The Slam (9 page)

Chapter Nine

ENDER

A promise is a promise, and I intended to keep my word. But it was days before I even had the time to find Adelaide a date. Edric helped me round up a bunch of guys and now I was second-guessing myself, wondering if it was a mistake to even get him involved. My brother always had a way of taking things too far with his ‘Go big or go home’ mentality.

“There are fifteen guys waiting outside that door,” Edric said eagerly. “Waiting for their casting call.”

Leather creaked as I reclined in my chair. “This is not some reality show.” I shot him an irritated glance.

“Of course it is!” Then he cleared his throat and lowered his voice like he was Chris motherfucking Harrison. “Be prepared for the most
dramatic
season of The Bachelorette.” A dramatic pause as he clinked an imaginary champagne glass with an imaginary butter knife. “EVER!”

I scowled. “We’re not finding her a fucking husband, Edric. We’re just helping her find a date.”

“Aha!” He waved an impatient hand. “That’s where you’re wrong, brotha. Not just any date—her
first
date. And we need to make sure it goes off without a hitch. Wait ’til you meet these guys.”

“Can’t wait,” I said dryly. “What have you told them so far?”

“Only that she’s our cousin.”

“Our cousin?” I frowned. Finally, with a resigned sigh, I said, “Send in the first one.”

Edric opened the door with a flourish and a guy sporting a multi-colored Mohawk sauntered in like he owned the whole damn joint. “Sup, homies,” he drawled.

I went straight to business. “Name?”

“Ryan,” he answered.

“Ryan.” I sat back in my chair, fingers steepled at the tips. “Picture this scenario: You’re dropping by to pick Adelaide up for a date. I open the front door and ask, ‘What are your intentions with my, erm… cousin?’” I paused. “Tell me, how would you answer that?”

Without missing a beat, he said, “To treat her how I’d like my sister to be treated. And I’ll have her home from our date—which will take place entirely in a well-lit public place—no later than the time you’re about to tell me.”

I studied him with narrowed eyes. Humph. This guy was full of shit. I could smell his douchebaggery from a mile away.

“Thanks,” I said shortly. “Wait outside.”

When he left, I snapped my gaze to my brother. “How many guys did you say you had waiting outside?”

“Fifteen,” he said. “Mostly freshmen.”

I nodded, but said nothing.

“So…” he hedged. “Should I send in the next one?”

“NO!” I barked. “Tell ’em all to leave. I don’t have time for this shit.”

“Wait!” Edric said urgently. “How about we just let them sweat it out there for ten minutes? Then we can hear everything they’re saying.”

“You want to eavesdrop on them.” A statement, not a question.

“Yeah,” he said, lowering his voice. “That will help us eliminate the lame ass losers.”

I had to concede, it wasn’t such a bad idea. The walls in this Sigma Chi chapter house were paper-thin, allowing us to hear everything in the next room without having to put our ears to the door.

Before long, we heard voices. Loud voices. “You won’t believe what that mawfucker asked me.” Ryan’s gravelly voice echoed through the walls.

“What?” several other voices piped up.

“He asked me what my intentions were with his cousin.” Ryan snickered. “Of course I gave him a bunch of horseshit.”

“Well,” someone spoke up. “What are your true intentions?”

Ryan gave a snort of laughter. “To shower her with love and semen.”

A rumble of guffaws broke out.

“I intend to go spelunking in her glorious caverns,” came a rough voice.

Another roar of laughter echoed through the walls.

I cut a deadly glare in my brother’s direction. “Where the fuck did you find these assclowns?”

Meanwhile, just outside our door, it was suddenly deadly quiet.

Moments later, the door creaked open and Adelaide sauntered in. “Hi, guys,” she said cheerfully.

I frowned. “What the hell are you doing here?”

This was our frat house and she had no business being here.

“Don’t be mad.” She sent me a smile that lit up her face and lingered in her eyes. “Edric told me you were interviewing candidates to go out with me. I just wanted to meet the guys.”

“You’re not meeting them until I decide who goes out with you.”

“But.” She looked from me to Edric. “Shouldn’t it be my decision?”

“You asked for
my
help,” I reminded her. “And I’m your legal guardian, so it’s my decision.”

“Well,” she amended. “Technically, Camille is my legal guardian.”

“Camille transferred that responsibility to me. So I decide what’s best for you.”

“Gosh.” She let out a clipped sigh. “You’re always so bossy.”

“And why are you dressed like that?” I demanded.

Adelaide sent me a quizzical look. Then she turned the quizzical expression to her outfit, glancing down at her tennis skirt.

It was probably the only thing I’d seen her in that didn’t hang over her body like a loose potato sack. And goddammit, she looked good. Her physique was stunning and with her hair pulled back in a high ponytail, she possessed a sort of schoolgirl charm.

“I’m going to play tennis.” She seemed confused over the anger in my voice.

“Tennis?” I frowned, irritated that I found the sight of her in that short skirt so fucking hot. “With who?”

“With you, of course.” She said it like it was a given. “You’re going to practice after this, aren’t you?”

I nodded.

“Well, I’m joining you,” she said. “I want to hit some balls, sweat, get some exercise. It’s been weeks since I’ve—”

“Shhhhhhh!” Edric shushed us. “Lower your damn voices! I’m trying to listen here!”

“To what?” She looked at me with questioning eyes. “What are we listening to?”

“To what those guys are saying about you.”

She blinked a couple times, then her eyes widened with comprehension. “Oh, so we’re eavesdropping. But why are we—”

“Shhhhhhhh!” Edric shushed us again. “Be quiet! They’re talking now.”

Adelaide bit down on her lower lip and didn’t say another word.

