The Stepmother (29 page)

“I had to go searching through her desk. I couldn't find it but, as Bea always told me, I can't find most things that are in front of my nose. It was the name I noticed. Sophie Guest. I don't even know why I looked at it. It was a medical report, a fetal autopsy, if you like. It told me in bold print that the eighteen-week fetus that had been removed was a normal specimen, male. I've had three children. I've seen them, their perfectly formed selves, on a screen at twelve weeks. Fingernails, toes, eyelashes, fully formed babies. At twelve weeks, Tessa, they are perfect.”

I knew that. Claudia's baby had floated happily in her mother's amniotic fluid, sucking her thumb, at twelve weeks. On a black-and-white lunar photo, I'd felt a presence I could not ignore. A couple of weeks later, I saw that same perfect form, still. Lifeless. The minuscule heart had inexplicably stopped beating.

“Sophie is Bea's middle name,” said James, running his hands through his hair. “Guest is her mother's maiden name. But that wasn't what made me click. I assumed it was a wrong address and Bea was planning to post it back to the sender, some discreet address in Islington. I thought how very sad for poor Sophie Guest, blood type O. Then I saw the date of birth and literally froze. Sophie Guest was not Sophie Guest, she was my wife, and the boy that had been ‘removed' was my son. Or so I thought that night.”

“What did you do?”

He sighed. “Tried to forgive her.” He was staring into his lap. “I think I was in shock, actually. I wanted it to be someone else's.”

I understood that.

“But she swore she hadn't been with anyone else. I didn't know what was worse. Either way, the trust was broken. I couldn't believe she'd got rid of our child without talking to me. It was awful. We stopped speaking, we stopped…well, everything died between us. It was always there in the room. The awful…truth.”

“What happened?”

James straightened up. “Eventually she put me out of my misery and confessed that the child had not been mine. Shortly afterward, she left. She never told me whose child I'd been mourning.”

I didn't know what to say. Responses formed in my head. Questions. Accusations. Recriminations. I sprang from shock to disbelief to anger and back to shock again. But words? Well, they failed me. What do you say to that? All I could do was take James's hand in mine and squeeze it.

“Meadowlands,” he said, shaking his head from side to side. He looked at me finally, utterly dejected. “The clinic. It was called Meadowlands. It sounded so nice.”

I leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips. Then again, harder, feeding him love, filling him up again. Trying to make it all better. I clicked out of my seat belt and leaned into him, over him, kept on kissing. I wanted him to wrap himself up in the memory of it when he was in L.A. I wanted him to think about our future, not about the son he had lost and then lost again.

W
E PULLED UP OUTSIDE THE NONDESCRIPT BUILDING ON THE OUTSKIRTS
of Epsom and I turned to the passenger seat. The poker face Amber had kept up since she'd got into the front of my Mini matched her father's. But it didn't bother me so much. In fact, I was beginning to see through it. The poker face itself was a tell. So I acknowledged it and moved on. “I know that was quite a long journey and I'm sorry, but you'll soon see it was worth it. Come on, the surprise is inside. Now, remember, not a word to Daddy when he rings. This is a surprise for him too.”

The girls climbed out of the back. I could tell that Maddy and Lulu were excited, because they kept looking about, half-expecting the Seven Dwarfs to jump out from behind a bush. I rang the buzzer and a girl with an impressive array of alloys through her ears and nose let us in. Maddy and Lulu stared, agog. Amber pretended not to notice.

“You must be Tessa. Carlos is expecting you. Down the corridor, third door on the left.” She turned to the girls and flashed them a metallic smile. “Can I get you ladies some drinks? Juice, Coke, Fanta—we've got those Innocent smoothies in cartons. That's what the Belles drink.”

“The Bonne Belles?” asked Amber.

The receptionist nodded. “We've had them here all week.” It was Innocent smoothies all around.

I watched the mask fall from Amber's face.

“So you're the one with the voice,” said the She-Jaws.

Amber glanced at me for confirmation.

“Yes,” I said. “But we've got a couple of backup singers here too.”

Maddy and Lulu looked at Amber and they all laughed nervously.

“What are you called?”

“Lulu,” said Lulu.

“I think that name's taken,” said the girl.

Lulu frowned.

“I mean your band's name, one lead singer and two backup singers, like the Supremes.”

More frowns. “The Three Degrees.”

“A little before their time,” I said.

“Eternal, then?”

They were laughing now, mostly at the metal woman, because they had no idea what she was talking about.

“Come on, let's get you down there and all will be revealed,” I said.

Their curiosity piqued, they set off at a run. I tapped on the door and pushed it open. Carlos leaned back in his chair, feet on the mixing desk, an unlit cigar in his mouth. “Tessa, come in, come in.”

