The Search for Ball Zero (12 page)

“
You rather die out here?
Burned alive by some silent drone in the middle of a company owned
forest.”

”
Fuck those drones, they
surprised us last night yet we still outsmarted em.” Perry
said.

“
Then what? Say we can
outsmart the drones every night. What’s the goal here? What’s the
endgame? What the fuck are we hiking for?” Eric
continued.

“
Not dieing.” Perry said,
he sounded like he knew what he was out here for.

L chimed in,”I don’t care that much, but
this is like the Area 51 of our time,

right? I kinda wanna see what it’s all
about.”

“
Like what? Go see the
infamous Elohssa company HQ?” Tony questioned.

She shrugged with her body and face, “Yea,
kind of?” Tony agreed.

Perry agreed too, “Yea, and blow the
fucking place to shit,” Fozzie froze in front of them. The camp,
they were there.

The ground was blackened. In the center of a
tiny clearing was the remains of

the camp fire. To the left was a burned
body, laying dead in a burnt bush.

“
Ohh shit.”
Eric.

“
Aww fuck”
Tony.

Nasty!” Perry said reaching out to touch
it.

“
Eww, I can’t look.” L
turned away.

The body was posed in a painful gesture,
hands reaching towards its face. Mouth gaping open, probably
screaming in agony. Back arched back as far as humanly possible,
the body forming a crispy half circle. Body, hair, skin and clothes
burnt and fused into one black, flaky covering.

Fozzie had walked up to the camp fire and
was sniffing at something. L walked

over while the others contemplated the last
moments of the body in front of them. Perry had grabbed a stick and
was poking it.

“
Ohh my God.” L
exclamated.

They all looked and ran over. Sitting on a
skewer in the middle of the camp fire

was a foot.

“
Is that a…?”

“
That’s a muthafuckin
foot!” Eric burst out. Then Eric started pacing, “Ohh my fucking
God. Cannibals!?” Grabbing his head and then shaking his arms. “Now
what Perry?! Now what? How are you gonna outsmart the
cannibals.”

“
We don’t know they were
cannibals.” Perry said.

Eric screamed, “They were cooking a fucking
foot!”

“
Fozzie would eat it.
Look.” Perry reached and picked up the cooked foot

barehanded. They all yelled as his did.

“
What the hell man!!” Eric
stared at him unbelieving.

“
Ohh shit!” Tony danced
away.

Perry offered the foot to Fozzie. She
smelled it, thinking.

“
Fozzie no!” L grabbed her
and pulled her away.

“
It looks cooked.” Perry
waited until they were all looking and put it up to his

mouth, faking eating it.

The chorus sang in disgusting
disapproval.

He fake chewed, “Soo good! Kinda tastes like
feet though.”

Tony and L couldn’t take it and busted out
laughing. Eric wasn’t in a laughing mood.

They found the other body not far away. Same
thing, burnt to a crisp. After a quick investigation of the
campsite, they were confused. The cannibals had no pack, no
supplies, nothing.

Eric started off, disbelief in his voice
again, “Seriously?! What the fuck?! These fucking naked cannibals
were just hanging out barbecuing feet!?”

Perry interrupted, “They had clothes.” As he
peeled back a burnt shirt.

Eric continued,”Fine! Inside this corporate
owned mystery forest, void of all

animal life, these well dressed cannibals
just came out here and started a fire on the side of this hill to
cook a foot! But their fucking Foot Feast was interrupted by flame
throwing drones who burned them to a crisp and then put out the
forest fire they created.

Do you hear the words I’m saying?!”

Tony interjected, “You can’t make this shit
up!”

Eric’s disbelief reached an apex, “Who’s
fucking foot was that?”

Perry was examining the foot extremely close
to his face. “It was a girl. She

was probably pretty hot.” He paused and
looked around,”Get it, hot?” Staring at the cooked foot.

Tony and L shook their heads.

Eric didn’t seem to get it so Perry went
on,”You know, she was on the fire?”

