The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer (20 page)

I told Dr. Jacoby that the last time I had seen Leo and Jacques had not been very nice. We had all been fooling around, and they had tied me up in this chair, but I started to get this feeling of claustrophobia... restriction. I started to panic and hyperventilate and I tried to explain what was happening but it was difficult to speak and no one realized I was being serious. I started to get very lightheaded and there were flashes of light in my eyes and I was finally able to scream out for them to stop. This was not all right... I was not all right. We had been playing one of the games we play a lot where I am trapped in a cabin far far away from any help and that I am a virgin and they are men who have been sent from a strange and erotic place to take my virginity and to punish me for resisting them. And so Leo heard me say this was not all right, but he thought it was part of the game and he said, "Oh, is the little virgin scared?" It went on like that and I started rocking the chair back and forth and I guess Leo was really into it, as was Jacques, and Leo got a little crazy and he hit me, hard... too hard. My ears rang. I began to cry. It wasn't until then that Jacques said, "Wait a minute, she's not okay." They untied me and I ran home without saying a word.

Leo's slap had left an ugly bruise on my cheek. I had to tell my parents that this horrible black and blue mark came from when I was carrying a dinner tray from Harold's apartment.

I told Dr. Jacoby I missed Donna and I wished that she and Ronnette would like each other. I wish that we could all be friends so I wouldn't have to hide anything from anyone.

I told him about how I had gone to Harold's last week,
really fucked up
and how scared I made him by coming on to him pretty heavy. And then, basically because he could not leave his house, forced him to have sex with me.

I told Dr. Jacoby that I cried for hours afterward because I felt so horrible. It took Harold almost an hour to talk to me because I had made him scared, even in his own home, his only refuge. And then I told Dr. Jacoby that half the time I hated it and the rest of the time it made me feel strong and hot between the legs.

On the way out of Harold's, Mrs. Tremond's grandson, Pierre, saw me and came up to me and pulled a gold coin out of my ear and walked away.

I told him that BOB was getting very very close and that I was trying as hard as I could to write about him to find out what he was, who he was, before he could get to me. I had been writing so much about him in my diary in poems and dreams and each time I did it I would see him at my window or feel him coming closer, but I wasn't sure if it was paranoia... I just wanted to be normal. I just want to be like everybody else. I don't like having to be careful of who to talk to because someone might hate me if they knew the truth about me, about how dirty I am. And how somehow, I don't remember it, but, somehow everyday I asked to be treated this way. It always happens, so it must be something I don't realize I say, or something I think. I told him how I went to my safety deposit box and how I saw the drug money there and I had a fantasy about taking it and running away forever. But I didn't deserve that. I deserved to stay here. I had done something wrong. My heart hurt so badly, but I knew I had to stay.

I took the responses from my ad in
Fleshworld
home with me and stayed up all night putting pictures of me and my panties into envelopes... and how I had to keep getting higher and higher on coke so I wouldn't break down and cry and I didn't want anyone to hear my cries because they didn't matter to them anyway.
They never have.

Love, Laura

PAGE RIPPED OUT

(as found)

PAGE RIPPED OUT

(as found)

Undated

Dear Diary,

I know who he is.
I know exactly who and what BOB is, and I have to tell everyone. I have to tell someone and make them believe.

Someone has torn pages out of my diary, pages that help me realize maybe... pages with my poems, pages of writing, private pages.

I'm so afraid of death.

I'm so afraid that no one will believe me until after I have taken the seat that I fear has been saved for me in the darkness. Please don't hate me. I never meant to see the small hills and the fire. I never meant to see him or let him in.

Please, Diary, help me explain to everyone that I did not want what I have become. I did not want to have certain memories and realizations of him. I only did what any of us can do, in any situation...

My very best.

Love, Laura

P.S. I'm giving you to Harold for safekeeping. I hope I see you again. I can't stay sober anymore. I just can't. I have to be numb.

THE PRECEDING WAS LAURA'S LAST

ENTRY. SHE WAS FOUND DEAD JUST

DAYS LATER.