But I couldn't. Three girls stood on the studio threshold and stared. A bank of tiny buttons and slides swung wide in front of them, a crescent moon of magic technology. Beyond that there was a glass wall and a room that looked like an instrument shop. Guitars were propped up, a huge synthesizer, a piano, saxophones, three drum kits…

“Sorry about the mess. We haven't had time to clear up from yesterday. But we're all set.”

In the middle stood a solitary mic. Amber turned, wide-eyed, to me.

“I thought,” I said, steering her and the other two into the room, “that you could record your best-man song and we could have a few CDs made for the rest of your family. What do you think?”

The smile said “I'd love to,” but a line of hesitation was etched between her eyebrows. “I haven't got the words or the music.”

“Don't worry. That's taken care of. It's the music to ‘Can't Help Loving That Man of Mine,' right?”

She nodded.

“Well, a good friend of mine provided me with your brilliant words.” I thought for a second it was going to backfire and she would storm off, so I took her hand to keep her with me. “Your dad would so love it and I thought the girls could be backup singers.”

Immediately, they were jumping up and down, and Carlos, a big softy, gave them enormous handheld microphones. Amber still hesitated.

“So, how about it, Amber? Do you want to make a record?” asked Carlos.

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” she said. Maddy and Lulu looked nervous all of a sudden.

“It will be,” I insisted.

“How do you know about it?”

“Fran told me. She says it's brilliant. She told me how hard you and Caspar worked on it.”

Amber leaned against the wall. “He should be here.”

“Would you like him to be?” I asked gently.

Her face creased. “I've been so mean to him.”

“He didn't say anything to me,” I said.

“You mean it? He doesn't hate me?”

“No, Amber, far from it.”

“Really?”

I was fairly sure of this, since he was hiding in the next room, waiting for my all-clear, desperate to be a legitimate part of her life again. I nodded.

She looked again, longingly, at the mic. “We shouldn't do it without him.”

“Pleeeeeeeease, Amber, can we?” begged Lulu.

“I'd love to, really I would, but it isn't right. He did all the hard work.”

I smiled. “What if I told you he was here?” I opened the door to the corridor. “Caspar!”

Amber yelped with stunned excitement, then clamped her hand over her mouth.

“What is it?” I asked. Something was scaring her. Had I got this wrong?

“What about Mum and Dad?”

“They're not here.”

“Oh, Tessa, I…” She swallowed.

“Don't you want to see him?”

“I do, it's just…I told a terrible lie. I blamed him for something he didn't do.”

“The dress,” I said, as quietly as possible. Amber's eyes darted over her sisters' heads. She gave a brief nod. That was all I needed to see and hear. I pulled her close and lowered my voice further. “You're a great girl, Amber, a
great
girl. I think we've all put too much pressure on you recently and I'm sorry for that. I also happen to know that Caspar is a very special person. We'll work everything else out. Don't worry. I know we can't talk here, and you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but I'm here for you if you need me.”

She blinked.

“So? Are we going to do this?” I asked, straightening up.

Maddy and Lulu, as ever, looked to their older sister. Suddenly, Amber threw off her jacket and grinned. “You bet.” The other two immediately followed suit.

Relieved, I called Caspar's name again.

“Darlin',” said Carlos. “You're going to have to yell louder than that. All the rooms are soundproofed.”

“Why don't you go and get him, Amber?” I suggested. “He's in studio eight.”

Amber looked fit to burst.

“Go on. He's longing to see you.”

She bit her lip, then suddenly propelled herself out of the room.

“Young love,” said Carlos. “Bloody liability.”

Maddy pointed her microphone at him. “That's a rude word and you're not allowed to say it. Twenty p, please.”

Carlos pulled his boots off the desk. “I'm sorry. You're absolutely right.”

I grinned. Carlos was known for reducing starlets to tears in order to get a decent note out of them, not handing over coins for an eight-year-old's swear box.

When Amber and Caspar rejoined us, I noticed with pleasure that her chin was a little redder than when she'd left. Now, Caspar wasn't the hirsute type, but neither was he lacking in a bit of facial growth these days. Oh, the joys of snogging and nothing more.

He and the girls went behind the glass, he took up position with his guitar, and I sneaked a photo on my mobile to send to Fran and Nick, my coconspirators. He looked divine, sitting there tuning up. Amber was watching him with the awe I reserved for Eric Clapton.

I knew that Carlos was humoring me, until Amber stepped up to the microphone and sang a scale for him. She had an extraordinarily throaty sound for someone so young. The brief look he flashed me halfway through was enough. The girl could sing. It was as simple as that. Now Carlos wanted to know what he could get out of her. Occasionally, I heard a buzz from Amber's jacket pocket. I told her she had some messages and a few missed calls. She came out of the studio and checked her phone.

“Everything all right?” I asked, when she listened worriedly to a particularly long one.

“My friend's just been dumped,” she said.

I grimaced.

The phone wouldn't stop buzzing. Eventually, Amber switched it off.

