The Sphere (5 page)

“You’re distracted again. That’s all right, it’s a normal reaction to feeling overwhelmed.”

I look back at Carl. He keeps stroking his wineglass with those thick fingers.

“What? Overwhelmed how?”

As ridiculous as it is, Carl’s words actually hurt me. I look him in the eye for the first time. His eyes are black and tiny, like two nervous marbles behind his thick glasses.

“It’s normal to feel overwhelmed.”

“I’m not overwhelmed.”

“It’s hard at first. Professors, courses, societies, dances, games of golf, fencing...” Carl’s skin is so pale I can see tiny little veins spidering across his face. “Don’t worry,” he says, “by the end you’ll be just like the rest of these girls.”

He keeps gesturing pompously with his glass. His beady little eyes move from the little princesses of the party down to my shoes. He’s staring right at my flats.

“I’m sure by the end you’ll be even better than they are. You have a lot of potential. Dissie. Eurydice. Eurydice, nymph of the forest...”

“The party’s full of girls, why did you come talk to me?”

Carl’s tiny eyes flinch behind the lenses.

“You’re going to blow me off just like that?”

“Yes,” I answer curtly.

I’m angrier than I’d like to admit. I know Carl isn’t the only one to blame for this mental storm cloud.

“Such passion! I said you were different.”

Axel looks over at me for a second; Carl’s words have gotten his attention.

“Sorry, Carl,” I try my best to sound agreeable.

“No big deal,” Carl rests his big hand on my shoulder. “Like I said, it’s just first-year nerves. I’ll give you a hand if you want, soon enough we’ll be eclipsing everyone else. We can start by choosing a society.”

Now Axel is paying attention to my conversation. His friend is still talking but I know he isn’t listening to him, he’s hanging on my every word. A small triumph for humanity, a great triumph for Eurydice. Thank you, god of the misfits!

“Is it hard to choose a society?” I ask in a syrupy voice, though I’m not interested in the least. Just for the pleasure of knowing that Axel is listening.

“This year there were 140, and counting.”

“Really! So many?”

“They cover a wide range of interests, so choosing one can be a staggering task.”

Carl lifts his glass to his lips with a clearly audible slurp, and suddenly my only desire is to get away from this toad in tweed as soon as possible.

“Whatever, I won’t join any of them.”

My tone can’t hide the repulsion I’m feeling... Axel has turned back to the conversation with his friend. This sort of game really isn’t for me.

“You’d be making a mistake.”

“What does it matter? I’ll just pass on societies.”

“Really big mistake. Let me explain. That would be like saying that you couldn’t choose from all the options, or that you didn’t fit into any of them, which would be even worse.”

“How can something you do in your free time be so important?”

“That’s your second mistake. It’s more than just your free time—the societies are a social environment. Your society will be the sphere in which you socialize, and that’s how other people define you. So you can see it’s no small thing.”

I look around desperately for an escape route. I feel like I’m in the middle of a natural disaster. My eyes meet Axel’s. Aren’t you going to come save me from this bore? It feels like we can communicate without words. I see jealousy in his eyes! I fake a laugh and touch Carl’s arm.

“Well, I’ll have to find a society, then!” Being nice is always a titanic effort. “And if not, I can always start my own society of misfits, right?”

“Misfits?”

“Misfits, yeah. We have our own god and everything...”

“How interesting!”

“The god of the misfits...”

“We’ll have to have a ceremony to welcome him to the pantheon. I’ll propose it to my theological colleagues.”

Carl bursts into laughter again, his wild-boar grunts echoing. I force myself to laugh with him.

“You’re just brilliant, Carl.”

Did that sound as stupid as I think it did?

Carl stops laughing and strokes my cheek. Axel is watching, but I can’t help jumping back to keep the creep from touching me. It’s pure instinct.

“Come on, don’t get mad. Why don’t I take you out for a drive and you can tell me more about this god of yours? My Lambo’s right outside.”

Lambo
? What’s wrong with the word
car
?

“No, thank you, I’m here with someone.”

As I reach for Axel’s hand I realize I’m the biggest idiot in the universe. There can’t be anyone better qualified. To put up with Carl this whole time and then give up the game...

