The Snowball Effect (24 page)

Oh. So he'd just seen Riley at the mall. No big deal. “Yeah?” I asked.

“Well, he wanted to talk to me.”

“About what?”

“You.” Rodney started to laugh. “He told me that he respects you as a person and he respects your decisions, but he's really in love with you and he thinks he might still have a shot. He'd appreciate it if I'd step aside and let him have one more try to win you over.”

I didn't even know what to say. “He thinks I'm dating you?”

Rodney laughed. “Apparently. Anyway, he wasn't a dick about it at all. He came and said what he had to say, and I tried to convince him that there's nothing going on between us—and that I hadn't even known you two had broken up, actually, thanks for telling me—but he just
kept saying, ‘It's cool, man.' Then he rambled on some more about how much he loves you. I didn't know what to do. So finally I agreed to step aside. Anyway, what happened? How'd he try to win you back?”

“He hasn't. I haven't talked to him yet.”

“Well, you gotta let me know what happens. I've never seen someone so heartsick in my life. It was sad and hilarious all at the same time.”

After I got off the phone with Rodney, I called Kara. I didn't even want to take a moment to think about what Rodney had just told me. If I let myself get sidetracked, I'd never get through my list.

“I'm sorry,” I said to Kara.

“It's all right. Where have you been hiding out? Did you elope with Eric?”

“We went to Orlando for a few days,” I said. “Not me and Eric. Me and Vallery and Collin.” An inadequate explanation, but at least it was coherent.

“Jesus. You could have let someone know.”

“You're right, I should have. But it was kind of a surprise. Vallery's ex-boyfriend showed up, and she freaked out, and we left and then just kind of had a vacation for Collin, to make up for his birthday party sucking so bad.”

“That's sweet. But you still should have called.”

“I know. I'm an awful person. Anyway, are you still at the hospital?”

“No, I'm at home. I have to work tonight, so I need to get some sleep.”

“Oh. I didn't mean to keep you up. I'm sorry.”

“You're not bothering me. It's good to hear your voice.”

After I got off the phone with Kara, I emptied my book bag on the floor. I pulled Mom's notebooks out from under my mattress and shoved them inside. I slung the bag over my shoulder and went out to the car. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with them, but I wanted to have them with me.

There was a note taped to the steering wheel.

No, not a note. My list of everything wrong with the Grand Am.

Everything was crossed off in red marker except the part about the volume control. Riley had written a note: “It doesn't do this for me. You must be crazy.”

So this was how he was going to win me back. He'd fixed everything. He'd replaced the windshield. The windows rolled up and down again. The lights worked. I didn't even want to think about all the money I owed him.

The next step on the Lainey Pike Whirlwind Reconciliation Tour was Eric's house. I didn't know what I was going to say to him, but whatever it was, I knew I had to say it in person. I went around to the basement door and knocked.

“I'm sorry,” I said when he opened the door. That was going to be my mantra for the day: I'm sorry, I know I should have called, I'm so sorry.

He stood there wearing just his pajama bottoms. He
didn't say anything, so I guessed I was supposed to keep apologizing. “My sister's ex-boyfriend showed up and she freaked out and we left. We drove to Orlando. We took my brother to Disney World. My cell phone died. I couldn't call anyone.”

He shrugged and smiled. “That's cool. I hope you had a nice time.”

“Um, okay. I just wanted to say I was sorry for not telling you I left. We didn't tell anyone. Everybody was really worried about us. I know it was a stupid thing to do.”

“I didn't know what was going on. I stopped by a few times. That other guy was at your house all week, fixing your car.”

I nodded. “Yeah, my sister asked him to fix it after it broke down.”

“I would have taken care of it for you, if you'd asked.”

“You said you don't know anything about cars.”

“I could have taken it to a mechanic.”

“But he is a mechanic.”

“Oh. Are you getting back together with him? I'm kind of getting that vibe.”

I shrugged.

