The She-Hulk Diaries (17 page)

“
Krav Maga
. I train in the martial arts,” I said, but he seemed to think that was funny, because his lips went up on one side, and I got so nervous remembering those lips that I said, “I would be happy to give you a demonstration of my favorite moves.”

That’s when he burst out laughing, loud enough to get Amber Hammerhead and the older woman’s attention.

I tried to exert mind control, hoping that I’d suddenly developed it, so that Amber wouldn’t come over, but she and the attractive older woman joined us.

The older woman said, “Ellis, won’t you introduce me to your friend?”

“Mom, this is Jennifer Walters, who just joined the firm. Jennifer, this is my mother, Rosie Quintal.”

Her expression changed a little and she said, “I thought I recognized you. I followed your case when you were representing Tony Stark—and dating him, too, I believe.”

Ellis looked startled, but Amber didn’t.

Now, I always advise my clients, “When someone introduces an unexpected element in a transaction, resist the urge to ignore or excuse it. Instead, immediately acknowledge it and position it to your advantage.”

So I said, “Yes, I’ve been fortunate to know Tony both personally and professionally, having both sued him and won cases for him. Being around him is always intellectually invigorating.”

“Yes, I bet it is
stimulating
,” the blond hammerhead smeered.

Rosie Quintal said, “Inventors are so quixotic.”

“Most, but Tony isn’t tilting at windmills, since he’s capable of achieving seemingly impossible goals. Because he’s a genius.” I saw Ellis’s eyebrows go up, so I added, “And gorgeous, and a superhero,” thereby establishing my value in that elevated realm. Not that I had to prove anything to any science teacher besides my cousin.

Rosie said, “Be sure to bring Mr. Stark to our next party! Where’s your date tonight, dear?”

“She’s with Fritz,” Ellis said.

“No, I’m on my own. I find that work parties can be a little dull for those outside the field.”

Rosie smiled slyly and said, “I refuse to respond to your comment on the grounds that, et cetera. If you’ll excuse me, I must circulate. Delighted to finally meet you…” and here is where I needed a court stenographer because I could have sworn there was a very deliberate pause before she said, “Jen.”

Amber stiffened and Ellis looked away, and I
erh
ed or
um
ed before I managed to say, “A pleasure meeting you.”

Rosie hooked her arm through the hammerhead’s and said, “Amber, do help me navigate the shoals.”

I thought a siren would know a lot about navigating shoals. Amber didn’t want to leave us, but she couldn’t say no to her fiancé’s mother.

I said to Ellis, “Amber’s voice is very beautiful.”

“She likes to be the best at anything she does.”

“Well, er, your mother seems very nice.”

“She is very nice,” Ellis said. “I still can’t get over seeing you again after all this time. I thought you’d vanished off the planet.”

He was
so
bogus, and I returned the bogusity. “Ellis, it’s nice seeing you, too. Now that I’m working with Amber, I imagine we’ll encounter each other occasionally, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention our previous association to anyone since I’m sure it would be detrimental to both of our public images.”

“Your secrets are safe with me. Those secrets that I know.” He had a sort of wild expression in his eyes, the same look he’d had when he threw out that flash paper at the concert.

“I don’t have any secrets, Ellis, but I do respect private lives.”

“Whatever you say, Gin. Jen. Jennifer.”

I always tell my clients, “If you feel that you are losing control of a negotiation, don’t hesitate to ask for a recess.”

So I said, “Very nice seeing you again.” I stepped away and walked right into a waiter, bumping him backward into one of the assistants, who stumbled into a woman in a pink dress. The woman’s plate of prawns in ginger sauce flew up into the face of a guy in a pin-striped suit, who closed his eyes and walked smack into a bistro table with a soaring pyramid of puff pastries drizzled with caramel, which teetered precipitously before collapsing over and onto a partner.

The
bad
thing was that the domino effect continued in the crowded room: glasses crashed, plates clattered, expensive silks and cashmeres were ruined.

The
good
thing was that nothing splattered on me. When a chafing dish caught fire, I took it as a sign to leave. I glanced back into the mayhem of the conference room and saw Ellis leaning against a wall and laughing.

The day isn’t even over and I’ve already accumulated
lots
of points, which I will add up when I figure out how to get the spreadsheet program to
work. My cogitating is being hampered by fixating on Ellis. What was he getting at? Was he getting at anything? He’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside a hunky good-smelling but engaged enigma.

Thinking about him rattles my brain, which usually operates with the interplanetary precision of an Omega Galaxymaster. I made that observation to Dahlia after scoring perfect LSATs, and she said, “Yeah, you are a space cadet for sure.” Anyway, I have occasionally advised my clients, “If you find yourself without any immediately pressing deadlines, take time off to relax. Not only will you feel better, but you’ll perform better when you return to your task.”

I went to the guest bedroom and opened the closet. Christian Siriano’s wickedly fabulous anthracite leather jumpsuit with jet-black feather trim was hanging in the closet.

I took off my pretty scarlet dress and transformed. My confusion over Ellis and the hammerhead melted away.

Shulky, usually so happy to be naked, couldn’t wait to pour herself into Siriano’s sinuous garment. She posed in front of the mirror and purred, “I look fierce!” and snapped her fingers before heading out to parties.

