The Sacred and Profane Love Machine (39 page)

‘Of course I’m worried, about Luca, about you –’

‘No, you’re worried about something else. You’re flushed, you’re excited. Why does Pinn keep bringing Kiki St Loy here and trailing her about in front of you? She’s trying to arrange a meeting between you and Kiki. That’s it. She once said Kiki wanted her to find her a man. And you’re so bloody pleased to see the girl every time, what you want is written all over your face.’

Blaise got up and took Emily by the shoulders, forcing her to look up at him, holding her tight and shaking her slightly. ‘Listen.
Listen,
you little fool. You deserve a hundred lashes. Are you going to ruin things now by mindless stupid jealousy? I’m here, I love you, you are my wife.’

‘I’m not, actually.’

‘You will be. We’ve talked the whole thing through to completion. Surely you know where you stand.’ ‘In a quicksand, on a volcano.’ ‘No! We’re safe, we’re home, Emily, the danger’s over. We live here now.’

‘You swear you aren’t in love with Kiki St Loy?’

‘You lunatic! Yes, of course I swear it! I’m in love with you, kid. Don’t you see that you’re being crazy? Look into my eyes. I love you.’

‘Yes,’ said Emily, looking up at him. ‘All right. All right, darling. Yes, yes. You’re hurting me.’

‘Good.’

‘All right, forgive me, sweet, let me off, but naturally I’m frightened, how can I not be, I’m frightened of everything and everybody, even of Kiki, even of Pinn. I wish things could get settled down and clear at last, and you were having your patients again and all. I didn’t want you to go and see
her,
but now I want you to. I want to be certain that when you see her all this won’t suddenly crumble into dust and seem like a dream.’

‘You know it won’t.’

‘O.K. But go and see her, will you, Blaise darling? Don’t just send Pinn to spy, oh I know you do. See her – and tell her about this – about the fridge and the curtains – make her believe it – make her know it’s real, that she’s really lost you, that you’ve absolutely
gone.
Will you do that?’

‘Yes. You’re quite right. I must go. I just wanted this place to exist first.’

‘Because you needed support, I wasn’t enough, you had to have the flat as well?’

‘No, no, I just wanted you to feel how safe we were before I went away from you anywhere, especially before I went away from you there.’

‘You won’t stay long away, will you? If you did I’d come and fetch you. And I’d scream.’

‘No, I mean just an hour or so. You could be near by. You could wait in the car.’

‘I don’t think I’d like that. I’ll wait here, in our place, with our things. Oh darling, you won’t suddenly go back to Mrs Placid, will you? You won’t feel sorry for her, you won’t be moved by her tears? I’m not being vindictive about her, I don’t want her to be miserable, though I see she’s got to be. I simply want her to understand and lay off. It’s better for her if she understands soon, isn’t it? And of course I don’t mind your seeing her occasionally. You needn’t feel that it’s such a tragedy anyway. She’ll settle down, she’ll have to, she’s got this wonderful cabbagey calm. She’ll put up with it, and don’t let her tell you she can’t. I don’t want you to feel when you see her that it’s a great crisis and you’re killing her or anything, you’re not. You must simply be absolutely truthful with her and not leave her with any false hopes. Do you promise to be absolutely truthful?’

‘Yes, I’ll tell her the lot.’

‘Well, no need to tell her the
lot,
but tell her enough. There. All right. I’m sorry I was awful. I’m so full of terrors. But yes, yes, all right. Now I must go quickly and shop, it’s early closing. After that we’ll go to bed, yes?’

When Emily had left the flat and he had heard her sandals clack away down the stairs Blaise returned to the lavatory and pulled Pinn’s letter out from its hiding place under the linoleum. He had only had time to glance at it quickly. Now he perused it with care. It ran as follows:

Dearest Blaise,

Herewith your humble spy’s report from over yonder. Your wife is showing more character than might have been expected. She has abandoned Hood House and moved in, complete with David, on Monty Small. Not only that. She has fallen in love with Monty! Yours truly, entering the house with soft footfall, overheard a conversation between the two parties who were sitting just outside the window. Your spouse was in fact offering herself to the gratified Mr Small! So she’s not Mrs Mope any longer. I expect you are relieved though. It must be nice to know that you are not missed and that she has found Another. So you needn’t dread seeing her and being beseeched. I wouldn’t be surprised if the devious Mr Small hadn’t seen all this coming a long way off and encouraged you to drop Harriet so that he could catch her! He’s a deep one! It is all working out rather neatly, isn’t it. Luca is there too, by the way, and shows every sign of staying. Harriet, who behaves as if she already owns Locketts, has set up a nice bedroom for him. She had also bought him a dog. (All this I know from legit, conversation with Monty, he and I are quite cronies now.) So it looks as if you and Emily may have to say good-bye to that boy. As for young David, he too has distractions from his woe. He has fallen madly in love with Kiki St Loy! She however, as you will have noticed, has eyes only for you! A pity you are not ‘free’ just now, Kiki is longing to chuck her vaginal status! You might have been the lucky one. (Let me know if you want to be. Em. needn’t worry. She’s got you on a chain now, whatever you do.) That’s all for now. I’ll continue to report.
Thanks
for the cheque. Not a word to Emily about that of course, and you can be sure I won’t say anything. You are sweet to me and I adore you.

Thine for ever, your constant nymph,

P.

P.S. Of course if you decide you want Harriet after all you’d better act quickly!!!

Blaise read the letter and the flush which Emily had noticed came again to his face and he closed his eyes and laid his head against the lavatory door. I am rotten, he thought, rotten, rotten, rotten. Oh what will happen? What am I going to do?

‘I want to see Harriet alone,’ said Blaise.

‘Monty, you are not to go,’ said Harriet. ‘If you go I shall go too. I mean it I will talk to Blaise, but only with you here. Is that clear, Blaise?’

Blaise stared at her with amazement.

‘Oh all right,’ said Monty. ‘I’ll stay. I think you ought to talk to Blaise alone, but if you won’t you won’t Whisky, gin, anyone?’

They were in the Moorish drawing-room. Monty and Harriet were sitting at the table as if in committee. Blaise sat in one of the wickerwork chairs, a rather low one which had been made even lower by being wrecked by Edgar. Feeling at a disadvantage he got up and moved first to the purple sofa and then to a rather botanical-looking chair against the wall. Monty shifted the table slightly with his foot so that it was still between himself and Blaise.

‘I’ll have some whisky,’ said Blaise.

‘Good. Here. Harriet?’

‘Thanks. The usual.’

It was evening, an overcast day inclining to rain. A lamp in the corner, sitting inside what looked like a wrought-iron holy water stoup, lit up one of the mosaic panels.

The usual, thought Blaise. He stared at Harriet, thinking how different she looked and how beautiful. He said to himself, hang on, hang on. Keep calm. He gently stroked his eye where the bruise had faded to the faintest of green shadows. Some sort of utter chaos was now not far away and must not be tripped into. He was well aware that he had arrived with no policy, very upset and confused and with nothing clear to say. Pinn’s letter had distressed him to an extent which was terrifying. Of course he had relied on seeing Harriet alone.

‘Well?’ said Monty to Blaise.

‘I might say that to you,’ said Blaise.

‘As I seem to be chairman,’ Monty went on, ‘perhaps I may open the meeting. You asked to see us.’

‘I didn’t.’

‘You asked to see Harriet and have presumably something to tell her.’

There was a silence. Harriet, breathing rapidly, but in control of herself, was staring at her husband. Blaise kept glancing at her, but without meeting her eyes. He looked at Monty.

‘Oh come on, come on,’ said Monty. ‘Say something, anything, set the ball rolling. After all there’s plenty to talk about.’

‘I don’t like your tone,’ said Blaise.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound flippant. But you must talk. Or would you rather be cross-questioned?’

‘No, I wouldn’t. Not by you.’

‘Harriet, have you any questions to put to Blaise?’

‘No,’ said Harriet. Blaise regarded her again. She was thinner and her face looked harder, finer, older, as if she were her successful professional elder sister. A doctor, perhaps, or even a lawyer, or else a great actress playing Portia. She had done her hair with care, dividing and twisting it in a new way, and she was wearing a simple dark blue dress which he had never seen before.

