The Spare Room (9 page)

17

A couple of nights later, a Friday night, I was walking from work to the bus terminal through Salamanca Place. It was fairly late but a lovely night. Lots of people were sitting outside at restaurants and cafes. A corner pub was surrounded by patrons drinking and talking. As I got closer I hesitated. I wondered if I should cross the road rather than walk around the raucous group of drinkers. But I thought, no, there's no need. I walked on.

As I came abreast of the group, I heard a loud voice.

Bit nippy all of a sudden, isn't it?

Thought the Japs lost.

They call me mellow yellow, sang another voice.

Once, these taunts would have gone straight over my head. But now, I thought, my English was too good. I stopped and looked to where the voices came from. And the first person I saw was Angie. She was seated with a group of people. Three or four of the young men she was with were leaning against each other and pointing at me. Angie stared at me. I looked back at her and smiled.

What's so fucking interesting? one of her companions snarled.

I went to move on. But suddenly the words Stolly had taught me a long time ago came into my head. I practised them silently, then turned and said, Why don't you run home to Mummy now, you son of a Turkish whore.

The reaction was pleasing. They looked shocked, every word knocked out of them in their surprise. Angie, though, rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair. She looked at the guys she was sitting with, waiting to see what would happen.

It didn't take long. One stood up and put down his beer. Then the other two did the same.

Suddenly Angie was on her feet. She pushed past the others and came over to me, took my arm and made me walk on, quickly. She looked back over her shoulder.

He's my homestay brother, she said. Don't take any notice. He doesn't know what he's saying.

We walked on in silence, her arm in mine. Despite everything, the sensation of her close against me and her arm in mine made me feel elated. I felt like checking my feet to see if I was still on the ground.

Thanks, Angie, I said when we were some distance from the pub.

She dropped my arm and turned to face me.

We're square now, she said. I don't owe you anything.

She turned and walked back. I watched her go. She looked back once, and I waved, but she kept on.

Meanwhile — and, looking over what I've written, I find I haven't really talked about this — I had been saving my money, secreting it away in the top drawer of my desk. My father was paying for my stay here and my studies. I still hadn't told him or my mother about my job. And now I had enough money to realise the dream. Enough, Satoshi, for a motorbike. I was feeling pretty damn good.

I was to pick it up the next day. Stolly thought we should celebrate beforehand. He'd arranged for us to meet at the bar at work, the one where he was still a waiter, the one where we had first met. I was bringing Chisuko, and he was bringing Kristina, the beautiful Greek girl from the party.

Chisuko and I arrived first.

So your friend's bringing his girlfriend? she said as we sat down.

She's not really his girlfriend. Just a friend, I said.

Like us then? she said.

I looked at her carefully. She was teasing me, I realised.

I thought … I began.

You thought what? she said.

It doesn't matter, I said.

Wait a minute. I see. I understand. You thought I was interested in you that way, right?

No, of course not, I lied.

Chisuko laughed, then she touched my arm and said gently, You did. And let me tell you that if I was interested in men, I would be interested in you. You are special.

I wondered if I had understood correctly. Conditionals could be tricky. If I was interested in men. Translated that meant, I am not interested in men. Which meant … Sometimes I was very slow.

You mean …

Yes, I mean. I chose my homestay deliberately, you know. In fact, I was supposed to have your family but .

What!

… but they changed us over when I explained.

Stolly and Kristina arrived right then, so I had no time to think about this new information. Life was full of surprises.

Stolly and I gave each other the bear hug that was usual between us since The Resurrection. Chisuko and Kristina introduced themselves. Chisuko patted the seat next to her and Kristina smiled and sat down. Chisuko shook hands with Stolly, and Kristina shook hands with me.

It's good to see our hero again, she said.

What? What's this? asked Chisuko.

Oh, nothing, Chisuko, I said, embarrassed.

Champagne's in order I think, Stolly said, covering my awkwardness.

He held up his hand.

What are we celebrating exactly? asked Chisuko.

Hasn't Akira said? Stolly asked. He's a dark horse, isn't he? He's about to achieve his dream. Tomorrow he's picking up a motorbike and then there'll be no stopping him.

