The Siren (21 page)

I couldn’t say. Would God let me come here to meet Akinli only to have me lose him again?

I looked into Akinli’s handsome eyes. I know I had to seem sad.

“You know what? I do believe it. I think that everything happens for a reason. Even the bad stuff can bring us to someplace good.” He touched my cheek as he said those last words. If he did mean me…

You think that now because you don’t know I have to leave you.

He chuckled.

“Alright. I think you’re onto something. Next time I ask about faith, we’ll use paper, okay? I shouldn’t spring that on you without you being able to explain.”

I gave him a serious nod. It was unfair to leave me stranded without a way to explain myself.

I sighed. The evening was passing on. My time was running out, but thinking about that would only ruin it. So I smiled as Akinli started to move.

He stood quickly and pulled me up along with him. “Do you want to get your feet wet?” he said enthusiastically, trying to change the mood.

He succeeded.

Without meaning to, I took several steps backwards. I couldn’t be in
Her
. That was the greatest danger I could think of. I found myself trying to pull my hand out of his grip.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?”

I nodded my head, but I don’t think I pulled my face together well enough.

“Kahlen, honey, are you afraid of the water?” he asked. I was thinking of too many things to properly answer. I was engulfed in worry at being in the Ocean, nervous about how to respond, and warmed because Akinli just called me “honey.”

“I noticed it on the boat today, too. When you got in, you looked at the gap between the dock and the boat like it was the scariest thing in the world.”

I stared. I didn’t know I had done that.

“Kahlen, do you think maybe you
did
fall off of a boat? I thought that at first, remember? Because you smelled like the ocean. Do you think that might have been what happened?”

I shrugged. I knew I looked worried, and I was trying to unwrinkle my forehead. I didn’t want him to worry about me. He took my face gently in his hands, and I looked into his eyes. I could feel the tension in my body fading at his touch.

“I’m sorry. I’m asking too many questions. I know you can’t remember any of that, and I shouldn’t push you. I’m sorry if I upset you.” His hands were gentle but supported my head in such a way that I couldn’t feel its weight at all. Honestly, as he looked into my eyes, I couldn’t feel the weight of anything. “Don’t you worry about it anymore. We don’t have to get anywhere near the water. And I won’t make you go on the boat again if it makes you nervous. Never again.”

He pulled me in like he did this morning, as if he felt a sudden urge to protect me. I must not have been as good an actress as I thought if he could read my nerves so easily. His arms wrapped around me like a shield, and my worries faded into black along with the night. I couldn’t make out their shape or color anymore. All I could see was Akinli.

The song switched in the distance. The tempo was steady but slow. One of the girls sighed.

I thought about how I was supposed to have left tonight. That was the plan. There were no new answers, and there never would be. I had given Akinli his day, but now it was just assumed I’d stay. He had just promised to never make me go on the boat again. He must believe there was a reason to make such a promise. And he was figuring out every little thing that would make me comfortable, so I’d never need to be anywhere else. I didn’t want to go somewhere else, that was certain, but there are some things that just can’t be helped. What was I going to do?

“Hmm,” he said. His head was turned towards the song in the distance. “Do you want to dance?”

The song was good for a slow dance. I thought I could do that. No one could see us here if I managed to be less graceful than I hoped to be. I nodded my head and smiled, pushing the inevitable out of my mind again. I was already in his arms, so he simply dropped his right hand to my waist and lifted the other to hold my hand up. My one hand rested in his, the other set itself upon his chest. We swayed to the sounds in the distance. Every once in a while he would switch directions, and I followed in matched time, our feet pushing the blanket in strange ways on the sand.

“You follow really well. Most girls try to lead. I’ve never had such an easy time dancing,” he whispered in my ear. He got quiet.

His breath kept falling into the hair beside my neck. Every once in a while he seemed to take a deeper breath, like he was trying to smell me without me noticing. It was probably a big disappointment; he could smell the Ocean anytime he wanted. His rough hand held mine tenderly. I felt so small by him. He moved his head up; his nose rested to the side of my forehead.

“Earlier tonight, when we you were telling me that story with your hands…”

I grinned, and my cheek spread into his chin. Using the paper was easy enough and got us through most of the evening. But at one point he had insisted I try to tell him something using only hand gestures to see if he could keep up. I told him about discovering Miaka without him having any clue what the big motions of my hands meant. Every once in a while he would interject with a silly comment like “I love jelly, too.” I finished with a flourish, to which he said “jazz hands.” I didn’t know what it meant, but it made me smile all the same.

“I just want you to know, that’s the best conversation I’ve ever had,” he whispered. “You probably feel like you don’t communicate much, but I think you say a lot. Your eyes, your posture. There’s a world of words around you, Kahlen. And you may not be able to express it all as easily as you’d like, but I can tell that you understand things. And not just the surface of things… if that makes sense.”

I pulled back to look at his face. He looked like he really meant what he was saying. The wind picked up a piece of my hair and blew it across my cheek. He took his hand off my waist and used his fingers to brush it back into place. Instead of dropping his hand, it disappeared into my hair. He looked into my eyes, and it seemed like several thoughts were running behind his. He stared. His breathing picked up.

But everything else seemed to slow down. I could make out the sounds of lapping waters hitting the sand and rocks. I saw how the moon was slightly smaller than last night, but still full enough to light our faces now that our eyes had adjusted to the dark. I could smell Akinli’s detergent mixed with the smell of the Sea and something sweet being baked in one of the houses nearby. I could taste the thickness of the air around me, full of the heat of summer. I felt Akinli’s hand massaging the back of my neck, my hair moving with his fingers.

