The Secret Daughter (33 page)

Ted had planned to leave Mum and me alone to give us some space to talk. Now though, Dad was here, and I was relieved when my husband lingered, taking his place right next to me on the couch. Mum and Dad sat directly opposite me, and I realised we were inadvertently sitting in the very same positions we’d taken weeks earlier. That night, they seemed to break my life into pieces. What would come out of
tonight
?

‘I didn’t think you were coming, Dad,’ I said quietly.

‘I didn’t know
where
I was going until we got here,’ he said, and he shot Mum a furious glance. She stared right ahead at me, but when a moment passed and no one spoke, I felt my optimism about this meeting begin to slip.

‘Please don’t do this to me again.
Please
don’t make me beg. It’s
time
.’

Dad gave Mum an irritated glance and then a heavy sigh, and then he said,

‘We keep telling you—’

‘No,’ Mum spoke, and the word was short and harsh. ‘Grae, this is
my
turn to speak. You are
not
here to talk.
You’re
here because we were in this together, and we’re damn well going to
face
it together.’

We all looked to Mum, because
there
it was. There in her words was the harsh tone I’d heard every single time I’d stepped over the line. It was the sharp gaze that she’d used freely on my boyfriends, the pursed lips she’d shot towards unsupportive teachers, the frustrated lecture she’d delivered time after time when I couldn’t be bothered putting the effort into a task.

I
knew
that aspect of my mother so well – it was the strength of her character. But not once, in my entire life, had I seen her direct it at Dad.

‘It was
not
for the best.’ She was shaking and pale, but this time, she trembled with the passion of her conviction, not because she was weak. Suddenly, my Mum was
beautiful
again to me, and the tears in my eyes were of pride, not confusion or pain. ‘We should have told you the truth when you were a child. We
didn’t
, because we were scared. We
never
intended to keep you, Sabina. It was an impulse, and although I’m so very glad that we’ve had you in our lives . . . there’s no denying that we went about it in the wrong way. We have both lived for all of these years terrified of what the consequences might be, and we let that fear overrule what was best for you.’

Dad looked like someone had detonated a warhead on his lap. He gaped at her and I waited for the returning thunder to come. He would not need to raise his voice, he would respond with a sharp word or two, and Mum would surely shrink.

But Dad did not deliver some stinging rebuke. He fell silent, in fact, and I could barely believe what I was seeing.

‘I won’t speak for Dad – but I
knew
from the very beginning that you needed to know. I let you down. I was too scared to stand up to Dad, and
I let you down
,’ Mum’s breath caught on a sob. ‘I never wanted you to know what I did to Lilly. I never wanted you to understand how weak I really am … how selfish
we
really were
.
But
above all, I should have had the courage to do what was best for you.
I failed you
.’

‘But—’ Dad tried to speak at last, but Mum immediately silenced him with a fierce wave of her hand and a glare.

‘Grae,
shut up
! This is
Sabina’s
moment.’

I saw Dad’s struggle. He was trying desperately to hide it, but he was battling – watching the control slip right through his fingertips. There was an unbridled fury in his eyes as he stared toward Mum. I knew that I was watching a paradigm shift in their marriage that was so profound that it would change
everything
for them. I was hurting – for myself, for Lilly, for Mum . . . and for Dad.

For all of his flaws, I could not deny the lifetime of love and devotion he’d given to me.

‘Dad,’ I choked, ‘You are
always
going to be my Dad. I love you so, so much. Nothing you can say tonight is going to change that.’

He closed his eyes and blindly fumbled to take Mum’s hand. She carefully wound their fingers together and sat their hands on her thigh, and Dad turned towards her and opened his eyes.

Mum and Dad stared at each other, with such rawness and pain that I suddenly felt like an intruder in my own home. I’d wondered at the way they communicated with just a glance, and in the weeks since they’d told me about the adoption, it had felt like those messages were encrypted. Now I could read their expressions crystal clear –
it’s time.
After a moment, Mum gave a subtle nod, and then turned back to me and offered me a watery smile.

