The Secret Daughter (18 page)

‘And now?’

‘What do you think?’

‘It’s a step,’ I conceded. ‘It’s not enough, but it’s a step.’

When the clock finally ticked over 8:59 a.m., I dialled Hilary’s office.

‘Adoption Information Re—’

‘Hilary, it’s Sabina. I found out her name. And the right date.’ I was breathless, and talking fast. Hilary broke off to give me space to speak. ‘She is – she was – Liliana Wyz-Wyzlecki, I think it would be pronounced. And I was born on the 3rd of September.’

It suddenly struck me that I was a whole month older than I had realised. Which birth date would I celebrate now?

‘So, your adoptive parents changed their minds about giving you some more information, then?’

‘Mum did. Dad doesn’t know.’

‘All right. I’ll look into it. I’ll try to call you back later today, Sabina.’

Then, there was the second wait, and Ted finally seemed anxious too. I could tell because he had voluntarily started doing the dishes from the previous night’s dinner. I, on the other hand, was sitting at the table talking about nothing much at all, nursing the phone. When it failed to ring, and several hours managed to trickle by, I moved to get dressed, and Ted changed out of his work clothes.

Almost as soon as I had taken my night-shirt off, the phone rang. I answered it naked except for my underwear.

‘Hello?’

‘Hi, Sabina. It’s Hilary again. I wanted to let you know, I found records for Liliana Wyzlecki at the home – I think we’re onto something. There is no veto in place, in fact, she contacted us herself, almost twenty years ago, to request contact if you registered with us. It looks like . . .’ I heard Hilary shuffle some papers, then she sighed just a little. ‘She called us on what would have been your real eighteenth birthday, actually.’

‘She did?’

I was relieved, and I was heartbroken. Liliana had been expecting me to contact her for twenty years. Oh, the longing and hurt that those years must have contained for her.

‘So, I’m going to call her now, and if I can’t get hold of her by phone, I’ll have to send her a letter to let her know that you’re looking to contact her. I’ll just confirm that she’s still open to hearing from you – it’s been such a long time, I need to be sure her circumstances haven’t changed. If she consents, I’ll pass her contact details on to you. Hopefully she has email now, that makes things so much easier. It might happen quickly, it might take a while. It’s really up to Liliana now, and you might need to be patient while she thinks this through. I’m just trying to set expectations, I know you must be excited. I will call you when I know something.’

‘Okay. Okay, that sounds good.’

So I hung up the phone again, filled Ted in on the developments, and then heard the sound of my song echoing around our house as I dressed and finally found my appetite for breakfast.

EIGHTEEN

Lilly—August 1973

Dear James,

It’s been almost two months since we posted the first letter. I know you have it and I don’t know what your silence actually means.

Why aren’t you here? Why haven’t your parents at least come? Were you too afraid to tell them? You’ve never let me down before and nothing has ever
mattered
like this before. Where
are
you?

Our baby will be here in less than a month. I am so big now – I just waddle slowly, my legs and back ache, and today Mrs Baxter had to arrange me a chair for the laundry so I can sit down between loads of linen because I keep passing out.

There is no time left for you to dilly-dally or come to terms with this if you’re sitting on your hands trying to figure out what to do.

If, somehow, you
haven’t
understood, let me make it perfectly clear to you: we have a baby, and if you don’t find a way to get me out of here, someone is going to take her away from us forever. I am not strong enough to survive losing this baby, James. I’m just not. I don’t even want to be.

I’m going to give you one more week, and then as scared as I am to do it, I just have to try to escape. I
have
to get out of here. I can’t stay here and let this happen to us.

I have never imagined a future without us together. But if you have been receiving these letters and
choosing
not to come for me, I will
never, ever
forgive you. I want you to know that the place in my heart that was once full of love for you will be full of seething, furious hate.

If you do not come, and one day years from now we pass each other in the street, you’d better cross the road to get away from me. If you are knowingly leaving me here to face this alone, I hope that the guilt of it drives you slowly crazy. I hope that you realise that you cannot let our baby down and keep a shred of love or even respect from me.

