The Stepmother: An Everland Ever After Tale (10 page)

As she sobbed in the moonlight, the only shred of goodness she could cling to was
Thank the Lord I didn’t tell him that I love him.

He had no way of knowing how long he’d been asleep when an icy pressure against his cheek startled Jack into opening his eyes. He was curled on his side, the blanket tight around him; a throwback to the long winters in Sing Sing, where body warmth was the only warmth to be had. He blinked in the darkness, and the pressure increased.

It wasn’t until he rolled onto his back—there on the pallet in front of the hearth—and a second hand joined the first on his other cheek, when he understood.

“Jack? Are you awake?”

“I am now.” He could feel her kneeling beside him in the darkness, and her hands were like ice against his beard. “Have you been outside without your gloves this whole time?” How late was it? How many hours had passed since he’d left her—kissed her and left her—out there in the cold? Long enough to fall into a fitful, guilt-ridden sleep, that was for sure.

“I’ve been thinking, Jack.” She sounded like she’d been crying, and his gut tightened further. How to explain to her? He had to leave, to keep her safe. To keep Zelle safe.

He tried to sit up, but her cold hands stopped him, pressing him back against the blankets. “No, stay there. Stay.” He heard her take a breath, and then reposition herself. “I stood out there and I thought, Jack. I thought about the way you made me feel, the way you kissed me. And then I thought about how I felt when you told me you were leaving, and I decided…”

When she trailed off, he took her hands in his, rubbing them for warmth. He knew from experience that if her fingers were this icy, her cheeks and nose would be worse.

Another deep breath. “And I decided that I wasn’t going to just accept your decision. I was going to fight you on it.” He heard her holding that breath, like she was waiting for his reaction, but he just kept calmly rubbing her hands between his. A little huff of irritation, and she pulled her hands away. “Did you hear me? I’m going to fight.”

Fight. He knew enough about that, the good Lord knew. So he kept his voice even when he asked, “What are you going to fight, Meri?” and reached for her hands again. Let her be angry; as long as her fingers warmed up.

“You!” Another huff, and she threw herself down on the blanket beside him. He sat up, cautiously, feeling for her shoulders. She was still in her coat, thank goodness. After the way she’d kissed him—kissed him
back
—outside, he didn’t need any more temptation.

“Why are you fighting me?”

“I’m fighting
for
you, Jack!” And then she exhaled, and seemed to collapse against him. Catching her in his arms, he unconsciously shifted and pulled her close until her head rested against his shoulder. He silently cursed himself.
So much for keeping my distance from her
. The kiss must’ve addled him, and why not? She’d tasted even better than he’d remembered, and had felt so damn
right
in his arms. Having her here again felt right, even if he didn’t understand her.

She sighed slightly, and snuggled closer. He adjusted his seat and brought his free hand to her cheek. Yep, freezing alright. There wasn’t anything more he could do than he was already doing, so he just held her, and willed her to warm up fast, before his resolve completely melted away.

We’re leaving in the morning. She’s staying here.

“I don’t know why you want to leave me, Jack, but I don’t want you to go. I needed to tell you that, to fight to keep you.”

“You don’t need to do that.” He wasn’t worth it.

“Please don’t go. I’m not sorry for the kiss, but… I don’t want you to go.”

It broke his heart to hear her begging him for anything. He wasn’t worth this, and didn’t know how to explain it. Maybe he should just come out and tell her, watch her regard for him slip away. Then she would understand why he wasn’t fit for her or Everland, why he needed to leave. Hell, he wasn’t even fit for Zelle, but he was all she had now. “Meri, you don’t und—”

“I shouldn’t have told you about…about what Bernard did. That was what made you decide—”

“
No
.” He squeezed her tighter, willing her to believe him. “No. I…I was glad that you shared that with me.” Honored that she’d open up like that to him. “And I’m sorry that it had to happen to someone as kind-hearted and loving as you.” He tried swallowing down his anger at the memory of her expression as she described what the man had done. “I would’ve killed him for something like that.”

She stiffened in his arms. “Don’t say such a thing.”

“Why not? It’s true. He was a bad man, Meri.”

“I know, and that’s why I left. But you shouldn’t…” She relaxed against him once more. “You shouldn’t say something like that so flippantly. I know that you could never take another’s life; not after the way I’ve seen you work so hard to save one.”

The harsh bark of laughter her faith in him wrenched from his lips was entirely accidental. She had no idea. After two months living in this cabin with him, she still didn’t know him. He hadn’t
let
her know him.

Meri poked him in the side. “This isn’t a laughing matter. You are a caring, honorable man, devoted to helping others.” Then her voice quieted, like she got shy or something. “The exact kind of man I came west to marry.”

Thanking God that this conversation was taking place in the dark, he eased himself down to the blankets again, taking her with him. Not that it was such a good idea to have her lying beside him all snuggly, but because he needed a moment to think. He’d been dead asleep just a few minutes ago, and she probably was exhausted too. Sure enough, as soon as he stacked his arm behind his head and crossed his bare feet at the ankle, she curled up against his side, her head pillowed on his upper arm and her cheek pressed against his side.

