The Suicide Diary (18 page)

“It’s beautiful.” I said only to myself.

The image beyond the glazing was picturesque and I watched as the grass gave way to golden-white sand on the left side, which was lapped by the sea not too far from the garden edge. The tide was in already but it would turn soon and the beach would expand in the day. I looked to the sky and the bright blue was marked only by a few clouds.

“I’m starving, shall we eat and then explore?” Melissa always had her priorities in order behind her stomach and I smiled at her remembering the times we would sit in the bar and she would order far too much.

“I’ll make something.” I offered and rummaged through the cupboards. If there was a sudden catastrophe, we could hold up here for weeks on this. I settled on baked potatoes and salad and began preparation while the girls sat on the stools around the worktop and flicked through the leaflets in the welcome pack.

“Oh look, we could go paragliding…or surfing, or a balloon ride and there’s even sky diving here!” Lucy’s voice was getting higher and higher and the three of us laughed at her suggestions.

“Lucy, we’re here to relax not kill ourselves.” said Kara.

“Oh come on live a little. We made it through exams, shouldn’t we at least do something to celebrate?” replied Lucy. Even though she was the youngest, there were times when she was most definitely the bravest.

“We are celebrating, we came on holiday. Maybe we could do one crazy thing. What do you think Nina?”  asked Kara.

I wasn’t about to take sides or make the decision for them. “Well I can swim and I’m not afraid of heights but it’s totally up to you girls, I’m just happy to be here. Now eat up.” I said as I laid out four plates and filled tumblers with pink fizzy juice.

Once we had finished, Lucy helped me wash the dishes while the other girls touched up their makeup and fiddled with their hair. With the breeze outside, I didn’t really see the point and finished putting the last of the plates away. After twenty minutes we were finally ready to go and headed out the door in to the pretty front garden. We made our way along the same path Graeme had stomped his way up earlier and when we reached the top of a hill we had to stop to admire the view.

“Wow you can see for miles.” said Melissa.

“It’s beautiful.” exclaimed Kara and I at the same time and she turned to smile at me. The girls looped arms and we wandered along the coastal path like the four figures on the yellow brick road. The sun was high in the sky and I felt the warmth on my bare arms and face, but the light breeze kept it pleasant while we walked.

I had brought snacks and juice with us and we settled on a spot of grass with a downhill view of the beach to stop for refreshments after a couple of hours of exploring along the coastline. We laid the large rug out and sprawled out enjoying the sun and fresh air. I lay on my back and took off my sunglasses so I could feel the warmth on my full face. The inside of my eyelids looked red and I felt the knot in my shoulders begin to relax ever so slightly. The girls chatted away, occasionally asking my opinion on something; eventually we all fell in to silence and only our breathing could be heard above the nearby waves and rustling in the grass.

“Girls it’s quarter to six!” Melissa shouted and jumped up with such drama that we all sat up quickly, looking around with our hearts racing.

“Mel we’re supposed to be relaxing, was there really any need to frighten us!” Lucy said not unpleasantly, she rubbed her eyes and yawned which started the rest of us off.

“We can have an early night then, but let’s not waste the day dozing.” replied Melissa.

Clearing up the remains of our picnic, we moved further along the path until we came across a tiny, concealed cove with white sand and clear water. The sun was lower in the sky but it was still warm going in to the evening. We spent an hour playing in the sand, building castles and chasing each other until our stomachs began to grumble. Thankfully we found a bus stop on the street running parallel to the coastal one since none of felt up to the two and half hour walk back to the cottage.

I volunteered to make dinner again on the condition someone else did the washing up. I always enjoyed cooking and baking and although I didn’t have my Mother’s skills, I followed my Grandmother’s rule of thumb. She rarely followed recipes and believed in taste testing; goodness knows how she kept her figure over the years with all the baking she did.

I mixed up a batch of easy cake mix and slid the tray in to the oven and then began cooking chicken for a stir fry. The flavours flowed through the cottage and I took a little pride in the girl’s delighted ‘mmms’ as they inhaled the smell.

“Those beds look really comfortable but I would love to sleep out under the stars on such a pretty night.” said Lucy dreamily staring out the window.

“Well you have fun with that but don’t come crying to us when you wake up covered in midge bites.” I replied and the girls all laughed and teased her with buzzing noises.

As the heat of the day disappeared, we decided to light the fire and watch a movie on the widescreen. While we looked for the remote control and decided on a DVD, Kara made four mugs of hot chocolate and marshmallows and we curled up on the two settees together. Before the credits had rolled, Lucy had dozed off and Melissa wasn’t far behind. Kara stifled a yawn and even I was feeling tired which took me by surprise. It must be the sea air and all the walking that had taken it out of me since I’d normally still be wide awake at ten o’clock.

As I put out the fire, I listened to the padding of feet as the other made their way to the bathroom and own bedrooms. After I’d washed, I pulled on my pyjamas and slid into the bed expecting to lie there a while before exhaustion took me to sleep. The cool, soft sheets felt nice against my warm skin but the heavy blanket on top was comforting.

There was a noise and I opened my eyes to daylight so I thought I must be dreaming since I’d only gone to bed a moment before. I must have fallen asleep straight away and looking at my watch on the side unit, I realised I’d slept for nine hours straight which was a record for me. Maybe there was something to this sea air after all.

I crept out of bed quietly and used the bathroom before tiptoeing to the quiet living room. I pushed open the double doors and looked down to the beach where a couple of figures were running around. They must have woken me but I was glad they did so I could have a little time to myself before everyone woke up. I made a cup of tea and sat out in the garden watching the waves go back and forth. There was a kind of symmetry with how they moved and how my life was playing out, forward a little, back a little, then a dramatic surge forward, only to crash backwards even further. But the waves are controlled by the moon, whereas my back and forth was down to my own decisions.

