The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya (5 page)

Unfortunately, it felt as though last spring, I had accidentally gotten on a ship with the word
Titanic
written across its side. I wanted to send out an SOS at one point, but I regret to say that I don’t know Morse code. First of all, I don’t have the temperament to just generously be anyone’s servant.

“Come on, let’s go to the next store!”

Haruhi walked off energetically, arms swinging, amid the crowd of shoppers. I exchanged a look with Asahina before running after Haruhi as she faded into the distance at a pace you’d expect from someone participating in a speed-walking race.

The next place Haruhi visited was a model shop.

Asahina and I were left outside again as Haruhi engaged in negotiations. I was beginning to understand. When Haruhi pointed at us through the glass, she was actually pointing to Asahina. Like she meant for Asahina to perform some kind of action to serve as payment through services. Asahina, completely oblivious to that fact, was curiously staring at the diorama in the display case. Should I tell her?

After a few minutes of waiting, Haruhi once again emerged from the store carrying a bulky box.

“What is it this time?”

“A weapon,” Haruhi replied as she pressed the box on me. Upon a closer look, I saw that the box contained something like a plastic model. And it appeared to be a pistol-type firearm. What was she going to do with this?

“We’ll use it in the action scenes. Some gun action. A flashy gunfight is one of the basics of entertainment. I’d like to blow up a few buildings while we’re at it. Do you happen to know where they sell dynamite? I wonder if the general store sells it.”

How would I know? I can at least tell you that you’re not going to find any in convenience stores or on the Internet. You might find some lying around if you go to a quarry…

… was the next thing I was about to say, but I swallowed those words. Think about who this is. I wouldn’t put it past her to go off in the dead of night to steal fuses and TNT gun-powder.

I set the boxes containing the video camera and model gun on the ground and turned to Haruhi. “So? What do we do with all this stuff?”

“Take them home with you for now. Then bring them to the club room tomorrow. It’d be a pain to go back to school at this point.”

“Me?”

“You.”

Haruhi crossed her arms with a cheery look on her face. A sight rarely seen in the classroom. Her SOS Brigade–only smile. Whenever Haruhi smiled like this, I ended up having to run around cleaning up after each disaster. Was I the opposite of the straw millionaire?

“Um.”

Asahina was timidly raising her hand.

“What should I do…?”

“You’re fine, Mikuru. You can go home now. We’re done for the day.”

Asahina blinked her eyes rapidly like a raccoon cub bewitched by a fox spirit, since the only thing she’d done all day was nervously follow Haruhi around with me. She had no idea why Haruhi forced her to come along.

Haruhi looked like she still had enough energy left to do a second round of cardio exercises as she led us to the nearest station. Apparently that took care of the day’s Haruhi-related activities. Either her negotiating skills or underhanded talents had yielded a video camera and a small gun. No expense charged. In other words, they were free.

People used to say that there was nothing more frightening than getting something for free. The problem was, Haruhi wasn’t the least bit scared. Actually, if something out there is capable of scaring her, please get in touch with me.

The next day, I found myself lugging excess baggage in addition to my book bag up the hill.

“Yo, Kyon. Whatcha carrying there? A present for some good little children?”

That was Taniguchi, running up next to me. A simple-minded, single-celled idiot. An unmistakably ordinary student you could find anywhere. “Ordinary.” What a wonderful word. It means so much to me in my current situation. It has the ring of reality to it.

I hesitated for a moment before passing the lighter of the two plastic bags on to Taniguchi.

“What is this? A model gun? I didn’t know you had such a dark hobby.”

“Not mine. Haruhi’s.”

And I suppose I should have followed up by saying,
You shouldn’t be so quick to label it as a dark hobby.

“I really can’t picture Suzumiya disassembling and cleaning a Glock by herself.”

Neither can I. Which means somebody else is going to be disassembling and reassembling this thing. I should mention that when I was a kid, I once attempted to put together a certain mobile suit, which ended with me giving up when I couldn’t attach the right shoulder joint.

“Must be rough for you.”

Taniguchi didn’t sound the least bit like he thought it was rough for me.

“We could search through all ages and places and the only person willing to babysit Suzumiya would be you. I guarantee it. So hook up with her already.”

What the hell is he saying? “I have no intention of attaching myself to Haruhi in any feasible way. The one I would want to attach myself to would be Asahina.” As would anyone else if given the choice.

Taniguchi cackled like a demon.

“Yeah, that won’t do. She’s the angel of North High. A resting spot for the hearts of the male students. Unless you want half the school to stuff you into a bag, don’t do anything funny. You wouldn’t want me to lose my head and stab you in the back, right?”

“Then I’ll go with my next choice, Nagato.”

“That’s also out of the question. She has more secret admirers than you might expect. Why’d she stop wearing glasses? Did she switch to contacts?”

“Beats me. Ask her yourself.”

“From what I’ve heard, she ignores anyone who tries to talk to her. Apparently, Nagato’s class believes that if she says a single word that day, something good or bad will definitely happen.”

“Don’t talk about Nagato like she’s a bamboo flower. That kind of fortune-telling died out long ago. And while it’s true that she isn’t quite normal, she still has some normal qualities—well, I guess not.”

“In other words, you and Suzumiya are made for each other. You’re the only one capable of talking with her, and it’s best to minimize the number of her potential victims. So take care of it. That reminds me. The cultural festival’s coming up. What will your club be doing this time?”

“Stop asking me.”

I’m not the SOS Brigade public relations guy.

But Taniguchi calmly continued. “If I ask Suzumiya, she’ll just feed me some random nonsense. And there’s the fear that if I ask at the wrong time, she’ll snap. If I ask Yuki Nagato, she won’t give me an answer. And Mikuru Asahina is too hard to approach. Talking to that other guy pisses me off for some reason. So I’m asking you.”

