The Secretary's Secret (12 page)

‘Then you’ll do it.’

‘I have to,’ she whispered, her throat thickening and her eyes stinging. ‘I know I might fail. I know the odds aren’t great.’ After what she’d just witnessed, they might well be non-existent, but… ‘I have to at least try. Otherwise, how will I ever be able to look my child in the eye when it asks me about its daddy?’

Caro didn’t say anything for a moment. ‘What about what you need, Kit?’

‘The baby has to come first.’

‘Sure it does, but it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have hopes and dreams for yourself too. You know I’d lay my life down for Davey, but it doesn’t stop me hoping my white knight will turn up.’

With all her heart, Kit hoped that would happen for her friend.

‘You love him, don’t you?’

It was useless trying to hide from the truth. She gave a weary nod. ‘I started falling for him the first time I laid eyes on him. If I believed in such things I’d have said we’d known each other in a past life. It just felt that…right.’

And then they’d made love. There had been no going back after that.

‘Do you know how he feels about you?’

‘I know he likes who I am.’ She hesitated. ‘I sometimes think he has me up on some stupid pedestal. And I know he’s still attracted to me.’ Her heart fluttered up into her throat. There was no denying she was attracted to him.

‘But something is holding him back?’

‘Yes.’ Chad.

‘Honey, if you can’t get to the bottom of it, no one can. If and when you do, he’ll be your slave for ever.’

Kit wished she shared her friend’s confidence. ‘And if I fail, you’ll be there to help me pick up the pieces.’

‘Just like you’ve always been there for me.’

‘Caro, if Alex can’t be my birth partner, will you do it?’

Caro leaned over and hugged her. ‘I’d be honoured.’

Kit found Alex on her rock.

She didn’t mean to. She hadn’t gone looking for him. She’d just needed to get out of the house. She’d needed the fresh air and spring breeze to blow away the fears and worries crowding her mind.

She’d come here to her rock to remind herself of all the good things she’d still have in her life if Alex did leave. Just the thought of Alex leaving bleached the colour out of all that was good. She swallowed and settled one hand on her stomach. That wasn’t true. If Alex left she’d still have her baby, and her baby was a very good thing. An amazing thing.

A miracle.

She’d give thanks for her baby every day.

She stared at the rigid lines of Alex’s back and shoulders and clenched her hands. Why was he finding this so hard? Their baby wasn’t Chad. Their situation was different. Sure, the prospect of a new baby was scary, but it was joyful and wonderful too. Or it would be if only he’d let it.

She blinked hard. She should leave him be. He obviously wanted privacy. Maybe her rock would help him find a measure of peace. She turned to leave, but he swung around as if some sixth sense had told him she was standing there.

‘Oh…’ The words dried in her throat as emotion, yearning, her love for him, all swelled up through her. ‘I’m sorry,’ she finally choked out. ‘I didn’t know you were here. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’ll go.’

‘No!’ He leapt to his feet. ‘This is your spot.
I’ll
go.’

His vehemence, his evident desire to put her at her ease and to do what was right, made her smile. ‘I’m happy to share. There’s room enough for two.’ There was room enough for an entire family, but she left that particular thought unsaid.

He shrugged. ‘I’m game if you are.’

He moved forward and offered her his hand, helped her clamber down. He let her go again as soon as it was safe, and she immediately missed his sure strength, his warmth. She tried to make do with the sun-warmed rock instead.

She rested back on her hands and lifted her face to the sun. ‘Summer is nearly here. I love summer.’ When she glanced back at him, she found him staring out to sea. Her heart crashed and ached and burned. Was he wishing himself a million miles away?

Regardless of his sentiments, it couldn’t be denied that this stay here at least agreed with him physically. His forearms and calves had grown tanned from the sun. His body, if it were possible, had grown harder and leaner.

She’d love to see him naked.

Oh!

She must’ve made some betraying noise because he turned to her. She waved a hand in front of her face as if shooing a fly.

‘Look, I’m sorry. I know I freaked out back there earlier with Davey.’

That was one way of putting it.

‘But all of a sudden he was up on that scaffolding with me and all I could think was, what if he fell? It’d be my fault.’