A waiter arrived so quickly I was certain Stolly had organised it beforehand.

A bottle of bubbly, Kosta, he said.

The usual? he said. Stolly nodded.

So what is it with the bike, Akira? Kristina asked.

I want to ride around Australia, I said. I want to be free.

All alone? Kristina said.

Yes and no, I said. I was about to tell them about you, Satoshi, but Chisuko jumped in.

And what do you do, Kristina? she asked.

I work in my father's business, Kristina said.

Do you like it? I asked her.

I love it. Some day it will be my business. And my husband's.

She glanced over at Stolly.

Whoever that might be, she added.

Kosta arrived with the champagne and twirled it into a bucket of ice. Stolly took over with great panache. When our glasses were full, we raised them together.

Here's to achieving our dreams, said Stolly.

Achieving our dreams, the rest of us chorused.

Stolly was already ordering another bottle.

The next day was the big day. Stolly and I went to the motorbike dealers. I hadn't got the Ducati, of course — just a second-hand Suzuki. Stolly hopped on pillion and off we went. I can hardly describe the feeling, Satoshi, of riding that bike. We had talked about it so often, and here it was, a reality. I took Stolly to his home, where I was almost smothered in hugs and kisses by Vasilis and Eleftheria. I was on cloud … cloud … Which is it? Cloud seven? Anyway, I was feeling pretty good. I could hardly wait to get home to the Moffats. I was excited about the prospect of arriving on the bike, and tried to imagine everyone's surprise. I hadn't said a word about my plans to anyone. I hoped that even Angie might be impressed that I had worked so hard and taken the initiative in achieving my dreams. Especially Angie.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened.

18

I turned the corner into my street. The bike purred along. As I slowed down in front of the house, I glimpsed Jess at the side hanging out washing. Snowy came bounding towards me from that direction, yapping his head off. I stopped the bike and sat there. The purring of the engine continued inside my body. I sat enjoying the feeling and hoping the others were at home too.

The front door opened and Daisy emerged pulling Angie by the hand. I saw Daisy's face light up from where I sat. Angie's face, on the other hand, was unreadable.

Before I could take off my helmet, Jess appeared around the side of the house. She walked slowly towards me. I heard Angie call out to her but she didn't seem to hear. She walked on, making a straight line for me. Her face looked strange. I began to feel uncomfortable. She didn't miss a beat. She walked right up to me. I thought of sleep-walkers. Of people under hypnosis.

Jess? I said, flicking up the visor.

She came up close to me and put her arms around me right there on the bike. I was surprised and shocked. Then I thought how wonderful that she should hug me. I couldn't remember her ever touching me. I put my arms tentatively around her and hugged back.

She held me for some time. I looked over her shoulder at Angie and Daisy who were still on the front doorstep. Angie had a hand over her mouth and seemed to be holding Daisy back. Daisy struggled. Was it that Angie didn't like seeing her mother hug me? I'd never seen her hug Angie.

My mind was leaping about for answers even as Jess began to draw back from me. I pulled the bike helmet off and smiled at her. Her strangely calm face took on a look of disbelief and shock. She stared at me, her face contorted as if in pain.

Jess? I said again.

Her palm came down across my cheek like a piece of wood. Sobs escaped from her. One sob turned into a scream. She turned and ran into the house.

I suppose it was only a matter of seconds that I sat there nursing my cheek, my mind reeling. The next thing I knew, Angie was standing in front of me with her hands on her hips. Over her shoulder I could see Daisy sitting on the front step crying.

Why, why, why did you have to go and get a motorbike? Angie yelled at me.

I looked at her face. Something clicked into place.

Is this about Joey? I asked.

Angie gasped. For a moment she lost her fierce expression. Then she put it back on.

You think you're so smart, she snarled. You've got it all figured out, have you?

I started to shake my head. I reached out a hand as if to calm her, but she pushed it away.

Angie, I …

Yes. Your room used to be my brother's. Joey's.

I nodded my head slowly.

I thought maybe …

He died. In a motorbike accident. Did you figure that out too? Is this some kind of torture treatment? You Japanese are good at that kind of thing, I hear.

