’s my way of watching you all of you from afar.” said my Father.

I’d sat in silence while he spoke trying to take in the words that this man, my Father was saying to me. It it felt as he was talking about someone else, he didn’t know me but my Mother had kept in touch with him all this time and so these were her compliments, not his.

“You make it sound like you’re a stalker.” I said.

He laughed bitterly.

“I guess it might seem that way but I had only good intentions. None of you needed my influence in your lives but she consented to keeping in touch.” he said. “I know I have no right to give you advice but your Mother has mentioned you have become distant from her and your brothers. She’s worried about you but she has always been a ‘fixer’ and she's not sure this is something she can fix for you. I think I somehow know you have come to a dark place and I know a little of that. There is always a turning point, you just have to be open to it and accept that no matter how much you push them away, your family will always love you." He sounded almost hopeful and I couldn't help but think he was speaking of himself.

"We all have regrets and making mistakes is part of growing up. The point is not to let the mistakes be all that we are." he said and it reminded me of what Alex had said about remember his brother for how he lived and not he died.

“I was a bad influence and I knew you would all be better off without me." he said.

That last sentence caught me off guard. Those were my own words, the ones I'd told myself many times - my family would be better off without me. There was so much I wanted to say to my Father, to shout all the things I'd imagined saying to him over the years but the words were suddenly stuck in my throat.

My heartbeat thundered in my ears like a train closing in on me, but then time seemed to slow and the sound became more and more distant. The sharp pain had disappeared thankfully and I just felt exhausted. I said goodbye to my Father and went home feeling even more confused than before, but I knew if I decided to end my life it would be because I wasn’t strong enough to keep going.

I tried to imagine being in his shoes walking through the front door, closing it behind me, so sure I was doing the right thing. In his own warped way he had believed he was doing the right thing by leaving. But is it a selfish assumption to think that those left behind will lead a far better life without you in it? That’s what people think, the word ‘selfish’ is thrown around so casually after someone take’s their own life, even Alex had heard it said of his brother. How could it not make sense that I just wanted to stop being in pain and end the drama that I brought to my family’s life?

Is it easier to forgive someone that hurts us physically once the bruises have healed or the person who breaks our hearts even though that may never heal? I knew then that no matter what burden I may lift from my family’s lives by ending mine, I would still hurt them. My Mother loved me enough to let my Father back in to her life to help me in whatever way he could. For all my flaws, my family loved me.

The only consistent things in my life are my family, my dog Oscar and the few friends I have in the world Kara, Lucy and Melissa and now and then I meet up with Ali and I’m still in touch with Amy now and then. They are the only people (and dog!) I have been able to give any level of commitment to. I know it’s all an act so no one knows how truly fucked up I really am.

And then there’s Alex. He should be damaged, like me. But he’s not, he’s a little close to perfect. Unlike me, he used his pain to grow stronger and make something of himself. It was like some comic book in that he used his powers for good and light, while I turned to the dark and wallowed in my own misery, useful to no one and a burden on the world.

The instant message popped up with a greeting from Amy.

Trivial conversation lasted merely minutes before she got to the bottom of my reluctance to chat on this particular evening.

‘Do you like him?’ she asked.

‘What does it matter?’ I replied.

‘Well if you like him you could do something about it like try a little flirting – I know you remember how to do that.’ she fired back.

“What would be the point? Liking a guy when there is absolutely no hope of him ever feeling the same is just setting yourself up for misery.’ I’ve had enough of that in my life, I thought to myself. Amy had less patience for my indecisiveness than Kara, but I sometimes liked her directness. On this occasion, I wasn’t sure if I was questioning her answers of my own excuses. I finally said goodnight and signed off.

When they first met Alex found they had a lot in common but he was getting to know more of their differences too. Nina kept her past hidden to protect the ones she loved. She thought she was weak but that took courage to go through all that and not use it as an excuse or unload her problems on to others. He thought she had it backwards when she said she was too fucked up for him. Before he met her, he was living his brothe
r’
s life, pretending everything was alright, refusing to deal with losing him and pushing everyone away. He had
n’
t allowed himself to enjoy the life he could have had, instead he did everything Will should have had the chance t
o
– h
e’
d lived his dreams for him and where had it got him.