“
Excusez-moi, mademoiselle!
”

What a clown. Axel is holding my hand but he isn’t even looking at me, he’s still talking with David. He’s so obviously blowing me off that Carl gives me a half-smile.

“Well, if you get bored and feel like going for a ride, just say the word, all right?”

The wolfish look he gives me makes me shudder. Yeah, I’ve been an easy mark. After a second Carl leaves and I’m all alone with that shrinking feeling you get at times like these. I might as well be a shopping bag, the way Axel is holding my hand. Actually, I think he might care more about a shopping bag. I look around at the other guests; some of the people Axel introduced me to smile from the other side of the room. The objects around me seem to get bigger and bigger. Carl said it: I
am
different, but not in a good way. I’ll never have even a tenth of the glamour of the ugliest girl at this party. Deep down I’m not really sure I want to be like any of them—they’re the exact opposite of me. But a pit of doubt still yawns at my feet, infinitely powerful, trying to suck me down to the center of the earth. I’d never been aware of how awkward I am. I’d never stopped to think about the way I move or noticed how I always stand with my feet turned in. That sort of thing didn’t matter until I found myself in that imbecile Carl’s world. That revolting slug. He didn’t even have to say it. The way he looked at my feet with those tiny little eyes hidden behind his glasses was more than enough.

“She’s starting in Math this year.”

Axel is talking to David about me. I pull myself free, cross the room in a rage, and go out onto the porch. The little paper lanterns make me even angrier; I can’t stand pastels. Feeling the breeze on my face doesn’t help. Hearing the laughter erupting in different parts of the living room... every little thing pushes my bad mood to new heights.

“What’s wrong?”

It’s Axel, I don’t have to turn around to see him. I could recognize his voice anywhere. Even asleep I’d know his voice.

“Nothing,” I say, looking out at the dark garden.

“Nothing?”

“Nothing at all.”

Axel sighs and I turn slowly toward him, my gaze defiant.

“What did I do?” he asks patiently, leaning on the porch railing.

“I don’t need you to be patient with me, you know? You don’t have to make the effort.”

“I’m not. Dissie, what’s going on? Have I done something?”

Now his voice is sweet, which infuriates me even more.

“I don’t know. I can’t really think of anything. Wait, let me see... Ignore me? Treat me like a little child? Share the details of my life with everyone? Invite me to someplace where I don’t know anybody and then blow me off? Stop me when you don’t want to hear any more reasons.”

“But I only told David what you were going to study! What’s wrong with that?”

“No one forced you to invite me to this party if you’d rather have gone alone.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You heard me.” The words scratch my throat as they force their way out.

I look at Axel next to me, on this unfamiliar porch, and I can’t figure out why he’s with me. Carl made it pretty clear that I’m an ugly duckling. According to him I’ll be a beautiful swan one day, but I doubt it, personally. Now my duck feet hidden inside my flat shoes are turning in toward each other—I can’t stop them, and I don’t want to try.

“Sorry,” Axel touches my hand gently, “I didn’t think you’d mind. Helping you meet people seemed like the right thing to do, so you could fit in.”

“I can fit in on my own!”

Pride flashes in my eyes. I don’t let go of Axel’s hands, but I’m so tense I can’t even feel his touch.

“Yeah, I saw how you try to fit in.”

Axel’s tone is bitter—so he did notice my little chat with Carl. It did matter to him.

Not a word crosses the space between us. I lose track of time, I can’t tell whether our silence has lasted a few seconds or a thousand minutes. What a way to face up to reality! I’m nothing compared to the girls at this party. What is he even doing with me? I’m an idiot. There are not enough words in the dictionary to describe what an idiot I am for letting it get this far.

“Axel!”

It’s one of the little princesses. She calls his name shrilly and he looks at her and shakes his head. She disappears.

“Please tell me what I did. Why are you angry?”

He sounds calmer than he did a little while ago, but I don’t answer. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, I just can’t find the words.

“I hate when you shut yourself up inside your shell,” Axel murmurs, and lets a loud sigh out into the empty night.

“You acted like I wasn’t even there. You took me around like a pet, you totally blew me off. I saw how you looked at those girls and how they looked at you, and know what? You didn’t have to invite me. I wouldn’t have cared. I’m hardly the first person to move to a new city for college, I can make my own friends. I don’t need you to introduce me to people.”

