The Shiksa Syndrome: A Novel (24 page)

“Y’hi ratzon milfanecha . . .”
May it be Thy will, Lord our God, to lead us in safety . . . bring us to our destination in life . . . deliver us from every lurking enemy and danger on the road . . .

I almost close my eyes as I speed up enough to merge onto the 101. I stay to the right. At forty-five miles per hour I feel like I’m practically speeding, but everyone’s out for my blood. Cars zoom by, honking their horns, one coming so close as to almost hit me, to give me a good
what for.
So this is the Los Angeles Freeway. God help me. Only I know that he is.

My drive exposes me to a less glittery Tinseltown; people hold
WILL WORK FOR FOOD
signs at the exit ramp. I read others to Universal City, driving past on a street called Cahuenga—please don’t ask me to pronounce it. But my quaking during the car ride escalates off the Richter scale when I make the right on Magnolia. Searching the four-digit house numbers, curiously painted onto the street, I drive slowly until I arrive at an apartment complex I know is his.

For no sooner do I pull up than Peter, in a white two-door Toyota Corolla—I know that because I read it in his postcard—pulls out of the driveway. Overcome with emotions ranging from absolute victory to very acute fear, I hit the accelerator and the car lurches. I jam on the brakes so fast, we almost collide. Baxter barks when Peter, stupefied as I’ve ever seen him, slams out of his car. Putting his hand through the open window, he reaches inside, unlocks my door, and pulls me out of mine.

“As I live and breathe. Aimee Albert. In L.A. Driving!”

“I drove to you!” I say. “I’m here.”

S
ealed with a
KISS

E
VERYTHING WENT FINE
without me. Or let’s put it this way. If a crisis came up, they handled it fine without me. Most media showed and two canceled, but the best is yet to come. Patrick Dempsey’s cameo coincided with the arrival of
Access Hollywood,
bringing KISS a major coup.

Couples upon couples line up to kiss, while Kim gets ready to judge. Along with Gina and Tara she waves, as Peter, Baxter, and I walk by.

“Impressive,” says Peter, holding my hand as I show him around. But if you ask me, impressive belongs to him.

Almost done taping, Peter’s show has a very uncertain future. So Peter made plans of his own. Signed to an agent, he’s being tried out for several jobs. His best bet, a staff writer on
Letterman.
I caught him heading back east for a meeting. Because it’s not scheduled until next week, he will now wait to fly home with me.

“I was more than nervous about your
new horizons
,” I confess, walking with Peter and Baxter on this New York set that feels more like home than home.

“It was part work, but more about you,” says Peter. “I knew from your letters things would be different. You were ready for me, and I got ready for you.”

Peter’s hair has golden streaks from the sun. He’s in wonderful shape. Clearly happy, he carries himself with a humble pride that’s most appealing. Coming into his own makes him feel proud. And I am proud of him.

The clothesline of photocopied kisses extends to the end of the street. We’ll have time alone later, and I need to get back and work the event. But Baxter pulls himself away from Peter and runs off. Woofing and howling like he saw an old friend. Chasing him, we turn a corner and discover that he has. Still on the set, we are now on a block that looks so much like Peter’s in Hell’s Kitchen, I practically smell the aroma from the pizza place over on Ninth.

“Oh . . . will you look at this,” I say, seeing a walk-up I’d swear was Peter’s. “Let’s check out 4G,” I tease, and climb the stoop as Baxter leads the way.

“I won’t miss leaving this behind,” says Peter, already spending his hoped-to-be-earned income on a new apartment. Once at the top, we open the door, but all that’s behind it is a platform.

“Of course. It’s a set. It’s just pretend,” Peter says, and rests his hands on my shoulders. “I don’t want to pretend anymore.”

“Don’t look at me, ’cause I’m through,” and am I ever. “But I’d do it again in a heartbeat if I knew it would bring me here.” I look up at Peter. I must tell him, and it must be now. “It won’t happen again. I won’t ask you to give up what’s meaningful to you, P. I don’t know yet how, but we’ll find the way. A way that—”

“Ssshhhh.” He gently puts his hand over my mouth. He combs his fingers through my scalp and, by gathering up my hair, pulls me toward him and holds me close. He leans over and whispers in my ear, “I love you, Aimee.”

“Peter.” Oh, thank God. “I love you, too. So very much.”

“And . . . because I do . . . and because there was . . . a lot to sort out”—he raises his eyebrows—“I did something. I took a class. Intro to Judaism. I was the only
shagetz
in a room full of shiksas willing to convert.”

