The Storm Before the Calm (10 page)

I tilted my head up to him, inviting him to take, giving myself over to what I hoped was about to happen.

I didn’t have to wait long before Max bowed his head, brushing his lips across mine. It was slow, almost hesitant, but as he kissed me, it became hungrier until he was claiming my mouth in a searing kiss. It was nothing like the kiss I’d shared with Beth Atkins at her birthday party in the sixth grade. This was hot and needy and powerful. Max possessed me—owned me—and I liked it. I shoved my hands into his hair, holding him to me, afraid he would stop. His lips were gentle but demanding as he pushed his tongue into my mouth. It was soft and velvety. I slid mine against his, the wet heat making my head spin.

We broke apart, both of us panting a little as we stared at one another. I felt like my entire world had shifted, not only off its axis but into an entirely different solar system.

“Wow… that was….”

“Yeah,” Max agreed, his eyes kind of unfocused as he looked at me.

My first real kiss and all I could think about was how much I wanted to do it again. I hadn’t expected it to be like that. I hadn’t expected it to be with a guy either. Well, maybe that was a bit untrue. I hadn’t wanted to admit I expected it to be with a guy. But everything clicked into place, and now there was no denying it at all.

“I’m sorry,” Max said quietly. “I know you didn’t want—”

“No, it’s okay,” I interrupted him. I didn’t want him to think for a second I didn’t want that. I did. So much.

“Are you all right?” he asked, apparently still concerned about my mental state.

I grinned at him. “Definitely.”

Max broke out into a mischievous grin that matched my own. “Wanna try it again?”

He didn’t wait for me to answer before he was kissing me again, my back pressed against the mirror. One of his hands braced against it while he slid the other behind my head into my hair, anchoring our mouths together. I felt him moan more than I heard him. I swallowed the sound and returned it with one of my own, the noise making me feel hot and unhinged all at once. I wanted to touch him, to know how his body felt beneath his clothes, but my nerves took hold of me through the haze of lust, and instead I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on.

We kissed until I was light-headed and wobbly. Still, I wished we could have kept going forever. I didn’t want the afternoon to end.

Max ground his hips against me, and I could feel how turned on he was. The thought that I was the one who had done that to him was heady. I could feel the tingling starting at the base of my spine, radiating slowly out toward my balls, and I knew if we kept this up, I was going to come in my pants.

I unclasped my arms from around him and slowly pulled back, wanting to stop and to keep going at the same time.

“We should probably….”

“Slow down,” Max supplied, finishing my thought for me.

“Yeah.”

“And we should probably talk,” he said, pulling me back to the center of the room and down to the floor. We lay down on the floor, Max turning at the last minute to press a quick kiss to the tip of my nose, and then we were there, side by side, staring up at the exposed beams of the stark white ceiling.

“You wanna go first?” Max asked.

I shook my head. Anything I could say was going to come out sounding stupid. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to be talking about anyway.

“Okay.” He paused before continuing. “I like you.”

I turned my head to look at him and found him staring back at me, his face soft and happy.

My stomach flipped at his words. I’d waited so long to hear those words come from anyone, and the fact that Max was saying them to me made tears prick the backs of my eyes. I was being stupid. I needed to get my shit together. What guy cries when another guy says he likes him?

“I like you too,” I said, the sound barely loud enough to travel the short distance between us.

“So when I asked you before if you were gay….”

I let the question hang between us, not sure what answer he wanted. I tried to gather my thoughts, but with the mention of the word “gay,” it was as though my brain had taken amphetamines and was crashing around inside my head.

“I don’t know what I am,” I said finally. It felt wrong, though. I knew. I’d known for a long time, and if there had ever been any doubts, the kisses with Max certainly cleared things up for me.

“That’s a lie,” I admitted. “I am gay.”

I was split open, peeled apart, and my guts lay exposed on the floor of that studio. I exhaled hard, the room tilting slightly as the heaviness of those three little words sunk in.

