The Shadow Of What Was Lost (11 page)

She didn’t resist, didn’t say
anything.

All she felt was numb.

***

Asha’s room was far from
luxurious, but it was certainly not the cramped stone cell that she had expected.

The walls were carved from the
same bleak stone as the hallway outside, but the floor was mostly covered by
two large, plain brown rugs. The bed in the corner was small but looked
comfortable enough. A desk and chair sat neatly against the far wall; a single
Essence-infused bulb hung from the wall, providing a low but steady light. A
smaller room to the side contained a basin and other amenities. In all – with
the exception of the lack of windows– it could have passed for an Elder’s
quarters in Caladel.

“Elder Eilinar has requested that
you stay here until you are asked for,” the Gifted who had accompanied her said
politely.

Asha just stared at him, not
responding. She knew she was being rude, that none of it was this man’s fault,
but she didn’t care any more. After a few moments of awkward silence, the
Gifted ducked his head and left, closing the door behind him.

The slight mechanical click of a
lock followed seconds later. So she
was
a prisoner, then. She’d had that
impression, but no-one had said anything specifically, and she was still too
dazed - too heartbroken - to ask.

A mirror hung on the wall, and
she grimaced as she caught a glimpse of herself in it. Jagged black lines
spread out like a spiderweb from her eyes, which themselves were sunken, as if
she had spent many days without sleep. Her skin, never conducive to tanning at
the best of times, was a sickly, pallid hue, as if the colour – the life – had
been leeched out of it.

She looked away. No point
dwelling on what could not be changed. Even being a Shadow seemed meaningless
now.

She moved over to inspect the
desk, surprised to find it well-stocked with paper and writing equipment. The
pencils here were not made for it, but she would be able to pass the time
sketching if she so chose, something she’d often enjoyed back at the school.
For some reason, the thought reassured her. At the very least, she would not
lose her mind to boredom in here.

There was a Decay Clock, too, the
Essence within it indicating late afternoon. She couldn’t replenish it once it
was depleted, of course; she’d need one of the Gifted to do that for her. But
if it was anything like Elder Olin’s Decay Clock back at the school….

Suddenly she couldn’t finish the
thought, the wall in her mind that had been holding her emotions in check
finally crumbling. Elder Olin was dead. They were
dead
. Gone, all of
them. She would never see them again.

She collapsed on the bed and wept
into the pillow. She screamed in pain, in anger, until her throat hurt. Still,
the ache in her chest was too great, had nowhere to go.

Sometime after, exhausted, she
slept.

She wasn’t sure how long had
passed before a soft knock came at the door. She sat up warily, fully awake,
hurriedly wiping her tear-streaked face as the door opened a second later.

She scowled as Ilseth Tenvar
walked in.

“What do you want?” she snapped.

The Elder held up his hands. “I
have come to apologise.”

Asha blinked. There was silence
for a few moments, then she gestured tiredly, her fury draining away to be
replaced by a despondent numbness. “Come in.”

Ilseth walked in, looking
awkward. He stood in the middle of the room for a few moments, staring at the
ground, then cleared his throat.

“I really am sorry,” he said
eventually, regret thick in his voice. “I know you don’t remember, but it was
madness, that morning. Everyone was terrified, shocked… not thinking straight.
I’m not trying to justify what I did,” he added, “ but at the time, I felt like
I had no choice.” He indicated his burned arm apologetically.

Asha said nothing for a time. A
part of her was furious beyond belief at the Elder, didn’t want to believe a
word he said. But then, she couldn’t imagine what her reaction would have been…
seeing Wirr, Davian….

“Why did you wait until we were
in front of the Council to tell me about….” A sudden spurt of emotion choked
her words, and she looked away.

Ilseth moved forward, laying his
hand on her shoulder. “It wasn’t an easy decision,” he said softly. “But if I
had told you on the road, what would you have done?”

Asha paused, considering. “I
would have wanted to go back,” she admitted.