“Waiting first for you, so they’d at least be doing it for a Jewish guy.”

We laugh.

“But . . . well, you know that’s a very big step,” I say. “And please don’t feel like you have to convert.” I look at the steps this man is taking. And not just for me but him. He has stepped up and grown in ways I could not have imagined. And now, that he is so willing, I want him to be sure he only does what feels right for himself. “Because I can bend, too,” I say, knowing I mean it. “I can.”

Peter smiles. “I appreciate that. And we’ll see; one step at a time. But it’s funny. It’s a pretty Jewish industry out here, and another writer and I went to the class on a lark, for a sketch. Then I got hooked; the teachings are amazing. In Judaism there’s always a reason, an explanation. And if you don’t like that one, there’s another.”

On the one hand . . . on the other hand . . . and on the
other
hand . . .

“It’s all about family. Food.” He winks. “But I get what you love about it, and I love you. I want that, all of that, with you. So we move in that direction. Yes?”

“YES.”

I look at Peter and see our future. Though I arrived at this place via pretend, it’s more real than anything I’ve known. We tell our truths on a make-believe Hollywood set; Peter and I end this act as a new one now begins.

It is the magic hour when the soft light glows just right. It is the perfect light. My lips melt into Peter’s. On this empty platform behind a New York City door, his lips melt into mine. Near palm trees beneath mountains, illuminated under the California sky.

Suddenly, Peter picks me up. Opening the door, he carries me across its threshold. We kiss. We are in Hollywood and can walk off into the sunset. But since I have the rental car, we drive.

G
lossary

“
Adon Olam
.” Hymn sung at the close of the Sabbath and festival morning services.

afikoman
. A piece of matzo that’s hidden at the start of the seder and later eaten as dessert. Whichever child finds it is generally rewarded with money.

Aleinu
. The closing prayer on Sabbath services.

aliyah
. An honor; literally an ascension.

Amidah
. Means “standing”; it is the central prayer of the Jewish liturgy.

appetizing
. Refers to “the foods one eats with bagels,” such as smoked salmon and whitefish.

Ashkenazi Jews
. Coming from eastern European communities, this group, which makes up most of the Jewish population, speaks Yiddish and has a distinct culture and liturgy.

baleboosteh
. A terrific housekeeper, mistress of the house.

bar mitzvah
. An initiation ceremony that takes place when a Jewish boy turns thirteen that proclaims him an adult, responsible for his moral and religious duties; also an important social event.

bashert
. Meant to be.

bat mitzvah
. The same ceremony as the bar mitzvah, but for a girl.

beracha
. A blessing or prayer.

bimah
. The elevated area or platform in a synagogue intended to serve as the place where people read aloud from the Torah.

bisel
. Little.

blintze
. A crepelike pancake that is folded around a filling of potato, cheese, or preserves.

borscht
. A cold soup made of sliced beets.

bris
. Circumcision performed on a male Jewish baby at the age of eight days. A baby naming is the ceremony for a girl.

challah
. A rich bread made with many eggs, eaten on the Sabbath and on all Jewish holidays except Passover.

chub
. A small whitefish.

chutzpah
. Nerve, audacity.

cvell
. To gush with pride.

daven
. To recite the prayers in a Jewish liturgy.

dreidel
. A four-sided spinning top with a different Hebrew letter on each side, used to play the Hanukkah gambling game.

“
Ein Keloheinu
.” A hymn proclaiming God’s uniqueness.

erev
. Evening.

farkakte
. Derogatory adjective to describe something that’s worthless or useless.

fermished
. Mixed up.

gefilte fish
. A ground fish mixed with crumbs, eggs, and seasonings, cooked in an oval-shaped ball, and served chilled in its own jellied stock.

gentile
. Not Jewish.

goy
. Yiddish word for someone who is not Jewish.

goyishe
. Of things not Jewish.

Hadassah
. The Women’s Zionist Organization. haftarah. A selection from the Prophets that a bar (bat) mitzvah reads in synagogue on the Sabbath.

Haggadah
. Means “the telling”; this book contains the story of the Exodus, which is read at the Passover seder.

halevai
. If only. hamentaschen. Traditional treat for Purim, the three-cornered pastry is filled with poppy seed or other sweet preserve fillings.

Hanukkah
. An eight-day Jewish festival, held annually in December, commemorating the rededication of the temple at Jerusalem in 165 BC.

