The Society Of Dirty Hearts (22 page)

“You don’t return my calls, so I came to see you in person.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think?” said Eleanor, hurt that he needed to ask. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay – which you’re obviously not.”

“You shouldn’t be here.” Julian was trying to be brusque, but there was little force in his voice.

“Why not?”

“I promised your dad I’d stay away from you until this…thing is over.”

Eleanor frowned. “Dad had no right to make you promise that. I’m not a kid anymore, Julian. I make my own decisions, and if I want to see you then that’s up to me.”

“We were only trying to protect you.”

“Well I don’t need to be protected.”

Yes, you do, Julian told himself. He didn’t say anything to Eleanor, though. He didn’t have the energy to manoeuvre his way around all the questions such a response would provoke. “You should leave.”

Instead of doing so, Eleanor stepped closer to him – close enough that he caught her scent. She smelled of soap and talcum powder. He had a sudden urge to bury his face in her hair, hold on to her tightly while pouring everything, all the frustration, anxiety and fear of the past few days into her ears. He knew she’d gladly take it from him, but he couldn’t allow himself to pollute her with it. Rightly or wrongly, he’d come to think of her as something pure and good, something that needed to be preserved. “This thing with Mia Bradshaw could go on and on,” she said. “If you keep your promise, I might not see you again for days, weeks, maybe even months. Is that what you want?”

“Of course not, but-”

“But nothing.” Eleanor interjected. The soft line of her lips drew into a sad smile. “Don’t you understand, Julian? I can see you’re hurting, and anything that hurts you hurts me. I’d convinced myself I didn’t love you anymore, but seeing you like this, looking so…so tired and lost, I realise I was wrong.” She looked up into Julian’s face for a reply or some sign that her feelings were reciprocated. He remained silent. He suddenly felt that if he spoke tears would come streaming from his eyes. And he knew he couldn’t afford to cry. If he was going to have to keep returning to Mr X’s house day after day, week after week, month after month, he needed to keep his emotions locked down tight.

“Don’t worry,” said Eleanor. “I don’t expect you to say you love me back. I know –at least, I think I know – you have feelings for me. For the time being, it’s enough if you’ll just let me be with you. Let me help you.”

“You’re right,” said Julian, as the tears behind his eyes subsided. “I do have feelings for you. That’s why I can’t let you help me.”

“I’m not talking about helping find Mia Bradshaw. I’m talking about taking care of you. You can’t keep on like this, Julian. You’ll get sick, and then you’ll be no good to Mia or anyone.”

Julian lowered his gaze, his brow jagged with lines of indecision. Eleanor was right, he knew. What with Mia, and the dreams, and his mum, and trying to save the business, he was almost ready to collapse, both physically and emotionally. If she could take just a little of the pressure off him, maybe it would be enough to keep him going – keep him sane. He felt himself weakening, felt his eyes drawn back to her eyes, her hair. “You’ve got to promise, no questions about Mia Bradshaw.”

Eleanor smiled again, this time with relief, and nodded. Then she was putting her arms around Julian, leaning in to press her mouth against his. She tasted of lip gloss, a familiar sweet, waxy taste. And she tasted of yearning. He sighed into her mouth, feeling her warmth and strength, taking it for his own. It ran through his veins, hotter than whisky. For a moment, he was lost to everything but her. Then, realising the danger, he drew away, shaking his head. “No, I can’t do this now, Eleanor. No matter how much I want to. I’m sorry.”

“Well, then, we don’t have to do this…anything…now…” Eleanor’s voice wavered, tears coming into her eyes. “We can just be friends, until you’re ready for more.”

“I don’t know if I can just be friends with you. Besides, it wouldn’t be right. I’d be using you, and I...well, I care for you too much to do that.”

“Then use me. I’ve got enough strength for both of us.”

Julian stared at Eleanor almost in disbelief. She’d bared her heart, laid herself open to him. Now she was offering everything she had, asking nothing in return. How could he not give in to that? He gave her cheek a slight caress with one finger. “Leaving you was stupidest thing I ever did.”

Eleanor nodded as if that was self-evident. “But you’re back now, right?”

“You always were stubborn.”