My body felt strange, new. Similar to the moment I became a siren, when I knew I should be feeling pain but was completely numb. That lack of sensation had now settled into normalcy for me; it was comfortable. But this was different, better than comfort. This was more than being happy or good. It was stronger. This was conflict and peace. I felt completely satisfied, but burned with a mysterious need. It was almost painful and impossible to name. The unknown urge burned slowly across my skin. My eyes became heavy. My lips parted.

Akinli’s face changed, too. Almost like yesterday, but deeper, hungrier. He must know what I was feeling. I ached to know what this was. I was dying to ask him.

“Kahlen,” he whispered, “I know you can’t really say no to this. If you want to, you can slap me afterwards.”

He bent in, slowly bridging the space between us, and kissed me. The burning wavered, but only slightly in the distraction of my worries. I prayed I could just be quiet. If I could just not make a sound, I’d be eternally grateful. My first kiss was finally happening, and I was too afraid to really enjoy it. I knew my body was tense, and I worried he was going to misread that as rejection. But I didn’t want to reject him at all! I
liked
it. I wanted more of it. It helped that painful, joyful burn, and made it worse in one action.

His lips were warm and soft. He was so strong, but he handled me with care. It wasn’t an intrusive kiss. It was slow, purposeful. After a moment, he pulled back, and looked into my face. His expression was wary, like he was wondering if he’d broken a law. The song changed again.

I had survived. I didn’t make a sound. Akinli was safe, I had been kissed, and She had no idea. This knowledge filled me suddenly, and I felt my heart start to race. The fire raged on, not even remotely quenched. I bit my lip. My chest heaved. He saw my excitement and kissed me again.

Akinli’s hand was already in my hair, and I reached up tangling both of my hands in his. His hair was soft in the back. I thought of the time I’d managed to get a wild rabbit close enough to let me pet it. I had to stretch up on tiptoe to reach his lips. Akinli put his arm around my waist to pull me into him. With my weight on his body it was easier, so we didn’t break apart.

That kiss led into another. His lips, using the tiniest force to guide me, opened mine, and I could taste his breath inside me. He made the smallest moan. I felt a little earthquake travel up my body at the sound. Moved by that shiver, I pushed myself into him. The kisses got harder, deeper. His tongue found his way into my mouth and mine into his. I couldn’t summon the rationale to be a lady.

No, all I wanted was to be less and less ladylike. The desire made my knees buckle, and I slipped away from him for a second. But his arms were around me, and pulled me back to him. In the second we were apart, I was startled into opening my eyes. I looked into his and felt absolutely weak.

The momentary pause didn’t slow him. He was kissing me again before I could catch my unnecessary breath. My legs refused to work. He let his bend, too, and we made our way down to the blanket. Akinli cradled me down, shifting so that he was mostly over me and kissed me on and on. His lips left mine and traveled up and down my throat. I heard myself breathing wildly but couldn’t stop it.
No sound
, I willed,
no sound
. He moved his mouth gently along my jaw line, kissing me behind my ear. I felt my hands dig into his back. He seemed to like that. He moved, and his hand fell off the blanket into the wet sand. When his hand came back to me, I felt the grit on the dress. Sorry, Julie. He kept making those delicious sounds, and I wished I could, too. I hoped my silence wasn’t hiding how much I absolutely
wanted
him.

For years, even just this morning, I had thought absolutely nothing could cripple this impenetrable body. Here it was.

A part of me was nervous that Akinli’s hands would go somewhere that would make me uncomfortable, but they stayed either on my back or in my hair. I loved both. Yes, he was being much too forward, but he was a complete gentleman at the same time. I pulled him closer to me. My fingers made a mess of his hair and tugged at his shirt. I just wanted more. I had no idea that this was in me all along.

I thought of the decades when I dreamed of being kissed. All of my faceless daydreams were little more than filling time. Simply being kissed would not have satisfied me. Only this man— this man that I adored with all that I was— would ever do. I didn’t ever want to be kissed by another person. I wanted, needed only Akinli.

If the song changed again, I missed it. My leg— without me meaning to do it— hooked itself around him, locking him to me. Akinli responded by somehow managing to hold me even tighter. He ground his body against mine one slow time. Another earthquake. He smelled like water and grass and air. He smelled like living. He tasted unimaginably delicious. Better than cake. And I drank it all in there, with the Ocean within yards of us and completely unaware. I would probably have to pay for this later. If She didn’t punish me, I would. I’d be haunted by the longing. I couldn’t possibly keep him.

But… maybe. Maybe I could.

I laid there— half beneath Akinli— and thought,
I’ve done so much in this life. Surely there’s a way to make this work
.

His lips moved again from my mouth to my jaw line and crept up to my ear, kissing my excited skin the whole way.

“Kahlen? Stay with me? Don’t leave. If someone comes for you, then fine. I’ll deal with that if I have to. But otherwise, I want you to stay here. Would you stay? ”

I pulled back to look at his face. He looked worried. Maybe afraid he’d said too much.

I want to stay with you forever,
I thought.
I love you. I love no one like I love you. I’d give you anything you wanted.

It passed through my head, and I knew it was true. Just like that, all of my armor was gone. Every defense I’d ever had fell to pieces. I was Akinli’s, and I couldn’t do anything to fight it. I thought about the people who had left him— his parents and that girl. I couldn’t do that to him. I wouldn’t. Whatever he wanted from me, he was going to have.

I nodded my head.

His mouth was on mine again, moving slower now. And I kissed him back. I kissed him until it ached.

 
CHAPTER
10

I was surprised to find Akinli was right— no one took our shoes. We walked back to them in silence, the girls playing music giving up long before we did. He kissed me once more before starting the engine of his beloved Bessie. I gripped him tight as we rode back to the house. I felt alive in the small breeze his bike kicked up and tried to commit all of these feelings to memory.