Hillel
. The largest Jewish campus organization, providing opportunities for Jewish students to explore and celebrate their Jewish identity.

hora
. A festive circle dance, a “must” at Jewish weddings and bar and bat mitzvahs.

JAP
. Jewish American Princess; implies a Jewish woman who’s materialistic, selfish, and spoiled.

Kaddish
. A Hebrew prayer said in remembrance of the dead.

kaynahorah
. The evil eye.

ketubah
. The Jewish marriage contract.

kiddish
. A celebratory meal after synagogue services.

kiddush
. A blessing recited over wine.

kiddush cup
. Goblet used to say the blessing over wine.

klezmer
. A type of music from Ashkenazi Jews.

knaidlach
. Jewish word for matzo balls.

kosher
. Dietary laws that indicate what foods an observant Jew can and cannot eat, and how those foods must be prepared and eaten.

kugel
. A noodle pudding.

latkes
. Made of grated potatoes and fried in oil, these potato pancakes are a traditional food served during Hanukkah.

L’chayim
. To life. Often said as a toast.

Lox
. Salmon, known for being eaten on a bagel with cream cheese.

Manischewitz
. A leading brand of kosher products that is well-known for a wine that is very sweet.

matzo
. A brittle, flat piece of unleavened bread, eaten especially during Passover.

matzo ball
. A small fluffy dumpling made of crushed matzo and served in soup.

megillah
. The Purim story.

menorah
. A nine-branched candelabra used for Hanukkah, with one branch for each of the eight days, plus one central light used to light the others.

mensch
. A good man of honor and integrity.

mezuzah
. A small case of wood, plastic, or metal that contains a piece of parchment with important words from the Jewish Torah and that is attached to the doorpost of a Jewish home.

mikvah
. A ritual bath for women used for attaining purity. Immersion is used in connection with conversion.

minyan
. Quorum of ten or more adult (bar mitzvahed) male Jews that form a congregation for public worship. Reform Judaism includes women who’ve been bat mitzvahed.

mishegas
. Craziness.

mishpacha
. Family.

mitzvah
. Any act of human kindness.

Musaf
. The additional service added on the Sabbath.

nosh
. A nibble, a snack food.

nova
. A mild, unsalty, cold salmon that is served sliced.

oy
. A sigh of woe.

oy gevalt
. An interjection of grief or woe.

oy vey
. An interim sigh of woe. Oh, no!

Oy vey iz mir
. Woe is me.

oy yai yai
. Oh, no no!

Passover
. A Jewish holiday that commemorates the Exodus, the liberation of the Israelites from Egyptian slavery.

Pesach
. Hebrew word for Passover.

pierogi
. A dumpling stuffed with cheese or potato, shaped like a half moon, and cooked boiled or fried.

Purim
. A fun holiday that commemorates when the Jewish people living in Persia were saved from extermination.

rabbi
. A person trained in Jewish law and ordained to lead a congregation.

rebbetzin
. Wife of a rabbi.

Rosh Hashanah
. Jewish New Year.

rugelach
. A cookie of cream cheese dough spread with filling, such as jam, nuts, or chocolate, and then rolled up.

schlep
. To carry.

seder
. Means “order”; refers to a Jewish feast and service, held on the first (and second) night of Passover, that commemorates the Exodus through a structured order of symbols, stories, and prayer.

Shabbat
. The Sabbath.

shagetz
. A non-Jewish man.

Shema
. A centerpiece of all morning and evening Jewish prayer services, it is considered the most important prayer in Judaism.

shidduch
. A romantic match.

shiksa
. A non-Jewish woman.

shivah
. Judaism’s weeklong period of grief and mourning.

shul
. Yiddish word for synagogue.

siddur
. A Jewish prayer book.

Torah
. The holy book of written Jewish laws.

traif
. Not kosher.

tsuris
. Yiddish word for trouble or aggravation.

tzimmes
. A Jewish casserole of sweet potatoes, carrots, honey, and prunes that is cooked slowly over very low heat.

Unkosher
. Not kosher.

whitefish
. A flaky freshwater fish served whole, so the head and eyes are visible.

yarmulke
. A skullcap worn by Jewish males during prayer and religious study.

yenta
. A gossip; a woman who can’t keep a secret.

Yiddish
. A dialect of High German including some Hebrew and other words.

Yiddishkeit
. Means “Jewishness”; suggests more emotional attachment and identification with the Jewish people than a religiously observant lifestyle.

Yom Kippur
. Day of Atonement. This high holiday is observed by fasting and prayer for the atonement of sins.

zetz
. A smack or a punch.