The Stepmother (39 page)

I had just gathered up the contents of the laundry box when I heard a knock at the front door. “Use your key!” I yelled. I came downstairs with an assortment of dirty clothes, peered through the glass, then yanked open the door. “Jimmy! What are you doing here?”

“Hi, Bea.”

“The girls aren't in.”

“Actually, I came to see you,” he said. “Can I help you with that?” He reached out to take some of the clothes, but the disturbance upset the critical mass and they tumbled about my feet.

“Sorry. Made more work for you, as usual.”

We both crouched down. My knee touched his. He was very close. I gathered up the tank tops, socks, shirts, and pants, suddenly nervous.

“I'm afraid I haven't got much to offer you except herbal tea.”

“Herbal tea is perfect.”

We walked through to the kitchen, me in the lead, Jimmy following, as we had done countless times before. On his territory, he always let me go first too, and I wondered why I hadn't let myself see that all he had ever done was try to put me first.

I racked my brain to work out why he was here. “I thought you'd be with Tessa at Liz's,” I said, stuffing the dirty laundry into the machine, irrespective of color or creed.

“I was,” he said, pulling out a pine chair.

“Oh.” I filled the kettle with London's finest. “How are they coping?”

“A bit too soon to say. Tessa's main concern is where Liz is going to live now. She wants to be with her mother.”

“In the country?” I turned off the tap.

Jimmy shrugged.

“Are you moving to the country, Jimmy? Is that why you're here?” I could feel my voice rising in panic. I didn't want to be any more of a single parent than I already was. He let me down often and, yes, he did make more work for me, but the girls knew he was around the corner if they needed him. Jimmy was closer to his children than many of the other fathers I knew. He was a regular in their lives, not a visitor. I didn't want him to become one. “Because that does concern us.”

“I know, Bea. I don't know where to start. Could you sit down, please?” I realized I was waving a full kettle in the air. I plugged it in and switched it on. Then I sat down. “What is it? What's going on?”

Jimmy reached out and took my hand. He held it gently, his thumb resting between the knuckles of my fore and index fingers. He closed his eyes.

Please don't tell me you're dying. Please. Please, God, don't tell me that. Don't.

“Tessa told me about the baby.”

I snatched my hand away, repelled by the soft human contact. He took it again, firmer, and held it. “It's okay,” he said. “You did nothing wrong.”

I snorted. “No. There's nothing wrong in murdering a perfectly healthy child because you couldn't face a few more fucking pounds. Well, the pounds came anyway, so he died for nothing.”

I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd slapped me. I had spat the words out with the sneering anger I'd heard in Amber's voice many times, and hated its ugliness. I tried to pull away but he held on to my hand. I was shocked. I thought I was feeling better, but the poisonous anger hadn't gone very far.

“I didn't mean it like that. I meant you did nothing wrong in the circumstances. Bea, I'm not surprised that the thought of another baby sent you over the edge. You were right, it was too much, we couldn't
afford another, and if I'd had an eye on you we would probably have come to that conclusion together. I was in the wrong, Bea. Not you.”

“You wouldn't have recommended we get rid of it,” I said. Jimmy was too soft for that. “Not in a million years.”

“You're wrong, Bea. Another child meant being even more beholden to your damn mother, which I have always resented,” he said. “Somehow I think I blamed you for that.”

“Me? I'm the one who hated it.”

“I know. But you had the heart to put your pride and ego aside and do what was best for our children, knowing you'd be made to pay over and over again.” He stood up and went to the cupboard above the kettle.

I had forgotten about my offer of herbal tea. I let him take over.

“I took my injured pride and decided to act all self-important and convince myself that my job was bigger, harder, and more of a self-sacrifice than yours,” said Jimmy, throwing tea bags into mugs. “If I was half the person you are, I would have suggested I stay at home and you go back to work. At least we'd have had a chance then. Remember the offer from the
FT
?”

I tried not to.