“That’s the first time I’ve said that out loud. Hell, that’s the first time I’ve said it at all.”

Max reached over and squeezed my hand. “And how do you feel?”

“Lighter.”

Max smiled at me, and everything felt right. “How long have you known?”

I thought about it. “I’ve noticed other boys since I was a little kid. Maybe nine? But I didn’t understand what it meant until much later, and by then there was so much negativity associated with it that I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, even myself, that I am that way.”

“Is your family closed-minded?”

“Not particularly. It’s always just been me and my mom, though. She wanted so badly for my life to be perfect, and she worked her ass off to provide for me. I never wanted to disappoint her in any way. I’m her only kid. I can’t do that to her.”

“You think she’d be disappointed?”

“I can’t take that chance,” I said, fear suddenly flooding back into me. I thought of how my mom and Ginny would react, knowing I was different, that I was the way the kids at school had accused me of being all those years. Panic filled me, and all I wanted to do was bolt. Max held my hand harder, pulling me back into the present.

“Breathe, Charlie. You’re okay.”

I did as he said, taking deep, measured breaths in and out.

Max sat up, and so did I, bringing my body to face his. He never let go of my hand.

“Everyone has to come to grips with who they are in their own time. I’m not going to push you, and I’m definitely not going to out you. But I will be honest. I like you. I’d like to see where this goes.”

It felt like a lot to process. I couldn’t wrap my head around the conflict waging war in my heart. On the one hand, I wanted Max very,
very
much. What we had done together hadn’t felt wrong. It had felt like the missing piece of myself had finally clicked into place. But the thought of someone finding out filled me with a cold dread.

“I’m going to leave this up to you. Okay, Charlie? You call the shots. If this is something you want to pursue, all you have to do is give me the word. Until you decide, I’ll back off. We will just be friends.”

“And you’re okay with that?” I asked, terrified of what his answer would be. Logically, I knew Max was a good person, and he’d said himself that he had no interest in pressuring me, but the scared little kid inside of me was petrified the only friend he’d had in a long time would take this as an opportunity to bail.

“Of course. I think you’re pretty amazing. I’m not an idiot. You’re not going to get away from me that easily, and if all you can give me is your friendship, then I am totally fine with that. I will take what I can get.”

He winked at me, and I felt the knot in my stomach loosen. I had no reason to believe he wasn’t telling the truth.

Max glanced at the clock and looked back at me. “It’s getting pretty late, and I’d say we made more progress today than I ever thought possible.”

I nodded adamantly at that. We’d made progress in more ways than one.

“Should we call it a day? You can go home, get some rest, think about what you want?”

“Yeah.” I stood. The whole day I hadn’t noticed how much my feet ached, but now that our day was finished and I was set to leave Max, the ache crept back in.

“Are you free tomorrow?” Max asked.

“I am,” I replied.

“Same time, then? If we buckle down, I bet we can get the rest of the choreography done tomorrow for the first song and if we’re lucky maybe move on to the second?”

“Definitely,” I said optimistically. I was relieved we had a solid date for when we would see one another again, and deep down I was delighted it was so soon. Even if in the end Max and I only remained friends, I loved spending time with him.

We wandered out the front door together. I waited for him to lock up before I said good-bye and walked back toward the subway.

Chapter Eleven

A
UNT
G
INNY
was waiting for me when I got home, an array of take-out menus fanned between her fingers like cards in a hand of poker.

“You’re here!” she greeted me as I walked through the door. She held the collection out toward me. “What do you feel like for dinner? I’m
starving
.”

I was still feeling a little light-headed from earlier, and hunger? What was that?

“I’m good with anything you want,” I said, smiling at her.

She narrowed her eyes at me, appraising, and for a brief moment, the panic kicked in. Could she tell? Did I look different or move differently somehow? But her appraising look transformed into one of delight.

“Barbeque? I know we said barbeque this morning. I could really go for some baked beans and cornbread.”

“Whatever you’d like.”

