The Sea of Aaron (26 page)

“I'm sorry for the interruption,” the nurse said upon returning. She then noticed his intense focus and followed his gaze. “Ah, you've found her. She's a real doll, that one. The most beautiful baby on the floor…and very expressive, as you can see.”

Aaron managed a wry smile, assuming that the nurse said similar things to all the visiting parents.

“Are you sure you wouldn't like to go in and hold her?”

“No,” he said quickly. “Not now.” At least he had seen her, and there was no time left to go through the hand-washing, gown-wearing routine. The moment of truth had arrived to find out if Aisha still had a mother and he still had a wife.

Aaron, Aaron. Come back. Please don't leave me here.

He floated somewhere amidst the rising mist, a dark figure in a long overcoat, walking swiftly, relentlessly away, his footsteps silent as falling snow. As the mist threatened to consume him, he turned once and looked back, his deep indigo eyes shimmering with despair and regret.

Aaron, wait! I didn't mean it!

But he turned around and continued to walk even faster.

She ran after him, her footsteps leaden, jarring, her breath puffing out in loud spurts. Hopeless, useless pursuit. He remained far ahead of her, about to vanish forever.

“Aaron!” she screamed.

“Valerie, it's okay. It's okay.”

Valerie stared wildly into the face of her aunt, who was leaning over her bedside. She realized she had shouted Aaron's name, and now she felt foolish, delirious, and completely disoriented, not to mention incapacitated by various tubes and lines attached to her body.

“Everything's going to be all right,” Aunt Marilyn said. “You had to have surgery again, but the bleeding has stopped for good this time and…”

“What bleeding?” She remembered she was in the hospital and that she'd had a daughter, but there was something not right about the room. It seemed to have shrunk in size, and when she turned her head to the right there was a blank wall where the outside window had been. On the left was an interior window with a view of a large command- center nursing station. She was definitely in ICU and she'd probably almost died.

“You had to have a hysterectomy,” Aunt Marilyn began tentatively, as though unsure of Valerie's reaction.

“A hysterectomy?” Valerie repeated and then shook her head at the ludicrousness of the surgery. Up until the last few momentous months, she'd assumed and accepted that she'd never have children. Now, God actually had allowed her to have one. So what if she couldn't have any more. Wait a minute? Had she dreamed up the whole birth of her daughter?

“I…I don't care about any of that.” If she had lost both her husband and her daughter, her own survival was pointless. “Please tell me nothing bad has happened to Aaron and Aisha.”

“Aisha's fine. I can't honestly say where Aaron is right now, but I'm sure God will take care of him.”

“I told him to get out,” she murmured, recalling their painful exchange. “Why did I scream at him like that, when I didn't mean it? How could I?”

“Honey, don't do this. Aaron's a strong man. He'll get over it.”

Valerie closed her eyes, but she could still see the burned-in-her-brain image of the man she loved walking away. Possibly even for the last time. She opened her eyes again and tried to calm down. “Jasmine…” she whispered. “Did Jasmine go home?”

“Yes. She didn't want to, and Noah had to practically drag her away. It's after midnight now. She'll be back in the morning.”

As reality became even clearer, Valerie noticed her aunt's weary, strained expression, and she knew that the older woman had to be exhausted. “Aunt Marilyn, maybe you should go home now. I'll be okay…I'm in ICU and the nurses are really good here.”

“You're my niece,” Marilyn said, “and you've always been more like another daughter to me. There's no place else I'd even think of being. Besides, I'm not alone. Your uncle is here, too.”

“Where?”

“In the waiting room. He's been in and out. They only allow one person at a time.”

A nurse came in to check her temperature and blood pressure. Not wanting to converse, Valerie deliberately closed her eyes and tuned out on the conversation that ensued between her aunt and the nurse. Finally, after recording statistics on her chart, the nurse exited.

Perhaps thinking she'd fallen back to sleep, Aunt Marilyn sat down on the nearby chair and picked up her Bible to resume reading. Struggling against the heavy, grainy sensation under her eyelids, Valerie forced her eyes to remain open and she nearly gasped at the tall dark form approaching the doorway. She squeezed her eyes shut again, knowing that what she'd seen was too good to be true and therefore only an illusion. But when she opened them, the form was entering.

“Aaron,” she whispered reverently, uncertainly, still not trusting her vision.

Aunt Marilyn stood abruptly, expelling a sigh of relief, albeit with some trepidation. “Thank you, Jesus. Aaron, she's been calling your name since the moment she woke up. Please don't say anything to upset her.”

“I spoke to the doctor and I promise I'll be careful,” Aaron said calmly, sotto-voce, as Aunt Marilyn slipped from the room.

He wasn't a mirage after all. He really was present, in the flesh. As he moved so soundlessly, cautiously, to her bedside, she lost her ability to speak. All she could do was stare dewy-eyed eyed at the father of her daughter, the complex man she loved. He looked more vulnerable than she'd ever believed possible. Traces of dark shadows underscored his eyes—concerned, shimmering eyes that were completely devoid of iciness.