Ilseth nodded. “I think you would
have
tried
to go back. Or... worse. The three of us by ourselves weren't
equipped to deal with that. And as you can imagine, the Council needed to hear
my report as soon as possible. We couldn't afford any delays.” He rubbed his
forehead. “What happened to you was not fair, Ashalia, and I don’t expect your
forgiveness. But - please, just know how sorry I am.”

Asha sighed. She was still angry,
still hurting, but sleep had dulled the pain and brought some clarity back to
her. She hated what Ilseth had done - but it was unfair to place the blame
entirely at his feet. Not given the circumstances.

“I… accept your apology,” she
said stiffly.

Ilseth gave her an appreciative smile.
“Thank-you.”

"And I want to help."
Asha crossed her arms. "You said that there was a reason I was left alive.
That I might be a... clue, in what's been happening. Anything I can
do...."

"Of course." Ilseth
nodded. "I'm sure the Council will be seeking your cooperation soon. Until
then, though, the smart course of action is to stay here in the Tol. Blend in,
keep your head down. The last thing we want is to draw attention."

Asha frowned. "There's
nothing I can do now? Straight away?"

Ilseth shook his head. "I
know it must be hard, but being patient is the best way you can contribute at
the moment. Don't worry, though. You'll get your opportunity."

Asha sighed. She didn't like the
answer - but for now at least, there didn't seem to be any alternative. "Elder
Eilinar said there were other schools that were attacked?" she asked
eventually.

Ilseth nodded. “Arris and Dasari.
The same as Caladel. But no survivors.”

Asha swallowed. The thought that
someone out there was strong enough to attack, to
obliterate
entire
schools was frightening, to say the least. “Do you know if it's Hunters? Or is
it someone else?”

“I have no idea. I wish I did,”
said the Elder, sincere regret in his tone. “We will find out who is
responsible, though, I promise you that much. And I'll make sure that if we
learn anything new, you are the first to know.”

"What about
Administration?" Asha frowned. "Shouldn't they be looking into it
too? Isn't their protection of the Gifted supposed to be part of the
Treaty?"

"Administration are... conducting
their own investigation." Ilseth made a face. "The Northwarden
himself is heading it up, and our relationship with him is even worse than
usual right now. They probably know more than we do - their resources are
considerable, and Administrators being killed concerns them greatly, even if
protecting the Gifted does not. But if they do find anything, they are not
likely to share it with us."

Asha bit her lip, suddenly hit by
a wave of sadness as she thought of Talean. For some reason, when she’d heard
about the attack, she had assumed the Administrator would have been spared.
"Surely if we offered to work with them, though... I mean, I would be
happy to talk to -"

"No." Ilseth shook his
head. "If Administration find out about you, they will assume the worst -
that you're a conspirator, allowed to live because you had some role in the
attack. You're not protected by the Tenets any more, Ashalia. If they get hold
of you, there will be nothing stopping them from trying to extract information
any way they see fit."

Asha paled. "Surely they
wouldn't -"

"They would. Believe
me." Ilseth's expression was serious. "We've gone to great lengths to
protect you, to make sure they don't know there was a survivor. Your name is on
Administration's records as a student from Caladel, so we'll be organising a
new identity for you. You may have noticed that there was no Administrator
present when we spoke to the Council - not even a Scrivener to record the
session? As far as Administration or anyone outside the Council is concerned,
you will simply be another Shadow who failed her Trials and has come to work at
the Tol. If you want to stay safe, make sure you keep it that way."

Asha frowned, but gave a
reluctant nod.

Ilseth took a deep breath.
“Speaking of your safety, Elder Eilinar has made you my responsibility. I’ve
organised a position for you amongst the other Shadows here, so that you'll
blend in - their work is mostly related to copying out the Tol's rarer texts,
from what I understand. I assume you know how to read and write well enough?”

“Of course.”