 

W
E HAD A FABULOUS TIME
. First there were a couple of versions of Caspar and Amber's song for James, with the girls on percussion and chorus duties. Then, bitten by the bug, we sat down with sandwiches and made a list of James's favorite songs and, within seconds, Carlos had summoned the words and music from his computer for Amber to do a grand karaoke. The little ones did a version of “Do Re Mi,” which was hilarious. They lacked their sister's sound, but their giggles, chatter, and interruptions made something I knew James would treasure forever. Even Carlos, who lived his life with one eye on the clock, forgot the time.

It was Maddy's watery-eyed yawn that made me glance at my watch. Somehow it was nearly six.

Carlos got kisses from all of the girls and a manly handshake from Caspar.

I took my troupe outside. As ever, the younger two chatted excitedly about moments in the day that had set firm in their memory, but for once Amber joined in: “Do you remember, Tessa, when Carlos…”

“And, Tessa, what about when…”

“Tessa, wasn't Caspar brilliant?”

Tessa this, Tessa that…I absolutely loved it. But, more than anything, I loved it when we reached the car and Amber pushed the front seat forward for her sisters to climb in, then straightened. “Thank you, Tessa. That was one of the most brilliant things I've ever done.”

I noticed a thin streak of jet fuel cross the indigo sky high above us and thought of James, still thirty-five thousand feet above sea level. Down here on earth things were changing, and he hadn't even arrived in Los Angeles.

“My pleasure,” I said. “Right, you lot, budge up. We've got to drop Caspar at the station.”

“Can't he come with us?” asked Amber.

“No room. Sorry.”

She and Caspar tried to hide their disappointment. I tossed an idea around my head. “You could get the train back together as long as you come straight home from the station.”

They promised. It was only forty minutes on the train from Epsom station. They would probably be home before we were. “If you get there first, put the pasta on. I made a Bolognese sauce earlier. It's in the fridge and just needs heating up.”

“You sound like Mum,” said Caspar.

I smiled. “I'll take that as a compliment.”

 

A
CTUALLY, THEY WEREN'T HOME BEFORE
us, but the water had only just started to boil when I heard their voices outside the front door. I knew James was due to land pretty soon and would want to talk to his daughters as soon as he was off the airplane. Maddy, Lulu, and I had spent most of the journey concocting a plausible alternative story for our day, which meant that Caspar had been effortlessly edited from the proceedings.

We listened to the unpolished cut of our wedding CD. Carlos was planning to work a little of his magic on it, but I didn't want the girls to sound like the Bonne Belles or any of the other manufactured bands
out there: I wanted them to sound like three kids having fun in a recording studio. And they did.

We were sitting down in the kitchen for spag Bol when the phone rang. Amber picked it up. “Hello?” She smiled. “It's Daddy! Hi! How was your flight? Is it hot? Have you seen any famous people?…Oh.” She held the phone away from her face. “He's just getting off the plane.” She switched to loudspeaker and placed the phone in the middle of the table.

“Hi, everyone,” said James.

“Hi, Daddy,” the girls chorused.

“Hi, Tessa.”

“Hello, my love. I'm so glad you've arrived safely.”

“I miss you
all
horribly.”

“Us too,” I said. Meaning me. I miss you. Come home.

“So, what have you girls been doing?”

“Zoo.”

“Playground.”

“Cinema.”

They spoke simultaneously then burst out laughing.

“Wow, busy day,” said James.

“Not all at the same time,” said Maddy.

“I should think not. You all right, Tessa? The minxes haven't worn you out?”

“I'm not quite ready for the knacker's yard yet, thanks. Actually we've had a great day.”

The girls agreed loudly. I knew James would be excited to hear their happy voices.

“Tessa, can I have a word with you off speakerphone?” asked James.

Amber looked worried. I kept it light, though my heart was suddenly beating louder. That was not the reaction I'd been expecting. “Sure,” I said brightly. I picked up the phone and stood up.

“Had a few calls from Bea,” said James.

Man, he hadn't even got off the plane! “Oh—everything okay?”

“I don't know. She said she hadn't heard from anyone all day.”

I paused, treading carefully, not wanting to alert Amber to any danger. “I didn't realize that was necessary.”

“Well, the girls usually put in a call at some point.”

“Ah, well,” I said, forcing a smile. “We haven't stopped all day.”

“She tried Amber's phone and got no answer. She sounded very worried.” I remembered the constant buzzing from Amber's pocket, the long messages, the texts. Clearly, Bea didn't trust me to look after her children. Well, if we needed to clock in, I should have been told. “Don't know who made more noise in the zoo, the monkeys or the girls. We couldn't hear a thing. It was such a busy day. We're all knackered.”

“What are you talking about? Could you just call her?”

“Why don't you?” I said, feeling as though I was stating the obvious.

“It's very expensive. Can't you just—”

I ignored his last comment and interrupted: “I know it's a bit late, the girls are off to bed in a minute. Amber and I are going to stay up and watch a movie.”