‘You always looked so like her, you know. And now here you are, and you’re pregnant too, and you’ve got that same beautiful glow about you. That’s why I finally found the courage to tell you. I convinced Dad we
had
to tell you because I’d scared you about my own history with pregnancies . . . but that was just an excuse.’ She shook her head, as if even after all of those years, she still could not believe what she had done. ‘I took your whole life from her, Sabina. I couldn’t take her grandchild too.’

Mum was speaking softly but her words came without resistance. She was ready to be true to herself – to be the open, honest woman who had drilled into me the importance of truth and integrity. I
did
know my mother, in spite of these secrets, and that realisation confirmed the suspicion that had been growing in my heart over the past few days.

‘You always intended to give me back to her, didn’t you Mum?’

‘I just wanted to help,’ Mum whispered, and she started to cry.

‘Can you tell me where it all went wrong?’

Mum took a deep breath in, and after a long, slow exhale, she finally gave me the one thing that had always been missing in my life.

My Mum gave me the truth.

FORTY

Megan—October 1973

The fragile balance between my plans and Grae’s dreams came to a sudden end one lunchtime when Sabina was just over a month old.

Grae did as he always had since Sabina had come into our lives; he rushed home for lunch right on noon, and as soon as he was inside he’d brush a kiss against my cheek before immediately seeking the baby out. Whether she was asleep or awake he’d pick her up and deliver his cheerful greeting before he settled to eat his lunch with her in his arms. This time, he sat at the kitchen table with Sabina resting in the crook of one elbow, then he reached into his pocket with his other hand and sat a folded paper on the table between us.

‘June came to see me at my office today.’

‘June?’ I repeated. ‘June Sullivan?’

I was seated opposite him trying to inhale my tenth cup of coffee of the day, hoping it would keep me awake long enough to at least wash and dry a load of nappies.

‘Meg, do you have any idea why June thinks we’re keeping this baby?’

Of course I had an idea. I’d
told
her as much. I shifted a little in my seat, as if the vinyl cushion had suddenly become uncomfortable, then offered him a mild smile over my coffee cup as I said,

‘You must have misunderstood.’

‘I didn’t misunderstand her.’

‘You must have,’ I sat the cup down, but maintained my smile as I pushed my chair back. ‘I better get those nappies on—’

‘No, Meg. Stay here, we need to talk about this. Did June
know
that we were just minding Sabina temporarily?’ I cleared my throat. I’d never really been much of a crier, but sleep deprivation had wreaked havoc on my emotions. Tears were building, and I was silent as I fought to dispel them. I sat with my hands on my lap, chair pushed slightly back from the table, staring at my knees while I rallied against the weakness of my resolve. ‘You don’t need to answer me, Meg. I know the answer. So you lied to me?’

‘I didn’t lie,’ I whispered eventually. ‘I just didn’t explain it very well.’

‘June filled out the birth registration paperwork for you, to help things along. She thought you might be busy with the baby and you might have forgotten that you said you’d take care of it. You were
supposed
to register her within four weeks of her birth.’

‘
Lilly
will do it. And soon.’

‘Meg. It’s the tenth of October. June said that we really can’t leave it any longer or someone might notice.’

‘But . . . there’s still time. How many weeks old is the baby now?’ I
had
completely lost track of time. It felt as though Sabina had been in our house forever, but somehow, each day also felt so very long. Had it been a few days, or a few years? I could barely tell.

‘
Five
, Meg. She’s five weeks old.’

‘I will try to call Lilly and see—’

‘Wait,’ Grae said. I hadn’t heard him use such a terse tone in weeks, not since Sabina came into our lives and the strange happiness had come over him. The sharpness of it startled me. ‘June’s prepared the paperwork already. She thought it might have been asking too much of you, leaving it to you to handle the whole lot.’