He reached out and touched my arm. “Hey, if that's what you want to do, don't feel bad,” Eric said. “I'm a big boy.”

“You're moving,” I said.

He nodded. “Not far, though.”

“It seems far. You remember what you told me before, about doing what's in my heart?”

He shook his head. “You don't have to apologize. I've already gotten used to the idea. I just…I don't want to think I wasted your time. Or screwed anything up for you.”

“No,” I said. “No way. He's just…do you remember when we got snowballs? He's like my raspberry, you know? And I don't know if that's good or bad, but…it is what it is.”

Eric kind of laughed. “I can appreciate that. But that makes me your chocolate-covered cherry, yeah?”

I nodded.

He grinned. “So did I stop the world? Even for a little while?”

“Oh my God, you are so cheesy.” I turned away from Eric because I didn't want him to see that I'd started to cry just a little. I'd never cried so much in my life as I'd cried already that year.

“Oh, honey,” Eric said. He held out his arms and I let him hug me. He kissed my forehead. “You tried something new,” he whispered. “That was brave. And we had fun, right? We had fun. Don't be upset.”

I didn't think I'd been brave. I'd been silly and reckless and selfish. I'd hurt Riley. I'd gotten Gina and her stupid side ponytail involved. Now I was hurting Eric, even though he'd been nothing but awesome, even though we'd had fun, even though it felt so good to let
him hold me. I didn't want to turn and walk away from him knowing I'd never be able to run my fingers through his chest hair again.

But love wasn't a buffet. I couldn't have everything that looked good.

“Maybe I'll see you around?” he said. “On those late-night Slurpee runs?”

I grinned and pulled away from him. “Yeah. Maybe.”

I was glad we didn't say anything about staying friends, because that was always a lie. Real people didn't do that. I'd seen the Old Crew girls try, and it never worked out. We wouldn't be friends. He'd fade away. I'd forget the way he smelled, the way it felt to snuggle up next to him in the cool basement. He'd go off to Pennsylvania for the winter. He'd meet new people, maybe a new girl, maybe a few new girls. I'd be a girl he had once dated, for what? A month? In the grand scheme of a person's life, that wasn't a long time at all. Insignificant, really. I told myself that over and over as I walked to my car and resisted the urge to run back in and tell him, no, we'd make it work. Somehow.

I turned the car on, but I didn't want to drive away. I felt like there was so much I still had to say to him. I wanted to ask him about his mother. If he told me more about his mother, it'd be like he was telling me more about my own mother. And now I finally cared, now that it was too late to ask him anything. Why had it bothered me so much before, the thought that his
mother and my mother had known each other? Why was it a bad thing?

I'd wanted to forget she even existed. I didn't want Eric to know about her. The best thing about Eric had probably been that he had no idea who I really was.

But I didn't need Eric to tell me about my mother.

I had that book bag full of notebooks.

 

As I drove to Riley's house, I thought about how crappy it was that I'd broken up with him, ignored him for days after he fixed my car, and then hadn't even bought him a key chain or anything from Disney World. I mean, even the worst (ex-)girlfriend in the world could have been
that
thoughtful.

To be honest, I didn't know if going back to Riley was the right thing to do. I didn't know if I was doing it because I was jealous and didn't want a stupid jock girl with a stupid hairdo to have him. I didn't know if I was doing it because I was scared to be without him and things were just easier when he was around. I didn't know if I was doing it because he'd been sweet and fixed my car and was obviously so in love with me. I didn't know if I was doing it because I thought I needed him around to help me with Collin. I just knew that it was what I felt like doing, so it was what I was going to do. Kara approved. Eric understood. I knew I shouldn't have to back up my own feelings with anyone else's approval, but it felt good to have it.

Riley was coming down the front walk before I'd even gotten out of the car. He grabbed me and lifted me off my feet.

“Riley, I—”

“Shhh,” he said. And he just stood there on the sidewalk holding me up like I was a little kid. I wrapped my arms around him.

