The Spring Madness of Mr Sermon (32 page)

^{It was a few minutes to eleven when he made his way to the long, one-storeyed building where the zoo was housed.}

^{It was not much of a zoo judged by Regent's Park standards but Rachel Grey, in sole charge of it, much preferred this title to that of 'Pet's Corner', which had been the Foreshore Committee's choice. After all, she had argued, one can hardly call snakes pets and there were several snakes on exhibition. There were also eight monkeys, a fox, a badger, two stoats and several other exhibits, in addition to the Shetland pony, and a variety of dogs, cats, rabbits, hedgehogs and hamsters. There was also a limited selection of birds, including a toucan and Mr. Sermon's favourite, a grave, bespectacled owl.}

^{Mr. Sermon, in his capacity of sponsor-supervisor, called at eleven every morning and was given coffee brewed on Rachel's Primus-stove in the food store behind the zoo. Sebastian preferred it out here. He had ceased to be a fastidious man but he retained a sensitive nose and in June weather the smell inside the zoo was a little too much for him.}

^{He sat down on a crate and watched her attend to the Primus and as she straightened up he gave her a friendly smack on the}

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^{bottom, giving way to one of the little weaknesses he had agreed to tolerate in himself since donning the rakish yachting cap.}

^{"That's enough!" she said, but without resentment. "I never can seem to convince men that my behind is not public property."}

^{"It's pure symmetry," he said, lightly, "symmetry in relation to the narrowness of your waist. Breadth of beam such as yours and emphasised as it is by the kind of garments you wear, must surely constitute an eternal temptation to men. Fashions affect the impulse. I feel sure the late Victorians were tempted, whereas few men could have been disposed to wallop a Tudor wench wearing a what was it -farthingale or stomacher? It was right out again in my young days, when girls wore tube-like dresses designed to disguise their shape but now, with all these tight jeans on display-why I believe I could write an essay on it!"}

^{"I believe you could, you dreadful old man!" she said, handing him his coffee and sitting down on a crate close by. "By the way, talking of your accomplishments, Father was impressed by your off-the-cuff lecture on the American Civil War last night. He gets a real kick from your visits and looks forward to Saturdays. I suppose schools go a bit stale after half-term, even for fanatics like him and you."}

^{"I doubt it," he said, lighting two cigarettes and giving her one, "if ever there was a man who enjoyed his work that man is your father. And I doubt if he looks forward to Saturdays as much as I do. There's a wonderful atmosphere over at Barrowdene and Fred Grey is the source of it. I wonder if the men on the staff know how lucky they are?"}

^{"Do you ever get a yen to be back on the treadmill, Martin?"}

^{He thought for a moment. "Yes," he said finally, "when I'm up at your school I do, but if I ever returned to teaching it would have to be at a place like Barrowdene, with an intelligent man in charge, someone who has the knack of marrying tradition to a modern approach."}

^{"Gilbert's coughing again," she said, changing the subject. "I gave him his medicine but he seems very depressed since he was recaptured."}

^{"Let's take a look at him," said Sebastian and went into the Zoo}

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^{tilting his cap at the owl and scratching a leaping dog under its chin. The cages and glass cases were ranged along each wall with a narrow corridor in between. They were all, he noted, spotlessly clean and the animals looked more like the Robinson Crusoe family than captives. There was Hardly one of them you did not want to stroke and spoil. 'She's wonderful with them,' he thought, 'and getting her down here was a brainwave on my part! She's h?ppy too, a great improvement on the harassed kid I met looking after that awful Geraldine on the beach!' and he called to her: "Rachel! I must go, I'll see you at the 'Wagon-Wheel* ten after one!"}

^{They usually ate lunch together in a chintzy little cafe near the West End bathing-station. The holiday season was now in full swing and the cafe proprietress, a Miss Anson, reserved them a table each working day. He went out into the bright sunshine and turned eastward towards the larger of the headlands. As he approached the parking ground he noticed a group of people congregating outside the nearer of the two public conveniences and seeing him, Travers, the attendant, detached himself and trotted across.}