That’s just like me, no middle ground: either I can’t find the words or they all explode out of me at once.

“What do you mean? I was only talking with a friend, I didn’t mean for you to feel left out. Besides, you could have joined in the conversation.”

“Sure, if I had any idea what you were talking about...”

Suddenly—and I’ve got no idea how—we’re fighting. This has never happened to us before. It’s not an intense conversation, it’s a real fight. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t stop myself from hurling accusations at him like cannonballs. Who is Axel? How did we get to this point? Better yet, how did I get to this point without knowing anything about him? This is the way life is: it waits until you’re feeling strong to really punch you in the gut. It waits until you’re feeling strong to show you that you’re the weakest link. That’s my punishment for coming to this party floating on my own personal cloud nine. Whoever falls in love is bound to lose, I’ve always known that. But I refuse to accept that I’m on the losing side this time.

“Come on, Dissie. Don’t be childish.”

Axel tries to hold onto me. I guess he wants to give me a hug, but all I want is to run away. I’ll do it. This time there will be no mistake. I will stand firm. Now there really is no going back. I’ll leave for good, just as soon as I finish telling him the truth to his face—I have to at least make sure he knows how selfish he is.

A couple tries to come out on the porch but they hurry back to the living room as soon as they notice us arguing.

“They’ve been fighting for a while now.”

The comment floats out to us, followed by laughter that means the whole thing is too banal to be worth noticing. We’re the superficial attraction of an even more superficial party. The music goes on playing, mingling with conversations about theses, horses, vacations in exotic places. The world keeps spinning, even though my heart has stopped.

“We’ll have to go out for a smoke some time, right?” someone says from the living room, just loudly enough for us to hear.

More laughter follows the wisecrack. I’m sick of being the butt of the joke, tired of having only two options in my life: invisible woman, or fool.

“Dissie, please...”

Axel speaks to me as calmly and sweetly as ever. If my world hadn’t just fallen apart I’d think I really matter to him, that his gaze is sincere. His eyes wait for my answer, but I’ve got nothing else to say. I feel totally empty. Mechanically I push his arms away. I don’t know when he managed to embrace me. I can tell from his face that now my eyes are dark gray, stormy gray, merciless. Finally our fingertips separate, and I turn my duck-feet away and get out of there as fast as I can.

Axel leans on the railing and watches me. The curtains flap in the breeze, spiraling and dancing in and out of the living room. I don’t look back. I know he’s watching me but I don’t look back, I’ll never look back again. I walk toward Carl without really knowing why; my brain no longer controls my actions; my body no longer seems to have a soul. I don’t have to say a word. He takes my hand and we go out. In the distance I hear voices telling Axel to let me go, to forget about me. It all seems like a bad dream, as if it were happening to someone else, not to me.

––––––––

A
mass of smoke and dust and fog thickens the air and makes it hard to breathe. In a way I’m glad it’s hard to breathe, because that means I’m alive. I don’t know where I am and I don’t know what happened, but I know I’m alive. Something is tugging at me. I’m still strapped in by the seatbelt. I feel around for the buckle so I can free myself, but when I press the button I fall on my head. The car is upside-down. I touch something that feels like grass. I crawl through the window without any trouble; the glass must have broken. Yes, that makes sense. I stand up without any problem. Nothing hurts. I’ve been in an accident, but I’m not hurt. I flipped over...
We
flipped over—suddenly I remember my companion.

“Carl... Carl...”

My voice sounds like it’s coming from inside a tin can. There’s no answer. I run desperately around the car, once, twice, then stop. My heart skips a beat. There’s no sound. I don’t hear any insects, no wind, not even the noise of my own feet stepping on the grass and the shattered glass. I crawl back into the car and little shards of glass stick into my hands. I look for Carl but it’s impossible to find him: the darkness is so thick that I have to feel my way through it. I touch something that feels like a flashlight and my fingers fumble over it to find the switch. A dim light illuminates the inside of the car. I’m on the passenger side. I point the light at the other seat and jump back, hitting my head, cutting myself off mid-scream. The seatbelt on the driver’s side is fastened, but the seat is empty.