“Fuck me. Was that
her
?” Ryan spoke first. “Dear God, that woman has a spectacular rear end. I would sexually disappoint her in less than thirty seconds.”

“HOT DAYUM!” said another. “I would do unspeakable things to her.”

“I’ll tell you what I wanna do to her,” came another voice. “Bend her over and show her the fifty states.”

Coarse, raucous laughter rumbled through the walls.

“I swear,” said another guy. “The stiffy I got from staring at her ass gave me a fucking hernia.”

“Man, that girl’s got a nice bubblicious bubble butt. I’d like to eat a bowl of cereal off of that ass!”

“That chick’s got a big ol’ Buick! Ol’ Joe wanna put a can o’ peaches on there and knock it off with mah privates!”

“DAT ASS, THO! I would bury my dick so deep in that juicy butt! Whoever pulled me out would be crowned the next King Arthur.”

Adelaide’s eyes widened like saucers. “Are they… are they talking about
me?!?”

“Well…” Edric said carefully. “At least they’re saying nice things about your ass.”

For a moment, her gaze turned inward and she became thoughtful. “I can understand why they’re objectifying my bum. Generally speaking, people are quite realistic and they realize that the rail-thin supermodel look is unrealistic. And subconsciously, men will always look at a woman’s hip to waist ratio, which indicates their suitability for child bearing.” She shrugged. “So really, evolution is to blame.”

I scowled. “You’re telling me you’d actually
date
one of those dicks out there?”

“Of course not.” She looked mortified. “They’re so…
crass
. Is that how guys talk about girls?”

“Not at all,” Edric assured her. “Most of those horndogs out there are rushing our fraternity.”

She blinked. “Rushing?”

“They’re considering becoming pledge members of Sigma Chi,” he explained.

“Oh,” she said. “Are most frat guys horndogs?”

“Almost exclusively,” I said without expression.

Adelaide managed a weak smile, and for once she looked a little uncertain.

“Now you see why we’re trying to weed them out and—” I stopped mid-sentence when I heard someone in the other room say, “I wonder if Ender has tapped that
smokin’
ass.”

“Ender?” Ryan gave a derisive snort. “That’s his name? I wonder if his parents named him Ender ’cause his mom liked it in the rear ender.”

I clenched my jaw. All that pent-up anger that had roiled inside me when they were talking smack about Adelaide simmered to the surface and with an explosive lunge I was up and out of my chair when a large hand closed over my shoulder, restraining me.

“Let go, Edric.”

“The dude’s got a rainbow Mohawk with frosted tips,” my brother said calmly. “You can’t insult him any more than he already has. I mean, look at the guy. He looks like he screwed a peacock and seriously, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone with frosted tips since the nineties.”

“Actually,” Adelaide remarked. “I saw a couple guys in Germany a few years ago with frosted tips.”

“Hah!” Edric laughed, but he kept a firm grip on my shoulder. “The elusive
frosted tip man
, once a dominant species, has receded back to the heart of Europe, it would seem.”

“It would seem so.” Adelaide nodded.

With an impatient growl, I jerked out of my brother’s hold. “Tell all ’em fuckers to fuck off. I’ve heard enough!”

“Look,” Edric said calmly. “They’re not all dicks. I can promise you that. In fact, I know for sure that two of them are… erm…” He seemed to be struggling to find the right word. “Decent?”

“Fine!” I began pacing back and forth. “Send them in and send the others away.”

Edric left and five minutes later, he returned with the two ‘decent’ guys out of the group.

Without preliminaries, I asked, “Names?”

“Miguel,” said one. “Hank,” said the other.

I presented the same scenario and posed the same question. Then I added, “Now don’t give me a bunch of bullshit. I want to hear your real answers.”

Hank was the first to speak. “Well,” he said. “Until I’m earning good money, my intention is to avoid vaginal sex in case she gets pregnant.”

“Calm down, brother,” Edric said dryly. “Your forehead veins are popping out.”

I drew a deep breath. Exhaled. “And what about you, Miguel?”

He was wearing a shirt that had been dyed to match his eyes. “Oh, it’s my turn?” Miguel said exuberantly. “
Ay, Dios mio
,” he murmured before launching off into a long spiel. “First, I’ll take her out for a
fabulous
brunch at this darling French bistro I just found on Main Street. Then we’ll goss about our besties, our summer plans, the best of the Paris runway season, and who’s staying at whose place in the Hamptons. And then I’ll take her shopping!” Turning to Adelaide, he flashed her a smile and said, “I found these adorable wing-tips at Christian Louboutin that you’d totally DIE for.” Pursing his lips, he tapped a finger against them. “Let’s see… and after that, we’ll probably get some mani-pedis. My regular place has this Thai-style lemongrass, herbal body wrap that’s infused with raw sugar and Himalayan salt. It exfoliates and moisturizes and it’s supposed to be an absolute
miracle
for tired skin so we must try that. Oh, it’s gonna be
so fab
!” he gushed. “And then if I feel like violating my CrossFit trainer’s instructions—all Atkins, no dairy and no sugar—I’ll take her to Cold Stone for some good old-fashioned ice cream.”

A beat passed.

Then another.

I stopped short. I opened my mouth to respond but nothing came out. Finally, I cut my gaze to Adelaide and said, “I think I’ve just found you a date.”

After she and Miguel had exchanged digits, Adelaide said, “I’m so excited. I’m really looking forward to our date.”

“As am I,” Miguel said theatrically. “I’ll call you, but for now,
vaya con dios, mi vada!
” Then he did a triple zigzag finger snap and sashayed away.

While Adelaide seemed happy with my choice, Edric stood staring at me. His eyebrows came together with an almost audible snap. “
Nooooo
.” His voice was grave with disbelief and disapproval. “You did
not
just do that.”

“Do what?” I challenged.