“We’re both stubborn, that’s why we’re good for each other.” Eleanor’s eyes searched Julian’s. “So what happens now?”

“Now I need to work. The business is going through a bad patch.”

“How bad?”

“Well put it this way, if we don’t start to turn things around in the next few months, we might never turn them around.”

“Seriously? That’s awful. Is there anything I can do to help out?”

Julian considered Eleanor’s offer a moment, then said, “Actually there is. We’re thinking about having a new website designed. You can help with that if you like.” When she eagerly agreed, he showed her the old website and they made a list of things he wanted from a new one.

“It’s a bit different to setting up an archive but, yeah, I think I can do that. I’ll start work on it today.”

“That’d be great. It’d save us an absolute fortune and free me up to get on with other things.” Feeling a slight lightening sensation in his chest, Julian smiled and added, “We’d pay you, of course.”

Eleanor shook her head. “I don’t want your money, Julian, I just want to see you happy.” She picked up the list. “I’d better get to work on this.”

“I’ll see you later.”

“You promise.”

“I promise.”

Eleanor looked at Julian as if she was thinking about kissing him again, but made no move to. “You’ve changed, you know.”

“Have I?”

“Yeah, you seem…older.”

“I suppose living away from home does that to you.”

Eleanor shook her head. “It’s not that. I didn’t notice it when you first got back, but now, well, it’s like years not weeks have passed since then.”

It felt like that to Julian too. He held in a sigh. “Nobody stays the same.”

“I guess not.” Eleanor hesitated, then added, “You know, if there’s something bothering you other than Mia Bradshaw, you can talk to me about it. You can talk to me about anything.”

Not for the first time, Julian wondered how Eleanor would look at him if he told her about his dreams. She’d look at him with the same revulsion he looked at himself in the mirror each morning, he knew that much. But would she ever again be able to look at him with the same pureness of love as now? Or would her eyes always be tainted by the knowledge that there was something so monstrous trying to get in, or trying to get out of him? “Thanks,” he said, blinking away from Eleanor’s eyes. He made a show of typing on the computer, but as soon as she was gone he reached for the whisky and took a long pull at it.

Chapter 19

For a while Julian dwelled on Eleanor, trying to make sense of his feelings. He needed her. He supposed he’d always known that, but he hadn’t really admitted it to himself until now. She symbolised the best of his world and anchored him to it. Without her, he was an emotional wreck, drifting towards a nervous breakdown. But if he wanted to have a future with her, he knew, sooner or later he was going to have to let her see into the darkest corners of his mind. The thought made him want to shrink away from that future, but it was preferable to living a lie. Wasn’t it? Or was it better to keep that part of himself hidden from her? In his head, he heard his dad saying,
sometimes you have to lie to protect people
. Then his mum’s voice rose up in opposition.
The worst thing in the world
, it chanted,
the worst thing in the world, the worst thing in the world
...

He silenced the competing voices with another mouthful of whisky. His thoughts returned to the only person he’d felt comfortable opening his mind to, the only person he’d met with the power to stop the dreams. Mia. “Where are you?” he murmured, closing his eyes. In desperation, he tried to reach out to her with his mind, thinking, maybe she was right, maybe I do have my grandma’s power. But if he did, he couldn’t tap into it. He found himself struggling even to picture Mia’s face. The memory of it was fading like an old photograph. A kind of panic rising up in him, he logged into Facebook and navigated to her homepage. He stared at her face, fixing the smallest details of it in his mind – the intense blue eyes, the pale skin scattered with a faint spray of freckles, the painted pouting lips, the hard curve of her jaw. He stiffened at every sound outside his door, expecting it to be Tom Benson come to haul him down the station. But the policeman didn’t come. He wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not. By the end of the day, the whisky bottle was almost empty, and he felt almost empty too. His dad came into the office and asked, “So, how’s your day been?”

“I found someone to design the website,” said Julian, and he told his dad about Eleanor.

Robert smiled. “That’s fantastic. Come on, time for home.”

Muzzy-headed from drink, Julian sluggishly followed his dad to the car. He sat slumped in the passenger seat, unmoving, unspeaking, until his dad drove past the turn for their house. “Where are we going?” he asked, sitting up, little puckers forming around his eyes as he looked at the approaching forest.