‘I don’t come to say anything new,’ said Blaise, surprising himself by the humility and diffidence of his utterance. ‘It’s still all as I said in my letter. I mean, I have to stay with Emily, but I’ll come here too. I tried to be in two places at once before and I’ll still try. I know my position is an awful one and the result of wrong-doing, but it
is
my position, and I can’t alter it radically without being guilty of a lot more wrong-doing. You must – both – see that. I’ve got to compromise. I can’t make things right again however hard I try. This being so, the most sensible thing seems to be – to be honest with you Harriet – as I have been – and to throw myself on your mercy. Things can’t be as they were. But they needn’t be terrible either. I’ll be – you see – here some of the time, there some of the time. It’s just that I can’t any more ask Emily to accept a second best – it wasn’t even a second best, it was a tenth best. Now that it’s all come out and we’ve all told the truth, which is a good thing, it’s just got to be a bit more equal. Of course I’ll be here a good deal, it won’t really be much different from what we thought before and you were so good about. It’s just to begin with while Emily’s settling into the new place I’ll have to be away a bit more. Emily put up with a lot for years and now I’m asking you to put up with a lot too – and to forgive me for David’s sake and – because – because —’

There was silence. Monty looked at Harriet with raised eyebrows. Then when she did not speak he said gently, ‘Talk to him Harriet. And talk as kindly as you can. And remember what I said too. Nothing here can be settled quickly. Be as kind and forgiving as possible because, if I may finish Blaise’s sentence for him, reconciliation is better than conflict, and mercy than justice.’

Damn him, thought Blaise, damn him.

Harriet looked at Monty and suddenly smiled.

It was a new smile too and the sight of it caused Blaise pain.

‘I can’t do it,’ she said, her voice now trembling a little. ‘I can’t do it, Blaise, things have changed too much. I can’t and won’t put up with what Emily put up with. Perhaps it turns out that I’m prouder than she is after all, or less sort of good-natured. Or perhaps it’s just that having been your wife I can’t bear to be less. Or that I simply don’t trust you any more. My trust in you was absolute, was perfect – and now it’s completely broken.’

Let her cry, thought Blaise, let her only cry and she will forgive me.

Harriet steadied herself. ‘You sound to me so much like a liar – like the kind of liar I – oh God – now
recognize
you as, when you talk of dividing your time and so on as if this were the best possible solution of a bad problem. But you have made it clear, and you deliberately said that you had not gone back on that, that you have
left
me for Emily McHugh – she is now your wife – and your coming here occasionally to see me and David could have no value. I wouldn’t want that sort of you at all – and your timetable, your sort of programme, doesn’t concern me any more.’

‘Do you want a divorce?’ said Monty to Blaise. ‘Have you promised Emily you’ll get one?’

Blaise was silent. He ignored Monty. Then he said, ‘I know it’s awful, awful, but I do just ask you to forgive me and not go away from me.’

‘You
have gone away,’ said Harriet. ‘You have abandoned me.’

‘I haven’t,’ said Blaise. ‘I know now,
now,
that I can’t abandon you, it isn’t physically, logically possible, it isn’t a possible thing in the world at all. We are bound together. Oh help me, please, Harriet, help me —’

‘It’s no good,’ said Harriet, in a shakier and gentler tone than she had yet employed, ‘you are moved and upset to see me, of course you are. But if you don’t see me you will soon learn to settle down with Emily McHugh. That is what you have chosen to do.’

‘You are forcing me to choose?’ said Blaise.

‘Really!’ murmured Monty.

‘Emily forced you to choose,’ said Harriet, ‘and you chose her.’

‘But you are – asking me to choose again—’

After a moment Harriet said, ‘No, I’m not. I’m not. I am just telling you that I can’t fit into your life in the way you suggest – or now that I don’t trust you any more, in any other way. I cannot be – any more – in your life – at all.’

There was silence. Monty was staring down at the polished surface of the table and making rings in the dust.

‘It can’t be like that,’ said Blaise, ‘it can’t be. I could die of this. So could you. I’ve got to see you and be connected with you, I
am
connected—’

‘You could visit David, of course,’ said Harriet.

‘By the way,’ said Blaise, ‘I’m going to take Luca back with me. I believe he’s here.’

‘You are not going to,’ said Harriet, throwing her head back. ‘Luca stays here with me. I don’t regard your mistress as a suitable person to look after him and I will maintain this if necessary in a court of law. Luca wants to stay here with me. He disowns you. Luca stays here. Unless you both want a public legal fight.’

‘Oh Harriet, Harriet,’ said Blaise softly, ‘please see me alone. Send him away. I know you’ll forgive me in the end, you will, you must, you’ll have to. I know your gentle forgiving heart. This isn’t you, talking to me in this hard way. We must sort this out for the best. Oh pardon me, dear girl, you
did -
do it again and redeem me from hell.’