“Then I’ll be by tomorrow morning
to take you to the library.” He gestured towards the door. “When you’re not
working, you will have free rein of the Tol, though I think – and the Council
has agreed – that it is best if you don’t go into Ilin Illan itself. If you
were left alive for a reason, then whoever carried out the attack may want you
for another purpose. May even have followed us, and know you are here.”

Asha felt a chill run through
her. “I won’t go anywhere.”

“Good.” Ilseth glanced at the
Decay Clock, then stood. “Now. There are other matters to which I need to
attend, but I'll return in the morning - take you to the library, introduce
you, get you settled in."

“Thank-you.”

Ilseth shook his head. “Not at
all. I can’t imagine how hard this all must be to take in.” He leaned over and
gave her a light, reassuring squeeze on the arm. “The next few days are going
to be a bit of an adjustment, so if you need anything - anything at all -
please let me know. I want to do everything I can to help.”

He gave Asha a comforting smile
and then headed out, closing the door quietly behind him.

She was alone once again.

Asha rubbed her forehead, trying
to focus on the text in front of her.

The library was quiet today, for
which she was grateful. She wasn't sure she could handle another Gifted staring
at her in thinly veiled discomfort, or another Administrator treating her like
so much dirt.

It had been only a week since
she'd arrived at the Tol, and already her life felt... less. Every day was the
same. Repetitive, meaningless transcription work in the library. Being ignored
by almost everyone around her. Assurances from Ilseth that the Tol's
investigation was ongoing, but no answers, nor any way for her to help get
them.

And above all, the reality of
what had happened at the school - the reality of Davian's death - settling in
just a little deeper.

Asha's vision blurred for a
second, and she shook her head, taking a deep breath. She was always tired,
now; she'd had difficulty sleeping almost every night since being made a
Shadow, and arriving at the Tol hadn't changed that. If anything, it had made
things worse. The need to do something -
anything
- to find out what had
happened at Caladel sat in the pit of her stomach, always there, but worse at
nights when there was no work to distract her. And it was a need she had no
idea how to fulfil.

She looked up as voices
approached, cutting through the relative silence of the library.

“I apologise, Administrator Gil.
I just don’t know where it is.” It was Raden, one of the dozen or so other
Shadows who lived at the Tol. He sounded frightened.

“Look harder.” Gil’s tone was
curt, bordering on angry. Only a few rows of shelves separated Asha from Raden
and Gil now; she could hear everything they were saying clearly.

“Perhaps if you waited until
Haliden returned,” Raden said, a note of panic in his voice. “We’re only in
here for transcription, but he's the librarian -”

“I don’t have time to waste
waiting on that El-cursed Bleeder,” said Gil coldly. “Fates, I’m not even
supposed to be in this El-cursed situation to begin with. So find me the
El-cursed book before I lose my temper.”

“But -”

Asha leapt to her feet as there
was a crashing sound. She darted along the aisle to see an entire bookshelf had
been toppled, with Raden lying helplessly on top, a look of shock on his
black-scarred face. The short, squat man in the blue Administrator’s cloak
loomed above him.

“What are you doing?” she
exclaimed.

The Administrator didn’t take his
eyes off Raden. “Nothing that concerns you, girl. Best you stay out of it.”

A flash of anger washed through
Asha. “I certainly will not,” she said, stepping closer.

Gil turned and there was a blur
of motion; the next thing Asha knew she was on the floor, shaking her head
dazedly, tasting blood.

She twisted to stare up at Gil in
shock, not quite believing what had just happened.

“You can’t do that,” she said,
running her tongue over her split lip. Her astonishment turned quickly to
anger. “You can’t just hit -”

“Of course I can. Who’s going to
stop me?” Gil replied, tugging his cloak as if to prove the point. His weasly
eyes gazed at her in amusement.

A wave of fury swept over Asha,
and she scrambled to her feet.

“Lissa. It’s okay.” Raden was
only a little older than Asha, but he spoke with the resigned, dolorous
heaviness that many of the Shadows she'd met had taken on. As if any life, any
joy had been sucked out of him. “It was my fault. Administrator Gil was right
to chastise me.”

