The Stranger Inside (13 page)

Was it possible? Was Dad really doing that—trying to tell me something?

I jumped out of bed to look up the Psychic Center on my laptop. But I didn’t make it to my desk. Halfway there I froze, staring around my room in disbelief. My Jeremy box from under the bed was out, lying open in the middle of my room, empty.

Totally empty.

All of my Jeremy memories were placed with care where they belonged. That is, where they
would
belong if my feelings for him didn’t need to be kept hidden, secret, buried deep, deep, deep until it was impossible to dig them up. Acknowledge them. But the things were out in the open now, out for me to see, everyone to see. Jeremy’s love notes stacked neatly on my dresser. Our pictures on my mirror. And my necklace, the one Jeremy had given me, it was here, back around my neck.

Had Kenzie done this?

Of course she had
.

My legs were trembling so badly I had to sit down. But I couldn’t move. Couldn’t take a step. I simply crumbled where I was, in the middle of my room. Only I didn’t sit. Instead, I curled up into a ball, shivering. Kenzie was back. She was. She came and went as she pleased, whenever she pleased. I don’t know why I was even surprised. I didn’t just have a split personality. I’d kind of already figured that out—pretty much. The other day I had seen shadows. Heard them
talk
. And my dad, he had grabbed an axe, hacked up a lady, then hacked out his own heart.

He
was
crazy.

Just like me.

CHAPTER 9

I was still curled up in a ball when Sawyer came over. He rang the doorbell, but I lay still, not planning to move. Finally, I did though. I got up and answered the door. Because it was Sawyer. Only, then I wished I didn’t answer because he kept asking me what was the matter. And I couldn’t tell him. I just couldn’t. Not about Kenzie showing again, not about Dad, not about shadows. I didn’t want to dig it all up—have it out in the open. It was too painful. Too horrible and scary.

“Jodi, you’re not like most girls,” Sawyer said, taking me into his arms, stroking my hair. “You don’t talk about things to death. You do the opposite, though. You avoid talking about things, period. But something’s obviously bothering you. If you tell me, I’ll help you.” He leaned his head back, looking into my eyes. “I promise. I’ll help you.”

But I didn’t tell him. Couldn’t. I let him hold me though. That helped. More than he could possibly know. And while he held me, I tried to think. Form a plan. A way to keep myself out of the loony bin. And everyone safe. From me.

“You’ve heard about shock therapy, right?” I whispered to Sawyer.

I felt a tremor run through him. He stood frozen a moment, then leaned away from me so he could look at my face. “Yeah.” He studied me closely, his eyes full of concern. “Why Jodi?” He brought his forehead down to mine. “Why are you asking me this?”

“Last night, I was reading on the Internet and I read that you can do it yourself, with rubber bands. Like, you put them around your wrist. Then … if something weird happens, you snap the rubber band against your wrist really hard, and it,” I swallowed, “it snaps you back into reality—like wakes you up, wakes up your mind.”

I could see him negotiating what I was saying in his head. He stared at me intently. A long time. His jaw set and his forehead scrunched.

Finally he let out a breath. “What weird thing happened, Jodi?”

My breath hitched. I couldn’t tell him. But I had a plan. I’d wear rubber bands around my wrists. Lots of them. Pile them on. And I’d totally use them, like shock therapy. The next time I saw shadows. Or heard them. Or if I had the urge to do … something. Anything. Like … turn into a different person … or grab an axe.

***

Friday night I waited for Sawyer with knots in my stomach. I was beyond nervous. There was no way I could handle spending an entire night seeing Jeremy with another girl. I kept remembering that Christmas when I had to sit there and watch him cuddle with his “little girlfriend.” I fell to pieces right in front of everyone. What if I did that tonight?

Restless, I paced the living room, trying to convince myself I was being irrational. After all, it had been almost three years. Everything was completely different now. That day I’d been alone, expecting Jeremy to still love me. Tonight I’d be with Sawyer, my
boyfriend
—that in itself would make a huge difference. But more than that, tonight I had the advantage of knowing beforehand Jeremy would be with another girl. I’d had days to prepare for it, days to come to terms.

I was being ridiculous. Dumb. Jeremy was totally over me. Totally.