“You don't have to win me back,” I said. “The car and everything, that was great, but—”

“Doesn't even matter,” he said. “I'm just glad you're okay.”

“What happened to beating me?”

He smiled and shrugged. “Changed my mind. Listen, I made something while you were gone,” he said. He put me back down on my feet.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Come on,” he said. He took my hand and we walked toward the house. I followed him to his room. He picked up a photo album and handed it to me. I opened it up. And then I realized it wasn't a photo album. It was a scrapbook. For Collin.

I flipped the pages. It started with pictures of Carl and Mom. Then pictures of Collin. Pictures of all of us. Christmas and birthdays. The pictures from Collin's graduation—the last pictures we'd ever have of Mom. The second half of the book was empty.

“We have to take more pictures,” Riley said. “So we can fill the second half.”

I flipped back to a page at the beginning. “What's up with these little squares?” I asked. Almost every page had a different colored square.

“That's the journaling block,” Riley said. “You're supposed to write about what's happening in the picture. Or whatever. Whatever you want to write. I figured you should do that yourself. I mean, I know I've known him as long as you have. But it still seemed like, you know, the words should come from you.”

“He'll love it. We got our Disney World pictures printed at this one-hour place before we left Orlando. He looked at them over and over again on the drive home. I mean, over and over.”

Riley grinned. “I told you.”

“Hey, have you been to the hospital?” I asked. “To see the baby?”

He hadn't, so we got in the pickup and drove to the hospital. On the way, I told him all about the trip, what Collin liked and didn't like, what we'd have to do again if we ever went back. He never asked if I'd take him back, and I never asked if he'd take
me
back, but things felt right again.

When we got to the hospital, Christine was asleep and Wallace was sitting in her room, looking at the baby.

“Where've you been?” Wallace asked with a grin. I saw him look down. Riley and I were holding hands.

“Disney World,” I said.

He laughed. He probably couldn't tell if I was serious
or just giving him a flip answer.

“Want to hold her?” he asked.

I nodded. He picked the baby up out of her crib and handed her to me. I sat in the chair by the window. It was amazing how tiny and shriveled up they were when they were just born. It was hard to believe that they grew up to be real people. I thought about Collin and how little he'd seemed when we'd first gotten him, but he would have been huge compared to Christine's baby. I'd never seen Collin this small, not even in pictures.

Riley stood beside me with his hand on my shoulder. He looked down at me and Christine's baby and smiled.

“Don't even think about it,” I whispered.

“It's okay to just
think
about it,” he said. “One day.”

“Not any day soon.”

He shrugged. “When Collin's older.”

“Much older.”

 

Riley had to go to work, so I went to work with him for the first two hours of his shift and sat in the waiting room, drinking gross coffee out of a Styrofoam cup. I caught glimpses of him in the garage, through the big glass window, and when he came into the waiting room and announced, “2002 Jeep Cherokee?” and waited to see which customer stood up.

While I sat there, I started reading Mom's notes. I started with one of the composition books. There were no dates, so I didn't know what came first. Her handwriting
wasn't that great. I read slowly, but I didn't give up; and I knew I'd eventually make it through all the books plus the binder. I didn't know if it would be enough, but I figured it was the least I could do.

And then, scribbled in one of the margins, I read this:

When I got back to the house, Lenard Fry Jr. was sitting on the front step. I thought about staying in the car and driving away, but I didn't. I parked and walked up to him.

“Hey, Lenard,” I said.

He stood up. “I knocked. She won't let me in. I know she's in there. That's her car.”

Her car. Lenard didn't want the car. Vallery's paranoia was out of control.

“Why are you here?” I asked. “Really?”

“I miss her,” he said. “She just took off.”

I walked past Lenard Fry Jr. and stuck my key into the lock. “Come on in,” I said.

Lenard followed me into the house. Collin was jumping on the couch and watching TV. “No jumping,” I said to Collin. I swatted at him. He crashed down on the couch and sat still for about three seconds before I heard him stand up and start jumping again.