‘No, it wouldn’t. Caro and I should’ve been watching him more closely. I keep forgetting how quick he is.’

When he didn’t say anything else, a weight settled in her stomach. She stared at the water flowing in the channel. If she fell in now she had a feeling she’d sink to the very bottom. ‘Tell me about Chad.’

Every line of him stiffened. ‘Why?’

She lifted one shoulder. ‘Because I know that’s who Davey reminded you of. He’s such a big part of you even though he isn’t in your life any more.’ Alex didn’t say anything. She swallowed. ‘How old was he when he started to sleep through the night? Where did he take his first step?’

Alex’s hands clenched to fists.

‘What was his favourite toy?’

He swung to her, his face twisted. ‘Talking about Chad, remembering him, whatever you think, Kit, it doesn’t help.’

The hairs on her arms lifted and her heart raced. ‘You’re not the only one who is scared, you know?’ she burst out, unable to keep the wobble from her voice.

He frowned then. ‘You’re scared?’

If she had the energy, she’d have smiled at his incredulity, if she could just get over the ache flattening her chest and stretching behind her eyes and pounding at her temples first. ‘Dammit, Alex! Some days I’m terrified.’

She couldn’t bear to look at him any more, knowing the distance that stretched between them. She stared down into the strong current that rippled down the channel as the tide came in, at the clean, clear water. Then blinked when a silver-grey shape lifted out of that water. ‘Oh, look!’ She pointed at the myriad of fins that surfaced. ‘Dolphins.’

In the past it had never mattered what it was that she’d brooded about as she’d sat out here; when the dolphins arrived things never looked so bad.

From the way Alex leaned forward to get a better view, from the way his back unbent and his shoulder unhitched, she figured maybe they had the same effect on him.

‘What are you scared about, Kit?’

‘That I’ll be a terrible mum. That I’ll be impatient and yell a lot and that being home with a baby will be so intellectually and mind-bogglingly boring that I’ll lose myself and blame the baby.’

‘Oh.’ The word broke from him softly as if he’d thought her above worrying about such things. As if the thought hadn’t occurred to him that such things could worry her. ‘I think you’ll make a great mum. I don’t think you’ll get impatient or yell. You never did at work. I know you loved your job, but how much more will you love your baby?’

He had a point.

‘As for this baby brain you talk about, you’re doing the crossword and playing word games and I know you’ll beat it. Maybe you could pick up some part-time work that will give you some down-time from the baby?’

She eyed him uncertainly. ‘You don’t think it’s a mother’s role to be with her baby twenty-four seven?’

‘Nope.’

She let that idea sink in. ‘I’m scared of other stuff too.’

‘Like?’

‘What if dirty nappies make me puke?’

‘Keep a bucket by the changing table.’

That made her laugh. She sobered a moment later. ‘I wonder how I’ll cope with months of broken sleep. I wonder how I’ll cope if I get sick again.’

‘You have lots of friends all willing to help you out.’

‘I know, but…’ She wanted it to be him she shared all those things with—the difficulties and the joys of adjusting to a new baby.

He’d loved a child once. Didn’t it mean he could love another one?

‘But?’

‘I know all those things, but it doesn’t make the fear go away. I…I mean, the thought of the labour terrifies me.’ She gulped when she realized what she’d said. She hadn’t meant to reveal quite so much.

Turbulence raged in those dark eyes of his. ‘Then why are you going through it?’

‘Because the hope is greater than the fear.’

Something fluttered in her stomach—like a hiccup—only it didn’t come from her.

‘What is it?’ Alex barked when she held herself suddenly stiff, all his energy focused on her. It almost threw her concentration. She loved watching his muscles bunch like that, his eyes narrow in readiness.

‘Hold on…’ She held up a hand. There! It happened again.

It was the baby!

‘Oh, Alex, look!’ She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her stomach.

‘What am I—?’

She pressed his fingers more firmly to the spot where the hiccup feeling grew. ‘Can you feel that?’ Wonder filled her.

‘What is it?’ He frowned. ‘Should I take you to the clinic?’

She laughed for the sheer joy of it. ‘That’s the baby, Alex. That’s the baby kicking.’