You were my only hope. I trusted you. I was so sure that you would come. I can’t understand how I could have been so wrong.

Please James . . . prove me wrong, I am begging you. Where
are
you?

Lilly

NINETEEN

Sabina—April 2012

Several hours passed after I spoke with Hilary. Ted had put a load of laundry on, but I was so anxious that the sound of the washing machine was making me jumpy.

‘Let’s go out,’ Ted suggested. ‘Gardening? Shopping? The movies? What do you think will distract you best?’

‘Let’s go shopping,’ I said, thinking of my too-tight work clothes. ‘I’ll just . . . let me just check my email before we go. Just in case.’

I sat down at the computer. I was already thinking about dragging Ted around the mall –he’d patiently follow me around all day, and I knew he wouldn’t complain once . . . not today, anyway. Maybe it was unkind to take him up on his offer. Maybe—

Every thought stopped when I realised that I already had an email in my inbox from Hilary. The subject line was:
Liliana Piper (Wyzlecki) and Sabina Wilson
. I called Ted and we stared at it together. After a moment, he sat his hand on my shoulder.

‘Are you going to open it?’ he asked softly.

‘I can’t,’ I whispered. I was physically frozen, my limbs had stopped responding to commands from my mind. ‘Why didn’t she call? Hilary said she’d call after she spoke with Liliana. Is this to let me know that Liliana doesn’t want to talk to me?’

On some level, I’d been so confident that there was a happy ending beyond all of this confusion, but of course it wasn’t a
given
that my biological mother would want me to be part of her life. Perhaps it was too hard, or too late, or just too difficult. How could I judge her for that? I had no concept of how I had come to be, or even how we’d been separated.

The computer made the sound of a bell. Another email had entered my inbox.

From:
Lilly Piper

I started to cry. Now I was shaking too hard to move the mouse, and I stood and stepped back away from it. I felt hot and sweaty and nauseous. Ted took my hand.

‘Let me help, Bean.’

I nodded, then nodded again and pointed to the chair, my throat too tight to speak. He sat, then clicked on Hilary’s email first.

Dear Liliana and Sabina,

I’m delighted to say that you are both very keen for contact. I am so pleased we are able to connect you. Having arranged some dozens of these reunions now, I encourage you to take it slowly, and keep your expectations of each other low. If I can help in any way as you re-establish your relationship, please let me know. I’ll call you both in the next few days to see how you are feeling. Be kind to yourselves, and each other. Hilary

‘Are you ready for the next one?’ Ted asked me, and I squeezed his shoulder because my voice wouldn’t work at all.

Dear Sabina,

I am so, so very glad that you have decided to make contact with me. I have been waiting for this moment for thirty-eight years. I want you to know that not a second has gone by where I have not held you close to me at least somewhere in my mind.

I just know you are a wonderful person, and I am so hoping this will mean a chance to get to know you.

You must have so many questions – I will try to guess what some of them are. I am married to your father, James, and we have two other children, Simon and Charlotte. You are an aunty to Dominic and Valentina, who are the most beautiful six-month-old twins, and to Neesa, who is twelve, and an equally beautiful, big-spirited pre-teen. Your father and I live on our family property,
Piper’s Peace
, which is near the village of Molong in the central west of New South Wales. James is a farmer, and I am a history teacher.

I count you very much as a part of our family, and when you’re ready, I would just so love to chat to you on the phone. Also, if you feel ready, but with no pressure to rush until you are, I’d love to see a photo of you. I have attached one of us all, taken a few days after the twins were born.

Thank you again for reaching out, Sabina. I feel a joy so big that I really can’t find words for it.

All my love, always and always,

Lilly

Ted opened the image. There was a couple in the centre of the photo, each holding a tiny newborn baby and wearing an expression of pure delight. To their right, a tall blonde woman was embracing an older child.