He died? I repeated quietly.

Yes, he died. Dead. And we don't even talk about him. Mum got rid of all his things. It's like he never existed. We're supposed to act like it never happened.

There were moments of silence. Minutes maybe. The metal of the bike pinged as it cooled. I slowly got off the bike and turned to Angie.

I make things worse for you, I said. I didn't know. I didn't …

Yes, that's right.

Angie was still snarling.

You have made things worse. Much worse. We never wanted you here in the first place. It was just for the money. Since Dad hasn't been able to work …

I'm sorry, Angie. I'm sorry.

Sorry?

She said it as if it was a ridiculous word.

You think sorry helps?

Angie, I understand.

There was nothing else I could say. I left Angie there by the bike and walked up the path. Later I would remember that Daisy was sitting on the front step sobbing, but I was in a kind of daze. I must have walked right past her without even looking at her, certainly without comforting her. Behind me, Angie flung a last few words out at the top of her voice.

You understand? How could you understand? How could you possibly understand?

She gave a growl of pure rage and I heard a crash. She must have kicked the bike over. I didn't even care. The bike, the dream, everything was wrecked. I went to my room. Joey's room. I sat on my bed. And just sat. And sat.

* *

Later I learned from Alex what happened next. Alex had been in his shed working on the boat when all this happened. He'd had earplugs in, as he was working with an electric saw. But in a quiet moment he thought he heard something going on. He removed the earplugs and listened hard, but everything was silent. Even so, he stepped out of the shed.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a movement in the window of his and Jess's bedroom. Something about what he saw grabbed at his heart. He said that for a moment he wondered if he had seen a ghost of his son. He moved quietly up to the side of the house and peeped in the window. And he saw what I had glimpsed that day when Alex and Stolly were up on the roof. He looked for a long time. His wife stood in front of the long mirror on their cupboard door, dressed in the clothes of her dead son. She was silently crying as she stared at her reflection.

Alex said that for a few moments he stood there dumbstruck. Then he walked back to the shed and took up the saw again, wanting to block everything out with noise and activity.

It didn't work. He couldn't get the image of Jess to move from his mind. He put the saw down and ran into the house. He tried to open the bedroom door. It was locked. He called out to Jess, asking her to open the door. There was no response. He threw himself against the door and it burst open. Jess was cowering in one corner, in jeans and jacket and baseball cap, sobbing. Alex took her in his arms and held her.

After a while she said through her tears, Do you remember why we got married?

Of course I do, darling, Alex said. We got married because we loved each other.

We got married because I was pregnant. With Joey.

And we were in love.

Joey was the whole reason we're together.

Not the only reason.

Joey was the reason we have this life and not some other life altogether, separate, different lives. He was the reason for everything we are. The reason we have other children. Now there's no reason for anything.

Alex heard a noise at the door and turned to see the wide-eyed, tear-stained face of Daisy. She had heard everything. She was gasping as if she couldn't get enough air. Spinning on her heel, she fled.

Alex was torn. He called after Daisy but there was no answer. His first concern was Jess. He stroked her hair.

Jess went on, whispering now: The day he died. That day at the shack. We had an argument. I didn't ever tell you. We never usually argued. It was something trivial. He went off feeling angry. Then he was dead. Maybe that's even why he died.

It was an accident, Jess, Alex said. It wasn't his fault. And it certainly wasn't your fault. Okay, you had an argument. But you loved him and he loved you. We all loved him. He knew that.

Do you think so?

I know it.

Meanwhile, in my room, I could hear the murmuring in the main bedroom. I heard Daisy's running footsteps. But it was as if everything was happening in some other dimension. I was trapped inside my head where thoughts went around and around and wouldn't stop or slow down. How stupid and blind I had been. I thought about my pathetic attempts to smooth things out in the family. I'd been so ignorant. Why hadn't I seen it? I thought about how I'd felt after you died, Satoshi. I should have realised. After all, I knew that terrible emptiness that you fill with rage or guilt or sadness. I knew how loss and grief could wring you out and distort you, make you into someone you didn't recognise. Why hadn't I seen it?