‘But Grae . . . Lilly
has
to do it, they have to pick her middle name and—’

‘Meg . . . listen to me . . . Lilly has
nothing
to do with this anymore. June’s filled the paperwork in . . . for
us
.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘She said that sometimes for special families she fixes the paperwork.’ At my blank look, he spoke carefully, stressing the syllables. ‘She
simplifies
it.’

I looked at the paper on the table and shuddered against a sudden, rising sense of dread. I had seen June falsify birth records twice in my time working with her. The first was when we placed a baby with one of her friends, the second time when a local politician had decided to adopt.

Even at the time I knew the consequences of this. In an ordinary adoption, there was an original birth certificate listing the biological parents of the child – locked away, yes, but they
existed
. What June was proposing meant removing any record of Lilly and James from Sabina’s history.

The thought of it made me feel physically sick.

‘But . . .
Lilly
. . .’

‘June told me that you’re putting off the registration
because
of Lilly. She said that you two had become far too close, and you might be struggling with the idea of registering the birth to her then having to file for an amendment to the certificate down the track.’

My heart had started dancing a slightly frantic tango. I could feel the sweat building on my palms.

No, no, no
.

‘Did you . . . you didn’t
tell
June, did you? That we’re giving Sabina back to them?’

‘I’m not an idiot, Megan. Although you obviously thought you could play me for one.’

‘I just wanted to help, Grae.’ Tears were rolling down my cheeks and onto my blouse.

‘In all of this time, you forgot to mention to me that this
Lilly
is a sixteen-year-old kid. The way you talked about it, they were a stable, sensible couple who’d just missed the formality of the wedding ceremony. I was starting to wonder what was taking so long. Are they even legally allowed to get married?’

‘They’re working on it,’ I whispered. Grae’s heavy exhalation condemned me.

‘Did it occur to you that you’ve played God here, Meg?’ I thought about the day in Lilly’s hospital room when I had thought as much myself, and how proud I’d felt about that. ‘There are
reasons
we don’t send babies home with sixteen-year-olds. How did you expect her to cope?’

‘She’s going to marry James.’

‘She’s sixteen, for Christ’s sakes, Megan! Married or not, do you seriously think the right thing to do is to give this baby to a
child
to raise?’

‘Grae, she’s a smart kid, she really is.’ My tears were as irritating to me as Sabina’s were in the depth of the night; I was
furious
with myself. I just wanted to clear the emotional confusion so that I could explain my plan calmly to him. There was a logic to it, if I could just calm myself down enough explain it, he’d
see
that. Why, oh why, did I have to face this conversation
now
, when I was so exhausted that I could barely remember my own name?

‘But she is a
kid
.’ There was no denying how frustrated Graeme was, probably as frustrated as I, although our points of view were diametrically opposed. His face was red, and there were beads of sweat on his forehead and cheeks. I marvelled at the way his arm around Sabina remained relaxed, as he shielded her from the force of his emotion. Why couldn’t I do that?

He took a deep breath, then looked down to Sabina. She was staring up at him, wide awake and curious.

‘Her eyes are changing colour,’ he said suddenly. The frustration was gone from his voice; in an instant, he was speaking with tenderness again.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Haven’t you noticed? They
were
bright blue but I think maybe they’re darkening.’

‘No, I haven’t.’ I barely looked at her, compared to Grae. I fed her and I clothed her and I changed her nappies. I didn’t talk to her, and no way on earth would I allow myself to gaze down at her lovingly like Graeme did every time she came into his field of vision. And that was surely a good thing – because I couldn’t imagine the pain of truly connecting with that tiny little whirlwind and having to pass her back.

‘That paperwork,’ Grae said, and he picked it up with his spare hand again and tossed it towards me. ‘It could mean that Sabina is ours.
Really
ours. No one would
ever
know any different. You never wanted to adopt, Meg – well, this is
barely
adoption, no one would ever
even know
.
My family, your family, the courts, Sabina herself. To the entire world, she’ll be
ours
. Do you really believe that some teenager can provide a better life for her than we can, just because they’re biologically related?’