“Great. Jimmy’s has the best barbeque on the Upper West Side. I’ll call right now. What do you want?”

She handed me the menu, and I looked it over, but it all looked the same to me. I couldn’t concentrate on the words or think about the taste of the tangy sauce when all I could ever remember tasting was Max.

I randomly chose a couple of dishes and told her I was going to jump in the shower. I could hear her placing the order as I walked down the hallway to the bathroom.

I closed the door behind me and undressed quickly, piling my clothes in the corner. I stared at myself in the mirror, my eyes traveling over every millimeter of skin. I knew I was being ridiculous, but there had to be something about me, something that screamed “homo.” How had the guys at school known? I certainly had never said anything, and it’s not like they’d ever caught me with another guy.

I gave up after a few exhaustive minutes, turned the shower on, and stepped under the spray. I took a moment to quietly thank whatever God was looking out for me that not everyone in the world had figured it out as easily as Dylan had. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d had to see disappointment clouding my mom’s eyes. My whole life I’d tried to be everything she wanted me to be, but I was beginning to figure out these feelings I had were so deeply ingrained in me there was never going to be anything I was able to do to melt them away. I was stuck feeling like this forever, and the only choice I had in the matter was whether or not to act on it.

My thoughts turned to Max and the way he’d looked at me right before he kissed me, that look of want that made my head spin and my heart race. I could feel that same stirring again, my skin getting hot and tight and the pleasant ache settling into my groin. Here, alone in the shower with the water cascading down, making my body slick, I was so tempted to give in, to touch and stroke and tease and bring myself off thinking about the man who had turned my life upside down with one kiss.

I clenched my hands into fists. Max had left the choice up to me, to pursue things with him or not. I still hadn’t decided, and somehow it felt wrong to think of him like that if I wasn’t yet sure what I was going to do. The temptation was strong, and to help myself abstain, I turned the water as cold as I could stand it.

I finished scrubbing quickly, touching myself only as much as was necessary to wash away the sweat from the dancing and the grime from the subway. I turned off the water, then stepped out of the tub and wrapped a towel around my waist. The air in the bathroom was warm compared to the water of the shower, and it felt good against my skin. I dried quickly and dressed, then headed back into the living room. Ginny was seated on the couch, her feet tucked up underneath her, remote in hand.

“Come sit down,” she said. “The food will be here shortly.”

I nodded and crossed the room, joining her on the couch. She flipped though channels, only stopping for a fraction of a second on each. I wasn’t sure why she wasn’t using the guide, but the method seemed to work for her, and eventually she settled on a reality show following makeup artists.

“How did it go today?” Ginny asked.

“It was good. We got a lot done. I think the piece is going to be great. Max is a genius when it comes to choreography, and he listened to my ideas too. It was kinda fun, actually, to be on the other side of things.” I didn’t add I’d also had my first real kiss and I thought I could very well fall in love with another guy.

“What’s the piece for?”

“A festival of some sort at the end of the summer. I don’t have all the details yet.”

I felt awful lying to her, especially when she was being so nice to me, opening her home so I could stay for the summer, but I didn’t want her getting suspicious. I had an inkling she might have guessed something was up already, just from the looks she’d given me. I didn’t want to give her any more reason to suspect. At least not until I had figured things out in my head. Everything was still a jumbled mass of feelings and hormones and fear and uncertainty.

“Well, keep me updated. I’d love to come see you dance. It’s been an age since I last saw you.”

“I will for sure,” I promised.

The food arrived shortly after, and Ginny set the containers out on the coffee table in the living room while I fetched the plates and cutlery from the kitchen. We’d decided on laptop dining and a movie—a new comedy on Netflix.

I didn’t see much of the movie. That is, I watched it, but none of it registered. I tried to laugh when Ginny laughed, but I’m sure I missed at least a joke or two. My mind was elsewhere, and no amount of effort could keep it from wandering back to the same place. As the sun dipped down below the Hudson and the lights of the city popped on, memories of the afternoon I’d spent with Max became more and more vivid.