I glanced quickly enough to surmise that an older couple were standing like bookends on either side of the group. I could not bring myself to look at them just yet.

‘Ted,’ I whispered. ‘I have a sister and a brother.’

‘And you’re an aunt.’

‘I’m an aunt,’ I echoed, and then I thought about this and I grinned. ‘I’m an
aunt
, Ted!’

‘They look like you.’

‘They really do. Well,
they
don’t.’ I pointed to two blonde women on the screen, then moved my finger towards the woman holding the newborn. ‘I guess that must be Simon’s wife? The email doesn’t say her name.’

Ted nodded towards the other blonde.

‘There is
no
way that glamorous woman just gave birth to twins . . . so I guess you’re right.’

‘She’s
stunning
.’

‘So are you,’ Ted said hastily. ‘But you sure have different . . . colouring.’

‘And
builds,
Ted. I
can
see her, you know.’ A bubble rose inside me and popped as a laugh. ‘I have a sister and she looks like a fashion model. I look more like
Mum
than I do her. How did that happen?’

‘That must be your father, I guess she takes after that side,’ Ted said, and he moved his finger to the tall man on the left of the photo. I finally let my eyes wander past the younger family members.

He was thin, and beyond his high forehead was a patch of silver hair. He was tanned, actually quite a bit
too
tanned, in that weathered way that is so typical of Australian farmers. His grin was impossibly broad, displaying an undeniable pride and joy.

I liked him
immediately
, just on sight. There was something so open about his smile.

‘What’s his name again?’ Ted asked, and when he moved to bring the email back onto screen, I squeezed his shoulder again.

‘James Piper,’ I said. The name was already written onto my heart, there was no chance I’d forget it. ‘I guess that means that
she
is Liliana . . .’

I let my gaze focus on Liliana Wyzlecki – my mother, or at least,
one
of my mothers. I stared at her long after my vision had blurred and after the inevitable sobs started.

I cried for Liliana Piper, because she was standing in a photo with her beautiful, full family, and she was beaming a proud, delighted grin – but I could still see sadness in her eyes. I could see from my first glance at her that she, like me, had no way of hiding her emotions – this was not a woman who could contain a secret. Just like me, her inner feelings were written all over her face for the world to see.

And I really was the spitting image of Liliana. Her hair was shaped into a sensible bob, but it was thick and shiny and the same warm brown that mine had always been. We shared the same big brown eyes, the same chubby cheeks and the same broad smile. She was curvy like me, but physically stronger somehow – maybe she did some manual work on the farm. She was wearing a blue shirt, a red scarf and a pair of jeans, over a cheeky pair of bright red boots. I wondered if she liked to wear bright colours, just as I did. I wondered what else we would have in common.

I felt terrified, and overjoyed, and nervous and relieved all at the same time. I was just a bundle of anxious excitement. I had gained a family – a
huge
family by my standards – siblings to build friendships with, nieces and nephews to nurture. There would be complexities to a family with so many people, maybe a web of confused agendas and feelings, and I would have to weave my own life into that web if I was going to become a part of this group. That was daunting – Mum and Dad had proven complex enough.

I looked back to Lilly, and then over to James, and a sudden impatience gripped me. I gently pushed Ted’s shoulder and when he rose, I took his place at the keyboard and began to type.

Dear Lilly,

When we can meet?

Sabina

Ted cleared his throat.

‘That’s where you want to
start
the conversation?’

I thought, remembering Hilary’s comments about keeping our expectations low and taking things slowly, and I withdrew my hand from the keyboard.

‘I just feel like I need to go meet her,’ I admitted. ‘Seriously, what am I going to learn via email? Or the phone? If I can’t
see
her . . . I mean . . . I just won’t
know
her until I meet her. Am I being hasty?’

‘Hilary did say you should take it pretty slowly.’

‘That’s easy for
Hilary
to say. I want answers. And if I was Liliana, and this was
our
baby, I would want her to drop everything and show me that she was okay.’