Asha hesitated, as she still did
every time someone used her new name. Then she gaped at Raden, gesturing at the
books scattered across the floor. “He attacked you because you couldn’t find
the book he wanted. That’s not even
your job
.”

“It was my fault,” Raden
insisted.

“You should listen to him, girl,”
said Gil, not even looking in her direction. “You’re fairly new here, so I
won’t give you the beating you deserve. Next time, though….”

Asha’s anger flared again; she
made to move towards Gil, but a hand on her shoulder restrained her. She turned
to see Jin standing behind her, the unofficial leader of the Shadows at the Tol
shaking his head in silent warning.

Asha hesitated a moment, then
with an effort let her taut muscles relax. 

Gil looked up a second later,
nodding to himself when he saw she wasn't protesting. “Good. You’re learning,”
he said cheerfully.

Then he noticed Jin, and his face
paled a little.

"Administrator Gil,"
said Jin with cold politeness.

The blue-cloaked man looked
uncertain for a moment, then his face hardened. "You need to get your
people into line, Jin," he snarled.

Jin looked unconcerned. "Did
you do this?" He gestured to the fallen bookshelf, then at Asha. "Did
you strike Lissa?"

"She tried to interfere
-"

"You're overstepping."
Jin said the words softly, but there was a definite menace to them.

Gil scowled. "I don't think
-"

Jin stepped close to the
Administrator, right up to his face so that the height difference between the
two was accentuated. Then he leaned down, whispering something in the other
man's ear.

When he'd finished, Gil had gone
white as a sheet. He turned back to Raden, looking more sick than angry now.
“You’d better make sure Haliden finds me that book as soon as he returns, or...
there will be consequences.” His tone was unconvincing this time.

“Of course,” said Raden
obsequiously, bobbing his head.

Still looking shaken, Gil left
without another word.

Nobody moved until Gil had exited
the room. As soon as he was gone, Raden scrambled to his feet and rounded on
Asha.

“You’re lucky you didn’t make him
angrier,” he said furiously, brushing himself off. “What were you thinking?
Acting like that only puts us all in danger, you know.” He turned to Jin.
"And you. I know what you said to him, and I want nothing to do with that.
I'm not going to -"

“Enough, Raden.” Jin held up his
hand. “Lissa has only been here a few days; I did it for her sake, not yours.
If he harasses you again, I won't intervene. You have my word." He sighed.
"You should get cleaned up, and then get back to work.”

Raden muttered something under
his breath, but gave a brusque nod and walked away.

Asha stared after him in
astonishment. She touched her lip gingerly; it was swollen, but would heal soon
enough. “I was just trying to help.”

Jin gave her a rueful look. “I
know. A lot of Shadows are just convinced that they're not worth helping,
unfortunately.”

She turned to him. “Isn’t there…
something we can do about Gil? Can’t we report him?”

Jin smiled, though there wasn’t
much amusement in the expression. He was perhaps thirty, though the black lines
across his face made telling his age difficult. Asha thought he would have been
handsome before becoming a Shadow; his curly black hair framed strong features
and piercing hazel eyes. “To whom? Administration?”

Asha hesitated. Administration
wouldn’t lift a finger to even investigate the accusations of a few Shadows.
“The Council?”

Jin shook his head. “They’d be
sympathetic, of course. To an extent. But they have about as much control over
the Administrators as we do.”

Asha gritted her teeth in
frustration. This wasn't the first time she'd seen Shadows being treated poorly
since she’d started working here – mostly by Administrators, occasionally by
the Gifted. It was the first time it had been anything worse than verbal abuse,
though. She hadn't thought that sort of thing would be allowed to happen within
the walls of the Tol.

"What did you say to him, to
make him leave?" she asked eventually.

Jin hesitated, giving her a
considering look.

"I told him you were under
the Shadraehin's protection," he said. "Have you heard of him?"

Asha shook her head at the
unfamiliar name. "No."