The bastard uses some twisted logic. “You’re making it sound like I’m some kind of nice guy.”

“You’re not? As far as I’m concerned, you’re the kind of nice guy who’d be willing to walk off a cliff with Asahina.”

The front gate was within sight. I took the plastic bag back from Taniguchi with a discouraged look on my face.

I didn’t know where Haruhi’s trail was going to lead us, but I was definitely thinking that I shouldn’t expect anything good. Haruhi and I weren’t the only ones walking this path. At least three others I knew of were in for the ride. And while two of those were able to take care of themselves, Asahina wasn’t safe on her own. She was so hopeless at predicting what was about to happen to her that you would never think she was a time traveler. Well, I guess that works out.

“Which is why,” I said, “somebody has to protect her.” Yeah. I’m sounding like a main character now. Except the only thing I’m protecting her from would be Haruhi’s evil sexual harassment.

On a roll, I continued. “Since I have this chance, I’m going to protect her. I don’t care what all the guys in the school have to say. They can go form their own guardian angels group if they want.”

Taniguchi once again cackled like one of those wailing-old-man demons. “Don’t overdo it. There’s at least one new moon every month.”

After delivering what sounded like a notice from a phantom killer, he ducked into the front gate.

As I walked through the hallway in front of our classroom with my burden, I came across Haruhi putting her things into her locker.

I followed suit, stuffing the boxes containing the electronics and the plastic model into the steel locker with my seat number.

“Kyon, we’re going to be busy.” Without even saying good morning, Haruhi slammed her locker shut and turned to me with a smile like Indian summer.

“Same goes for Mikuru, Yuki, and Koizumi. I won’t allow any complaining. The movie script is already bubbling in my mind. It’s almost ready to burst. All that remains is to put it into action.”

“I see,” I answered halfheartedly as I entered the classroom.

My desk was second from the back of the room. We’d changed seating arrangements multiple times since the beginning of the first semester, but I had yet to get a seat in the last row. Because Haruhi always ended up sitting behind me. It had gotten to the point where it had become a bit too unnatural to shrug off, but I still believed it to be coincidence. If I don’t have faith in coincidence, coincidence is going to lose confidence in itself.

I’m actually a pretty considerate person. Guess anybody hanging around with Haruhi would have to be. Like a defensive midfielder in a soccer match who has to run down loose balls. Since Haruhi would be the super-offensive-minded forward who’s way offside the second someone touches the ball. She might even be standing behind the opposing keeper. Passing the ball to her would just result in the referee raising his flag, but since this is Haruhi, she’d just say it was a mistaken call. In fact, she would say with a straight face that the rule itself makes no sense. She might even start arguing that picking up the ball and running into the goal should count as a goal. The suggestion that she take up rugby would go ignored.

The best way to deal with an audacious person on a rampage would be to casually leave the scene like you never heard a thing or give up and do as she says. The other people in our school year were already doing so.

Which was why when Haruhi disappeared from the classroom when sixth period ended and the final homeroom period began, neither homeroom teacher Okabe nor anybody else said a word about the fact that the seat behind me was empty. Did they not notice? Or were they just pretending not to notice? Not like they could do anything about it. Well, everyone knew it was best to just leave her alone.

I headed for the clubhouse with a bad feeling in my gut before coming to a halt in front of the club room, carrying the bags loaded with assorted boxes.

I could hear something. Asahina’s helpless voice crying out. Haruhi’s obnoxious voice shouting. She was doing it again.

If I’d opened the door just then, I probably would’ve witnessed a very fine sight. Being a man with common sense, though, I stoically resisted my fantasies and waited patiently.

After five minutes, the weak struggle inside came to a finish. I was sure Haruhi was standing with her hands on her hips and a triumphant look on her face. Based on the reasoning that a rabbit cannot win against an anaconda, I couldn’t see Asahina ever winning.

I knocked.

“Come in!”

A boisterous response from Haruhi. As I wondered about the contents of the paper bags I’d seen that morning, I opened the door and entered the room. The first thing I saw was, in fact, Haruhi’s triumphant face. However, I was pretty sick of that sight. With fervent ardor, I turned my attention to the person seated in the metal chair in front of Haruhi.

A waitress sat there looking at me with teary eyes.

“…”

The waitress, hair disheveled, was doing an impression of Nagato being silent. Her head was drooped. Her full chestnut hair had been tied by Haruhi into two pigtails dangling behind her head. Oddly enough, Nagato was nowhere to be seen.

“Well?” Haruhi asked me with a self-satisfied smirk. Why do you look like you had something to do with this? Asahina’s adorableness is her own…. Then again.

Y’know? I think it looks nice. How does Asahina feel about it? Not that I have any objections…. But isn’t the skirt a tad too short?

Asahina was as perfect a waitress as one hundred percent fruit juice is pure. Her clenched fists rested on her knees.

You look so peculiarly perfect, like you’re dressed in tailor-made clothes. Which was why I spent a good thirty seconds staring in silence at Asahina before jumping when I was tapped on the shoulder.

“Why, hello. I’m terribly sorry about yesterday. We were supposed to do a run-through of the script today, but I had them wrap things up early. I’m finding myself endlessly running around in circles.”

Koizumi’s handsome, cheery face peered over my shoulder into the club room.

“Oh?” He smiled merrily. “What do we have here?”

Koizumi passed next to me and set his book bag on the table before sitting in one of the metal chairs. “It looks quite splendid on you, Asahina.”

“We all know that already. What we don’t know is why a waitress is in this dirty little room that is neither a café nor a family restaurant.”