“Morning.” Kara stood behind me looking out to the waves and I wondered what she was thinking. As if she could tell I was curious, she blinked and turned her head back indoors with a smile. “I’ll make breakfast this morning, you relax until the girls wake up.” She said firmly as she padded into the kitchen.

The morning went at a nice, easy pace and we took our time getting ready to head to the beach again. On the way Lucy insisted we go along the main road instead and when she stopped at a shop with foam boards outside, I knew why.

“I saw them yesterday but it was closed on our way back. I can’t wait to try them out!” she ran inside and chose a blue and purple board.

The bemused man behind the counter explained the best place to use them and we handed over our money. We all walked slightly awkwardly along the path carrying our new foam boards and beach bags and finally kicked off our shoes and ran on to the sand. We had barely dropped our bags before Lucy was in the water squealing at the cold.

As the sun began its descent on the second evening, we made our way back to the cottage and had got dressed for dinner. Despite the amount of food we had with us, we decided we should at least try the local hospitality once. Considering there were only two bathrooms and three mirrors between four us we managed to get out the door in ninety minutes. We found a quaint restaurant and chatted in between mouthfuls. Afterwards we walked along the seafront until we came across a bar that still had its lights on and had rather too much noise coming from it in such a quiet place. As we entered the room, we realised that despite the noise, it was almost empty. Eight pairs of eyes fell on us and stared as we walked towards the bar. The noise I now noticed was coming from a juke box in the corner; it was playing a song I didn't recognise but then I realised I had no idea who was even in the charts. I probably wasn't meant to see the look that passed between the guy I was to come to know as Oliver and the boy who had shouted at us in our driveway earlier that afternoon. Suddenly I felt nervous but Kara stepped forward and ordered four vodka cranberries.

Not one word was said between the twelve people now standing on this side of the bar. Once our glasses were sat on the counter and we had paid the bill, we made our way to the juke box and flicked through the hundreds of listings until we settled on five songs. When I went to the bar to order a second round, two of the guys moved over to sit at the bar.

"So you girls here for a holiday then?" one of them looked at me smirking. Clearly the group had little for entertainment other than to wind up customers.

"Oh no, we're looking at buying this quaint little town!" Melissa threw back, beating me to it. I laughed at her comment, I couldn't flirt to save myself but I had sarcasm by the bucket load. It's a built in self defence mechanism when you grow up with two brothers.

Suddenly a laugh exploded behind me and then they were all laughing. I looked to where it had begun and the boy smiled at me. "Sorry, he bet he could chat you girls up, I disagreed." He turned to his friend at the bar. "So I guess that's a drink you owe me." he laughed.

I looked at me standing next to me. "Sorry, I didn't realise that was you're attempt at being smooth." He grinned. "No worries, my charm grows on you gradually."

By now Kara and the other girls had made their way around to the bar and made themselves comfortable next to the group of guys. So much for a girl-only, catch up with friends. The rest of the evening passed in easy banter and teasing. By midnight the bar was locked up and the man behind the bar chucked the keys at Oliver and left.

None of the boys even blinked but we all turned to him questioningly "My aunt and uncle own the bar, so long as we don't cause any trouble and pay for what we drink then we're allowed to stay after hours." The juke box continued playing music in the background and we sat there for several hours, chatting and laughing.

Over the three days, we were hardly apart from those guys - on the beach by day and in the bar in the evenings. It was summer and most of them were students so they took it upon themselves to give us the guided tour. I noticed Kara talked about Graeme when it was just us girls and then smiled a lot in his direction when he was around. Some of the other guys took it in turns to flirt with Melissa and Lucy. Oliver frequently rolled his eyes at their attempts which made me laugh. Whenever one of them attempted to say or do something cool and failed he would make it even worse by teasing them mercilessly. Since the rest of our expanded group were wrapped up in flirting with each other Oliver and I seemed to veer towards each other and take it turns to tease them. My five days away went a nice pace but the reality of going home and back to my life kept hitting me when another day ended.

We messed around on the sand all day, enjoying the sun that I had missed so much working indoors during the day. My pale skin soaked up the heat and turned a pleasant shade of brown and with my dark eyes and hair the other girls joked I was a foreign exchange student. Eating ice cream and wandering around the little shops felt like I had stepped into someone else's life for a few days.

On our last day we stayed as long as possible until we had to leave or risk getting lost in the dark on the way home. There was no one booked in to the cottage until two days later so we’d been allowed a very late check-out. The girls were in the driveway watching the guys trying to fit all our stuff back into the car. I was checking all the drawers and cupboards were empty when I heard Oliver calling my name.

"Nina, I just wanted to say goodbye and it was really nice meeting you." When his lips hit mine I froze but as his arms pulled me to him I softened a little and kissed him back. As we walked out to the car I tried to calm the pink in my cheeks and look like I hadn't just been taken completely by surprise.

I watched him in the rear view mirror as we drove away and I knew I'd miss him and his group of friends. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed so much. When I arrived home I collapsed into bed and tried to sleep but my time away was playing on my mind. I'd felt different when I was away - like everything that kept me awake at night had stayed here when I was away.

Oliver's first text in the morning was a just message checking we had arrived home but soon we were texting back and forth with jokes and random stories.  After a week or so he began calling me every few days and we sent a ridiculous number of texts to each other. I started a new job in a clothing shop in town and for the first time my wardrobe consisted of more than black, cream and pale green. I still worked the odd shift in the book shop when they needed me so it kept me busy during the day and exhausted me enough that I slept a little better at night. When Kara suggested we book the cottage again for the end of summer before they returned to college I felt the nerves spasm inside - it was easy to reply to texts and laugh at his jokes on a telephone call but the last time I'd seen him he had kissed me.