For a moment she thought he meant to pull his hand away but, almost as if he couldn’t help it, his fingers spread across her belly and gently pressed against her, sending darts of warmth shooting through her. ‘The baby?’ he whispered, almost as if he were afraid of waking it up.

‘Uh-huh.’ She nodded. ‘Isn’t it amazing?’

‘Yes.’ Then he frowned. ‘Does it hurt?’

He would’ve pulled his hand away only she laid her hand on top of it to keep it there, to maintain this tenuous three-way connection—him, her and their baby. ‘Not a bit. It feels…wonderful! I’ve been dying for this moment.’ Her grin must stretch all the way across the channel to Forster.

His eyes widened. ‘This is the first time?’

She couldn’t get the grin off her face. ‘The very first time.’

Alex’s wonder made him look younger. The grooves either side of his mouth eased, the creases around his eyes relaxed and the darkness in his irises abated, his lips tilted up at the corners, and it all made Kit catch her breath.

Beneath her hand, his hand tensed. She dropped her gaze to stare at their two hands. Neither one of them moved, and in less than a heartbeat desire licked along her veins. She wanted to lift her gaze and memorize every line and feature of his face, the texture of his skin, while she could. Here on her rock. So she could have this memory for ever.

She didn’t need to look up to do that, though. His every feature was already branded on her brain. She knew that dark stubble peppered his jaw. Alex needed to shave every day, but he’d skipped that chore this morning, eager to get started on the painting instead. Her palm itched to sample that roughness, her tongue burned to trace it, to taste it…to tease him.

Today he looked more like a disreputable pirate than a civilised businessman and a thrill coursed through her at the danger she sensed simmering just beneath the surface.

Finally obeying the silent command she sensed in him, she lifted her gaze to his. At the edge of his right eyebrow was a tiny nick, as if he’d once had a stitch there. She’d always meant to ask him about it, but her breath came in shallow gulps and her pulse had gone so erratic she didn’t trust her voice not to give her away.

His eyes burned dark and hot as they travelled over her, and her soul sang at the possessiveness that transformed his features. No longer afraid of revealing her desire for him, she lowered her gaze to his lips. Need, hunger, thirst all speared into her. Her lips parted. Her eyes searched out his again, pleading with him to sate her need. If she couldn’t taste him just one more time she thought she might die.

Something midway between a groan and a growl emerged from his throat. His hand tightened on her stomach. Her hand tightened over his. Yes! Oh, please, yes!

Still Alex held back, his eyes devouring her face as if he was picturing in vivid detail every caress he meant to place there. He didn’t lift his hand from her abdomen and it felt like a promise. His fingers splayed, sending darts of need right into the core of her, making her tremble with the intensity of her desire.

His other hand came up to cup her face, his thumb traced the outline of her bottom lip, dipped into the moistness of her mouth, traced her lips again, moved back and forth over them as if to sensitize them to the utmost limit of their endurance before taking her to the next level with his lips and mouth and tongue.

She started to pant, wanted to beg him for his lips, his mouth, his tongue, but still his mouth didn’t descend. With a low growl she flicked her tongue across his thumb. He stiffened as if electrified. She drew his thumb into her mouth, circled it with her tongue, suckled it until his eyes darkened to obsidian.

And then finally, slowly, inexorably, his head lowered and her blood started to sing. His body blocked out the sun and, as he moved closer and closer, all she could see was the light reflected in his eyes. His lips touched hers, moved over hers—surely, reverently, thoroughly—her eyes fluttered closed and, as the kiss deepened, light burst behind her eyelids. Every wonderful Christmas, every sun-drenched summer and visiting dolphin, every bright and beautiful thing that had ever existed in her life gained a new vitality in that kiss.

The need and the energy, it took her and Alex and merged them into a sparkling, flaming oneness until, body and soul, she didn’t know where she ended and Alex began. It was the kind of kiss to shape worlds and change lives. It shifted the foundations of her world and all she believed about herself.

The hope is greater than the fear.

For the first time where Alex was concerned, her hope was greater than her fear.

Alex eased away from Kit. He didn’t know for how long they’d kissed. He barely knew which way was up. Very slowly he drew his hands away—one from her face, one from her stomach. He tried to stop his legs from jerking in reaction.