I tried to keep my eyes open - there was something I had being trying to think about, but the nagging feeling became less important as my eyes flickered shut and the dim room went black.

The next morning I awoke and it was a struggle to open my eyes. I’d slept through most of the night, only waking when my dreams became too much. I climbed out of bed and showered, more of habit and hygiene than anything else as I had nowhere in particular to go. There was a text message on my phone and I was more than a little surprised to find it was from Matthew.

‘Hey Nina, I was wondering if you were free maybe today or sometime this week. I just thought we could talk. Matthew.’

We still hadn’t spoken properly, he’s my brother and yet we’ve felt like strangers most of our lives but it wasn’t just since our argument. I know he is kind and good and I’ve seen the way he is with Joshua and my Mother but there had always been an unspoken line between us.

What he did in his relationships wasn’t really any of my business and yet I’d felt so angry with him because he lectured me so many times on how to live my life and yet he had fucked up and really hurt Anna. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to see me, it certainly wouldn’t be to apologise. Whatever his reason, I was glad he had got in touch and I think for the first time in all the years I could remember I wanted to talk to my big brother about our Father. It wasn’t a subject any of us willing brought up in Matthew’s company for fear of prompting one of his moods. I had never once been to his flat, anytime we spent together was back at home, almost as if we needed Joshua and our Mother as a buffer. The times during all months since we had argued were even fewer and far between than usual.

I text him to let him know I could visit today and started getting ready. His flat was only ten minutes drive from mine but it would have taken me two train rides and a short walk so I was thankful for the vehicle.

When I arrived, he shouted to just come straight in rather than greet me at the door but I hardly expected a warm welcome so I followed his voice through to his kitchen. I had barely sat down when he spoke.

“I know what I did to Anna, cheating on her, it was wrong. I’m not proud of what I did and I’m not trying to make excuses but we were a mess, we were arguing all the time, the relationship hadn’t been working for a long time, but we’d been together for so many years that I just didn’t know how to end it.” he said.

“Matthew, it was your relationship, you don’t need to explain your reasons to me. I feel bad for Anna but it was her who deserved to hear all this at the time.” I replied.

“She did, I mean not at the time, she wouldn’t even take my calls but after the months went by and she admitted how miserable she had been too, and she accepted it. I didn’t deserve her forgiveness but she gave it to me anyway because we were both stuck and too afraid to speak to each other about it. She’s happy now, like she was when we first met and I’m happy for her. We’re probably never going to be friends and I know I dealt with it horribly but I’m glad it’s over.” he said.

I don’t understand why you’re telling me all this?” I asked.

“Because it’s given me a lot to think about and the whole idea of forgiveness and what we’re capable of and I’ve realised a few things.” He said.

I smiled at him, although he didn’t know it, it seemed as if we had both gone through a bit of a transformation recently. “You mean about our Father?” I asked cautiously.

“Yes amongst other things. Nina, I know you and me never really been that close and I’m truly sorry for that. It was hard for me, you look so like him and sometimes when I look at you all I see is our Father and I’m ashamed to admit that I struggled with that because I hated him. I really should have been a better brother to you and I’m going to try to be from now on.” he said.

“I didn’t know why you wanted to see me; I definitely wasn’t expecting that. I’m sorry too, it took both of us to build the wall between us and I know I didn’t exactly make it easy for you either. I know you were older than me when our Father left but we were all kids; it was hard on all of us.” I said.

He reached across and hugged me and I put my arms around him too and we sat there for a moment.

“I have something to tell you, it’s good news, it’s great and I wanted to tell you in person. I’m with someone, she’s…I mean we’ve been friends for years and it just kind of crept up on us.” He said.

“Is that who you were with when you were still with Anna.” I asked.

“Yes.” He looked down for a moment as if warring with his feelings of guilt and happiness. “It shouldn’t have started then, but truthfully by the time were…physical, I already had feelings for her and she felt the same. We’ve been together ever since and I’m in love with her, I think I have been for a long time. Her name is Amelia. And we are going to be family.” he said.