Read The Sexy Vegan Cookbook Online
Authors: Brian L. Patton
The Sexy Vegan Cookbook (25 page)
Preheat the oven to 450ºF. Have a baking sheet lined with foil and lubed up with 1 teaspoon of oil standing by. On a wide plate, spread the ground potato chips. In a small bowl, whisk together the flour and water to make a batter. Dip each piece of seitan in the batter, let the excess fall away, dredge both sides in the potato chips until well coated, and place on the baking sheet. When all the pieces are coated, bake them for 20 minutes, or until golden.
In a small pot, melt the margarine over low heat. When it’s melted, whisk in the hot sauce, and bring to a simmer. Whisk in the arrowroot slurry to thicken your sauce. If you want it thicker, add more arrowroot slurry. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Toss the browned seitan with the sauce, then insert the pointed ends of the celery and carrot spears into the seitan pieces to use as handles.
These marinated mushrooms are so friggin’ easy to make, and you can use any combination of mushrooms you like. Just make sure that all the mushrooms are cut to roughly the same size. This ensures even flavor penetration and softening.
8 ounces cremini or other mushrooms, halved or left whole
¼ cup fresh lemon juice
¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon chopped fresh oregano
½ teaspoon chopped fresh thyme
2 teaspoons chopped fresh Italian parsley
Pinch of chili flakes
½ teaspoon salt
Pepper to taste
Place all ingredients in a zip-top bag. Mix them together thoroughly, squeeze the bag to suck out as much of the excess air as possible, and refrigerate for a minimum of 12 hours — the longer, the better. To serve, pour all of the contents of the bag into a large bowl and let come to room temperature.
When it comes to guacamole, you just can’t beat homemade. You can’t. Go ahead, try it. I dare you! Well, c’mon! Bring it! Uh-huh, that’s what I thought. Bee-otch!
2 medium avocados
¼ cup diced red onion
1 serrano pepper or ½ jalapeno pepper, seeded and minced, (see Tip,
page 185
)
2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
Juice of 1 lime
1 Roma tomato, seeded and diced
Salt and pepper
HTF do I store this guac?
While we humans need oxygen to survive, the avocado is all like, “Step off, oxygen. I prefer you not be here.” Oxidation is what makes avocados, and in turn guacamole, turn brown. So the less oxygen it touches, the better. You can extend the life of your guac by transferring leftovers to an airtight container. Before you put the lid on, spritz the top with fresh lime juice, then place a piece of plastic wrap directly on the guac, and press it so that there is no air touching the guac. It will last in the fridge like this for 2 to 3 days.
Cut the avocados in half lengthwise, rotating your knife around the pits. Separate the halves and remove the pits. With a big spoon, scoop out all the flesh and put it in a bowl. Discard the peel. Add the onion, serrano or jalapeno pepper, cilantro, and lime juice, and mash together with a fork, a potato masher, or your very clean hands. Gently fold in the tomato, and season with salt and pepper to taste.
I suppose you could deep-fry these little guys, but they actually come out crunchier and more evenly cooked in the oven. So that is my preference. For the bread crumbs, I like to use a mix of regular and panko (see WTF,
page 138
).
1 cup whole raw walnuts
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast (see WTF,
page 27
)
¼ teaspoon garlic powder
¼ teaspoon onion powder
¼ teaspoon turmeric
½ teaspoon paprika
Pinch of ground chipotle
¼ teaspoon mustard powder
¼ teaspoon salt, plus more as needed
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
½ teaspoon yellow miso
4 tablespoons water
cup canned mild green chilis (either whole or diced)
Pepper
10 jalapeno peppers, halved lengthwise and seeded (see Tip, next page)
¾ cup unbleached all-purpose flour
¾ cup unsweetened nondairy milk
2 cups bread crumbs
Oil or cooking spray, for spritzing
Preheat the oven to 400°F. In a food processor or blender, grind the walnuts, nutritional yeast, garlic powder, onion powder, turmeric, paprika, chipotle, mustard, and salt into a fine meal. Then add
1 tablespoon of the olive oil, the miso, water, and green chilis, and puree until combined. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Stuff each jalapeno half with the walnut filling, until the stuffing comes to the top edges of the pepper.
Time to set up your breading station. You’ll need two plates and a bowl. Put ¼ cup of the flour on one plate, season with salt and pepper, and mix. Place your bowl next to that, add ½ cup of flour, and whisk in the milk until you have a smooth batter that’s a bit thinner than that of pancakes. Season that with salt and pepper as well. On the remaining plate, season the bread crumbs with salt and pepper. Coat a baking sheet or casserole dish with the remaining 1 tablespoon of olive oil, and have it standing by for your breaded poppers.
Lightly coat each stuffed pepper with flour, then dip it into the wet batter, and then coat with the bread crumbs. The filling is thick enough that it won’t fall out; just be gentle during the coating process to ensure it stays put. Place the stuffed and breaded peppers on your cooking vessel, give them a light spritz of oil or cooking spray, and bake until golden brown, 30 to 35 minutes. Let cool for 5 minutes unless you love blisters on the roof of your mouth.
Be sure to wash your hands thoroughly after handling any hot peppers, or else you’ll be in a world of hurt the next time you touch your eyes, or your wang, or your vajayjay. I always keep a box of latex gloves on hand for hot-pepper handling.
4 Roma tomatoes
1 or 2 jalapeno peppers (depending on how spicy you like it; see Tip,
page 185
)
½ red bell pepper, seeded
½ yellow onion, cut into rounds
2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
1 clove garlic
¼ teaspoon cumin
Salt and pepper
1 medium avocado, roughly chopped
½ teaspoon fresh lime juice
Heat a lightly oiled grill or grill pan over medium-high heat. Place the tomatoes, jalapeno, bell pepper, and onion on the grill or grill pan. Grill, turning occasionally, until they become tender and the outsides are slightly charred (8 to 10 minutes for the jalapeno, bell pepper, and onion; 15 to 18 minutes for the tomatoes). Let cool. Chop the veggies into manageable pieces. In a blender or food processor, puree the veggies with the cilantro, garlic, cumin, and a pinch of salt and a pinch of pepper. Add the avocado and lime juice, and puree until smooth. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Store in a sealed container in the fridge for up to a week.