She’s like a stranger to me
. His words still slugged at my stomach. Hurt
so
bad. Would the pain ever go away?

Resolutely, I went up to my room and got the wooden box from under my bed. I’d put everything back in it yesterday, as soon as I’d recovered from my Kenzie shock. I was still shaky from it, still nauseous. But Sawyer had called last night, making sure I was still planning to come to the party. When I told him I wasn’t, he kind of coaxed me into it, anyway. He was good at that, coaxing me into things. But he hadn’t coaxed me in to telling him about Kenzie’s return. Or about Dad. Or Sophie Jones. Because I was good at that. Keeping things in.

Before hanging up, Sawyer had sounded pensive. “Jodi … are you wearing rubber bands right now?”

I sighed, not answering.

“I love you Jodi.” Frustration laced through his voice. “I want to help you.”

I still didn’t say anything.

“They’ll cut off your circulation.”

Still
, I said nothing. Not because I was being obstinate, but what could I say? If Kenzie was going to cancel all my doctor appointments, what choice did I have? Besides, I didn’t believe a doctor could help me. Not really. Not anymore. But the rubber bands might. I really believed—well, okay, hoped—they would. Shock therapy—it was drastic … but so was my situation.

Sawyer let out an exasperated breath. “ … I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said at last. “You’re still coming, right?”

That phone call had been last night. Now, with shaky fingers, I unlocked the lid to the wooden box. I took out the necklace Jeremy had given me and slipped the “J” off the intricate gold chain. For a moment I held it tight, but then slid it back into the box, replacing it on the chain with Dad’s gold ring.

I tried making it a symbolic gesture—replacing Jeremy’s J with Dad’s ring. Like, the necklace had been given to me with love, but now that love was gone, over. But Dad’s love—that love would go on, never end. No matter what happened, how Dad died, what he might have done, he loved me. I knew that.

So, by replacing the charm on the necklace it made me feel a little better somehow, calmer about seeing Jeremy. Still, when Sawyer arrived I was apprehensive to say the least.

He warily eyed the ten rubber bands around my wrists and scrunched up his forehead as though he had loads to say about my new “therapy.” But he didn’t say a word. Instead he kissed the top of my head.

“Maybe we should just stay here,” I suggested, ready to start snapping my rubber bands, fidgeting with them. “We never hang out here.”

Sawyer grinned. Just a few nights ago he had brought up this very same idea, suggesting we stay here rather than go meet his band. But everything had changed since then. He was stressing that night because he was keeping a secret. He was worried how I would react discovering he and Jeremy were friends. But tonight the pressure was off—as far as he was concerned. His secret was out. He could just sit back and watch the drama.

“Why are you so nervous?” he asked.

“It’s Jeremy. I just—I don’t want to see him.”

Sawyer studied me. “You mean you don’t want to see him with a girl.”

What could I say to that?

“Come on, Jodi,” he took me in his arms. “It’s not like we can avoid him forever. He’s my best friend.”

 I pulled away from him and sat on the couch, trying to get him to do the same. “Sawyer, I made such a fool of myself the other night. Let’s just start over—with new friends. I don’t want to see yours again, ever.”

I heard him take a deep breath. “Jodes, the band—they’re my family.”

I gazed down at my rubber bands knowing he was going to win.

He came over to me, took my hand again, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Look, don’t worry about it, okay? I’ll be with you. I’ll help you through it.”

Finally, I relented—’cause of that family thing he said. How could I deprive him of that?—ask him to give up his family?

When we got to Zack’s girlfriend’s house, I took a deep breath. Sawyer guided me up the steps. I knew it was irrational to be so nervous, but that didn’t really make a difference. Rational or not, I felt like I might throw up.

A tall girl with black-polished fingernails greeted us at the door. She was pretty, with gorgeous dark hair and thick black eyelashes. “I’m Eve,” she informed me as she invited us in.

Her house looked like something out of a magazine. It was decorated in white and a pale shade of yellow. I wondered if I should take my shoes off. Mom used to make us do that when we had light colored carpeting. But Sawyer didn’t take off his, so I didn’t either.

Sawyer put his arm around me. “This is Jodi.”