“I knew I was doing it, too. I drove you to this.” He put the kettle down without pouring the water. When he turned to look at me, there were tears in his eyes. “If there's blood on anyone's hands, it's mine.”

I stood up and went to him. “No, Jimmy,” I said, putting my arms around him. “No.”

He leaned into my embrace, but he wouldn't be swayed. “You've always protected me, haven't you? But this
was
my fault, not yours.” I could hear his heartbeat. It matched my own. He brushed a hand over my hair. “No wonder you hated me,” he whispered.

“I never hated you.”

“Yes, you did.” He searched my face. “You couldn't even look at me. And I understand why. I'm just so sorry I pushed you into that lonely place.”

“But I was determined to stay there. However much you loved me, I wouldn't let it be enough. I didn't deserve anyone's love after what I'd done.”

“That's your mother talking, and it isn't true. You are loved, by everyone who knows you. The only sad thing is you don't realize it.”

I wanted to stay there and listen to the reassuring thump of his heart forever. Perhaps it could beat for both of us. Because mine was broken.

“They say that the fetus might be able to feel pain—” My voice was strangled. I started to cry.

“Oh, my darling, no one knows that.”

“But I read—”

“It wouldn't be allowed if that was the case.”

“They're trying to change it.”

“Who? The
Daily Mail
? Religious fanatics? We didn't want four children. My regret isn't that we didn't have the child, it's that we didn't make the decision instantly and save you from all this unnecessary pain. The guilt is mine now. You did nothing wrong.”

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you.”

“I'm devastated I didn't let you. There are so many things I'd change if I could.”

“Me too,” I replied. We stood holding each other against the cheap kitchen cabinets for a long time, my cheek resting against his chest, his arms encircling me. I felt safe. “I didn't know it was a boy until afterward,” I said.

“What difference would it have made, Bea?”

“You always wanted one.”

“I haven't wanted a boy since the second the doctor handed Maddy to me. I'm ecstatic with what I've got. Our girls are perfect dragon-slayers in the making, which is mostly thanks to you, since my input has been negligible.”

“Dragon-slayers?”

“I'll explain another time.”

“Your input is vital, Jimmy. Jesus, why do you think I feel so guilty about walking out on you? On top of everything else, you're the first and most important relationship our girls will have with a man. I'll happily do all the ironing if you hold Lulu's hand and tell her she's brilliant and study Maddy's drawings as closely as you would a van Gogh. And I'll cook a million fish fingers if you promise to spend time with
them that doesn't equate to that strange combination of spoiling them and neglecting them.”

He held me away from him. “I'm not going to do that anymore.”

“I'm not saying it's easy to be a part-time father. In fact, it must be one of the hardest things in the world. Of course you want to spoil them when you haven't seen them for days, but I know for a fact that the girls would rather you do join-the-dots with them than take them somewhere exciting.”

“Tessa said much the same thing.”

Tessa. The bubble popped and I withdrew my arms from around my former husband. I poured water onto the waiting tea bags and sat down again at the kitchen table. “I did wonder about the clean uniforms that came back those Sundays.”

“All Tessa.”

“Does she know you're here?” I asked. I wasn't shit-stirring. I genuinely didn't want to think Jimmy was sneaking off behind her back after everything she'd done for me. I wanted to win, but I wanted it to be a clean fight. Jimmy looked at me. Isn't it funny how sometimes you can scream silently in your head at your partner and they don't sense even a tremble, yet at other times the tiniest murmur of a thought and a ticker tape appears across their forehead, sending you a “receiving loud and clear” message?

“I see,” I said. This had been Tessa's idea. “She didn't throw you out, did she?”