^{"I was looking out for 'ee, Mr. Supervisor, hoping you'd show up! Emmie Slater is in a rare ol* fix, 'er is! One o' the ladies is stuck!"}

^{"Stuck? How do you mean, stuck?"}

^{"Far side o' the turnstile. Locked in! Tiz they forrin coins again an' Em says customer's got 'erself to blame but it bain't no good arguing the toss till us gets her out is it? Us is busy too, proper queue there is. Us've had to shuttle "em over to the other one further along the front."}

^{Mrs. Emmie Slater, the female attendant, was standing at the entrance of the winding path leading from the esplanade to the sunken brick-built building marked 'Ladies' but at once Mr. Sermon found himself in a difficulty. Could he, even in his capacity as Beach Supervisor, walk boldly into a 'Ladies', or would the investigation have to be made by a female ? His doubts were soon resolved for Mrs. Slater, a red-faced and rather aggressive woman, called out: "Jammed it is! No good rattling an' thumping! Serve her right! Been waiting a long time to catch one of 'em, I have. Go on in an" see for yourself, Mr. Inspector. A good mind to send for the police, I am!"}

^{Sebastian had very little confidence in Mrs. Slater and decided to}

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^{silence her before she succeeded in attracting an even larger audience.}

^{"Do stop making a scene, Mrs. Slater," he said severely, "and leave this to me! Is there a key to the coin box inside ? If so, give it to me at once! Travers!"}

^"Yessir?"

^{"Go across to the boatshed and chalk on a board 'Temporarily out of order' and come back here with it straight away!"}

^{"Yessir! Right away, sir!" said Travers and shot off as Mrs. Slater sulkily surrendered her key. Bracing himself and trying to look as if he did this kind of thing every day of the week, Sebastian marched down the winding path and approached the turnstile that did duty for a door. He was surprised to find the lavatory in semi-darkness. The light was switched off and the small frosted window was screened by overgrown laurels. Peering through the grille, however, he observed a well-dressed woman standing well back against the further wall. He hesitated to say 'Good morning!' so he compromised with-"I'm the Supervisor, madam! I'll have you out of here in a moment!"}

^{He heard her give a stifled exclamation, a protest to his sex no doubt, but turned aside and unlocked the coinbox, slipping the money into his pocket. Travers was right, a coin roughly the size of a penny had failed to clear the slot and it was stuck fast, a fraction of its edge protruding. The woman edged forward and Mr. Sermon, regarding her out of the corner of his eye, noticed that she was middle-aged and pretty in a fluffy kind of way. She said:}

^{"I ... I didn't realise it was a foreign coin, it must have been passed to me as change. That dreadful woman out there declares I did it deliberately! As if one would-I mean-as if one would ?" and her voice indicated that she was on the edge of tears.}

^{"Now, just keep calm, madam, and don't worry about the wretched penny," said Mr. Sermon. "I may be able to do this myself and save everyone a lot of fuss, but I can't do anything unless you stand away from the bars and give me the benefit of what light there is."}

^{She stood back against the cubicles and watched him tensely as he wrestled with the coin.}

^{"Excuse me, I'll have to take my coat off," he said, but at that moment a plump, 'teenage girl rushed down the steps at the head of a}

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^{tumbling group of girls and cannoned into him, leaping back with a shriek and shouting: "Stop! Stop! It's a Gents!" a cry that produced a chorus of squeals and sent the intruders tumbling out again with Mr. Sermon at their heels.}

^{"For goodness' sake, Mrs. Slater," he protested, "I told you to keep everybody . . . !"}

^{But suddenly he stopped dead, dumbfounded at the sight of a girl in the forefront of the group standing on the pavement. He was looking into the startled face of his own daughter, Jonquil, and as his brain registered this fact he had an even greater shock, one that sent him diving below like a submariner spotting attacking aircraft. "Great God!" he said aloud, "Jonquil! And two yards behind her, Sybil!"}

