The Rules of Regret (38 page)

“
That
’
s the story of my life!
”

“
Ha!
”
Torin bellowed, more loudly than I
would have liked.
“
You
’
re kinda right. The Story of Darby
’
s Life: A Skewed Interpretation.
”

“
I feel completely and utterly lame
now, so thank you for that.
”
I pretend punched him in the gut, but a bit of my frustration pulsed through my
fingers.
“
Orson
led me astray.
”

“
Don
’
t feel lame, Darby.
”
He rubbed his stomach in circular
motions. I think I probably slugged him harder than I
’
d intended, but he didn
’
t let on.
“
You
’
ll find your quotable quote yet.
”

My
bag was still in the Jeep, so Torin opened up the back and pulled it up onto
his shoulder. I wasn
’
t
quite sure where I
’
d
even be sleeping, since camp was done and the cabins were locked up for the
season. I hadn
’
t
prepared much, other than that one quote, and even that fell a little flat.

“
I
’
m actually glad you came up early.
”

“
Actually
glad? I was hoping for exceedingly glad.
”

“
I
’
m actually exceedingly glad that you
’
re here, because there is something I
want to show you.
”
He stretched his hand out for my keys and I dropped them into his palm.
“
I thought I
’
d have about three more weeks, so I
’
m a little behind.
”
He slid into the driver
’
s seat of my Jeep, motioning for me
to join him in the cab, tossing my bag back in.
“
I
’
ve got something I want you to see.
”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

It
was strange to drive in a vehicle through the forest when we
’
d spent so much time in the expanse
of wilderness on foot before. For about ten minutes we coasted across
carved-out dirt roads, ever increasing in elevation until Torin abruptly shut
off the engine right where the Jeep sat like there was some imaginary stop sign
I couldn
’
t
see.
“
We
have to walk the rest of the way.
”

I
nodded and unclicked my belt.

He
waited for me to join him, and then twisted his fingers into mine, a gesture
that didn
’
t
go unnoticed. Before I had always trailed him. Now we were side by side.

Last
time I was in these woods, I didn
’
t
know that the process of falling in love with Torin was already underway. I
wondered what was underway right now that I wasn
’
t aware of, because life apparently
occurred in hindsight. It was only when you looked back on things that you
could see clearly.

Had
Anna not died, I probably wouldn
’
t
have ever gotten together with Lance. And had Lance and I not been together all
those years, I wouldn
’
t
have come to this camp in the first place.

Life,
in itself, was inertia.

Even
when you left everything alone, it continued to move forward, continuing on its
journey. There was a momentum to life, and the only thing that could stop it
was death. It didn
’
t
feel as rewarding as I thought it would to finally figure all of that out. It
just felt real. Living finally felt real, because even when you stood still,
everything else kept moving, with or without you. I had to face that reality,
and even if I couldn
’
t,
it wouldn
’
t
really have an effect on how the mechanics of life worked. It would just keep
going; that was the hard truth of it all.

“
This is it,
”
Torin pronounced as we crested the
hill. The air was thinner, the forest more sparse.
“
Over here.
”

When
he stopped, I glanced around him, craning my neck, expecting to see just what
it was that he wanted me to see, but there was nothing. Only an open expanse of
dirt with a few boulders rising out of it.

“
I feel like I
’
m missing something.
”
I looked around again.

“
Technically, there
’
s nothing here.
”

Good.
I was glad that my interpretation of this wasn
’
t as skewed as my apparent
interpretations of other things.

“
But there
’
s the potential of something, and
that
’
s
what I want to show you.
”
Torin kind of bounced on the heels of his feet as he spoke, a giddiness that
couldn
’
t
be contained within the confines of his body.
“
So this is the summit.
”
His hand outstretched to the left in
an encompassing wave.
“
On
the property we have here, this is the highest point.
”

Just
past his hand I could see the sloping mountains that slanted toward the valley,
the tops of the trees that I
’
d
only viewed earlier from their trunks. They were smaller up here, and it was
incredible how their looming grandiosity was diminished so much from this
perspective.

“
You can
’
t see the forest for the trees,
”
I muttered, my eyes sweeping across
the miles of evergreens that blanketed the hills like a green, crocheted
afghan.

“
Holy heck, Darby! You just did it!
”

“
Did what?
”

“
Your quote!
”
Torin half shouted, his pale eyes
lighting up with intensity. His hands gripped my biceps and shook me excitedly.
“
And a damn good one at that.
”

“
It
’
s so true.
”
I continued staring at the valley,
my eyes unblinking.
“
This
perspective is like... it
’
s
un
real
. Like there
’
s this big, beautiful forest that you
can
’
t
even see until you
’
re
actually out of it.
”

“
C'est la vie,
”
he murmured, his fingers looser on
my skin now, sliding up and down the length of my arms in an affectionate,
swirly motion.

“
Such is life,
”
I repeated.