“You’ll see. It’s a surprise.”

As they drove further into the forest, getting closer to the turn off for Mr X’s house, Julian began to feel increasingly agitated. It crossed his mind that maybe Tom Benson had contacted his dad and arranged to meet them at Mr X’s place, so that they could prove to him once and for all that Mia wasn’t there. He hoped with everything he had in him that that wasn’t the case. The policeman was right, it was easier for him to believe in Mr X, than face up to the possibility that Mia was dead. He released a silent breath of relief, when his dad turned into the driveway of a house just off The Old Forest Road. Robert pointed to a car parked in the drive – a shiny Audi, the kind of thing middle-ranking executives drive. “Well, what do you think?” he asked. “Do you like it?”

“Yeah sure, it’s nice.”

“I’m glad you think so, because it’s yours.” Robert smiled at Julian as if expecting a smile in return. He just about managed to muster one up. His dad went on to tell him that a business acquaintance had happened to mention he was looking to sell his car and he thought it’d be perfect for him.

“It is, but are you sure you can afford it?” Julian asked, a little awkwardly, not wanting to embarrass his dad.

Robert wafted his words away. “When it comes to business you need to look the part if you want to be taken seriously.” With a wink, he added, “And besides, it’s tax deductible.”

Julian looked the car over while his dad went off to collect the keys. When he returned, he handed him them and the car ownership documents, saying, “No driving too fast on the forest roads and no jumping red lights. I don’t want anymore trips to the hospital this week. Okay?”

“Okay. Thanks for this, Dad.” Julian would’ve liked to say more, tell him how grateful he was for everything he’d done for him, maybe even hug him or something. But he didn’t know how. “You want to go for a spin?”

Robert shook his head. “I’ve got a few details to sort out here. I’ll see you back at home.”

Julian drove extra carefully back to town – not because of what his dad had said, the last thing he needed was to be pulled over with a quart of whisky sloshing around inside him. He didn’t go home, he went to the Hill’s house. Mike Hill came to the door. “Hello, Julian, what can I do for you?”

“I’m here to see Eleanor.”

A frown of surprise creased the journalist’s forehead. With a quick glance over his shoulder, he said in a hushed voice, “I thought we’d agreed you’d stay away from Ellie for now.”

“I know, but things have changed.”

“How have they changed? Have you found something out about Mia Bradshaw?”

Julian shook his head. “Thing is, me and Eleanor, well, we’ve decided to get back together.” Mike didn’t look pleased. Bolstered by alcohol, Julian didn’t care. “Is she in?”

“Yes.”

“Can I go up and see her?”

Mike stretched his arm across the doorway. “I’ve got to say, I’m disappointed in you, Julian.”

“Well you’ve got no right to be,” Eleanor said sharply, descending the stairs behind her dad. “Julian would’ve done as he promised, if I hadn’t convinced him not to. I’m the one who should be disappointed – disappointed in you. You had no right to interfere in my life like that. I’m not a child.”

“You’re right,” agreed Mike. “You’re not a child, but you’re not an adult yet either.”

“I’m eighteen. In the eyes of the law, I’m an adult.”

“In the eyes of the law, yes, but not in my eyes. In my eyes, you’re still my baby girl. Do you understand?”

Her eyes softening to their usual tenderness, Eleanor sighed and nodded. “But you’ve got to understand something too, Dad. I love Julian and want to be with him no matter what.”

“And does he feel the same?” Mike shot a narrow glance at Julian. “I mean, he left you once before, what’s to stop him doing it again?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” said Julian. “I’m here, and I’m staying here.”

“Well Ellie’s not. She’s going to university in September. What’ll you do then?”

“I’m not definitely going,” said Eleanor. “I might put it off a year, reapply somewhere closer to home.”

Mike’s eyes widened in disapproving surprise. “What? You can’t be serious. You’ve been accepted into one of the best universities in-”

“I don’t want to talk about this now,” Eleanor cut him off.

“Well I do. You’re talking about putting your future in jeopardy over some boy who, well, to put it frankly, who isn’t worth it.”

Spots of colour came into Eleanor’s cheeks. Pursing her lips as if to contain her anger, she turned to Julian. “Want to go for a walk?”

“Sure.”