The Sex Education of M.E. (26 page)

“Yeah, Jake. I think it will just feel so different from any other person you’ve been with that you’ll just know she’s the one. The one you want to share time with, share yourself with. You’ll know inside your heart, that you love her.”

How did my Cassie get so wise? My mind slowly swirled with her words.
You’ll know inside that you love her.
At one point, I thought I loved Janice. I thought love was just that hard, difficult, and painful. Then I realized what had been a moment of foolish lust became a nightmare of time spent trying to give what I didn’t have and she couldn’t offer in return. I didn’t know what love was, any more than my son. I only knew what it wasn’t.

“Who told you all this? Did Dad in all his, Emme this and Emme that?” Jacob mocked. While my first thought was
I do not talk like that
, I worried that maybe I did and the kids didn’t like her.

“Grandma,” Cassie stated, startling me, and I shivered. My mother, she had been a saint, raising two more children after her grown child effed up.

“Think Dad loved Mom?” Jake snorted.

“I don’t know. Maybe he did.”

“But she didn’t,” Jake said, softening his tone.

“No, I don’t think Mom did,” Cassie replied. They were silent for a second before Cassie spoke again. “Isn’t it sad? Two people who don’t love each other produced us. It’s pathetic.” I imagined Cassie shaking her head, with that famous look of disgust on her face I saw all too often lately.

“It’s sad, that Mom didn’t love us,” Jake replied.

“Oh Jake, Mom loves us. She does. In her own way.” They were silent again.

“Guess Dad gave it up to the wrong girl, huh?” Jake attempted to laugh.

“Well, I’m guessing Dad gave it up long before Mom, but…ew…let’s not talk about that,” Cassie teased.

“Think Emme is the right woman? I mean, I think he’s giving it to her, a lot,” Jacob emphasized the last word and I was ready to intervene. Disrespecting Emme wasn’t acceptable to me.

“I think Emme could be the right woman for Dad, if he let her in. He’s been alone a long time, Jake. I don’t know if Dad knows how to love like that.”

And out of the mouths of teens, my sad life was summed up.

“Like what?” Jake asked.

“Date. Wine and dine. Meet the family.”

“We’ve met her,” Jake said.

“Yeah, but she’s still a secret. He talks about her, but we don’t know her.”

“Do we need to know her?”

“If he’s going to marry her, we should.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa
. First they were talking love, now they’re talking marriage. This had definitely gotten out of hand.

“I don’t think Dad will marry her,” Jake said. “He’s not the marrying type.”

Cassie laughed. “You sound like a woman. What’s the marrying type?”

“You know, commitment and all that,” Jake replied. Totally enthralled with their conversation about dear ole dad, I nearly fell through the kitchen and dining room opening.

“Jake, there’s no one more committed to something than Dad, but love is different.”

“Which leads us back to my initial question? How do you know?”

Cassie sighed and I smothered a chuckle.

“Jake, you’re just going to know, okay? You’ll just know.”

I stood taller now behind the entrance. The comment lingered with me. Would I know? It had been so long, and what I had with Janice hadn’t been anything compared to how I felt with Emme. While I stood in my stupor, unclear if I could define love, Cassie’s head peered around the corner.

“Did you hear it all?” she asked, sarcastic. Without thought, I reached out and pulled her toward me. It had been a long time since I hugged my daughter, but my love for her was something I definitely recognized.

Merek and I lay entwined. My leg rested over his hip. His arm dangling over my waist. We were breathless, and still joined as one even though the moment had passed.

“Listen to that rain,” I mumbled.

“Hmmm…I like the sound.”

“I wish I didn’t have to go,” I said, risking sounding desperate and clingy. We’d continued to meet at his brother’s place when we could. It was difficult to find alone time at our own homes, and Merek refused to pay for a hotel room, making what we had seem cheap.
“We’ll keep using the apartment,” he said, offering the use of his brother’s place as if he owned it. But each night, we still had houses to return to, and children to attend. After years of sleeping, literally, with Nate, I’d gotten used to being alone in a bed, even with a partner. I missed snuggling and cuddling from years long ago. Nate wasn’t a cuddler. Merek might not be either, but I risked my desire nonetheless. I wanted to stay all night with him.

“Keeping the apartment sounds so clandestine.” I laughed in response.

“It’s so
Fifty Shades
,” he replied.

“How do you know anything about
Fifty Shades of Grey
?” I laughed.

“I read. A lot,” he said, stealing my line.

“That is not true,” I giggled again.

“Okay, someone told me.”

The response immediately put me on edge. The only person who would mention such a thing would be another woman, and one rather familiar with the storyline. My mind raced, thinking this meant Merek knew more than just the apartment situation about a book famous for the BDSM lifestyle.

“Who?” I blurted out.

“Just someone.” He shrugged to dismiss it, but I couldn’t let it go.

“Am I enough for you?” I asked, letting my leg fall away from him. One of our phones binged a text notice in the background, but I ignored it.

“Emme,” he warned.

“I mean it. Maybe this isn’t enough for you. I mean, you’re used to several different women in what, a week? And I have no idea the variety of things you’ve done, so maybe I seem kind of plain or tame compared to others. Not to mention, you’ve probably done it all sorts of places and we keep meeting here, like some sordid affair.”

“Emme,” his voice grew in agitation.

“I mean, what if you are into whips and chains, floggers and flexibility, ties and such.”