“Jodi?” She furrowed her brow. “I thought it was Kenzie. How weird.” She waved it off. “I’m so bad with names. Anyway, Jodi, I’m floored to meet you. Sawyer talks about you
constantl
y. Actually though, I was beginning to think you didn’t really exist—the way he kept you from us, like a big secret or something.”

She led us down the hall, into the kitchen. There, Sawyer’s friends were gathered at the table. They were all talking and messing around as we came in. Just seeing them for that moment I could tell they were all really close—tight. Suddenly, more than anything, I wanted to fit in with them, be part of them.

“Here she is everyone,” Eve announced, getting everyone’s attention. “This is Sawyer’s big mystery woman—Jodi.”

“Hi Jodi,” they all greeted me in unison.

Eve had us sit next to her and Zack, which put us directly across from Jeremy and his girlfriend. I accidentally met Jeremy’s gaze as I sat down. He gave me a smile, but I—quick as lightening—looked away.

Groan.

Why did I do that? Why didn’t I just smile back? He was being friendly. And that was what I wanted—needed—us to be friends. Why couldn’t I just be a calm, normal person? Why, why, why? I rubbed at my rubber bands, ready to start snapping.

Sawyer noticed and took my hand under the table. He leaned his forehead against mine. “You’re fine,” he whispered.

Eve gazed at us, practically rolling her eyes, like,
Oh great, love-birds
. Like she was weary of new girls coming into their tight circle and messing with the shape. But then she smiled all fake and I’m-the-exemplary-hostess-like.

“Okay, I’ll give you a quick rundown on who everyone is,” Eve said. “But don’t feel pressured to remember. I mean, there won’t be a
quiz
or anything.” She palmed Zack’s chest. “This here, is the love of my life, Zack. He plays the bass for The Clutch, and as you can see, his favorite color is black.” Zack looked down at his all-black clothes, then raised his eyebrows and smiled at me. He had a nice smile, friendly. It was surprising. Because he looked sort of dangerous, all pierced and tattooed and … dark. But his smile changed all that, made him look less scary, nice even, almost.

Eve went on, “The blond over there’s Micah. He plays the drums.”

One thing I should say about Sawyer’s friends: they looked nothing like him. Sawyer was really clean cut, and proper looking, the boy next-door type of guy. Like he used to be a boy scout. His friends on the other hand, not so much. They looked more like they belonged in a band. Besides the many piercings and tattoos, and long, shaggy hair, they all had an
I belong in a cool band
look about them. I can’t describe it. It was just there. Like—like they just walked out of a heavy band magazine.

They were all hot though, too. Like models. Except Micah. I mean, he looked like a band guy too, just not a model. Not that he was ugly exactly. He wasn’t. He was kind of a mix between homely and cute, with bright, friendly blue eyes, and a large, crooked nose. And he was really tall. And lanky.

Micah gave me a friendly, sort of lopsided, smile. “This is Trista,” he said, gesturing at the girl sitting beside him. “She’s really nice. You’ll like her.”

Trista looked at me with an odd expression, then smiled. “We used to have classes together.”

“We did?”

She nodded. “I sat right behind you in algebra.”

I bit my lip. It was only three years ago! Why didn’t I remember these people? “You look kind of familiar,” I lied.

She laughed, seeming to realize I was totally clueless. “I’m not surprised you didn’t notice me. You seemed to have your mind on
other things
.” Her blue eyes sparkled as she said this and I flushed. It was pretty obvious she was talking about Jeremy. Her eyes cut to him for a second, then dashed away, the smile on her lips wobbling a little. But then she started coughing.

“You okay?” Micah handed her his glass of water.

Eve ignored the coughing—and the couple—instead turning to me. “When was that?” she asked. “I didn’t know you lived here before.”

“Well, I didn’t for very long. I left my freshman year,” I said, praying she didn’t ask for more details. I didn’t want the fact that I knew Jeremy popping into the conversation. I mean, for the people who didn’t already know about it—like his girlfriend, probably. It was a painful subject. One I’d rather bite off my tongue than get into—especially now, tonight, while he was here, sitting right across from me.

“Hm. Well, anyway,” Eve said, apparently not overly interested in me or my past, “to finish the introductions, the stud over there is Jeremy. But you want to stay away from him—unless you want your heart broken into tiny pieces. But hey, if you
want
your heart broken in such a manner, he’s the man to go to—right Jeremy?”