One thing was obvious. I had now made things far worse. There could be no going back to the life, the pretence, the superficiality of before. I would have to leave. There was nothing else for it. I had learned some of the language, but I had failed to learn the important things, failed to understand.

I don't know how long I sat. It seemed like hours. Finally I pulled out my suitcase and began packing it. I put a few things in my overnight bag. I left the suitcase in the room and wrote a note for the family asking them to store it for me. I would send for it. I went to the door and turned to take one last look around. On the bed, the eyes of the teddy bear gleamed.

Outside I picked up the fallen bike and strapped on my bag. My movements were automatic. I didn't look to see if the bike was damaged or scratched. I got on and turned the key in the ignition. I put on my helmet, took a last look at the house, and rode away down the street.

Before I even got to the first corner, tears were blurring my vision and fogging up my helmet visor. I couldn't see a thing, so I stopped at the side of the road, pulled off the helmet and wiped my eyes on my sleeve. I looked back at the house. Just as I did, Angie came running out into the street, looking up and down. I could hear her calling a name. At first I thought — hoped — it was my name. But it sounded like she was calling Daisy.

I could feel the pull towards the house. I was more tangled up in that family and those lives than I would have believed, certainly more than they would have believed. Perhaps that was it. There was a rift between the two versions of our relationship. There was I thinking I was fitting in and helping to smooth their lives, when the whole time I was rubbing salt into the wound simply by being there in that room, reminding them of what they had lost. We are so ignorant of what is taking place in other people's lives. We think we have our eyes open and are paying attention. It shows how much we need to actually communicate, use words, tell each other what is going on. Otherwise our perceptions can be so very wrong.

And maybe that's what was happening now. I got the feeling there was something amiss back there, some new crisis. What if I was wrong again? And was it any of my business? Could I help? Surely not. I'd only make things worse again.

I pulled on my helmet and turned on the ignition. I sat there, waiting for something to release me, allow me to take off down that street and not involve myself in what was happening back there. I waited. I opened myself to not feeling responsible.

I couldn't do it. I turned the bike and headed back. Now I was anxious to be there. As I pulled up, Alex ran from the house as Angie had and looked up and down the street. He didn't seem at all surprised to see me.

Have you seen Daisy? he called.

No, I called back. I had a sudden flash of Daisy stricken on the front step.

She's disappeared. We've already searched the house and the garden. She might have been gone a fair while. I was … busy with Jess.

I pulled off the helmet and got off the bike.

Let's look. She is here somewhere. Maybe she's hiding. She was probably afraid.

I was thinking of her seeing me and her mother's reaction to me. Alex was no doubt thinking of her distraught face at the bedroom door, but I didn't hear that story till later.

We ran through the house and the garden, calling and searching. Daisy did not want to be found. Angie and Jess were also searching. Everyone looked worried as we gathered back in the kitchen.

What about friends? I asked.

Good idea, said Alex. She might have gone to a friend's house.

Who are Daisy's friends these days? Jess said.

Angie looked at her mother. If anyone knows, you should, she said. You're her mother.

Jess was almost talking to herself. I can't remember any friends coming to visit her lately.

Is that surprising? Angie said.

I had never seen Alex stand up to these women but now he did.

That's enough. Daisy's the only important thing here. Just think about where else she could have gone.

We all thought for a few moments. Something tugged at my mind.

What about your father's? Jess asked.

I've already phoned, Alex said. He'll call if she turns up.

I wonder … I began. The others looked at me.

I have a … what do you call it? an inkle …? anyway, a feeling. Remember when we went to the shack? Daisy said Joey lived at the shack. She wanted to visit him.

Jess put her head down on her arms.

Angie looked at me. You think she's gone to the shack? How?

I don't know. Is there a bus?

Angie and Alex looked at each other.

There is! Angie said. Remember? Joey and Daisy and I took it once when you and Mum had gone ahead the day before.

It's worth a try, Alex said. Let's get down to the bus depot. Jess, could you get a photo of Daisy?

Jess went wordlessly from the room and returned with a photo of a beaming Daisy. She trailed her fingers over the photo and put it on the table. Then she began to cry.

Alex put his arm around her.

We'll find her, he said. You'll see.