He rolled away from me to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling. “Are you serious?”

“Yes.” We remained silent for several minutes, letting the patter of rain mix with our thoughts. Lightning crashed in the distance.

“I don’t like the idea of you driving home in this. I don’t like the idea of you leaving me each night to go home alone. Emme, I haven’t felt that way about anyone before. In the past, I wanted to leave when I was done. With you, it’s not like that, so can we please stop with the comparisons.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled and he rolled his head to look at me. He twisted his naked body to the side and reached for my face. Tender kisses sparked flickers of excitement. I turned into him and wrapped a leg over his hip.

“Again,” he muttered as I ground against him. “I’ve created a monster.” He laughed, but I pulled back.

“Too much?”  In many ways, I questioned what was wrong with me. Why did I want him so much? Why didn’t I feel like I’d had enough of him each time?

“Never. I like that you’re insatiable,” he said, letting the back of his fingers coast down my neck and brush lightly over one breast. My back arched, chasing the caress.

“If you don’t want to…” My voice faltered as his knuckles continued down my center and rubbed back and forth over my waist.

In the distance, a phone binged again.

“Ignore it,” he said. His fingers spread as he covered the mound of curls at the top of my legs. Fingertips tickled through the coarse hairs, then dragged lazily over sensitive folds. My hand went to his wrist, guiding him where I wanted him to go.

“Want to take over?” His rough voice croaked. “I’ll gladly watch the show.” The low tone sent a shiver through me, but the answer was no. I wanted his touch on me. My other hand trailed down his chest, but he stopped me.

“You’re becoming too much for me,” he said softly, and I thought he meant he couldn’t go another round. He raised his fingers to his mouth, sucking them deep for a second, then returned to my center. Cool, moist digits entered me. He told me to hold onto the headboard. My other hand fanned out to my side and gripped the sheet.

“Take a deep breath,” he said. “Now let it out slowly.” I did as he said, concentrating on each motion. Air in, air out. Finger in, finger out.

“Close your eyes,” he demanded softly. “Feel each sensation.” His touch was so tender, my folds already sensitive from him being inside me. His fingers were lazy. Each movement exaggerated. The flutter began in my toes, crept up my legs and burst forth. Literally coming off the bed, I gripped the sheet and headboard, calling out his name. It had to be a record. I had three orgasms in a couple hours. That had never happened to me before.

I fell back so replete I didn’t think I’d move for a week. The rain beat the window and my heart lowered to match the steady rhythm. My eyes drifted shut, and I breathed deep. A phone beeped again. Not moving in response, I sensed Merek rolling from the bed and fumbling through his jeans.

“Emme, pick up your phone.”

My eyes flew open at the command in his tone. Ironically, he sat holding his own phone. I twisted lazily, reaching for mine on the nightstand.

Mom. I’ve been in an accident
.

We dressed in silence, rushing with our own thoughts. All we knew was Mitzi and Cassie had been together and they’d been in a car accident. Merek wanted me to ride with him, but then I’d have to come back for my car. I wanted control and driving my own vehicle was some small semblance of it.

Merek followed me, but I didn’t look back. I raced for my first born, holding my breath as the text said nothing else. It was Merek who discovered which hospital they were taken to. I’d called Bree, who only knew that Cassie picked Mitzi up hours ago and they had not returned.

Entering Lutheran General, I rushed to the registration station, not waiting for Merek.

“Mitzi Peters,” I blurted. Considered an adult to the hospital, as she was eighteen, I had to prove I was family.  I followed the nurse’s directions, going left at the nurse’s station, then right to the third curtained area. My breath hitched as I stepped around the orange and yellow striped material.

“Mitzi?” My voice was hardly above a whisper as the swollen face of my daughter made me briefly question if I was in the correct place.

“Mom?” Her head rolled in my direction, but I sensed she couldn’t see me clearly. I stepped forward and reached for her hand. “Oh, Mom.” The tears fell instantly from two eyes already blackening.

“What happened?” I asked. I prided myself on always asking
are you all right
first. But it was clear she was not all right, so on to question number two.

“Cassie and I were at a party.”

“On a school night?”

Ignoring my response, she continued.

“I told Cassie I needed to get home before you.”

The silence hung.

“And?”

“We got in an accident.” Her voice hesitated.

“Mitzi?” I asked softly.

“She only had one drink.”

“Mitzi,” I nearly shrieked. The tears streamed down her face, telling me now was not the time for the lecture that instantly came to my lips. She was only eighteen, and Cassie was too old to hang out with her, and on a school night, no less.

“I thought we’d be home before you ever knew,” she muttered between sobs, as if getting caught was worse than the danger she’d been in. The air bag had done most of the damage to her, thankfully, but the thought of something worse, much, much worse, sent me into my own set of tears. I held Mitzi to me, afraid to let her go.

Doctors came and went. Tests were done. Mitzi was sent for x-rays. Taking a deep breath, I went in search of Merek. When I found him outside a curtained area a few beds down, I paused. He looked as old as I felt suddenly. His graying hair was a sign of his age; the worry he endured raising two children on his own. He’d lost his parents eventually, who had been his support system, and the mother of his children had given him the ride of a lifetime. None of it excused how I felt about his daughter at the moment.

“How’s Cassie?” I asked. Merek stood with his arms crossed over his chest, one hand raised upward to cover his face. He stepped toward me, but I stepped back. His eyes shifted, questioning mine.