Eric yelled,”I get it!”

“
Actually she probably was
hot.” Perry continued his CSI investigation, looking

deeply at the cooked foot, ”Nice toes,
pedicured maybe. I think red toenail polish.

Probably a hot, dirty slut.”

“
Your favorite kind,” L
said, kind of joking, but not really.

Perry turned and looked down the valley,
“See ya, my skanky foot friend!”,

reeled back and threw the foot as far as he
could down into the valley. It turned and spun slowly in the air,
arced and slowly descended into the bush with a rustle. Above them,
they didn’t notice before, a few vultures were circling. The
vultures noted the flying foot and reacted.

“
Ohh shit, Vultures.”
Perry noticed. “See Eric, there are your precious
animals.”

“
We’re leaving right?”
Eric ignored Perry, looking at the only people he thought were
sane, Tony and L. They looked at each other.

“
I don’t know man, I think
I’m with Perry on this one. I’d rather be out here

with you guys than die as a meaningless
statistic in that city.”, Tony stated “Look around, it’s
beautiful.”

I kinda like the Area 51 adventure.” L
threw in. “I heard the Elohssa HQ is

built so high it touches space. I kinda
wanna see that.”

Eric looked at them both, still in
disbelief, “Fucking cannibals!”

Fozzie emerged from the bushes and looked up
at the group, with a disembodied hand in her mouth.

They all scattered, screaming like children.
L came running back and slapped the hand out of Fozzie’s mouth and
picked her up. “Fozzie NO!” She said in a dog obedience class
voice.

They hiked for another day, heading North,
staying along the ridge of the valley

when possible. Going down to the river to
fish when they wanted, the fish were plenty.

On the way down to fish one day, Tony
noticed a grenade hanging from Perry’s

belt.

“
What the hell is that? A
grenade?” He asked.

Eric walked up and reached out to touch it,
“Is it real?”

“
Yea it’s real. It’s my
grandpa’s. From Vietnam. He gave it to my dad and my dad gave it to
me when I was 10.”

“
Nice present for a 10
year old.”

“
That’s my dad for ya.”
Perry agreed. “But hey, it might come in handy now. Hey cannibal,
eat this!” He faked shoving a grenade in someone’s
mouth.

“
So it’s been sitting
around for what, 80 years? It’s probably a dud.” Eric
said.

They hiked North for a few more days, there
was no sign of cannibals, drones,

animals, Elohssa headquarters, warstores or
other people. They had time to have fun, talk about which
Terminator movie was the best, swim in the river and play games.
They did all of this with the cannibals and drones in the back of
their head. Every once in a while they’d hear or see something and
everyone would jump to attention. But nothing. One of those days
they dipped into Perry’s Fear and Loathing suitcase and everyone
ate some mushrooms. They didn’t make too much progress that day,
all ending up mostly naked swimming in the river. Eric lost his
shirt and realized he didn’t bring any other clothes. He ended up
wearing one of L’s T shirts, a Mr. Bungle shirt with an old man
masterbating on the back. She loved Bungle, but always felt
uncomfortable wearing that shirt, “Have it.” she thought.

“
So we’re just gonna keep
hiking North until we find some evil fortress?” Eric
questioned.

“
Or until we find the
cannibal tribe and feed you to em.” Perry joked.

“
I’ll feed you to em,
they’d get high eating you.”

“
I hope they have one of
those black big cauldrons they always try to cook Bugs Bunny in.” L
joked.

Everyone remembered that and laughed.

Everyone was pretty dirty and tired.
Especially after a day of ‘shrooming, “Maybe we should set up and
camp for a few days and rest up.” Perry suggested.

“
I’m in.” Tony
said.

“
Yea let’s” L
agreed.

They found a nice spot and set up camp.
Everyone letting out “Ahhhs” of relief

after taking off their packs.

“
I'm running out of toilet
paper.” Perry mentioned.

“
With so much crap coming
out of your mouth, I don’t doubt it.” Eric jabbed.