“Val, if you don't want me here, just say so and I'll under…”

“No,” she squeaked and then her voice strengthened. “Please don't leave. I'm sorry for what I said to you before. I love you and I didn't—”

“Stop,” he whispered, leaning over her, his hand gently caressing the side of her face. “I'm the one who should apologize. I went to see…”

“Listen to me,” Valerie murmured, cutting him off. She longed to just relax and bask in the sun-warmed silk sensation of his fingertips brushing against the side of her face, but she was afraid that he would vanish into thin air, without hearing what she was compelled to say. “Please…I have something important to tell you.” She attempted to sit up.

“I'm listening,” Aaron said, gently placing both hands on her shoulders to hold her still. “Don't try to sit up. You're going to be okay, but you have to be careful.”

“I don't care about me,” she stressed.

“Maybe you don't, but I do.”

“Are you listening, Aaron?”

“Yes.”

Tears welled up in her eyes as she reached for his hand. “You can see me and your daughter whenever and wherever you want. That can be two days from now, or two years from now. We're not going anywhere.” She silenced his attempt to interrupt by squeezing his hand. “I knew exactly what I was getting into when I married you, and I haven't kept my end of the…the agreement. From day one, all I've been doing is trying to change who you are, even though I said I wouldn't and then getting angry at you for not responding the way I wanted you to.” She took a deep breath and stared into his eyes. “I fell in love with you because of who you are, and at the same time I've been trying to destroy you. Not that I really could, but I've done nothing but make you miserable and hurt myself in the process.”

“That's not the whole truth,” Aaron said.

“Please let me finish. I don't regret Aisha. I'd never regret her. She's a gift from God, but I know this whole family, fatherhood thing isn't what you're about, so I'm letting you go. There's a saying…I'm sure you've heard it before. ‘If you love someone, set them free.' Well, I love you way too much to keep you as an enemy, so go. I'll give you the divorce, because I know you've been waiting for me to finalize it.” The scalding tears spilled down her cheeks. “You're free to ride off into the sunset.”

Never once breaking eye contact, he sat on the edge of her bed. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, to feel his powerful love, his cool, effortless passion, but she didn't have the strength; perhaps it was just as well, because it wouldn't be in keeping with what she'd just told him.

“It's my turn to talk,” Aaron said.

She nodded slowly, mutely, wondering if he'd at least give her a goodbye kiss. He seemed awfully slow about speaking, but then she noticed that he was reaching into his pocket and pulling something out. She drew in a ragged breath and blinked questioningly upon seeing that the small gold thing was the wedding band he'd worn only once. Holding her breath, she waited for him to hand it to her, hoping desperately that he wouldn't toss it in the wastebasket as a final affront.

He slipped it on his finger.

“First,” he began, “what we have is a relationship, and not just an agreement. You're still my wife, I love you, and if you say you love me, then you can't sentence me back to solitary confinement. The only real freedom I've ever known has been when we're together.” He paused for a moment to allow the words to sink in. “Obviously, I'll never completely think as you do, but being in your life has opened my eyes and made me view the world a little less cynically. And these last few hours…” He took a deep breath. “These last few hours of not knowing whether you'd live or die…you wouldn't believe what I was doing if I told you…but let's say I'm feeling a lot more receptive to the power of spirituality.” His eyes shimmered. “That sunset can wait, because I'm not going anywhere without you.”

Dumbstruck, Valerie searched his eyes, which truly were an inviting view into the clear, focused windows of his soul. “But,” she stammered. “But what about…?”

“I've seen Aisha, and I liked what I saw.” He gently smoothed her hair away from her face. “I'd be a liar and a fool to promise to be the epitome of fatherhood, but I'd like to try to be a reasonably decent one anyway.”

“Do…do you really mean that?”

“Valerie, I never say things I don't mean. We can also have that belated wedding reception if you still want to.”

She could no longer control her emotions and she unabashedly began to cry, all the while clinging to his hand.

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked. “Should I get the nurse?”

He sounded so anxious and concerned, that she almost laughed. “No. No. I'm crying because I'm happy. These are good tears, silly. Joyful tears.”

He took out a handkerchief and gently began blotting her face. “You're sure now? You don't need the nurse?”

“Aaron, as long as you're willing to put up with me, there are a lot of things I can still teach you about the varying degrees of emotion.”

“You mean women's emotions.”

“Not just women, you obnoxious chauvinist…human emotions in general.”

He smiled—a rakish smile that slid precariously across his handsome face, brightening it, giving him a boyish earnestness and sincerity that she always knew he possessed under his steely armor.

“There's still hope for you, Aaron Weiss, but I see I've got a lot of work ahead of me.”

Aaron kissed her tenderly on the lips. “Take as long as you want, baby. Even forever.”