He tried to ignore how
right
it felt.

“Meri…I’m not that man. I’m sorry I can’t be.” She didn’t say anything. “I never was. I…” He took a deep breath. How to convince her that he wasn’t honorable, wasn’t caring? How much could he tell her without losing her faith entirely?

But wait. He
wanted
to lose her faith. He wanted her to know why he was leaving, and wanted her to be okay with it. To not just understand, but agree that it was best if he walked out of her life. Unconsciously, his arm tightened around her. Yeah, he’d tell her about Witcher.

Swallowing, he opened his mouth, but no sound emerged. This was what he wanted, dammit. But purposefully ruining her faith in him was harder than he thought it’d be.

He tried again. “I’m not that man, Meri.”

“Who are you, then?” She sounded sleepy, and he knew that he had to get out his explanation before she passed out in his arms.

“I’m not Zelle’s father.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m not. I don’t know who is. I…I found her.” He closed his eyes on the memory of her shining in the grayness and filth of Lefty’s den.

“What do you mean?” A yawn that she couldn’t fight.

“She was in a man’s…possession in New York. I went there, after—”
After I got out of prison
. “I went to meet him. I saw her, I saw what he was doing to her, what he had planned for her, and I…I took her.” He’d waited in disgusted silence as Lefty had described selling her to the highest bidder, because she was royalty and “some gents’ll pay more,” and then when the man’s back was turned, Jack had bashed the corpulent man’s head in with a chair leg. He found himself telling Meri everything; how Lefty had laughed and kicked at the huddled little girl when she’d sniffled; how the blood had bloomed from the back of his head like some kind of macabre flower when Jack struck him; how Jack had held Zelle and watched Lefty’s life drain away, feeling sick and triumphant all at once.

“He had a sack of gold, he’d said was from…from his boss.” From
their
boss. “From her buyer. I took that, and her.” The little girl had clung to him, whimpering softly against his neck in her filthy white dress, and he’d known then that he would never let her go.

“I told her that she was safe, now, and that I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt her again. She never cried, not once, but it took her a long time to speak to me.”

“How old was she?” He honestly hadn’t been sure if she was awake.

“This was last year. So maybe two years? A year and a half? Lefty said she was royalty, although I don’t know how that could be. I called her ‘Princess’ as a joke, but she smiled the first time I said it, and…” And his heart had belonged to her from that moment on.

“Where’d you get the name ‘Zelle’?”

“That’s what she called herself, when she finally answered. I thought that maybe she was from someplace really foreign, because it was an odd name. But I didn’t have any way of finding her people, and besides…”
Zelle was mine.

Meri didn’t respond for a long while, and he knew what that meant. She’d finally realized what he’d been trying to tell her; he wasn’t a good man. He’d done horrible things—he’d killed a man just to take Zelle—and now he had to leave. To protect them all.

She finally said, her voice so tiny he had to strain to hear it, “Do you love her?”

He knew what she was asking, and part of him wanted to lie, just to crush any last faith she had in him. But he couldn’t. His arm tightened around her.
Do you love her
? The problem was that he had two
hers
in his life, and he was falling
too
hard for one of them. “Yes.” He loved her, but didn’t let himself ponder on which
her
he meant.

But loving her didn’t matter. He had to leave, to keep them all safe. “There’s a man. He’s coming after me and her. I knew that we weren’t safe, no matter how far we went, not with the kind of money I took. The money we’ve been living off of.” He thought about the conversation in town today. “I figured we’d be safe for the winter, so I settled here until the snows melted, but he’s on his way.” She didn’t answer. “I found out that he’s coming here, soon, and I can’t let him have her, Meri. I’m going to take her up into Montana, up past the fur-traders and into Canadian territory. Find a little house deep in the mountains where no one knows us, and live.”

“Hide.”

He turned his chin towards her, even though he figured her eyes were closed, and knowing that no one could see a thing anyhow. “Yeah. I’ll hide. He’s a dangerous man, and he’ll have others.” Jack should know; he’d been one of those
others
years ago, before following one too many of Witcher’s orders had landed him in Sing Sing. “They’re ruthless, and the only thing I can do is hide her.” His throat began to close up. “I’m done killing, Meri.” He’d only told her about Lefty, not about what he’d done for Witcher as a kid. “I don’t want to do that again, and I don’t want Zelle to see that. I’d rather run and hide.”

She was quiet, and he breathed a little sigh of relief that she finally understood. She finally realized that her faith in him was misplaced, and that he wasn’t worthy of her admiration. He told himself that it didn’t matter if she considered him a coward for running, and it didn’t matter if she thought he was a terrible person for what he did to Lefty. He’d known that one day she’d see that in him, and was glad that he’d forced her to realize it before he’d gone and done something stupid.

Like falling in love with her.

This
is why he’d kept a part of himself separate for the last two months; this was why he’d done his best to discourage her. She had to see him as he really was, not this honorable, caring doctor she thought she’d known. This realization was what he’d been expecting, and the reason he’d confessed it all to her tonight. This is what he wanted.

So how come her rejection felt so damn bad?