“No, it was all very gently done. She asked me to work it out, once and for all. I have fallen in love with her, Bea, but she made me realize that if I don't change, she and I are heading down the same path. I couldn't have been more in love with you, yet it went wrong, and that scares the shit out of me. I thought about everything she said, putting my head in the sand, switching off, taking criticism as a personal attack, refusing to see that I'm biased toward Amber, and, frankly, doing the bare minimum with the younger two and expecting applause every time.” He looked out over the garden. “We went on a long walk and talked it through.” He closed his eyes briefly, remembering something I wasn't part of. “I swore to her I'd change. And I will. As of today.”

I was grateful he was looking away, afraid he'd see the hurt in my
face. He hadn't been able to make these changes for me. Yet it was all I'd ever asked for. I had to be very brave now. And brave for a long time afterward.

“I know that Tessa is concerned because of how she and I deal with our children. It's the only thing we've ever argued about.”

I swallowed hard. This was the bit I feared most. “What about Tessa having some of her own? Does she want kids?”

“I'm fairly sure she does.”

“You haven't talked about it?” I asked, surprised.

Jimmy faced me. Then he shook his head. “It probably won't come as a surprise to you that I've sort of ducked the subject.”

“Do
you
want more?” I asked. I waited for his reply. It took a minute.

“Can't say I'm longing for them, no.”

“Have you told her?”

“I think she's afraid to ask.”

“Jimmy!”

“I know.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I like where we're at with our girls. Let's be honest, the baby years weren't a barrel of laughs, were they? Do I want to go back there, now, at my age?”

“You loved it when Amber was a baby,” I insisted, coming to our children's defense, Tessa's defense.

Jimmy nodded. “But then I had no idea what lay ahead. We were young, I wasn't working, and, of course, I knew her so well.”

“You have to know them all.”

“I physically wasn't able to.”

“You don't have to be physically there, Jimmy. You have to be mentally there. That's what I'm telling you. You have to
want
to be there, or she's right, it will happen again. Jimmy, you have to tell her or you've lost her anyway.”

“How can I say, ‘It's okay for me to have kids but, sorry, do you mind if you don't?'”

I placed my hands on the table, wanting to make my point. “Maybe she doesn't want them. Maybe you're assuming too much.”

“What woman in her late thirties doesn't want kids?”

“I don't know. By the end of your thirties you might have seen
enough to know it's not all gurgles and talcum powder. She has quite enough kids in her life as it is, what with Cora and Caspar and whatever the rest are called. Either way, you have to tell her.”

“It was tough, wasn't it, having them so close?” he said.

“My perineum has never been the same,” I replied.

Jimmy laughed, but seconds later he was serious again. “It's funny talking to you two. You both keep defending the other when I expect the opposite to happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“Tessa told me that if I could change for her, shouldn't I be prepared to change for the mother of my children? The truth is, I'm here because of her, Bea.” He reached over and took my hand. “But I'm glad I am.”

I blinked at him, unable to gauge the fathoms below me. Had she told him I wanted him back? Or did I have to do that for myself? It was possible he was just clearing the air so that he could go back and tell her, “Job done.” Or maybe he was finished with the lot of us, and a bachelor life was what he sought. Women were complicated, there was no denying it, and he had quite a few in his life. “What are you saying?” I asked. The time for second-guessing was over.

Jimmy rubbed his face. “I don't want to get this wrong again, Bea. I don't want to mess up your life, Tessa's life, or, God forbid, the girls' lives, and I don't want to fuck up mine either. I don't want to regret doing or not doing something. I don't want to fix something that should have been left alone and I don't want to leave something alone that should have been fixed. None of this is Tessa's or the girls' fault. The responsibility is ours and we need to sort it out.”

I sensed a waver. Could it be he still loved me? If I could use the children, our history, as bait, and reel him in. But what about the person who'd returned him to my table? What did I owe her?

“You know she loves you very much, don't you?” I blurted out before I changed my mind.

“Yes, I do. It hurt leaving her, Bea. It hurt watching her try to do the right thing. This is a fucking nightmare, but I've always told Tessa I loved you and you left me and that broke my heart.” He flattened his hand on his chest. “I can't look her in the eye now and tell her I never loved you.”