And
it was. Life was the big, beautiful thing that I wasn
’
t sure I
’
d ever appreciated for the actual
beauty it held. Not until I could see it from another perspective. Somehow,
Torin had been able to do that, but I was still working on getting there. The
paint chips, the trees. I was close, but I hadn
’
t reached my summit point of view.

“
Anyway.
”
He snapped me back around to face
away from him.
“
I
have something for you.
”
Torin briefly let go of me and walked toward a small, rust-coated shed that I
’
d overlooked in my whole
forest-realization moment. There was a padlock with a key still in it, and he
twisted it to the right to pop it off of the metal handle. The door creaked on
its hinges as he held it open, and for a second he disappeared inside. When he
came out, he was holding a roll of blueprint paper.

“
This is for you,
”
he said, handing me the paper.
“
This, and this.
”
He motioned toward the dirt
underneath us with a stomp of his boot-clad foot.
“
I want you to make the shell. And I
want us to fill it up.
”

“
What?
”

“
It
’
s all yours. Like seriously, do whatever
you want with it. Design a house or a cabin or a tee-pee if you feel so
inclined.
”
His smile spread wide across his face and I lifted my finger to trace his full
bottom lip like it was instinct.
“
But
it
’
s
all for you,
”
he spoke against my skin.
“
Well,
for us, hopefully... but only when you
’
re
ready.
”

I
replaced my finger with my lips as I stood up on toe to meet his mouth with
mine. Torin ran his fingers through my hair, tucking the strands around my ear
before he cupped my jaw in his palms. The way he looked down at me like I was
the only thing that existed in this world left my stomach feeling warm and
heavy.

“
I know things aren
’
t in our favor, Darby. Had you and
Lance only broken up, that would have been a ton to deal with.
”
His hands stayed in place on my
chin.
“
But
he cheated and you fought and then he freaking died, and I
’
m not naive enough to think that we
won
’
t
have our struggles because of that.
”
I couldn
’
t
break my gaze with his eyes. Everything about him drew me in.
“
But I want to struggle
through
it with you. I think the noble
thing for me to do would be to step back and let you have your space, but I don
’
t want to give you space.
”
He paused, ever so briefly, before
saying,
“
I
want to be
in
that space with you.
And I want to share this space with you, too.
”
Turning around 360 degrees, he met
my eyes after the full-circle rotation. God, he was gorgeous. I didn
’
t know how I missed it in the
beginning, but he
’
d
turned into this gorgeous boy, on the inside and out.
“
Your own summit, Darby. Your own
corner of the world,
”
he said.
“
I
want to share this mountaintop with you.
”

Again,
there weren
’
t
a lot of my own words readily available and I stunk at reciting others, so I
just held him there and thought of how amazing it was that this guy had just
given me my own mountain to build dreams upon.

You
couldn
’
t
plan for anything in life. It happened to you. But holding the empty blueprints
in my hands felt like a promise: a promise of a new start, a new hope. I could
make something here and we could fill it up with
us
. In all of my life, I didn
’
t
think I
’
d
been given a greater gift than the grid-lined paper that rustled between my
fingertips.

“
I love you, Torin.
”

“
I love you, Darby.
”
He didn
’
t say 'I love you, too,
’
like it was a response to my saying
it, but he spoke it as a declaration, as if it stood all on its own.
“
I know I have this tendency to get
attached to things easily, but even if that weren
’
t the case, I
’
d have fallen for you just as
quickly.
”
He pulled me closer to him, his hips pressing against mine, his chest still
bare and suntanned, the filmy layer of dirt and sweat that coated him creating
a rugged aura that was hopelessly irresistible.
“
Maybe it
’
s our experiences, maybe it
’
s our similarities. Whatever it is, I
recognized something in you. It was like my heart recognized yours.
”

I
completely got that. Our beats becoming one, morphing into the same metronomic
pattern.

“
So there
’
s this... get this
—”
he teased, his
eyes opening more,
“
a
quote
—
I
heard that says we
’
re
given two hands to hold, two legs to walk, two eyes to see, two ears to listen.
But why only one heart?
”

I
shook my head to encourage him to continue toward the punch line.

“
Because the other was given to
someone else.
For us to find
.
”
Torin smiled a soft, thoughtful
smile, and the hip pressing became more intense and our foreheads touched as we
moved closer.
“
I
found my heart in you, Darby.
”
I swear we were so close I could feel the flutter from his eyelashes whooshing
against my skin.
“
I
know I told Lance I was the one that took the time to look for you. That I
’
d found you. But maybe I was just
looking for myself all along, and I found myself mirrored in you. Does that
even make any sense?
”

“
Does it make sense that you
’
d find yourself in finding me?
”
I pushed up a bit so our noses aligned.
“
I think that
’
s exactly what love is, Torin. I
think that
’
s
what happens when a you and a me becomes an us. In finding what you love, you
find more of yourself.
”

“
I think you might have just written
your own quote with that one, Darby.
”
Foreheads, noses and hips all touched.
“
Just
you wait and see. You could go down in infamy for that.
”

“
If discovering what love is through
loving you is what I
’
m
remembered for, then I think that
’
s
a pretty good legacy.
”