The night was mostly uneventful, except for
the unveiling of Perry’s new wooden bong. He had been carving at
something for a few days. Everyone smoked out of it, it was pretty
good. Perry was one of those guys every group has, the MacGyver of
weed smoking, he could make a pipe out of anything.

The stoned group was watching the stars.

“
There’s so much less
light pollution out here, you really can see more stars.”
“
Yeaaaaa.” Someone agreed, it sounded like they were
drooling.

“
Ohh shit, look!” Eric
pointed to the West side of the hill they were hiking
on.

“
Lights!”

They all knew the plan, put out the fire,
get ready to book.

“
Camp Rawk is too far
away, if we have to split up, let’s meet back here.” Tony
planned.

The chorus agreed.

“
Camp Rawk 2” L dubbed it
again.

“
Electric Boogaloo” Perry
joked.

The lights weren’t moving like the other
ones, it wasn’t as smooth. They

weren’t flying, it was something on the
ground. It was big and had multiple search lights, it even had a
few drones flying around it searching. A dark and menacing giant
figure carving its way through the forest.

“
The next warstore!” Perry
figured out.

“
Ohh shit!” The stoned
chorus sang out.

The warstore was grinding its way straight
through the forest.

“
Could one of those things
even climb this hill?” Eric thought.

Looking down Tony agreed,”Yea, I don’t think
so. But the drones can get up

here, that’s for sure.”

“
Who knows what that thing
has up its sleeve.”

They watched it drive for probably a mile or
two, then it stopped. The search

lights dimmed. The drones disappeared into
the giant structure. It went dark.

“
Ohh fuck.”

“
Yea, what the fuck is it
doing?”

They all watched in silence for a few long
moments.

Perry said what they were all thinking,“What
the fuck? It’s just gonna sit there

in the dark?”

“
Recharging or some shit?”
Tony thought.

“
Maybe it needed to take a
robo piss.” L joked. Perry laughed.

After a few more minutes it was obvious the
warstore wasn’t going anywhere. There were a few tiny lights on the
outside, it was hard to see from so far away. They stared at it for
a bit longer.

“
Let’s go.” Perry threw
out.

“
Where?” Tony
asked.

“
Down there, check it
out.”

“
Are you fucking crazy?”
Eric said, trying to be the voice of reason.

“
Yea, I am crazy. Let’s
go. Leave the shit, just take the guns and lets go. It can’t be
more than a few miles away.”

“
I’ll stay here and watch
the stuff while you go die.” Eric stated.

“
That’s a long midnight
walk.” Tony threw in. “But you know what, what else are we
doing?”

“
Yea!” Perry
agreed.

Fozzie danced on two feet, she was in.

“
If Fozzie’s going I’m
going.” L said.

“
Fuck!” Eric yelled,
“What?” He shook his head, stood up, took off his shirt and wrapped
it around his head. “Let’s go”
“
K Rambo.” L
laughed.

“
We’re going to “look” at
the newest, greatest killing machine ever created.” He

stated in all seriousness. “Yea, I’m going
all Rambo.”
“
Sweet”

And they were off on the midnight adventure
to scout the warstore.

They walked for a long while, it was all
downhill and in the dark. The way back would take much longer. It
was around 1 or 2 AM Tony guessed by the moon. After a few miles of
walking with the aid of gravity they approached the small clearing
the warstore was “resting” at. It towered over the tops of the
forest trees.

“
Holy fuck, look at that
thing.” Eric noted. They all stopped in their tracks to admire the
massive machine, forged by combining the needs of consumerism and
war. It looked like the best CG, taken straight out of a science
fiction movie. A few lights blinked near the top, probably so
planes wouldn’t crash into it at night. There were a few other
lights, but it was obvious this thing was in some sort of night
mode, not wanting to be seen. It had little guns scattered around
the bottom, probably anti-personnel. Many of the weapons were
hiding behind panels, they witnessed that first hand at the
massacre, or sale, whatever you call it.