^{With a tremendous effort he collected himself.}

^{"Er . . . you er . . . wouldn't happen to have a torch in your bag, madam?" he asked and it seemed to him as though he was listening to a playback of his voice on a tape-recorder.}

^{"No, but I've got a lighter," said the woman, "will that do?"}

^{"A lighter?" He had a lighter himself and took it out, holding it inside the coin-box and flicking the wheel half a dozen times before the small flame lit up the interior of the box.}

^{"I... I really need a screw-driver," he said, less than half his concentration directed to the mechanism and that only held there by an effort that made him sweat.}

^{"I've got a nail file," said the woman helpfully and pushed a strong, bonehandled file between the bars. He thanked her and held the lighter in his left hand while with his right he jabbed the point of the file between the lower edge of the coin and the small spigot against which it had jammed. To his relief, the spigot gave a little leap and the coin dropped into the box.}

^{"You've done it!" said the woman excitedly. "Oh, you are a nice man, you really are!" and she swung back the grille and ran at him with such enthusiasm that he would not have been surprised if she had clasped him in her arms and showered him with kisses.}

^{As a matter of fact he would not have been surprised by anything at that particular moment. An earthquake or tidal wave would have found him submissive and resigned, incapable of further shock, so}

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^{that when, still gibbering her thanks, the fluffy little woman pulled open her bag, whipped out a ten shilling note and stuffed it into his hand he could do nothing but stand there in his shirtsleeves and gape after her as she tripped up the steps to be greeted by an ironic cheer. He thought: 'This is terrible! This is absolutely farcical. What are they doing in Kingsbay? And what evil fate directed them here at this precise moment when I was coatless in a ladies' lavatory?'}

^{Mrs. Slater restored a sense of reality to his nightmare by appearing round the bend in the steps and saying: "Are you all right Mr. Inspector? You aren't stuck are you? There's someone here asking for you."}

^{He lifted his hand in a hopeless gesture and then, dragging on his jacket, turned towards her and began to climb. He still held the woman's nail file in one hand and the lighter in the other and when he emerged on to the promenade the little woman was there, asking for the file and saying over and over again, "It was awful! I thought I was there for the night and I would have been but for him. It was dreadful! I've always hated those things and somebody ought to abolish them by law!" but when he looked left and right there was no sign of Jonquil or Sybil and for a moment he thought he must have been the victim of an hallucination. Then Travers appeared with his chalked board and Mr. Sermon noted with detachment that he had spelled 'Temporarily' TEMPRY. He said, "It's all right now, tell Mrs. Slater I've emptied the box and I'll pay it in later." And at that moment he saw them again, sitting side by side on a Corporation seat about twenty yards nearer the Bowling Green.}

^{They were both looking directly at him and in the eyes of mother and daughter was agonised despair, as though they were witnessing his hanging. For a good ten seconds he returned their stare and then, as upon rubber legs, he tottered towards them, more than three shillings-worth of pennies jingling in his pocket.}

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^{CHAPTER SEVEN}

^{Mr.
Sermon Journeys On,}

^{Wifeless But in Good Company}

^{jonquil
made a sudden decision.}

^{"I'm going to the hotel, Mother,'" she announced. "I'm sorry but I don't want any part of this, it's too awful for words!" and she clacked off in her high-heeled shoes, ignoring her mother's cry of protest. Then Sebastian approached slowly and looking after his daughter's receding figure said, quietly, "Let her go, we can talk better without her, Sybil. Would you . . . could you do with a drink? Or a coffee, perhaps? There's a place over there."}

^{"For goodness' sake, take that. . . that dreadful cap off!" she burst "out and he obediently removed it, tucking it into his pocket and sitting beside her.}

^{"I'm just as surprised to see you, Sybil," he said. "You got my letter I imagine? I must say you've been very quick getting here."}