I am
not
looking at celebrity gossip about Shulky’s Valentine’s Day activities. It was a mistake to check on Twitter and see all the horrible Tweets about her with #superhasbeens.

I
am
looking at ads for apartments. I want to stay near enough to the Mansion to help out if they need Shulky or me, which limits my options. I called Ruth, told her about my apartment search, and said, “I’m going to miss the private elevator, and I really need a place that gives me easy sneaking-in-and-out access.”

She promised to check around and said, “It’s too bad that Shulky got you kicked out of the Mansion with all its amazing secret exits and entrances, but I’ll try to find a place convenient to hidden routes.”

“That would be great, Ruth. Thanks!”

I announced to Dahlia that I’m officially looking for a new place. We were at her pet-sit, a lavish condo whose owners had seemingly abandoned it to their horrible dog. Rodney was snorting and snuffling belly-up on a custom-made dog sofa. “D, why don’t they just get rid of that awful animal so they can return home?”

“Jen, when did you become so coldhearted? You haven’t told me
anything about your interlude with your former loverrr.” She made some disgusting kissing and sucking sounds as she dimmed the lights and opened the media armoire.

“He was inscrutable. I couldn’t comprehend anything he said. I think he was just messing with me,” I said. “Please mention to your clients that you have a friend who needs a new apartment. Two or three bedrooms because I need an office.”

“You have one. It’s at QUIRC. It sounds like Ellis was flirting with you.”

“Wrong. His mother and Amber were right there. Are you really going to make me watch
When Harry Met Sally
again?”

She said yes, because “Sally Hershberger’s subsequent cut for Meg Ryan revolutionized the shag. It literally dragged the shag from its dreadful 1970s prehistoric cave, where it was residing with the mullet, which should never again see the light of day, and the wedge, which is due for a comeback.”

“One, that’s not what ‘literally’ means,” I said. “Two, I have limited tolerance for Billy Crystal’s shameless mugging, and, three, okay, because Meg is supercute as Sally.”

We watched the movie yet again, and after a few glasses of wine, D wanted to give me an updated shag, but I said no and really meant it.

My days and nights have been utterly consumed by prep for my meeting with our ReplaceMax client. Every minute with Amber is an exercise in patience. She’s icy cool, very efficient, but too often I catch her watching me with a derisive lift to the corner of her mouth. Too bad being unjustifiably bitchy isn’t actionable.

The tension is getting to me, so much so that I’m debating Fritz’s offer. He’s attractive, a good sport, and very fit. I could burn off energy and distract myself
from things from worries
from obsessing over Ellis.

• Will provide a certificate of health
  
• Attractive heterosexual male
  
• Can multitask by consulting on cases
  
• Enjoys strenuous aerobic workout with positive outcome (check to see if that includes
  my
  positive outcome)
  
• Conveniently located and knows my work schedule
  
• We have already established affable communications, which should promote pleasant exchanges in the bedroom
  

• No romantic component
  
• May develop uncomfortable/unbalanced/awkward romantic component
  
• Could result in negative workplace gossip
  
• Might hinder a relationship with legitimate PFLOML
  
• May be terrible at sex or a gross kisser
  
• Not especially enthusiastic about purely physical sex with anyone, inc. Fritz
  

Last night I woke at three in the morning in a cold sweat from an anxiety dream about the Joocey Jooce warehouse. I was being attacked by giant angry gamma-powered fruit that overpowered me. There were evil dancing bananas that looked suspiciously like Shulky’s cartoons.

I didn’t tell that to Dahlia because she’d insist there was a Freudian element based on her single human sexuality psych class.

The dream was still bothering me in the evening. I got back from QUIRC too late to talk to Claude, and Joocey Jooce’s official corporate history is all crunchy goodness. There was no mention of trading electrical upgrades for a lease on a warehouse. In fact, according to the founder, operations had always been housed in New Jersey.

Claude was downstairs when I headed to work. I had to cut short his fascinating discussion of the (miserable, freezing) weather and say, “Have you thought about selling your property outright to Joocey Jooce? You don’t want to deal with any problems in the future, and you could invest the money or set up a trust fund for your family.”

He said, “The Joocey Jooce guy is a heck of a nice guy.”

“Claude, if he was nice he would have paid his rent in a timely manner. Do you know why he even needs your warehouse? I think all their manufacturing is done in Jersey.”

“I asked once and he told me he experimented with new flavors. It was a long time ago. He sent over more coupons. Take some.” Claude opened the reception desk drawer and took out handfuls of coupons for free drinks.

I put them in my bag so I could send them to Sergeant Patty and Ruth. “Not everyone is as kindhearted as you. Please think about selling the building or at least getting a lease in writing. If Joocey Jooce backs the lease, your income will be assured.”

Claude smiled and nodded, but I got the feeling he wasn’t going to push the issue.

In the cab to work, I noticed the long lines outside Joocey Jooce and called Dahlia.

First impressions count in business, and I set aside an hour to review my notes and organize my thoughts for my meeting with my first QUIRC client. Because I have to justify the meditation room, I went there and stretched out on the sofa. It was really very nice. Maybe I’ll bring flowers in there, or something that wouldn’t die from neglect.