Jin watched her for a long
moment, then nodded to himself, gesturing for her to follow him. "There's
something I want to show you. Something I think you will appreciate." He
held up a hand as he saw her questioning glance. "I can't explain here.
Just trust me on this."

Asha frowned. "Very
well," she said, trying not to sound skeptical.

They left the library and were
soon winding their way down several unfamiliar passageways, the flow of red
cloaks around them steadily decreasing as they walked further into the Tol.
Finally they entered a short hallway that was entirely abandoned, with only one
door at its end. Jin stopped in front of the sturdy-looking oak and after
checking that there was no-one else around, produced a key.

The lock clicked and the door
swung open on well-oiled hinges, revealing a dimly lit staircase spiralling
downward.

Asha stared at it. "Where
exactly are we going?"

Jin glanced over his shoulder
again. "It's something only a few of us Shadows know about. And we'll be
in trouble if we're caught going down here, so we should get inside," he
said quickly. He grimaced as he saw the uncertainty on her face. "You want
to know why Gil backed off? The answer is down here."

Asha paused a second longer, then
nodded.

Once they were inside the
stairwell and the door was locked again behind them, Jin visibly relaxed.

"The lower level has been
sealed off, all but abandoned since the war began," he explained as they
started downward. "With so many fewer Gifted around, the Council decided
the upkeep was impractical, not to mention unnecessary."

"So why are we down
here?" asked Asha.

"Because this is where the
Shadraehin is." Jin smiled at her dubious expression. "Sorry to be so
mysterious, but it's easier if I just show you."

Asha shivered as Jin used his key
again and they emerged from the first landing of the stairwell. The tunnels on
this level were still lit with lines of Essence, but the illumination was
dimmer, colder. Closed doors lined the way ahead; there was no dust or grime -
the power of the Builders had evidently seen to that - but the corridors still
fairly reeked of abandonment. The grim silence was broken only by the echo of
their footsteps as they started forward.

They walked for several minutes
through a series of dimly-lit tunnels; though Jin seemed confident in his
navigation of the twisting passageways, Asha knew she probably wouldn't be able
to find her way back to the stairwell if she needed to. She had no reason to
think Jin meant her ill, but the realisation still made her uneasy.

Finally they came to a halt, the
way ahead blocked by a large door. Unlike the other doors they'd passed, this
one was made from smooth grey steel and looked like it would be impossibly
heavy to open.

Asha squinted. There was
something engraved on it in elegant, flowing script:

All that I wanted, I received

All that I dreamed, I achieved

All that I feared, I conquered

All that I hated, I destroyed

All that I loved, I saved

And so I lay down my head, weary
with despair

For all that I needed, I lost.

"We call it The Victor's
Lament," said Jin quietly, following her gaze. "Nobody knows who
wrote it or why it's here, but I always thought it was appropriate."

He stepped up to the shining
metal and placed his hand against its surface. Nothing happened for a few
moments, and then there was a sharp click. The door swung open soundlessly.

Asha gazed in astonishment into
the hallway beyond. The walls were darker than those in the Tol, closer to
black, though still displaying the effortless smoothness that typified the work
of the Builders. There were no lines of Essence here; rather, torches lit the
passageway at regular intervals, stretching out into the distance for as far as
she could see.

Two burly men sitting just inside
the door, both Shadows, sprang to attention as it opened. They only partially
relaxed when they saw Jin.

"Who's this?" one of
them asked Jin in a suspicious tone, jerking his head towards Asha. "We
weren't expecting anyone new."

"This is Lissa. I'll vouch
for her," said Jin.

The two men exchanged a look,
then the first one shrugged, stepping aside. "She's your responsibility
until the Shadraehin clears her."

"That's fine." Jin
ushered her inside, past the men and down the long passageway. Asha flinched as
she heard the steel door boom shut behind her, her sense of unease growing.
Wherever they were going, there was no easy way back now.

Finally the tunnel ended, opening
out onto a large balcony. Asha stopped short as she emerged into the light,
gaping at the scene before her.